Battling Over Blame
April 21, 2021
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One of the ways pride affects your marriage—it blinds you to you.
Couples often battle over who’s to blame for the tension in their marriage. Ironically, both he and she want to close the gap in their relationship but pride is insidious and it drives people to conquer their spouse and blame them. At least it’s not my fault we brag to ourselves. But as is the case with all sin, the momentary satisfaction is fleeting. Afterwards you realize you’re all alone and the victory was self-defeating. Set aside your pride and deal with the person in the mirror.
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What do you do when your love associations differ?
In our book Building Love Together in Blended Families, Dr. Gary Chapman and I discuss how blended family love associations—meaning, the qualities or behaviors we associate with love—can be different on day one in a stepfamily. A stepchild may love their stepparent, but not respect their authority. A stepparent may love the children the same, but still find it awkward to hug their stepchild. When love associations collide, you get conflict. Recognize it takes time to merge definitions of love.
April 20, 2021
Kids, where do you put a stepparent in your heart?
Finding a place that doesn’t hurt Mom or Dad is tough. Dena could tell her stepdaughter felt disloyal to her mother and was paying an emotional price for liking her, so Dena gave her stepdaughter permission to let go of her. It was an act of love. My friend Laura Petherbridge says sometimes stepparents need to let go of the role they want to play and embrace the role they can play. Being used by God in strategic ways to bless a child—even if it doesn’t fulfill your dream—is a noble ministry.
April 19, 2021
So, if both parents die who gets your kids?
If you have minor children you need to answer that question. One dad wasn’t sure what to do. His wife had died and now he was getting married. So, if he dies, should the stepmother be their guardian or those he and his first wife designated long ago? Who will the child trust and who is best positioned to lead them? In the beginning of a blended family that’s likely not their stepparent but could become so in time. Don't base your decision on a dream but what’s real and happening in your home.
April 16, 2021
A pre-nup. You want us to do a pre-nup?
Financial planners often encourage pre-stepfamily couples to get a “prenuptial agreement,” but that feels like you’re planning for a divorce. A much better way is something I call "A Shared Covenant Agreement” which helps stepfamily couples manage their daily expenses, discuss insurance and retirement, and do estate planning for their children and each other. It builds confidence in how money will be used in your complex family. Don’t let money issues divide you; instead finance togetherness.
April 15, 2021
Be careful. Don’t turn a stepfamily problem into “Us vs. You.”
Maria and her young adult children had many complaints about her husband. Clearly she needed to ask him to help find solutions, but I warned her not to use language like “you” and “we” or the gap between him and her kids would widen and she would be tempted to side with them. I said, “Emphasize you want to strengthen your marriage and you need his help to make things better for the family.” Don’t pit people against each other; lead with your desire for closeness so you tackle problems together.
April 14, 2021
When strong ocean winds blow, you need an anchor.
Often at a blended family wedding you watch the winds of confusion blow. Tension in stepfamily relationships makes people anxious all while putting on a smile for the bride and groom. The groom’s side is not sure what to do with the bride’s side and the wedding coordinator struggles with which labels to use. But if you look you can see it. The bride and groom and the vows that tie them together, become an anchor in the storm. Anchored to God, they in turn are an anchor for their extended family.
April 13, 2021
Ok, folks, let’s be careful with our words.
Someone might call a divorced family a broken family. How would you feel if I called you broken? If you mean fractured, yes, it’s no longer intact. But when we say broken what's heard is, “less than” which communicates condemnation and unworthiness. Are we implying divorced people and their kids can’t be whole? We don’t call widowed families broken. Let's use less pejorative terms like “divorced family” or “single parent family” and reserve the term broken for ourselves as we kneel at the cross.
April 12, 2021
I got a question: How long did the father wait for the prodigal son to return? It’s a trick question really. Answer: He waited as long as it took. I give stepparents who are trying to connect with a child who has their back turned towards them a similar answer. Oh, it’s frustrating, all right. One stepdad told me about his 12 -year-old stepdaughter: “I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me—so I just gave up.” I asked him, how long he waited. "Three months," he said. Ah, dude. You were on the right track, but the answer is as long as it takes. As long as it takes.
April 9, 2021
Every house, has its own blueprint. Proverbs 24 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” I do this to share wisdom with you for building a stepfamily home. I know you can’t hear them all so we put them online. Proverbs continues, "By knowledge the rooms of your home will be filled with pleasant riches." When you apply stepfamily wisdom, the dining room and living room are full of good food, laughter, and warmth and the master bedroom is filled with…well, let your imagination finish that one.
April 8, 2021
No, the bridge was always there. She just finally crossed it. Jennifer and her stepfather started on opposite sides of the ravine. She told me, “It took years to appreciate what my stepfather did for me starting at age 13.” Now she was a 28-year-old mother herself and she said, “He provided for us and loved me even when I couldn’t let myself love him. I don’t know why. But eventually I let him in and now we have an awesome relationship.” Adoptive parents and stepparents can be God’s provision for a child. When love builds a bridge cross it.
April 7, 2021
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