Misplaced Frustration: Scapegoat 2
June 9, 2020
00:00
Managing our anger starts with not having a scapegoat.
Every time Cassandra’s mom failed to follow through on a commitment, she took it out on her stepmom or stepsiblings. Because her relationship with her mom was fragile she’d do anything but tell her how she felt. How do things get better? Being responsible for our hurt and anger starts with knowing our fears and not giving in to them. In this case, Cassandra needs to tell her mom how much she misses her and then pray she responds. If she doesn’t, hopefully she will let her stepmom help her cry.
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We’ve all done it. We’ve all taken our anger out on someone who didn’t deserve it. But why?
Frustration is not a patient emotion so it tends to erupt. Sometimes it's safer to be frustrated at people who are less valuable to us. But then again, maybe it’s safer to be frustrated with someone who can handle your anger and it won’t go anywhere. The point is this: don’t scapegoat someone else. Don’t take things out on a spouse just because they are standing there or a stepparent just because they are an easy target. Be responsible and talk directly to the person you are frustrated with.
June 8, 2020
When I got married over 30 years ago I was really dumb!
I don’t mean “dumb” as in “stupid;” I mean dumb as in ignorant, naïve of all I would have to learn and the skills I’d need to develop, to be a good husband. I had no idea our “usness” would have a rhythm, a pace, a purpose, and a dance that would also require sacrifices I never knew I would have to give. Not knowing what we’d have to become may have been a gift from God. If we did know, we might not have signed on. But we didn’t and we still don’t. We only have to trust God and be teachable.
June 5, 2020
There’s a shame virus infecting parents and it’s time we address it.
Parents love their kids but they don’t always have the same affection for each child. Shamefully, parents whisper these words to me thinking they are alone, but I hear it regularly. From biological parents who don’t relate well to one of their children or don’t like who their adult child is becoming. From adoptive and stepparents who are still bonding with a child. Feeling differently about kids is normal. Treat them fairly, with kindness, and work at being empathetic. Ask God to grow your love.
June 4, 2020
When it comes to social justice, facing adversity with self-control has the biggest impact.
People like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela insisted on peaceful protests that invited the world to listen. They understood what Proverbs 16 teaches: being slow to anger is better than being mighty and that self-control is powerful. Strength under control carries influence. Are you patient with those who frustrate or mistreat you? Assertively speaking up for what God declares good without using anger as a weapon of choice? If not, make your home a better place by controlling yourself.
June 3, 2020
Want your friends to like who you love? Be careful what you say.
Proverbs 17 in the Bible says, “Whoever covers (or forgives) an offense seeks love. But he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Letting go of something that hurts you is an act of love that restores the relationship. But telling others about the offense can turn them against the one you love; so, keep the matter private. In a stepfamily, a parent should not tell their children negative things about the stepparent. Rather, share reasons why you love the stepparent so they will, too.
June 2, 2020
His kids have a TV in the bedroom and hers don’t. Now they’re a family…so now what?
Two parents in a blended family having two sets of rules and not knowing which to choose is pretty common. The solution? First, get on the same page. You can’t have two standards for kids living in the same home. Second, ask yourself what’s developmentally appropriate and what’s good parenting? In this situation, pediatricians agree that a TV in a kid’s bedroom is not a good idea. Sometimes, common sense makes the parenting choice. But no matter what, always be unified in leading your family.
June 1, 2020
An axe can split a block of wood and a whisper can divide a relationship.
What? An axe uses force to splinter; a whisper doesn’t have any force. Oh, yes it does. Proverbs 16 tells us that a gossip causes close friends to distrust each other just by whispering to one about the other. Gossip has the power to bully a girl at school or break up business partners and in blended families, insiders who gossip about the outsiders can easily keep a family divided forever. Listen, don’t talk about people. Talk to them. Bring together, don’t split apart.
May 29, 2020
So, let me get this straight. I’m expected to raise my stepchildren, provide for them, and pay for college, but I don’t have any legal rights to them?
Yep, you got it. Your life investment in them isn’t protected under the law. But the answer to this dilemma is not legal, it’s relational. You see, love would sacrifice financially and not worry about a “return on investment”; love would commit time and energy to their care even knowing that, should the biological parent die, you could be pushed out of the family picture; and love would lift up God’s law to a child even though man’s law acts like you don’t exist. Cause love never fails.
May 28, 2020
You may have a deep bond with your stepchild, but you can’t give permission for a dental cleaning.
Family law in the U.S. says a child can only have two parents. So, outside of legally adopting a stepchild, stepparents of 15 years have fewer rights than foster parents of a couple of weeks. And, if you want to leave your stepchildren an inheritance, you better have a will because intestacy and probate laws don’t recognize them as valid recipients. What’s the point? When it comes to stepfamilies and the law, don’t make any assumptions.
May 27, 2020
We expect the law to protect the rights of family members. Sometimes, it doesn’t.
Luis called with a lot of distress in his voice. “My wife of 12 years just died and I’m being told that my stepchildren, whom I love dearly, won’t be able to live with me anymore. As far as I’m concerned, I’m their father, but I’ve learned I have no legal rights to them.” It’s true. Family law protects the rights and responsibilities of married couples and biological and adoptive parents, but not stepparents. This is often a big surprise to blended families. Talk about it and plan for it.
May 26, 2020
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.