Reaching Across the Aisle
May 2, 2018
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Maybe it’s time you reached across the aisle.
When politicians reach across the aisle—that ideological dividing line of partisanship—and work together things get done. Sometimes families need to do the same. In today’s complex blended families, there could be a gap in step-relationships that can only be filled when someone builds a bridge. When asked about her stepgrandfather, she said, “Even after five years I don’t know him. We’ve only interacted a few times.” There’s great potential here, but only if someone reaches across the aisle.
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In the movies—and life—scary music means it’s time to run!
Have you ever been frustrated trying to motivate an employee, a friend, or a child? The notable therapist, Edwin Friedman said, “People can only hear you when they move toward you, and they are not likely to do that when your words are pursuing them…” People move toward you when they trust you. But, negative or critical words cause them to move away, which means they can’t hear what you say. Want to improve a relationship? Change what comes out of you to something peaceful and inviting.
May 1, 2018
Great parents, pay attention to both the what and how of parenting.
The what of parenting is content. The how is the emotional process. So, you and your son are arguing about whether or not you asked him to finish his chores before playing video games. He says you didn’t; you say you did. That’s content. The emotional process is that he’s baited you into an argument and your need to win the argument means he gets to duck responsibility. Okay, manage the process (refuse to argue) so you can also manage the content (doing his chores is a given, not up for debate).
April 30, 2018
Proverbs says that a wise child brings joy to his parents, but a foolish child brings grief. So how do you make them wise?
It's helpful to offer consistent loving boundaries with predictable consequences throughout the life of the child. Why wouldn’t a parent do this? One reason that causes problems is when single parents and parents in stepfamilies become paralyzed by guilt or sympathy. I get it. You feel so bad for all your child has suffered that you just can’t follow through with discipline. But that doesn’t work. It adds foolishness in their heart and grief to your life. Don’t be paralyzed. Follow through.
April 27, 2018
I’m sure you’ve heard that money problems are the number one cause of divorce, right? Well, not really.
Yes, the top issues couples argue about are money, sex, and parenting. But the reason they can’t resolve those arguments is because of how they argue, their values about money, selfishness, and stubbornness. So, what’s the solution? First, make sure your core values line up with God’s values. That will unify you. Then, and only then, can you tackle the logistics of financial management. For stepcouples, it can get complicated really fast. So getting specific guidance can be well worth it.
April 26, 2018
Be careful parents. You might disintegrate your child.
In a sci-fi movie, a disintegration gun makes someone disappear. If parents aren’t careful, they can make their child disappear. Mark had two stepdaughters, 38 and 42 years old, who still relied on their mother for financial assistance. He hoped to retire, but his wife wouldn’t let him because the girls needed money. Here’s the deal: A good way to make a child dysfunctional is to over function in their space. Don’t do that. Let them carry their own load or you’ll pay for it and so will they.
April 25, 2018
You know what? Well-intended bad advice…is still bad advice.
Six years ago, our pastor told my husband to take over the discipline of my two kids since he was now the "man of the house." All we did was mess things up. Yep, you got bad advice. Your pastor had good intentions, but he didn’t understand stepfamilies. If you’re a helper, ministry leader, even a therapist, get informed about stepfamily living. Attend our two-day summit that equips leaders, go online, or read a book. Misguided good intentions can harm a family. Get wisdom and give good advice.
April 24, 2018
Okay, it’s a bit hypocritical, but here goes: Saying “stupid” to your kids is stupid.
Jackie’s husband corrects her 14 year olds behavior like if he forgets to bring home an assignment from school by calling it stupid. Jackie’s concerned that her son will hear, “You are stupid.” I think she’s right. That’s likely what her son will hear, especially if her husband repeats that type of thing over and over. Hey, kids internalize criticism. So, compliment their character and avoid labeling their behavior. You didn’t like it when I called you stupid; don’t label them stupid.
April 23, 2018
Did you know that most children of divorce—are citizens of two countries?
Children living between mom’s house and dad’s house may have different chores, family rules, and punishments. I'm amazed how kids can adapt to these different cultures every other weekend. Sometimes they need a little reminder but generally they can adjust especially when both homes do their best to respect the preferences of the other home and don’t make kids feel guilty for how things are done. Stepkids have citizenship in two countries. For your kid’s sake do your part to foster peace.
April 20, 2018
You know what’s worth more than silver, or gold, or rubies? According to Proverbs 8, it’s wisdom.
How do you get wisdom? Solomon suggests that the word of God teaches wisdom and brings understanding to life. It puts our feet on the path that brings peace. When we surround ourselves with others who are also walking that same path we benefit from their collective wisdom. All families, stepfamilies included, need the wisdom of scripture and they need to be part of a small group. If you’re not part of a group, search for one on our web page. Get connected and get wisdom.
April 19, 2018
When things look hopeless, seek the Lord continually.
That encouragement came from Sue, a mother who had done that on behalf of her blended family and she saw a dramatic change. Her blended family started with her daughter saying, “I hate you” to her stepdad, but now she says, “When can we get together?” Sue joked, “I think she likes her stepdad more than me now.” How long did it take? It took ten years to get to better. Until then, she prayed Psalm 105:4—“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”
April 18, 2018
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