FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Stepfamilies and Adoption

November 4, 2020

Hey Ron, are stepfamilies and adoptive families similar?

Adoptive parents and stepparents alike have to bond with kids by developing trust, learning how to read each other, and sharing life together. And they all learn that the pain of the past can’t be avoided. You can hope the past will not affect the bonding process but both families understand that avoiding pain and pretending it doesn’t matter, doesn’t get you anywhere, but moving through pain together does. Consider the past and build a relationship in the present are how you forge a family.

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I just voted, and it feels great. Not every day is election day but on that day it’s great to be able to cast my vote. To be heard is a privilege. Families are not democracies. Parents, stepparents, grandparents, whoever are the unelected leaders but they’re not dictators either. Wise is the parent who helps each family member find a way to have a voice. It’s not a vote, parents are still parents, but an opportunity to be heard. Listen to each other, share, discuss, and at times debate. Above all, talk to God and listen to Him.
November 3, 2020
Quick judgments often lead to foolish responses. With little information we make quick judgments about the motives of politicians, celebrities, and our children. Proverbs 20 applies to all people but it certainly offers parents and stepparents wisdom. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters,” it says, “but a man of understanding draws them out.” A wise parent probes with questions, listens, and slowly determines what motivated a child’s actions. Then they respond, not just to the outward behavior but to the character they seek to shape.
November 2, 2020
When you check into a hotel, it feels like home, right? Walking into a hotel room with a suitcase to find an empty closet is a reminder you’re a visitor. That’s why I encourage co-parents not to make their kids pack a suitcase before going to the other home. That’s what visitors do. Sure, they’ll carry their cell phone and homework, but their closet should be filled with their stuff. Even the clothes they’re wearing are the child’s clothes, not yours. We call it visitation, but they’re not visiting. Make sure they know they belong in both homes.
October 30, 2020
Compassionately correcting a friend is an act of love.   Today’s culture says that it’s loving to be tolerant. I have my truth, you have yours, and anyone who suggests otherwise is intolerant and unloving. Contrast that to God’s word, Proverbs 27: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Real love, God says, is willing to correct a friend or a loved one—that is evidence of love, but saying nothing, is withholding love. It’s weak and selfish. Don’t be intimidated about graciously and kindly sharing truth. Sometimes it’s what love does.
October 29, 2020
I’m constantly amazed at how we keep moving the morality line. A survey in America examined whether people thought things like flirtatious texting was cheating on your spouse. Opinions varied but what surprised me was how people transformed black and white lines into gray. About 20% of Christians said a one-night stand or ongoing sex with someone other than your spouse was NOT cheating. What? You know what would clear this up. Ask your spouse if they would consider you having a one-night stand cheating. I bet the line is clearly drawn then.
October 28, 2020
Fight, fight! When new siblings don’t get along. Jessica’s daughter gets along great with her stepsister who’s about the same age, but the older stepsister wants nothing to do with her. And everyone feels the tension. Respond to sibling conflict by helping them resolve the issue, but when one sibling is holding out or mistreating the other coach them toward love. Call them up to decency and generosity and encourage leadership in older siblings. Help them see the opportunity, not the inconvenience, of being a positive influence.
October 27, 2020
Have you ever seen a knife sharpen itself? To sharpen a knife blade, you need to rub it against what's called a whetstone sharpener. I’m fascinated by people who think they can get sharper by attending church online or going to worship with hundreds of people but never go to a class or small group where they have to actually talk to somebody. To sharpen your life, you have to have interaction. “One man sharpens another,” says Proverbs 27. Surround yourself with people who sharpen your character and you’ll be a sharper disciple of Jesus.
October 26, 2020
Ron, my teenager is boycotting dinner. Should we make her join us? When a teenager starts protesting something we as parents should both listen and speak. Listen to what they are angry or hurt about. In this case, the father had recently married, and his 17-year-old was taking it pretty hard. But also speak to lead the child with grace. I told the dad, “Tell your daughter she doesn’t have to love her stepmother, but if she wants to eat she needs to show up for dinner with a decent attitude. Meet your daughter half-way and insist that she meet you half-way.”
October 23, 2020
But how do you cook stew when some of the ingredients aren’t in the pot? You’ve heard me say that the best way to cook a stepfamily is with a crockpot. But what if an ingredient isn’t in the crockpot? Say, a child has limited contact or is an adult with their own life and family? Well, you can only cook ingredients when they are in the pot so lower your expectations and take advantage of the time you do have. Remain open even if they are not. It may feel distant for a while, but time has a way of softening ingredients. Just remember you’re not done cooking yet.
October 22, 2020
One way to mature as a person is to stop bragging. Whether it’s an athlete pounding their chest or someone posting about their latest accomplishment, our world seems to love people who call attention to themselves. Ah, when a four-year-old does that we call it annoying, but for some reason our world calls it swagger. The Bible calls it immaturity. Proverbs 27 says, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth.” Hey, if someone notices and compliments you on a job well done, great! But don’t’ call attention to yourself, just quietly be Jesus.
October 21, 2020
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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