Who Is the Priority?
December 8, 2017
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Okay, so you are a mom in a blended family. Have you ever heard this one before? You love him more than you love us.
You know lots of moms or dads have heard that accusation from their kids. It usually comes when the kids are feeling insecure. So what do you do? What is the priority in your life? Well, here is what you say. “My spouse is the most important adult in my life. You kids are the most important kids in my life. I love you both very much. God has given me more than enough love for all of you. I will always be here for you.” One antidote to a child’s insecurity is your reassurance and a big hug.
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I once asked a seven-year-old what it felt like when her mom married her stepfather. She said, “Well, it’s kind of like when a friend pushes you down on the playground and runs off and leaves you.” Ouch.
The problem here is that mom threw all of her time and energy into the new relationship and it came at the neglect of her child. If you are a single parent I suggest a good balance in dating. Spend time with your kids. Spend time with the person you are dating. If you are already married in a blended family, keep a fresh connection with each child. Ironically, this will make it easier for your kids to embrace their stepparent and stepsiblings because they are not competing with them for you.
December 7, 2017
Healthy co-parenting is hard. So, is it worth all the hard work?
Co-parenting is increasingly common these days. When we get it right, there are a lot of benefits. It reduces loyalty conflicts in children. It decreases resentment between homes, making it emotionally safer for kids to move back and forth. It improves the psychological well-being of children. It fosters cooperative parenting, which means kids can’t play one home against the other. And it reduces stress in a couple’s relationship, strengthening their marriage. I’d say it’s well worth it.
December 6, 2017
How do you prevent divorce in the next generation?
You do that by preventing divorce in their parents. Children of divorce are less confident about the idea of marriage, often choose cohabitation over marriage, and are themselves 89% more likely to divorce when they get married. What do you do for kids who have already experienced divorce? Give them a healthy marriage model. You prevent divorce in the next generation by preventing redivorce in this generation. Healthy stepcouples lead by example which is reparative and that breaks the cycle.
December 5, 2017
Diligence secures a reward.
“Whoever tends a fig tree,” Proverbs 27 says, “will eat its fruit.” Apparently, faithful diligence brings reward. Now, that’s a speech we want to tell our kids before they go to college. And, one we need to give ourselves when we have a prodigal child. Or are looking for a job or struggling with a bad habit. In faithfulness, keep tending to the tree—the relationship or situation—season after season. It may not bring quick reward or bear the exact fruit you want, but reward it likely will bring.
December 4, 2017
“But Ron, what do you do about all the things that you can’t control?” Well, here is one more tip for managing strep-stress at the holidays. Do what you can and accept what you can’t change.
Honestly, this tip may be the most difficult for co-parents. After all, you’ve contacted the other home, tried to be reasonable and cordial, and they still won’t meet you in the middle. It can be extremely frustrating sometimes. So what do you do? Bend when you can bend but say no when you have to and stick to your guns. And, in all things repay evil with good. As for all the other little irritating things you can’t control? For the well-being of your kids, you may just have to grin and bear it.
December 1, 2017
So, what do you call a stepfamily?
There’s a lot of confusion about what term to use for the stepfamily these days. Ah, see there, I used one. “But, Ron, we call our family a blended family because we’re trying to blend everyone together.” Yeah, that works. But, then, for some a blended family is a bi-racial family. Well, others call themselves a remarried family, or a combined family. There’s a lot of terms, but no matter which you choose, just remember to act like a family.
November 30, 2017
Criticism is hard to carry.
Imagine if I walked up to you and said, “I can’t believe your mom. Someone should call the authorities on her. Clearly, she doesn’t love you.” My guess is you’d be pretty mad at me. But what if it wasn’t me talking about your mom? It was your dad. Or it was your grandma talking about your dad. Or your mom talking about your stepmom. No matter how old you are, you’d feel it, wouldn't you? I talk to kids who tell me that’s what their parents say about each other. On their behalf, “Knock it off.”
November 29, 2017
Today, I’m on my soapbox.
There are five stages of grief, right? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. But this stage model from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross applied to people who are dying not those left behind. She studied anticipatory grief and that’s it. I can’t find any empirical evidence that says these stages exist let alone that you go through them in any particular order. Grief is a journey not a destination and you can’t predict the path. Walk the journey with God and the people who love you.
November 28, 2017
When God repeats himself—pay attention!
Nearly 150 times Scripture tells us not to worry about life or be afraid. 150! God said, “Do not be afraid” to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, the Israelites (12 times), Joshua (3 times), Gideon, Mary and Joseph, the disciples (10 times), Paul and many more. Now my friend, Ron Walters, points out that most of the time this happened God’s people faced a challenge and God knew they would be anxious. What about you? Does the unknown make you fearful? What do you do? Set aside fear and trust Him.
November 27, 2017
“I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel like home anymore.”
A 35 year-old woman said this as she reflected on her holiday family visit. She went to her childhood home but because her dad married after her mom’s death, he was preoccupied with his new wife and her family. All of that made home feel foreign. Changes to family traditions can make children and teens feel that way, too. That's why parents should keep some traditions. Also, acknowledge that change is hard. Talk about it. Remind them that what hasn’t changed is your love for them.
November 24, 2017
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