Checking in With Mom
October 20, 2017
00:00
Jennifer contacted us on social media. She was desperately trying to help her husband, her children’s stepfather, to be respected by her children and we wanted to help.
Early in a stepfamily, stepparents walk a tight rope as they build a relationship with kids and establish their role in the home. The tight rope for kids has to do with respect. When Jennifer’s husband would ask her kids to do something they would ask their mom if they had to do what he said. Obviously, they viewed her as the authority. This is a common dynamic. Her role is clear to them, his is not, so she needed to back him up and communicate that respecting him was also respecting her.
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“Ron, we dated for two years and everything seemed great with my kids. But the day we got married, out of no-where, they changed their tune.”
That’s a common story. They’re confused and wonder what they missed before the wedding. I point out that kids are confused, too. They really did like the idea of the family and are often drawn to the stepparent and the stepsibilings but it’s not real until it’s real. Kids can’t anticipate how sad they will be or how displaced they’ll feel when everyone moves into together after the wedding. It has to become real for all of that to come to the surface. That’s when adults need lots of patience.
October 19, 2017
I’m constantly amazed at how we keep moving the morality line.
A survey in America examined whether people thought things like flirtatious texting was cheating on your spouse. Opinions varied but what surprised me was how people transformed black and white lines into gray. About 20% of Christians said a one-night stand or ongoing sex with someone other than your spouse was NOT cheating. What? You know what would clear this up. Ask your spouse if they would consider you having a one-night stand cheating. I bet the line is clearly drawn then.
October 18, 2017
Fight, fight! When new siblings don’t get along.
Jessica’s daughter gets along great with her stepsister who’s about the same age, but the older stepsister wants nothing to do with her. And everyone feels the tension. Respond to sibling conflict by helping them resolve the issue, but when one sibling is holding out or mistreating the other coach them toward love. Call them up to decency and generosity and encourage leadership in older siblings. Help them see the opportunity, not the inconvenience, of being a positive influence.
October 17, 2017
Have you ever seen a knife sharpen itself?
To sharpen a knife blade you need to rub it against what's called a whetstone sharpener. I’m fascinated by people who think they can get sharper by attending church online or going to worship with hundreds of people but never go to a class or small group where they have to actually talk to somebody. To sharpen your life, you have to have interaction. “One man sharpens another,” says Proverbs 27. Surround yourself with people who sharpen your character and you’ll be a sharper disciple of Jesus.
October 16, 2017
Okay, imagine your parents are madly in love. And then one day you see one of your parents kissing someone else. What do you feel?
Well, you probably feel a mixture of anger, confusion, disbelief, and fear. Oh, and insecurity. You feel insecure because the foundation of your life is knowing where you came from, who loves you, and where home is, right? What if that parent is divorced? Or widowed? To a large degree, a child of any age still feels the same way when they see a parent kissing someone else. It’s just hard. Dating single parents see your new relationship through the eyes of your children and then respond with compassion.
October 13, 2017
Hey, I’m not in a stepfamily. So how come you make so much sense?
I’ve become aware that many of you who listen to this daily feature don’t live in a stepfamily but you grew up in one or you’ve lost a parent or you’ve come from a divorced family. And you keep hearing aspects of your life in the things that I talk about. Sometimes that’s good but sometimes it just brings up pain. So what do you do? Well, talk to the Lord about it. Lay it at His feet. Wrestle with forgiveness or what you can do to improve the situation. Childhood pain just stays pain unless you grow through it. You know what? Maybe now’s the time.
October 12, 2017
“Ron, my teenager is boycotting dinner. Should we make her join us?”
When a teenager starts protesting something we as parents should both listen and speak. Listen to what they are angry or hurt about. In this case, the father had recently married and his 17-year-old was taking it pretty hard. But also speak to lead the child with grace. I told the dad, “Tell your daughter she doesn’t have to love her stepmother, but if she wants to eat she needs to show up for dinner with a decent attitude. Meet your daughter half-way and insist that she meet you half-way.”
October 11, 2017
But how do you cook stew when some of the ingredients aren’t in the pot?
You’ve heard me say that the best way to cook a stepfamily is with a crockpot. But what if an ingredient isn’t in the crockpot? Say, a child has limited contact or is an adult with their own life and family? Well, you can only cook ingredients when they are in the pot so lower your expectations and take advantage of the time you do have. Remain open even if they are not. It may feel distant for a while, but time has a way of softening ingredients. Just remember you’re not done cooking yet.
October 10, 2017
One way to mature as a person is to stop bragging.
Whether it’s an athlete pounding their chest or someone posting about their latest accomplishment, our world seems to love people who call attention to themselves. Ah, when a four-year-old does that we call it annoying, but for some reason our world calls it swagger. The Bible calls it immaturity. Proverbs 27 says, “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth.” Hey, if someone notices and compliments you on a job well done, great! But don’t’ call attention to yourself, just quietly be Jesus.
October 9, 2017
Mark Twain once said, “A cat that sits on a hot stove won’t sit on a hot stove again.” Then he added, “Neither will it sit on a cold stove.”
When the death of a spouse or a divorce precedes a stepfamily marriage it’s easy for spouses to fear getting burned again. The problem is the fear of being hurt makes us withhold ourselves and stop loving. Well, that’s obviously not going to help. So what is the antidote? Love as if you’ve never been burned before. That’s probably going to take some courage and a lot of prayer but think of the rewards that will come when you do unto your spouse, as you would have them do unto you.
October 6, 2017
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.