Turning Points—Affirming Words
July 24, 2018
00:00
Looking back is one way you know what made the difference.
Research has identified a variety of turning points in healthy stepparent-stepchild relationships. One turning point is when the stepparent affirmed the value of the child. Like when they went to bat for them in a social situation—or stood by the child during a challenging time. And for some kids it helped to hear the stepparent claim the child as their own. There’s a catch: stepparents shouldn’t expect the child to claim them as dad or mom, but knowing you’re committed can be a turning point.
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Time is a commodity that pays significant dividends.
When researchers asked adult stepchildren to look back and describe how things got better with their stepparent one of the things they discovered is that an investment of quality time was a turning point. Spending leisure time together; talking about life made a difference in their relationship. Now here’s the catch: quality time is rare in the early years of a stepfamily because conflict tends to be high. But don’t give up trying because when you find it, it’s a turning point for good.
July 23, 2018
Okay, Ron, I’m the biological dad and I agree that I should make my wife, my kid’s stepmom, a high priority in our home. But does that mean I always have to agree with her?
Parenting team unity is important especially when it comes to setting boundaries and standards for your home. But there are negotiations every family faces that aren’t mountains to die on. Like deciding which TV show to watch. Sometimes it's okay to agree with your kids. What you don’t want is a pattern of ending up at odds with your spouse around things that really matter. If you find yourself repeatedly falling into that hole climb out quick or the jealously and insecurity will just get worse.
July 20, 2018
For stepfamily couples, one of the things that divides their marriage is parenting their kids.
Let’s say the stepparent thinks there needs to be more consequences and the biological parent agrees but wants to go about it differently. The stepparent can feel like an outsider trying to find their place. Parenting in stepfamilies is really complex so I can’t give you one simple answer to every scenario but what I can do is to encourage you to get educated. Read online articles and books, go to seminars, start a ministry in your church—find the answers. You and your kids will be glad you did.
July 19, 2018
So, do you live in a state of “continuous partial attention”?
Parent educator Joshua Straub suggests that being continually distracted by our devices creates a secondhand screen impact on our children. We allow our play, talk, and attention time to be interrupted and our kids suffer for it. The brains of babies might even be wired to expect interruption by this repeated process. So, Dr. Straub suggests you designate certain times to look at your screen and compartmentalize time where no phones are allowed. Aren’t your kids worth your undivided attention?
July 18, 2018
Hey, stepfamily, your family, is an evolving mosaic.
Sometimes I think blended families are too hard on themselves. They forget that all families have seasons that are stressful and ambiguous. The “terrible twos”—need I say more? And teenagers think their parents have lost their ever-loving mind. Then there is that new in-law that you really wish would become an outlaw. And stressors related to aging and caring for parents. Look stepfamily, every iteration of your family mosaic, is family. Appreciate what’s good and keep praying about what’s not.
July 17, 2018
Double-messages just leave you confused.
Have you ever had an employer make you responsible for something, but then take your authority away. It’s confusing. Stepparents get these double-messages a lot early on when their stepchild appreciates them for being a parent, but then gets annoyed with them for being a parent. Yes, give me an allowance, but don’t discipline me. The answer to this confusion is to not second-guess yourself. Act with consistency; build trust over time; and let your spouse handle punishment for a while.
July 16, 2018
Hey Ron, what should we expect from the part-time kids in our home?
Some single parent and blended families know it’s tough to balance expectations for kids you have on the weekends or during the summer, especially when you have other children full time. Try and spend focused time with kids who come on the weekends, make time for all the kids to be together, and never show preference in gift-giving or affection. As for chores, you can’t expect a two-day a week child to carry the same load as a child who is there all week but nobody gets a free pass.
July 13, 2018
Every couple has conflict. In fact, healthy and unhealthy couples have the same amount of conflict. But what’s different is how they manage it.
Healthy couples are more likely to resolve their arguments. Essentially, they put into practice dozens of disciplines that help them move past the issue. James 3 in the Bible says, "A careless word out of your mouth can be a spark that sets off a forest fire." Not criticizing your spouse, managing your tone, turning down your volume, and listening with openness to understand are disciplines that keep you from setting off a forest fire. Don’t be a fire starter. Be a fire fighter who puts them out!
July 12, 2018
Are you stuck in the past?
We all make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. But, sometimes it’s hard to live out the lessons learned when you’re still stuck in the mistakes. I hear this occasionally from stepparents who can't allow themselves to invest in their stepchildren. Guilt gets the best of them and they can’t enjoy the present. But we should, as Paul says in Romans 6, count ourselves dead to sin and alive to God through Jesus. Your past is not your present. God’s peace is.
July 11, 2018
Dream weddings don’t always end the way we imagine.
It was a mid-life wedding. But as the couple drove away on their honeymoon his son called him to say that a sister was having an emotional breakdown. And her daughter called her to report that his adult children didn't help with clean up. The couple turned off their cell phones and went on their honeymoon only to return home in her words, “completely unprepared for stepfamily living.” Now, not all blended families begin this way, but if you’re starting “a blend,” we’d love to help you.
July 10, 2018
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Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.