Lock Out
August 13, 2020
00:00
Is your family playing the game of Lock Out?
As a kid, I played a game called Lock Out. We would form a circle with linked arms and someone on the outside would try to get into the circle. The more the outsider pushed, the more the circle banded together. Sometimes stepfamilies play this game, too. An outsider stepparent or stepsibling is trying to break into the circle of insiders and find acceptance. The secret to getting inside is to not push. Instead, talk, interact, and get to know them. Eventually they will relax and let you in.
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Do you want to start a fight in a stepfamily with adult kids? Just start talking about money.
Money matters really tap into the best and worst of us. In stepfamilies, sometimes it reveals differing emotional connections and loyalty issues. We hear from stepparents who feel pushed out when their adult stepchild asks their parent to add their name to the checking account or life insurance; and from those who discover their spouse has loaned money to an adult child without their knowledge. Hey, there’s no room for secrets or emotional games in blended families especially between spouses.
August 12, 2020
Sometimes announcing an engagement is an opportunity to find forgiveness.
Transitions in life naturally create opportunities for healing. Becoming a parent helps you forgive your parents because now you understand how hard parenting is. Likewise, divorced parents may not fully understand how hurt their children were by the divorce until they announce a new marriage. Okay parents, instead of getting defensive about the past, recognize that this transition has created an opportunity to listen to your kids’ hurt, ask for forgiveness, and heal your relationship.
August 11, 2020
Ron, this is so hard for me to relate to. I’ve never experienced a blended family. Well, maybe you have.
I meet people who can’t relate to stepfamilies because they’ve never lived in one. Well, you’re part of a church, right? Many churches look and feel like stepfamilies. They have a diverse membership from a variety of theological and ethnic backgrounds seeking a common worship style, belief, and practice. Or, when a church changes pastors they get a new stepparent, so to speak, with a different style that some welcome and others resent. Maybe you know more about blended families than you think.
August 10, 2020
Sometimes, to settle an argument, flip a coin.
I know that sounds simplistic, but the Bible in Proverbs 18:18 has practical guidance for solving a problem. “Casting the lot settles disputes and keeps strong opponents apart.” Apparently adding chance to the equation gets you beyond the impasse. Hey, Rock, Paper, Scissors settled fights between my kids about who goes first! And, going second taught our kids about delaying their wants, considering the needs of others, and being less selfish. Now, there’s a life lesson for us adults, too.
August 7, 2020
Okay, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
I always try to get parents and stepparents to understand kids better so they’ll be more patient with them and agents of healing for them. Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger.” Children in stepfamilies have been through a lot. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but making sense of it is vital if you’re going to know how to respond. Like, seeing sadness behind a child’s frustration. That insight will add compassion to your response and that changes everything for a child.
August 6, 2020
Yeah, Ron, I guess I got whooped by a 9-year-old.
Tim was reflecting on his marriage and how it had ended in divorce. We had talked about how the health of a stepfamily marriage is intertwined with the overall health of the entire family. In his case, he and his wife couldn’t agree on how to parent her 9-year-old son. Now let me be clear, couples in first marriages can lose their relationship to the kids, too. But parent matters can rapidly divide a stepfamily couple. So if someone you know is struggling encourage them to find parental unity.
August 5, 2020
Why would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane?
Once, during a flight, the pilot came on and said, “We’re experiencing some turbulence and have turned on the fasten seat belt sign for your protection. If you get out of your seat and break your arm, it’s on your nickel.” While we didn’t appreciate his tone, we did value the caution. Okay, anyone trying to blend a stepfamily should heed this caution, “Buckle your seatbelts and remain seated. The ride may be bumpy for a while, but it will smooth out. Press on, and don’t jump out of the plane!”
August 4, 2020
For many kids the summer visitation schedule is over. It’s time to transition back to the other home.
This is one of those occasions where people are a little sad about leaving, glad about arriving, and perhaps a little confused about how to manage the transition. Initially, a lot of emotion can be bouncing around so give each other some space. Parents, you may be eager to hear about your kid’s summer, but sometimes they need a little adjustment time. Let them tell you when they are ready. And, both of you need a little space to get back into the household routine and prepare for school.
August 3, 2020
When you woke up today, you got to decide what clothes to put on.
That is, unless you’re two, in which case, someone chose for you. But most of us got to decide what clothes to put on. In the Bible, in Colossians 3 we’re told to “Put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, patience, and above all, love.” You decide to wear these virtues as you go throughout your day and in so doing, reflect Jesus to your friends, family, and the world. It might not feel natural at first, but the more you wear these clothes, the more naturally they fit.
July 31, 2020
We expect the world to try to pull our kids away from Christ, but sometimes, it’s their own family.
For millions of kids of divorce, the beliefs taught in their two homes couldn’t be further apart. One mom asked how she could share the gospel with her two girls who live with their unbelieving father. Of course, she’s praying for them and she can share biblical wisdom and insight, even at a distance, through texting and social media. When the kids visit, she can share her faith community with them. Don’t shove the Bible down their throats; just let the good news come alive in their presence.
July 30, 2020
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