Ron, I’m marrying a man with adult children. I suppose our family transition will be easier since we have an empty nest, right? Ah, well…
Each year thousands of single parents who have empty nests marry. What they don't realize is adult stepfamilies have just as many adjustments to work through as do younger stepfamilies. When an adult child is complaining that home just doesn’t feel like home anymore the biological parent feels caught between the new spouse and their child. Find out what the other people need and ask God for a heart of understanding. I think you’ll be more gracious and compassionate with one another that way.
January 5, 2018
When conflict divides, be a bridge.
Two people you care about are hurting and you want to help bring the two sides together. Talk to each person separately, give perspective, and encourage them to reconcile. Anyone with credibility on both sides can play that role. I’ve even seen a stepparent bridge the gap between a parent and their child. The trick is knowing when to step back and let them work on repairing their relationship. We can help jump start the conversation, but they have to do the work. Be a conduit of reconciliation.
January 4, 2018
When helping a drowning person be careful not to get pulled under, too.
Brenda told me her husband’s ex-wife still cared for their 39-year-old alcoholic daughter and expected his help financially. Brenda asked, “When does co-parenting end?” Mentoring never ends, but financing an adult’s irresponsibility should have ended long ago. If your husband isn’t careful, he'll be pulled under with his drowning daughter and ex-wife and you. A skilled swimmer really can help a drowning person. Just because they are under-functioning in life doesn’t mean you should join them.
January 3, 2018
How do you love someone different than you—I mean really different?
You’re a talker; your son isn’t. You’re a saver, your wife isn’t. You’re have to-do lists, but your dating partner can't find her keys. Why does God make us so different? I think to force us outside ourselves. Think of it this way. If you’re a flaming extrovert and your spouse an introvert, neither of you is “wrong.” But both of you have to moderate who you are in order to serve the other. I move my personality closer to yours, you toward mine, and we both lose ourselves in order to find us.
January 2, 2018
Romans 12 tells us to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Sometimes we have to do them both at the same time.
Everyone who has experienced loss knows that special days and holidays bring a mixed bag of emotions. It definitely works that way in stepfamilies, too. If your family was fractured by divorce some might rejoice over new family members while others weep over being separated from someone they love. In order to cope you need to go with the flow and allow some people to be happy while others are sad. This holiday season rejoicing and weeping together might be the best gift you can give or receive.
January 1, 2018
What’s more important to you—possessions or people?
Have you seen the car commercial where the husband lies to his wife so he can drive his new car? The caption is, “You’ll do anything to take it for a drive.” Really? This car is so special you’d rather betray your wife than not drive it? The assumption people value possessions more than family seems ludicrous when you say it out-loud, but what if there’s some truth to it? If someone were to document how much time and energy you put into your possessions, might they believe you cherish them more?
December 28, 2017
Here’s an idea for all parents: Smile, when you say “no.”
By his own admission, Steve was demanding as a parent. He had to be after his wife died leaving him with three teenagers to raise. Years later, when he married and became a stepdad, his authoritarian style was well set. But what worked as a parent backfired as a stepparent. I suggested he put a smile with his “no.” I explained we get more influential as parents when we are gentle, yet firm. When we’re calm while we set boundaries or handle discipline. Grace and truth is a powerful combination.
December 27, 2017
Did your mother ever tell you to save for a rainy day? So, did Solomon.
Many people struggle financially, in part because they are in debt and living paycheck to paycheck while buying cars and devices they can’t afford. Well, in Proverbs 27 Solomon encourages us to adopt a wise financial strategy. “Know the condition of your flocks,” he begins. “Give attention to managing what you have, for riches” he continued, “do not last forever.” Don’t waste what you have. Set some aside for a rainy day so when conditions deteriorate, you and your family will not be in need.
December 26, 2017
That precious Messiah baby…was born to die.
In her stepfamily devotional, Seeking a Silent Night, Laura Petherbridge notes that the image of a bloody Savior is gruesome and difficult; we much prefer the adorable, approachable baby Jesus in a manger. But that baby was born to die for you and me. And when life becomes difficult, he is the anchor. When relationships are strained or the bank account empty, he gives strength. Come kneel beside the manger. Do you see him? Do you know he came for you? It’s true. This is the miracle of Christmas.
December 25, 2017