Disintegrating Your Child
April 25, 2018
00:00
Be careful parents. You might disintegrate your child.
In a sci-fi movie, a disintegration gun makes someone disappear. If parents aren’t careful, they can make their child disappear. Mark had two stepdaughters, 38 and 42 years old, who still relied on their mother for financial assistance. He hoped to retire, but his wife wouldn’t let him because the girls needed money. Here’s the deal: A good way to make a child dysfunctional is to over function in their space. Don’t do that. Let them carry their own load or you’ll pay for it and so will they.
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You know what? Well-intended bad advice…is still bad advice.
Six years ago, our pastor told my husband to take over the discipline of my two kids since he was now the "man of the house." All we did was mess things up. Yep, you got bad advice. Your pastor had good intentions, but he didn’t understand stepfamilies. If you’re a helper, ministry leader, even a therapist, get informed about stepfamily living. Attend our two-day summit that equips leaders, go online, or read a book. Misguided good intentions can harm a family. Get wisdom and give good advice.
April 24, 2018
Okay, it’s a bit hypocritical, but here goes: Saying “stupid” to your kids is stupid.
Jackie’s husband corrects her 14 year olds behavior like if he forgets to bring home an assignment from school by calling it stupid. Jackie’s concerned that her son will hear, “You are stupid.” I think she’s right. That’s likely what her son will hear, especially if her husband repeats that type of thing over and over. Hey, kids internalize criticism. So, compliment their character and avoid labeling their behavior. You didn’t like it when I called you stupid; don’t label them stupid.
April 23, 2018
Did you know that most children of divorce—are citizens of two countries?
Children living between mom’s house and dad’s house may have different chores, family rules, and punishments. I'm amazed how kids can adapt to these different cultures every other weekend. Sometimes they need a little reminder but generally they can adjust especially when both homes do their best to respect the preferences of the other home and don’t make kids feel guilty for how things are done. Stepkids have citizenship in two countries. For your kid’s sake do your part to foster peace.
April 20, 2018
You know what’s worth more than silver, or gold, or rubies? According to Proverbs 8, it’s wisdom.
How do you get wisdom? Solomon suggests that the word of God teaches wisdom and brings understanding to life. It puts our feet on the path that brings peace. When we surround ourselves with others who are also walking that same path we benefit from their collective wisdom. All families, stepfamilies included, need the wisdom of scripture and they need to be part of a small group. If you’re not part of a group, search for one on our web page. Get connected and get wisdom.
April 19, 2018
When things look hopeless, seek the Lord continually.
That encouragement came from Sue, a mother who had done that on behalf of her blended family and she saw a dramatic change. Her blended family started with her daughter saying, “I hate you” to her stepdad, but now she says, “When can we get together?” Sue joked, “I think she likes her stepdad more than me now.” How long did it take? It took ten years to get to better. Until then, she prayed Psalm 105:4—“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”
April 18, 2018
“We just had to stay committed to getting through those early years.”
That was Jay's comment and he’s right. One quality of blended families, who do well, is stubborn persistence through those early rough years. His wife, Laurie, shared another. “I quit trying to fix my stepkids,” she said. She was too focused on getting Mom-like respect and love rather than building a strong relationship. Both Jay and Laurie adjusted their expectations and lead their family through. Now, 15 years later, they talk about how much their eight kids love each other.
April 17, 2018
One decision can make all the difference.
Jemma's husband left her and their daughter and married a woman and was expecting a child. Jemma’s pain and bitterness was overwhelming so she planned to take her daughter away from her father. But Jemma’s mother told her to stop and think and respond in grace. She stayed and she’s so glad she did. Today, her daughter and half-sister are very close and Jemma has a healthy co-parenting relationship with the other home that blesses both kids. Bitterness doesn’t lead us toward love. Grace does.
April 16, 2018
Hit debt with a snowball.
Make a list of all your debts and while making the minimum payment on all of them add a little extra to pay off the smallest debt first. Then, shift money to that next smallest debt. Then keep snowballing until all the debts are paid. Now, in blended families it’s more complicated. Say one spouse has more debt than the other. The snowball is paying off all their debt. That may not feel fair. So, it’s okay to make adjustments to the plan because building trust is your most important investment.
April 13, 2018
When a baby is born parent and child have a deep emotional bond that is stronger than steel. But on day one, what kind of bond do a stepparent and stepchild have?
None of the 30 million stepparents in the U.S. today were born into their parenting role with an automatic emotional bond with their stepchildren. That's grown over time. Since bonding provides the backbone to parenting stepparents have to intentionally build love, respect, and affection for and from their stepchildren. Again, biological parents naturally have that and the authority that comes with it. Stepparents make bonding more likely with patience and trust God to knit your hearts together.
April 12, 2018
When you attack your kids other parent watch out. Your kids may feel attacked, too.
That psychological truth is pretty sobering. Kids inherently know they are partly us so when one parent says, “Your father is late again. He’s so irresponsible.” The child thinks, “Well, sometimes I’m late so I must be irresponsible and I must be a disappointment to my mom.” When kids are living between divorced parents their vulnerability to this dynamic goes up considerably. Proverbs says, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords.” Be careful what you say or you may pierce the innocent.
April 11, 2018
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Featured Offer
Blended & Blessed®
Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.