FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Avoiding Us vs. You

April 14, 2021

Be careful. Don’t turn a stepfamily problem into “Us vs. You.”

Maria and her young adult children had many complaints about her husband. Clearly she needed to ask him to help find solutions, but I warned her not to use language like “you” and “we” or the gap between him and her kids would widen and she would be tempted to side with them. I said, “Emphasize you want to strengthen your marriage and you need his help to make things better for the family.” Don’t pit people against each other; lead with your desire for closeness so you tackle problems together.

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When strong ocean winds blow, you need an anchor. Often at a blended family wedding you watch the winds of confusion blow. Tension in stepfamily relationships makes people anxious all while putting on a smile for the bride and groom. The groom’s side is not sure what to do with the bride’s side and the wedding coordinator struggles with which labels to use. But if you look you can see it. The bride and groom and the vows that tie them together, become an anchor in the storm. Anchored to God, they in turn are an anchor for their extended family.
April 13, 2021
Ok, folks, let’s be careful with our words.  Someone might call a divorced family a broken family. How would you feel if I called you broken? If you mean fractured, yes, it’s no longer intact. But when we say broken what's heard is, “less than” which communicates condemnation and unworthiness. Are we implying divorced people and their kids can’t be whole? We don’t call widowed families broken. Let's use less pejorative terms like “divorced family” or “single parent family” and reserve the term broken for ourselves as we kneel at the cross.
April 12, 2021
I got a question: How long did the father wait for the prodigal son to return? It’s a trick question really. Answer: He waited as long as it took. I give stepparents who are trying to connect with a child who has their back turned towards them a similar answer. Oh, it’s frustrating, all right. One stepdad told me about his 12 -year-old stepdaughter: “I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me—so I just gave up.” I asked him, how long he waited. "Three months," he said. Ah, dude. You were on the right track, but the answer is as long as it takes. As long as it takes.
April 9, 2021
Every house, has its own blueprint. Proverbs 24 says, “By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established.” I do this to share wisdom with you for building a stepfamily home. I know you can’t hear them all so we put them online. Proverbs continues, "By knowledge the rooms of your home will be filled with pleasant riches." When you apply stepfamily wisdom, the dining room and living room are full of good food, laughter, and warmth and the master bedroom is filled with…well, let your imagination finish that one.
April 8, 2021
No, the bridge was always there. She just finally crossed it. Jennifer and her stepfather started on opposite sides of the ravine. She told me, “It took years to appreciate what my stepfather did for me starting at age 13.” Now she was a 28-year-old mother herself and she said, “He provided for us and loved me even when I couldn’t let myself love him. I don’t know why. But eventually I let him in and now we have an awesome relationship.” Adoptive parents and stepparents can be God’s provision for a child. When love builds a bridge cross it.
April 7, 2021
When a child misbehaves, make sure you lead with love. Jaylen’s teenage stepson cussed out and intimidated his own mother. Now Jaylen really wanted to unload on him, but he decided to take a different approach. With great compassion and a calm tone, he asked the young man what prompted him to be disrespectful. He led with genuine love. That got the young man to reflect on himself. His attitude softened and he apologized. Then, and only then, did Jaylen look that young man in the eyes and sternly tell him to never cross that line again.
April 6, 2021
Sometimes you have to step through the wilderness with trust and raw determination. Many of us have a wilderness to cross at some point in our lives. Like Moses and the Israelites headed for the Promised Land, often it takes longer to get there than we'd like. Stepfamilies have to step through their wilderness, too. They’ll reach a Promised Land when they’ve had time to create a family identity and smooth out the bumps in relationships. Because that journey can be long, it’s important to keep trusting God to provide direction and to stay determined to not look back at Egypt.
April 5, 2021
What’s so good about death? Today we acknowledge the death of Christ. We call it Good Friday. What’s good about it? In Jesus’ day when Rome conquered an enemy, a herald would announce the good news. They called it a gospel. For us, the cross changed everything. The suffering of one brought mercy to many. Good Friday announced the “good news” that the battle had been won, victory was ours, and the King was restoring peace to his people. This weekend join with your church family and celebrate the King. We have good news!
April 2, 2021
Patience is definitely a virtue. Growing in Christ often comes down to things we take off and put on, like when we say to a child, “Hold on. Be patient,” what we’re saying is “Put on some patience.” The Bible talks about patience as delaying something you want on behalf of someone else’s need. Like the way God is patient with us, slow to judge, and long-suffering. You put on patience when you let a child finish a task using their style, not yours. It’s showing mercy and restraint to keep on loving someone who is hard to love.
April 1, 2021
In marriage, is “separate” ever okay? A consumer magazine offered this financial advice. “Consider separate accounts for your expenses that are all your own.” They were talking to blended family couples and encouraging separate bank accounts. But that creates a trust issue doesn’t it? One man said, “I thought the point of marriage was oneness. How can couples become one if they keep their money separate?” Stepfamily finances are tricky. Consider all the factors, consult with a financial planner, and make a decision together.
March 31, 2021
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Receive our monthly Strengthening Stepfamilies newsletter as well as the occasional email updating you on stepfamily events and resources.

About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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