Thriving Student

John Fuller: We live in a world of options, excessive options it seems for most of us. Not everybody in the world, but for many of us, one of the hardest things to do is just pick one of many options sitting there on the shelf or on the screen in front of us.

That's true as well about where you send your children to school, if you send them somewhere. How do you know if what you're doing for your child is the right choice? We're going to talk about that today. I'm John Fuller, and welcome to the final episode of Season 2 of the Thriving Student podcast.

I'm joined by Dr. Danny Huerta, who leads the Focus Parenting department. Danny, the educational landscape is rich. There are so many choices. Did you and Heather have any big conversations or ongoing conversations about if this is right?

Danny Huerta: We did. We were both in the public school system. I was a social worker, she was a teacher. We didn't have anything against the public school system at the time. We said maybe that's a good choice. I had graduated from a private school, and my mom was teaching in a private school. She was saying, "Why don't you guys send your kids to the Christian school?"

We quickly said we can't afford that. It was very expensive, even with her discount. It was just very expensive, yet we could have made the sacrifice. So, we began to look at all the different options, including homeschooling, and talked about what is it that we need to do to make any of those happen and what would be the best for each of our kids.

What we decided is that we needed to make the decision year by year. It wasn't a permanent decision. So, it gave us that freedom to know that we can adjust things as we go, as we need to. We started off with a charter school that had great Christian teachers. We knew that. Other families had talked about the environment there and it was very positive.

Had we not had that, I think we would have probably ended up at homeschooling, just because the local schools were not going to be a good fit for our family and our values. We just didn't see that going well for our kids at an early age.

As they got older, we saw the possibility as they gained confidence in themselves and things like that. We could see them being in another public school if they needed to or if they wanted to do that. But they continued in that charter school up until later in high school.

We had very difficult conversations with our daughter. It was just too hard for her. She had been diagnosed with ADHD after a concussion, some learning issues. It was just too much. So, at that point, we were back to the drawing board and had to consider all the different options. There are so many, John. You need to know the strengths and the difficulties your own child has and then make decisions based on that. If your child just lacks self-confidence and is being put into a public school that has so many things coming at them, just know it may be a challenge, so be ready for that.

John Fuller: There is so much that you have to consider as a parent. I love the permission you gave to make it a year-by-year decision. Before we even had kids, my wife was looking around at the community that we lived in at the time and said, "I don't think these public schools are going to be a good fit for us, so I want to start thinking about homeschooling."

When our oldest was about five, he hadn't learned to read yet and he was not showing any signs of getting it. She said, "Going into a public classroom, he's going to be in the turtles." The rabbit group is going to move along because they're all reading. He's going to be stuck with the turtles, and he's going to be tagged as a slow learner.

So, we really then started homeschooling when he was about five. When he was seven, he still wasn't reading much at all. At eight, he started to grab onto it. By the time he was in fifth grade, he was reading at a 12th-grade level. You can't judge by how quick your child's going out of the gate.

We made a decision just to say for each child, what's best? There was a season where we had to say it's not working, and one of our kids went to a charter school. It takes a lot of energy, time, and thought. There were just a lot of circumstantial things going on.

We went from homeschooling several of the kids to one of them going to a charter school, and then a couple of them graduated from an early college program with the public school, but they were homeschoolers. We had this hybrid thing going on. We've done it all. We did a very short five-day season with a little private Christian school. That didn't work.

I feel like we've experienced the whole realm of it, but our kids were mostly homeschooled and it was mostly a great experience for us. What works for you and your child is up to you and the Lord to talk about. Our episode today is all about exploring those options. We're going to turn now to a conversation that Jim Daly had with Cynthia Tobias, who is an educational expert and has some great insights. This was recorded several years ago when Jim's kids were younger, but the advice is still spot on.

Jim Daly: What would you be looking at in today's culture if you were in our shoes? What advice would you give us?

Cynthia Tobias: I think the strongest advice, especially with your boys, is you can talk to them. You could ask them even, "What would the ideal school be if school wasn't in?" I know you mentioned that at least one of your boys says, "I hate school." You say, "Okay, so you hate it. So, what would the ideal school be?"

Be prepared for the first answer to be, "I don't want to go to school at all. That would be the ideal thing. No homework." Then you say, "Well, nice try. But realistically, if I could wave a magic wand and you could learn in a way that really works for you, what would it look like?"

Sometimes when you start that kind of dialogue and you stick with it, then what they tell you isn't so unreasonable. They'll give you some clues as to what to look for. It may be that Christian school, it may be homeschooling, it may be charter schools for different parents. But let your kids give you some clues.

Don't just do it all on your own. Your kids are the ones that are the customers of the school. So, focus on them and find out what do you think is going to work for you because here's where we need to be. How do you want to get there? Then they have ownership and they have some responsibility for where they go and how it ends up.

Jim Daly: So often we ignore the input of our children, not because we're being malicious, but simply because we don't really understand that they're mature enough to participate, or we underestimate their maturity. But that's a great idea to get some input from them.

I would think with homeschooling, which, I have met so many homeschooled children and they are incredible kids for the most part. I'm sure there are struggles out there, but it's rare that I would meet a child that's homeschooled that is struggling. They just seem to do well academically and in so many ways.

I'm thankful there are two million children doing homeschooling and all the homeschooling groups that pull together. It's all good. But in that same way, not every parent is equipped to do homeschooling. This can be one of those difficulties in relationships, especially in church communities, because those that homeschool successfully look at those that have children in public school and can be a bit judgmental about that because they don't understand the dynamics of that other family. What word of advice would you have for those that are in all these different camps, the homeschooler, the public school, and then the charter school or private Christian school?

Cynthia Tobias: I'm firmly convinced that if you are a homeschool parent, you are called to be. If you're called to be, it's like being called to preach or called to be a missionary. Not everyone is. I love the Lord as much as anybody, even though I'm not in full-time ministry as a pastor, right? And so do you.

So, it's a calling. I would caution the homeschool parents who are wondering why doesn't everybody do it. Because it is, and I applaud you, and I pray for you and your calling that you would be greatly blessed and that you would have a great dispensation of grace and wisdom to follow God's lead in his calling in that.

And the same in the other choices. You pray for wisdom and you pray for guidance and then, like Oswald Chambers says, "Trust God and do the next thing." So, pray, leave it at the foot of the cross, and do the next thing, which is get up and fix lunch, check into this, check into that. Don't wallow in guilt or remorse or what if I'm not a good parent if I don't do this. Get as practical an approach as you can, do the best you can, pray for guidance, trust God, do the next thing.

Jim Daly: And I would say, be informed. Like what you've said, be an informed parent. Don't make a stupid choice. Talk to people, talk to your friends that have different schooling choices, and don't just trust the internet.

John Fuller: Cynthia Tobias has such great insights and such a smooth, calm, thoughtful way of delivering her advice. I hope you feel a little bit smarter and more informed because of what she shared. We're going to move on to another conversation that we had with Cynthia Tobias, this one addressing some of the changes that have happened in the educational system. She offered a really balanced approach to thinking it all through.

Jim Daly: What are the options educationally now? There are millions of new homeschoolers, as an example, because of the public school scare, I would say. Once parents were able to peer into the homework and the assignments and the class discussions through the pandemic, parents were like, "Oh my goodness." And I think over a million new homeschool students entered homeschool programs. Speak to the options that are there for parents.

Cynthia Tobias: The interesting thing in 2020, 63% decided to homeschool instead of do school in the living room. When schools opened again, only 17% of that 63% went back. The rest stayed homeschooling. So, it's big right now. It's one of the reasons why I invited Mary Jo Dean, who she and her husband founded great homeschool conventions, and I asked her to write two chapters of this book for me to describe how the whole landscape of homeschool is changing.

There are some amazing things in the homeschool. It used to be an odd just, I hope I don't offend anybody, but 30 years ago when I first started, I avoided the homeschool conventions because they were real strict with me and they were sort of counter-cultural if you know what I mean.

And then it kind of turned into, "Well, I'm afraid they might all be women in denim jumpers." And then it's not even that at all. But now in the last 15 years or so, it's professionals and as well as the whole spectrum. I've run into lawyers and police officers and firefighters who say, "You know what? Whatever it takes. If it takes this, that's what I'm going to do because our children are too important and valuable."

Jim Daly: There are so many good options in the homeschooling movement where they do co-op learning. You get together with other parents that have expertise in math or in science or something like that. I think here in Colorado Springs, we have a lot of Air Force retired Air Force that they're astronauts and pilots. You can get into groups here in Colorado Springs, for example, that an astronaut is training your child in science and space science. That's pretty cool. So the expertise is high.

Cynthia Tobias: When you read these chapters, I think you're going to be inspired to find out more.

Jim Daly: I think back, Cynthia, with Dr. Dobson. He really got that rolling. Focus on the Family did a lot of programs on homeschooling back in the day. Remember that, John?

John Fuller: I do, and we homeschooled because of those programs.

Jim Daly: And I think that's one option. You still have good alternatives. We did at the time with the charter school that we put our boys in. We thought was a great option. Thanks to Trent, he came up to me not long ago and said, "Dad, I'm the only one in my class that knows how to write a college paper because of my high school."

Boy, did he complain then though! So you do have some good choices: public school, but really know your school; charter school; homeschool; Christian private school. That can be expensive, but people might look at that as well.

Cynthia Tobias: The bottom line with this book, it's totally biblical worldview. There are scriptures to back it up, and we don't make any bones about saying your child was created by God to and it's too important not to keep the biblical worldview first priority in their lives. One of the statements I make in the book is, it will take sacrifices, but just be sure it's not your child who's the one being sacrificed.

Jim Daly: Boy, that is well said, Cynthia. I think of what is it that you want your children to know. And I think when you look at Christian values, Christian virtues, it's such an odd thing that we are dampening down any kind of teaching of any kind of values and virtues in public school.

I'm probably going to get some criticism for that, but I'm staying in tune with it. But when you have students who are graduating without the introduction of good strong, and I'm just saying not even Judeo-Christian values, but just God's natural virtues, if I could say it that way, what do you expect students to graduate with?

They're not going to understand appropriateness in not lying, not cheating, not doing things that actually are counterproductive to the culture. So, that is critical. If we're producing people that have no values and virtue out of public education, we're going to have citizens that have no values and virtue, and that's really unhealthy for a democracy.

John Fuller: It's such a privilege to hear from folks like Cynthia Tobias. She offers such great wisdom, so many different insights. We all as parents want our kids to grow up well, to be informed, and ultimately to hold on to godly values. There's no formula that promises that if you do it all right, they'll turn out all right. But this is one of those critical things, Danny. "School, I've got to get this right." Or how about for the parent, let's talk to the parent who feels like I missed it. We should have homeschooled or we should have had a different schooling choice. We missed out.

Danny Huerta: You've got to give yourself some grace. You can go from today. Instead of just looking back on what you didn't do, what is it that needs to be done today that can still be done? As we heard from Cynthia, there are so many different great options out there, a very balanced menu of options, including homeschooling.

You don't want to give up. That's the key here, and just think about what should have been done. Think about what can be done and go after that. I know with my daughter, she came to me her freshman year and she said, "Dad, I absolutely hate school. I'm not going to continue with school." It was just overwhelming for her, like I had said.

Then we began to explore some other options. She went to another school. That was not a good fit for her. She went for a semester and she was crying and that was a moment where we could say, "Man, did we pick the right one? That was the wrong choice."

So, we tried another semester at another school. This was a hybrid private Christian school. Again, not a good fit. She was not going well with peers there. She just didn't feel like she fit into this very small sectioned-off group of kids. So, she said, "Dad, I just don't want to go to school." She was tired. She had lost motivation.

I said, "Let's keep looking. There are some other options. Help us as we're looking through these things." She said, "No, I don't want to be doing any of that." So at that point, I was going, "Man, what'd I do wrong here?"

John Fuller: It sounds like you were doing so much. You and Heather were trying everything you could.

Danny Huerta: We were trying our best, John. We just wanted something that would fit well for her. We found this other school, brand new one, just for juniors and seniors. I said, "Let's give it a shot." It's actually right across the street from Focus on the Family, believe it or not.

Air Force Academy ex-professors. I said, "Let's check it out." Wonderful fit. I couldn't have asked for anything better and more life-giving for my daughter. She ended up coming alive. Her love of learning reignited. The teachers, you could see that they cared about each student.

Still challenges around faith things and other areas, but she was ignited. She found other Christians there. They had Bible study together, found some tremendous friends at this school. So, you don't want to give up. You want to keep looking and you'll probably find that gem.

But make sure that you're praying along the way. That's what we sought out. We said, "Lord, give us wisdom. You know where we're at. You know what Lexi needs. Help us along the way." He answered that prayer.

John Fuller: I'm going back to the illustration you gave originally about the journey, the long climb or hike that you're on. The journey along the way is going to be imperfect. You're going to hit hard spots. You're going to have moments where you're throwing up your hands saying, "What else can we do?"

So, I hear you saying, parents, you've got to be the advocate. You've got to shoulder up this responsibility and keep on persevering until you find the right fit. I would say just for those of us who homeschooled, sometimes it's letting go of what we think is perfect.

We had a situation with one of my daughters, ninth grade homeschooling. She said, "Can I go to school?" And we realized she was saying, "I need some social life that I'm not getting right now." Circumstances were hard for the family at the moment, and it was like, "Okay, yeah, we can do that. We can let go of what used to be our aspirational best to see what's best for you." So, press on, let go, trust God, because ultimately, he knows your child best. He cares for your child even more than you do. He knows what's going to go on and we can trust him.

Danny Huerta: And John, one very real thing that a lot of parents face is the issue of bullying. We want to be aware of that. If you're thinking as a parent, blaming yourself, "I put them in this environment, now there's this abuse coming to my child," make sure you're seeking the help they need.

Don't be afraid to go to the school, let them know what's happening, and find a new environment for your child. That's a place where you can really help your child by validating the fact that this is happening to them. I know that would be a whole separate conversation, John, but we need to take that seriously if our child brings that up and not stay in the self-blame and "Why did I do this?", but taking action where action needs to be done.

John Fuller: And I'll assure you that most school faculty and administrators are going to be sympathetic and understanding if you bring that kind of a problem to them. Well, we've been talking throughout this series about the need for you to be equipped and educated, informed, empowered.

We have a series of booklets, online booklets that you can download and read at your leisure. You can sign up for those at EquipYourChild.org. These are covering technology and sex ed and a variety of things that we've touched on in this season of the Thriving Student podcast. Look for the link in the show notes or give us a call or stop by EquipYourChild.org.

Remember to leave a rating for this podcast wherever you listen and on whatever platform you're using, and tell a friend who might benefit from these insights. I'm John Fuller, and on behalf of Dr. Danny Huerta and the entire team, thanks for joining us for Season 2 of the Thriving Student podcast.