Living in Two Countries
April 20, 2018
00:00
Did you know that most children of divorce—are citizens of two countries?
Children living between mom’s house and dad’s house may have different chores, family rules, and punishments. I'm amazed how kids can adapt to these different cultures every other weekend. Sometimes they need a little reminder but generally they can adjust especially when both homes do their best to respect the preferences of the other home and don’t make kids feel guilty for how things are done. Stepkids have citizenship in two countries. For your kid’s sake do your part to foster peace.
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You know what’s worth more than silver, or gold, or rubies? According to Proverbs 8, it’s wisdom.
How do you get wisdom? Solomon suggests that the word of God teaches wisdom and brings understanding to life. It puts our feet on the path that brings peace. When we surround ourselves with others who are also walking that same path we benefit from their collective wisdom. All families, stepfamilies included, need the wisdom of scripture and they need to be part of a small group. If you’re not part of a group, search for one on our web page. Get connected and get wisdom.
April 19, 2018
When things look hopeless, seek the Lord continually.
That encouragement came from Sue, a mother who had done that on behalf of her blended family and she saw a dramatic change. Her blended family started with her daughter saying, “I hate you” to her stepdad, but now she says, “When can we get together?” Sue joked, “I think she likes her stepdad more than me now.” How long did it take? It took ten years to get to better. Until then, she prayed Psalm 105:4—“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”
April 18, 2018
“We just had to stay committed to getting through those early years.”
That was Jay's comment and he’s right. One quality of blended families, who do well, is stubborn persistence through those early rough years. His wife, Laurie, shared another. “I quit trying to fix my stepkids,” she said. She was too focused on getting Mom-like respect and love rather than building a strong relationship. Both Jay and Laurie adjusted their expectations and lead their family through. Now, 15 years later, they talk about how much their eight kids love each other.
April 17, 2018
One decision can make all the difference.
Jemma's husband left her and their daughter and married a woman and was expecting a child. Jemma’s pain and bitterness was overwhelming so she planned to take her daughter away from her father. But Jemma’s mother told her to stop and think and respond in grace. She stayed and she’s so glad she did. Today, her daughter and half-sister are very close and Jemma has a healthy co-parenting relationship with the other home that blesses both kids. Bitterness doesn’t lead us toward love. Grace does.
April 16, 2018
Hit debt with a snowball.
Make a list of all your debts and while making the minimum payment on all of them add a little extra to pay off the smallest debt first. Then, shift money to that next smallest debt. Then keep snowballing until all the debts are paid. Now, in blended families it’s more complicated. Say one spouse has more debt than the other. The snowball is paying off all their debt. That may not feel fair. So, it’s okay to make adjustments to the plan because building trust is your most important investment.
April 13, 2018
When a baby is born parent and child have a deep emotional bond that is stronger than steel. But on day one, what kind of bond do a stepparent and stepchild have?
None of the 30 million stepparents in the U.S. today were born into their parenting role with an automatic emotional bond with their stepchildren. That's grown over time. Since bonding provides the backbone to parenting stepparents have to intentionally build love, respect, and affection for and from their stepchildren. Again, biological parents naturally have that and the authority that comes with it. Stepparents make bonding more likely with patience and trust God to knit your hearts together.
April 12, 2018
When you attack your kids other parent watch out. Your kids may feel attacked, too.
That psychological truth is pretty sobering. Kids inherently know they are partly us so when one parent says, “Your father is late again. He’s so irresponsible.” The child thinks, “Well, sometimes I’m late so I must be irresponsible and I must be a disappointment to my mom.” When kids are living between divorced parents their vulnerability to this dynamic goes up considerably. Proverbs says, “The words of the reckless pierce like swords.” Be careful what you say or you may pierce the innocent.
April 11, 2018
One of the ways pride affects your marriage—it blinds you to you.
Couples often battle over who’s to blame for the tension in their marriage. Ironically, both he and she want to close the gap in their relationship but pride is insidious and it drives people to conquer their spouse and blame them. At least it’s not my fault we brag to ourselves. But as is the case with all sin, the momentary satisfaction is fleeting. Afterwards you realize you’re all alone and the victory was self-defeating. Set aside your pride and deal with the person in the mirror.
April 10, 2018
What do you do when your love associations differ?
One way to define what love looks like is by love associations. I created this phrase to describe the qualities or behaviors associated with love. Sometimes they differ. A stepchild may love their stepparent, but not respect their authority like they do a biological parent. A stepparent may love all the children the same, but still find it awkward to hug their stepchild. When love associations collide, you get conflict. Don’t let this defeat you. It takes a while to merge definitions of love.
April 9, 2018
Have you ever gotten tired of waiting on God? I know I have.
The Bible tells us Sarah got tired of waiting for the child God had promised so she gave her maidservant, Hagar to her husband, Abraham, thinking they could have a child that way. All she did was create a stepfamily with a lot of competition, jealousy, and resentment. Being impatient with God and taking control is never a good idea. It usually causes trouble. Me? I hate waiting. But trusting God’s timing means he’s in control and I’m his servant and that's a good thing for both me and my family.
April 6, 2018
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