This Much Work
August 24, 2020
00:00
Hey, if your kids and I can’t naturally get along then maybe we shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place. It shouldn’t have to be this much work.
Clearly this stepfather has tried to connect with his stepchildren, but the door is closed. Actually what’s “natural” for new blended family relationships is for them to be awkward and strained from time to time. It should take some intentional effort to forge through that. This stepdad’s expectation for quick family harmony has set him up for frustration and a critical attitude. Family stress is not an indication that you shouldn’t have married. It’s natural. Connect where you can and persevere.
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Really? Jesus learned obedience?
When the writer of Hebrews 5 said Jesus “learned obedience through what he suffered,” he wasn’t suggesting Jesus was disobedient. He’s suggesting an obedient Jesus demonstrated a deeper understanding of the value of obedience through practicing it when he was tempted. Marriage and family relationships allow us the chance to practice obedience even when we’re tempted not to. We can choose to forgive when hurt and love even when taken for granted and in practicing obedience we mature in Christ.
August 21, 2020
Yes, Ron, this marriage and family are much better than my first and I feel guilty about it.
It sounds odd but that’s what some divorced and remarried people feel. The church doesn’t help when we’re condescending. The message is, “You had a failed marriage so you’re a failure and you don’t deserve to be happy.” What? I thought there was no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I think we’re all relying on that one. Yes, sin is dark and has consequences in this life. But that doesn’t mean a repentant heart can’t rest in the warmth of God’s mercy and grace. Shame free.
August 20, 2020
Help me. My family is falling apart.
Kathy's 20-year-old and 16-year-old daughters didn’t get along with their stepfather and their dad didn’t have any relationship with them. “It’s just a mess,” she said. “But I still have faith God will work this out.” Kathy, I’m sorry things are difficult right now. There’s no easy fix so I’m not going to belittle your circumstances with simplistic advice. Keep investing in your marriage because it's the foundation that allows you to rebuild your home. And, keep praying and don’t give up.
August 19, 2020
Wise stepparents honor their stepchildren’s past.
When Victoria married a widower with four kids she applied this advice and it paid off. When they moved her furniture into his house she noticed how “uprooted” the kids felt, so she made changes cautiously. First, the kitchen but their mother’s items were distributed or saved for each child. Then she waited five years to re-do the living room. And now, after seven years, for Christmas she gifted each child with a photo of their family of origin and the current stepfamily. Now, that’s wisdom.
August 18, 2020
They just don’t get it, Ron. Stepfamilies are not the same.
That comment came from a couple who had been to two pastors and multiple counselors for help with their marriage and blended family, but no one could help because they didn’t understand the differences in stepfamilies. So, I’m going to contrast how biological families and stepfamilies are different and the same. Why do that? Because if you’re a ministry leader, your program needs to adapt. And if you’re a stepparent or a future stepparent, you need to know how to approach your role differently.
August 17, 2020
Love is the language of heaven.
Paul, in the Bible, tells us that love is what lasts from this life into the next. When Christ comes again, love will be perfected. Love, then, is our destiny because it is the very essence of God, made known in the person of Jesus Christ. Now on a practical level, your marriage and family relationships are one practice field on which you learn the qualities, habits, and disciplines of love. So, spend some time today learning the language of heaven.
August 14, 2020
Is your family playing the game of Lock Out?
As a kid, I played a game called Lock Out. We would form a circle with linked arms and someone on the outside would try to get into the circle. The more the outsider pushed, the more the circle banded together. Sometimes stepfamilies play this game, too. An outsider stepparent or stepsibling is trying to break into the circle of insiders and find acceptance. The secret to getting inside is to not push. Instead, talk, interact, and get to know them. Eventually they will relax and let you in.
August 13, 2020
Do you want to start a fight in a stepfamily with adult kids? Just start talking about money.
Money matters really tap into the best and worst of us. In stepfamilies, sometimes it reveals differing emotional connections and loyalty issues. We hear from stepparents who feel pushed out when their adult stepchild asks their parent to add their name to the checking account or life insurance; and from those who discover their spouse has loaned money to an adult child without their knowledge. Hey, there’s no room for secrets or emotional games in blended families especially between spouses.
August 12, 2020
Sometimes announcing an engagement is an opportunity to find forgiveness.
Transitions in life naturally create opportunities for healing. Becoming a parent helps you forgive your parents because now you understand how hard parenting is. Likewise, divorced parents may not fully understand how hurt their children were by the divorce until they announce a new marriage. Okay parents, instead of getting defensive about the past, recognize that this transition has created an opportunity to listen to your kids’ hurt, ask for forgiveness, and heal your relationship.
August 11, 2020
Ron, this is so hard for me to relate to. I’ve never experienced a blended family. Well, maybe you have.
I meet people who can’t relate to stepfamilies because they’ve never lived in one. Well, you’re part of a church, right? Many churches look and feel like stepfamilies. They have a diverse membership from a variety of theological and ethnic backgrounds seeking a common worship style, belief, and practice. Or, when a church changes pastors they get a new stepparent, so to speak, with a different style that some welcome and others resent. Maybe you know more about blended families than you think.
August 10, 2020
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