Be Gentle in Your Assertiveness
June 1, 2022
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Try being gentle in your assertiveness.
Christians somehow think being assertive is a bad idea but I think the problem is more about how you deliver your assertiveness. Most people use a rude or angry tone. Try being gentle. With a former spouse you might calmly say, “Please stop sharing your opinions about my family with our child. You’re putting him in the middle and I know you don’t want to hurt him. Thanks.” It’s okay to be assertive—even Jesus was assertive. Just take out the rude and put in the gentle. In love, speak the truth.
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Favoring a child, will divide a family.
Her father named her Joy because she was his “pride and joy.” But in this case being her father’s favorite didn’t lead to joy. Both of Joy’s parents had children from their first marriages. When she came along, she was daddy’s favorite, and he let everyone know it. Joy’s siblings resented her and it divided the family. It’s okay to have special connection points with your kids, but favoring one above the others is unjust and problematic for any family. Guard against favoritism. Love them all.
May 31, 2022
This life is not all there is.
In Luke 8, Jairus begs Jesus to heal his 12-year-old daughter. I begged Jesus to heal my 12-year-old son. Jairus daughter died. My son died. Jesus then goes to Jairus’ house, says that she is sleeping and raises her from the dead. I would love for that to happen for my son. Someday it will. When we lose someone, sometimes, we fall asleep on eternity—we forget this life is not all there is. Yes, we miss them. But wake-up and trust your family to the One who has the power to raise the dead.
May 30, 2022
And now, three ways to undermine a stepparent.
A biological parent wants their spouse—the stepparent—to be successful. But a parent inadvertently undermines the stepparent when they repeatedly defend their child, try to control how close they become, or mediate problems between their spouse and the children. The parent wants to reduce conflict and increase closeness; but it can have the opposite effect. As much as you can, let the stepparent and your children work out their relationship. The bridge they build together is much more stable.
May 27, 2022
Have you ever run down the road only to discover, it’s a dead end?
The book of Proverbs in the Bible repeats twice—word for word—this observation. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” There are many dead-end roads. Many blended families begin because someone did what seemed right to them and it destroyed a family. And later on, they picked up the pieces and started another one but what do you do now? Stop running down your own dead-end road. Rest in God’s forgiveness and start walking his path.
May 26, 2022
Travel to a foreign land and you’ll realize what you consider normal.
Crossing cultures helps you recognize that you take language, society, and relationships for granted. And other people, who have a different normal, have a hard time understanding you. The same thing applies in different types of families. If you live in a blended family find others who also live in a stepfamily. Talk about life with those in a first family and you might end up feeling abnormal. Find others who also live in Stepfamily-land and you might discover your family is pretty normal.
May 25, 2022
Hey parents, you can’t have it both ways.
Have you ever received a double message? Like when a friend tells you it’s okay that you didn’t call them, but then is mad that you didn’t call them. One trap in stepfamily parenting is when the biological parent clearly wants the stepparent to be a part of the parenting process, but then undercuts their authority and decisions. This is confusing and defeating to the stepparent. Either they are part of the team or they are not a part of your life. I suggest you make them part of the team.
May 24, 2022
Yellow and red is orange.
Benito and Paulina had a beautiful sunset marriage. He was yellow, she was red, and together they made orange. Then tragically Paulina died. Later Benito married Victoria and he assumed this marriage would be like the first one. But his yellow and Victoria’s blue made green. Not orange. Every marriage has its own unique color and your job is to respect it, not try to paint over it. This means Benito can’t restore what was lost but he can accept another beautiful family portrait.
May 23, 2022
If nothing else, act like you know what you’re doing.
A high school baseball umpire unexpectantly found himself umping a college game and he wasn’t prepared. The chief umpire told him, “I don’t care if you make the right call or not, just be in the right position, and make the call with authority.” That’s pretty good advice for parents and stepparents. Be in the right position: Be engaged in your child's life. And make the call with authority: We don’t always know best but when we lead with certainty, we manage the game and keep the players safe.
May 20, 2022
“Ron, what kind of issues come with growing up in a stepfamily?”
A woman I was talking to clearly was wrestling with her childhood. Her parents divorced when she was young. Her mother was devastated; her father quickly married and threw himself into “his new family.” This woman became her mom’s caretaker and hated her stepmom. No one was safe for her. Parents in complex families do a better job when they step inside their children’s shoes, consider how they feel, and remain a stable presence. The transitions for them are hard. They need you to understand.
May 19, 2022
“Against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:23)
Have you ever noticed that when we act in accordance to the Spirit of God, no one complains? Who has a problem with people who are kind, loving, and self-controlled? The Bible says no one makes a law against that. Proverbs 16 tells us when we live in ways that please the LORD, even our enemies come to be at peace with us. For some relationships peace is a long rode but there is no better way to order our lives. Here’s how it starts: Let the next thing you do reflect the heart of Christ.
May 18, 2022
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