The Unwanted Guest
June 15, 2022
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When the door won’t open, what do you do?
Initially, stepparents are often treated like an outsider. Eventually most get invited in but not always. Even after a decade one stepparent asked, “How do I continue giving myself to an adult stepchild whose only goal is to treat me like an unwanted guest?” It requires a delicate balance of self-care. Pull back occasionally to refuel and remain available should their heart open. Both are challenging and the process exhausting. So, pray…a merciful heart, and for God to change what you can’t.
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Archives
Having a baby will solidify our blended family, right?
Sometimes couples think a “concrete child” will help solidify the wet cement of their stepfamily. Not a good idea. Common sense would say have the baby after you’ve had time to merge your family. You don’t have a baby so someone will marry you and you don’t give a wedding ring so someone will fall in love with you. You fall in love, you commit to a future together and then you give a ring. Let having a baby be about having a baby, not a tool for a family merger.
June 14, 2022
A good father serves and leads his family, and executes authority in the home. Stepdads can do this, too, but in the beginning it may look a little different.
Smart stepdads cast a godly vision for their home, but they recognize initially, they may need to lead through their wife. She has authority with her kids and she is their source of security not him. He gets this, so he provides in direct leadership. Together, with his wife, they set behavioral expectations and standards for the family, but until her kids respect him she’s going to follow through on consequences. A stepdad who humbly serves his family like this is a smart stepdad indeed.
June 13, 2022
Do you know what intestacy is?
It’s when a court has to decide after you die who is entitled to your assets. There’s a body of laws that take over when you don’t have a will and only 45% of Americans have a will. Do you want family members fighting over your stuff? Without a will you might be setting them up for just that sort of heartache. And for stepfamilies, why let the court give your spouse or their children things you wanted to give to your children? Instead, why not bless your family with your will?
June 10, 2022
The advice we often give is pretty simplistic.
To a betrayed person sometimes people say just forgive and move on. But recovery is a marathon. In addition to forgiveness there is confronting the betrayer, confession by the betrayer, processing what’s happened. Establishing a new track record of honesty and faithfulness. Small increases in trust and risk taking. More faithfulness. Repeat, repeat, repeat. On average, it takes over 35,000 steps to run a marathon. Reconciling a relationship is a marathon. It can be done and it is well worth it.
June 9, 2022
Ron, how do we tell our child some bad news?
Eventually, you’ll have to tell your child something hard to hear. Tell them what’s happening and how you feel about it. Then ask them how they feel. “Son, I’m sorry, but your best friend’s parents are getting a divorce and you might not see David as much. I know this is hard. I’m sad for them and for you. Now, how are you feeling about this?” When we lead with our emotions it helps our kids uncover their emotions. And checking in repeatedly over time helps you lead them through the valley.
June 8, 2022
When I got married over 30 years ago I was really dumb!
I don’t mean “dumb” as in “stupid;” I mean dumb as in ignorant, naïve of all I would have to learn and the skills I’d need to develop, to be a good husband. I had no idea our “usness” would have a rhythm, a pace, a purpose, and a dance that would also require sacrifices I never knew I would have to give. Not knowing what we’d have to become may have been a gift from God. If we did know, we might not have signed on. But we didn’t and we still don’t. We only have to trust God and be teachable.
June 7, 2022
There’s a shame virus infecting parents and it’s time we address it.
Parents love their kids but they don’t always have the same affection for each child. Shamefully, parents whisper these words to me thinking they are alone but I hear it regularly. From biological parents who don’t relate well to one of their children or don’t like who their adult child is becoming. From adoptive and stepparents who are still bonding with a child. Feeling differently about kids is normal. Treat them fairly, with kindness, and work at being empathetic. Ask God to grow your love.
June 6, 2022
When it comes to social justice, facing adversity with self-control has the biggest impact.
People like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela insisted on peaceful protests that invited the world to listen. They understood what Proverbs 16 teaches: being slow to anger is better than being mighty and that self-control is powerful. Strength under control carries influence. Are you patient with those who frustrate or mistreat you? Assertively speaking up for what God declares good without using anger as a weapon of choice? If not, make your home a better place by controlling yourself.
June 3, 2022
No, you don’t judge a book by its cover. Or a family for that matter.
A teacher asked a student about her family. The girl mentioned she had a stepmom, but, then was quick to clarify they didn’t say “stepmom or stepchild” in their family. It’s interesting. Family rules about what we call each other can create a lot of pressure especially on kids. But terms don’t necessarily represent the heart. What you say to others about your family is not necessarily indicative of how you feel. So give kids in complex families the freedom to use terms that make sense to them.
June 2, 2022
Try being gentle in your assertiveness.
Christians somehow think being assertive is a bad idea but I think the problem is more about how you deliver your assertiveness. Most people use a rude or angry tone. Try being gentle. With a former spouse you might calmly say, “Please stop sharing your opinions about my family with our child. You’re putting him in the middle and I know you don’t want to hurt him. Thanks.” It’s okay to be assertive—even Jesus was assertive. Just take out the rude and put in the gentle. In love, speak the truth.
June 1, 2022
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