FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Secondhand Screen Time

July 18, 2018

So, do you live in a state of “continuous partial attention”?

Parent educator Joshua Straub suggests that being continually distracted by our devices creates a secondhand screen impact on our children. We allow our play, talk, and attention time to be interrupted and our kids suffer for it. The brains of babies might even be wired to expect interruption by this repeated process. So, Dr. Straub suggests you designate certain times to look at your screen and compartmentalize time where no phones are allowed. Aren’t your kids worth your undivided attention?

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Hey, stepfamily, your family, is an evolving mosaic. Sometimes I think blended families are too hard on themselves. They forget that all families have seasons that are stressful and ambiguous. The “terrible twos”—need I say more? And teenagers think their parents have lost their ever-loving mind. Then there is that new in-law that you really wish would become an outlaw. And stressors related to aging and caring for parents. Look stepfamily, every iteration of your family mosaic, is family. Appreciate what’s good and keep praying about what’s not.
July 17, 2018
Double-messages just leave you confused. Have you ever had an employer make you responsible for something, but then take your authority away. It’s confusing. Stepparents get these double-messages a lot early on when their stepchild appreciates them for being a parent, but then gets annoyed with them for being a parent. Yes, give me an allowance, but don’t discipline me. The answer to this confusion is to not second-guess yourself. Act with consistency; build trust over time; and let your spouse handle punishment for a while.
July 16, 2018
Hey Ron, what should we expect from the part-time kids in our home?   Some single parent and blended families know it’s tough to balance expectations for kids you have on the weekends or during the summer, especially when you have other children full time. Try and spend focused time with kids who come on the weekends, make time for all the kids to be together, and never show preference in gift-giving or affection. As for chores, you can’t expect a two-day a week child to carry the same load as a child who is there all week but nobody gets a free pass.
July 13, 2018
Every couple has conflict. In fact, healthy and unhealthy couples have the same amount of conflict. But what’s different is how they manage it.   Healthy couples are more likely to resolve their arguments. Essentially, they put into practice dozens of disciplines that help them move past the issue. James 3 in the Bible says, "A careless word out of your mouth can be a spark that sets off a forest fire." Not criticizing your spouse, managing your tone, turning down your volume, and listening with openness to understand are disciplines that keep you from setting off a forest fire. Don’t be a fire starter. Be a fire fighter who puts them out!
July 12, 2018
Are you stuck in the past?   We all make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. But, sometimes it’s hard to live out the lessons learned when you’re still stuck in the mistakes. I hear this occasionally from stepparents who can't allow themselves to invest in their stepchildren. Guilt gets the best of them and they can’t enjoy the present. But we should, as Paul says in Romans 6, count ourselves dead to sin and alive to God through Jesus. Your past is not your present. God’s peace is.
July 11, 2018
Dream weddings don’t always end the way we imagine.   It was a mid-life wedding. But as the couple drove away on their honeymoon his son called him to say that a sister was having an emotional breakdown. And her daughter called her to report that his adult children didn't help with clean up. The couple turned off their cell phones and went on their honeymoon only to return home in her words, “completely unprepared for stepfamily living.” Now, not all blended families begin this way, but if you’re starting “a blend,” we’d love to help you.
July 10, 2018
“Knowing” the future gets in the way of faith.   Maybe you’ve heard about John Kavanaugh’s conversation with Mother Teresa. The famous ethicist asked her to pray he would have clarity about how to spend the rest of his life. Her answer shocked him. “No, I will not do that. Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.” Knowing short-circuits faith. No knowing forces you to rest in God’s care and that's a much better place to be.
July 9, 2018
I really respected Mike’s honesty. He said, “I just didn’t realize how hard it would be to love my stepdaughter the same as my two kids.”   Stepparents like Mike who catch themselves having to work at their affection for their stepchildren, feel really guilty about it. Actually what I think they notice is the difference between the deep natural affection parents feel toward their biological children and the choosing type of love that grows over time toward adopted kids and stepchildren. Listen, both are love. One may start on the inside and the other on the outside, but both communicate value and worth to a child.
July 6, 2018
You prepare to drive a car, right? So why not prepare to be a family?   You’ve heard me say that a healthy stepfamily is s redemptive organism of God’s grace, but that a fractured stepfamily just adds salt to the wounds. So why is it that most pre-stepfamily couples don’t prepare for life after the wedding? About two-thirds don’t discuss parenting and others don’t prepare the kids for the transition. Preparation is key to starting out right. Visit us online and download our free First Year Survival Guide. Learn what it takes to have a good blend.
July 5, 2018
We are dissolving our political bonds; we are now thirteen United States of America.   That’s what Thomas Jefferson declared on July 4th, 1776. “We,” he said, “…declare that these United Colonies are…Free and Independent States; they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown…” And with that, ties were cut and a country was born. As you celebrate our country’s birthday with those you love share a hot-dog toast to the committed men and women of the U.S. military. Let’s remember, “In God we trust” is how it all started; it’s up to us to keep it there.
July 4, 2018
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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