Reconciliation: Making the First Move
March 31, 2020
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When two people have their backs turned, who makes the first move?
I know a stepmom who has good relationships with most of her stepchildren, but she and her stepdaughter are stuck. So first, she decided to cut her stepdaughter a break and realize that not everything she does is personal. Second, she needs to set firm boundaries. And third, she needs to forgive her stepdaughter for a few things so she can make the first move towards reconciliation. Why her? Because when your backs are turned the first person responsible to turn back around is always you.
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I’ve been asked many times, “How do people survive tragedy without God?” Answer: I have no idea.
Proverbs 14 tells us that when calamity comes, even in death it says, the righteous have a refuge. Nearly every blended family has experienced a great loss. An absent parent, the death of a parent, or the death of a family through divorce. But I’ve repeatedly witnessed, beaten and battered people holding on to the rock of their salvation, surviving the storm, and emerging on the other side. Our refuge is not brought down by our circumstances. God is dependable. Hold on to Him.
March 30, 2020
That’s right. Get in the trenches.
Are you looking to make some new relationships? Or maybe new memories? Here’s a way to do both. Get in the trenches and serve beside others. Throwing yourself into a service project with others forces you to work together and learn about each other. It also builds memories. In blended families this has the added benefit of helping family members forge new relationships in meaningful ways. You bond, make memories, and do some good for a neighbor next door or around the world.
March 27, 2020
Hey kids, isn’t it annoying when parents change the rules!
You thought you knew what was expected but now you don't. Your parents read a good book, or they go to a parenting class and they change their expectations. Then there are the parent-stepparent changes. For years you could be sarcastic with your brothers and then a stepparent enters the scene and takes it personally when you’re sarcastic with your stepbrother. It’s a pain. And it would help if they wouldn’t take things quite so personally, but maybe you’re going to have to stop being sarcastic.
March 26, 2020
In your family, can you speak truth?
A good friend will tell you the truth. Sometimes families are afraid to speak truth. But other than God these people know you better than anyone. And they are supposed to be your best friends helping you become more like Christ. Who better to speak truth? What about this: Give them permission to gently point out sin in your life. Not in a critical or condemning way, but compassionately because they love you. It may be awkward, but when done softly for your good, why would you turn it down?
March 25, 2020
Here’s one for you. Envy rots the bones.
According to Proverbs 14, envy rots the bones. Because it wants what others have it’s constantly thirsty, a longing that eats us up from the inside out. The envy trap in families occurs when one mom wants what another mom has or when we covet the material possessions of someone else. Occasionally in blended families I see parents bickering over the loyalties of their children and kids posturing for the affections of their parents. The antidote? A heart at peace. Content with God’s provision.
March 24, 2020
Redemption. It’s what God does.
The Bible could be described as one redemptive story after another. Through Noah God redeemed the world from utter evil. In the second Adam, Christ, God redeemed what the first Adam took away. As he did then, God redeems our stories today. I was talking with a Christian recording artist who struggled after his parent’s divorce. It left a troubling residue. But later, God began to weave together healing and restoration. You can’t change the past. But God can change the story you tell.
March 23, 2020
Have you ever experienced road rage?
When someone honks their horn, scowls at you, or offers some sort of symbol of their affection, it makes you mad. You’re mad because they're mad. A harsh word stirs up anger just like Proverbs 15 says. The same thing happens in relationships. When I bring home the road rage, it escalates negativity. Unless someone compassionately responds to me. Looking past what is outside, listening to what is inside, and then hugging it. Yes, a harsh word stirs up anger. But a gentle answer turns away wrath.
March 20, 2020
Watch out! Don’t start blendering.
Blendering is my made-up word for what couples do to force their blended family to blend. Blenders collide ingredients with intense force until they are combined. That works for making a smoothie but it's not helpful when you’re dealing with children. Like expecting deep love and affection to develop quickly. That kind of pressure usually backfires. Keep Crockpot expectations. Ingredients will warm up to one another slowly. Blendering in blended families is a blunder you don’t want to make.
March 19, 2020
Well, I’m back with another big mistake that stepfamilies make.
There is so much involved in parenting our children for life, love, and their walk with the Lord—you really can’t afford to wing it. You have to be prepared. Now stepcouples have to be prepared for even more: parenting between homes, part-time kids and having a 10-year-old, 16, or 28-year-old who is used to a set of rule and expectations. So coming together around a parenting plan is about leading well, protecting your marriage, and avoiding a big mistake.
March 18, 2020
Have you ever tried to build a home without a blueprint?
That would be a big mistake. But nearly as bad, some couples start to build their stepfamily home with a biological family blueprint. That just doesn’t make sense. The role of a stepparent is very different than a biological parent. Blended family blueprints make sense of the differences and how loss affects kids, holiday stress, between home conflicts…the list goes on and on. Yes, stepfamilies need blueprints designed for stepfamilies. Follow those plans and your home will be solid.
March 17, 2020
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