Something Other Than Mother?
April 19, 2021
00:00
Kids, where do you put a stepparent in your heart?
Finding a place that doesn’t hurt Mom or Dad is tough. Dena could tell her stepdaughter felt disloyal to her mother and was paying an emotional price for liking her, so Dena gave her stepdaughter permission to let go of her. It was an act of love. My friend Laura Petherbridge says sometimes stepparents need to let go of the role they want to play and embrace the role they can play. Being used by God in strategic ways to bless a child—even if it doesn’t fulfill your dream—is a noble ministry.
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So, if both parents die who gets your kids?
If you have minor children you need to answer that question. One dad wasn’t sure what to do. His wife had died and now he was getting married. So, if he dies, should the stepmother be their guardian or those he and his first wife designated long ago? Who will the child trust and who is best positioned to lead them? In the beginning of a blended family that’s likely not their stepparent but could become so in time. Don't base your decision on a dream but what’s real and happening in your home.
April 16, 2021
A pre-nup. You want us to do a pre-nup?
Financial planners often encourage pre-stepfamily couples to get a “prenuptial agreement,” but that feels like you’re planning for a divorce. A much better way is something I call "A Shared Covenant Agreement” which helps stepfamily couples manage their daily expenses, discuss insurance and retirement, and do estate planning for their children and each other. It builds confidence in how money will be used in your complex family. Don’t let money issues divide you; instead finance togetherness.
April 15, 2021
Be careful. Don’t turn a stepfamily problem into “Us vs. You.”
Maria and her young adult children had many complaints about her husband. Clearly she needed to ask him to help find solutions, but I warned her not to use language like “you” and “we” or the gap between him and her kids would widen and she would be tempted to side with them. I said, “Emphasize you want to strengthen your marriage and you need his help to make things better for the family.” Don’t pit people against each other; lead with your desire for closeness so you tackle problems together.
April 14, 2021
When strong ocean winds blow, you need an anchor.
Often at a blended family wedding you watch the winds of confusion blow. Tension in stepfamily relationships makes people anxious all while putting on a smile for the bride and groom. The groom’s side is not sure what to do with the bride’s side and the wedding coordinator struggles with which labels to use. But if you look you can see it. The bride and groom and the vows that tie them together, become an anchor in the storm. Anchored to God, they in turn are an anchor for their extended family.
April 13, 2021
Ok, folks, let’s be careful with our words.
Someone might call a divorced family a broken family. How would you feel if I called you broken? If you mean fractured, yes, it’s no longer intact. But when we say broken what's heard is, “less than” which communicates condemnation and unworthiness. Are we implying divorced people and their kids can’t be whole? We don’t call widowed families broken. Let's use less pejorative terms like “divorced family” or “single parent family” and reserve the term broken for ourselves as we kneel at the cross.
April 12, 2021
I got a question: How long did the father wait for the prodigal son to return? It’s a trick question really. Answer: He waited as long as it took. I give stepparents who are trying to connect with a child who has their back turned towards them a similar answer. Oh, it’s frustrating, all right. One stepdad told me about his 12 -year-old stepdaughter: “I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me—so I just gave up.” I asked him, how long he waited. "Three months," he said. Ah, dude. You were on the right track, but the answer is as long as it takes. As long as it takes.
April 9, 2021
Every house, has its own blueprint. Proverbs 24 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” I do this to share wisdom with you for building a stepfamily home. I know you can’t hear them all so we put them online. Proverbs continues, "By knowledge the rooms of your home will be filled with pleasant riches." When you apply stepfamily wisdom, the dining room and living room are full of good food, laughter, and warmth and the master bedroom is filled with…well, let your imagination finish that one.
April 8, 2021
No, the bridge was always there. She just finally crossed it. Jennifer and her stepfather started on opposite sides of the ravine. She told me, “It took years to appreciate what my stepfather did for me starting at age 13.” Now she was a 28-year-old mother herself and she said, “He provided for us and loved me even when I couldn’t let myself love him. I don’t know why. But eventually I let him in and now we have an awesome relationship.” Adoptive parents and stepparents can be God’s provision for a child. When love builds a bridge cross it.
April 7, 2021
When a child misbehaves, make sure you lead with love. Jaylen’s teenage stepson cussed out and intimidated his own mother. Now Jaylen really wanted to unload on him, but he decided to take a different approach. With great compassion and a calm tone, he asked the young man what prompted him to be disrespectful. He led with genuine love. That got the young man to reflect on himself. His attitude softened and he apologized. Then, and only then, did Jaylen look that young man in the eyes and sternly tell him to never cross that line again.
April 6, 2021
Sometimes you have to step through the wilderness with trust and raw determination. Many of us have a wilderness to cross at some point in our lives. Like Moses and the Israelites headed for the Promised Land, often it takes longer to get there than we'd like. Stepfamilies have to step through their wilderness, too. They’ll reach a Promised Land when they’ve had time to create a family identity and smooth out the bumps in relationships. Because that journey can be long, it’s important to keep trusting God to provide direction and to stay determined to not look back at Egypt.
April 5, 2021
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Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.