Hell hath no fury like a woman scored. Or anyone else for that matter.
Someone “scorned” has had their love rejected and they can be vicious. Proverbs 27:3 says, “Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy”? When someone feels threatened they get jealous and cause more pain. Anything can be a threat to a relationship. It’s up to us to weed threats out. Prioritize your commitments. Stay in tune with what feels threatening to your kids, spouse, and friends. Make little decisions that honor and move you towards those you care about.
October 30, 2017
Hey, would you line-dry your underwear in front of your house?
Why would you air your dirty laundry online? I saw these on Facebook. “I resent my husband for making me care for his kids.” “My stepkids wrote me a letter of my faults and failings today.” “My stepdaughter treats me like I’m invisible.” Hey, talking poorly online about members of your home is not a good idea. It’s like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube. Once it’s out there, you can’t get it back. Yes, you need a trusted friend with whom you can commiserate. But that’s not the internet.
October 27, 2017
Parenting sure is rewarding, but tough work. So, whenever possible—get out of the way.
Whenever possible, let reality be the teacher. I recently learned you can’t park along the National Mall in Washington, D.C. after 4 p.m. How did I learn that? I got a ticket. We want to prevent our children from experiencing distress but when we protect them from the natural consequences of their choices, we steal their opportunity to learn lessons that stick. If they don’t start a school project until the last minute, it’s not your deadline to meet. Get out of the way and let life teach.
October 26, 2017
True or false: it generally takes stepfamilies six months to a year to become stabilized?
Answer: False. It takes most blended families two or three years to stabilize and five to seven years to establish a family identity. What? Two to three years? Well, think about it. If you move your family to a new city, experts tell us it takes a couple of years to find a doctor, a church home, and make friends. You know, to feel at home. Why would it not take two families a few years to figure out how to merge? Hey, you can’t rush time. Just make good use of it.
October 25, 2017
When you check into a hotel, it feels like home, right?
Walking into a hotel room with a suitcase to find an empty closet is a reminder you’re a visitor. That’s why I encourage co-parents not to make their kids pack a suitcase before going to the other home. That’s what visitors do. Sure, they’ll carry their cell phone and homework, but their closet should be filled with their stuff. Even the clothes they’re wearing are the child’s clothes, not yours. We call it visitation, but they’re not visiting. Make sure they know they belong in both homes.
October 24, 2017
Compassionately correcting a friend is an act of love.
Today’s culture says that it’s loving to be tolerant. I have my truth, you have yours, and anyone who suggests otherwise is intolerant and unloving. Contrast that to God’s word, Proverbs 27: “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Real love, God says, is willing to correct a friend or a loved one—that is evidence of love, but saying nothing, is withholding love. It’s weak and selfish. Don’t’ be intimidated about graciously and kindly sharing truth. Sometimes it’s what love does.
October 23, 2017
Jennifer contacted us on social media. She was desperately trying to help her husband, her children’s stepfather, to be respected by her children and we wanted to help.
Early in a stepfamily, stepparents walk a tight rope as they build a relationship with kids and establish their role in the home. The tight rope for kids has to do with respect. When Jennifer’s husband would ask her kids to do something they would ask their mom if they had to do what he said. Obviously, they viewed her as the authority. This is a common dynamic. Her role is clear to them, his is not, so she needed to back him up and communicate that respecting him was also respecting her.
October 20, 2017
“Ron, we dated for two years and everything seemed great with my kids. But the day we got married, out of no-where, they changed their tune.”
That’s a common story. They’re confused and wonder what they missed before the wedding. I point out that kids are confused, too. They really did like the idea of the family and are often drawn to the stepparent and the stepsibilings but it’s not real until it’s real. Kids can’t anticipate how sad they will be or how displaced they’ll feel when everyone moves into together after the wedding. It has to become real for all of that to come to the surface. That’s when adults need lots of patience.
October 19, 2017
Fight, fight! When new siblings don’t get along.
Jessica’s daughter gets along great with her stepsister who’s about the same age, but the older stepsister wants nothing to do with her. And everyone feels the tension. Respond to sibling conflict by helping them resolve the issue, but when one sibling is holding out or mistreating the other coach them toward love. Call them up to decency and generosity and encourage leadership in older siblings. Help them see the opportunity, not the inconvenience, of being a positive influence.
October 17, 2017