A Stepparent’s Shame
June 4, 2020
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There’s a shame virus infecting parents and it’s time we address it.
Parents love their kids but they don’t always have the same affection for each child. Shamefully, parents whisper these words to me thinking they are alone, but I hear it regularly. From biological parents who don’t relate well to one of their children or don’t like who their adult child is becoming. From adoptive and stepparents who are still bonding with a child. Feeling differently about kids is normal. Treat them fairly, with kindness, and work at being empathetic. Ask God to grow your love.
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When it comes to social justice, facing adversity with self-control has the biggest impact.
People like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela insisted on peaceful protests that invited the world to listen. They understood what Proverbs 16 teaches: being slow to anger is better than being mighty and that self-control is powerful. Strength under control carries influence. Are you patient with those who frustrate or mistreat you? Assertively speaking up for what God declares good without using anger as a weapon of choice? If not, make your home a better place by controlling yourself.
June 3, 2020
Want your friends to like who you love? Be careful what you say.
Proverbs 17 in the Bible says, “Whoever covers (or forgives) an offense seeks love. But he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Letting go of something that hurts you is an act of love that restores the relationship. But telling others about the offense can turn them against the one you love; so, keep the matter private. In a stepfamily, a parent should not tell their children negative things about the stepparent. Rather, share reasons why you love the stepparent so they will, too.
June 2, 2020
His kids have a TV in the bedroom and hers don’t. Now they’re a family…so now what?
Two parents in a blended family having two sets of rules and not knowing which to choose is pretty common. The solution? First, get on the same page. You can’t have two standards for kids living in the same home. Second, ask yourself what’s developmentally appropriate and what’s good parenting? In this situation, pediatricians agree that a TV in a kid’s bedroom is not a good idea. Sometimes, common sense makes the parenting choice. But no matter what, always be unified in leading your family.
June 1, 2020
An axe can split a block of wood and a whisper can divide a relationship.
What? An axe uses force to splinter; a whisper doesn’t have any force. Oh, yes it does. Proverbs 16 tells us that a gossip causes close friends to distrust each other just by whispering to one about the other. Gossip has the power to bully a girl at school or break up business partners and in blended families, insiders who gossip about the outsiders can easily keep a family divided forever. Listen, don’t talk about people. Talk to them. Bring together, don’t split apart.
May 29, 2020
So, let me get this straight. I’m expected to raise my stepchildren, provide for them, and pay for college, but I don’t have any legal rights to them?
Yep, you got it. Your life investment in them isn’t protected under the law. But the answer to this dilemma is not legal, it’s relational. You see, love would sacrifice financially and not worry about a “return on investment”; love would commit time and energy to their care even knowing that, should the biological parent die, you could be pushed out of the family picture; and love would lift up God’s law to a child even though man’s law acts like you don’t exist. Cause love never fails.
May 28, 2020
You may have a deep bond with your stepchild, but you can’t give permission for a dental cleaning.
Family law in the U.S. says a child can only have two parents. So, outside of legally adopting a stepchild, stepparents of 15 years have fewer rights than foster parents of a couple of weeks. And, if you want to leave your stepchildren an inheritance, you better have a will because intestacy and probate laws don’t recognize them as valid recipients. What’s the point? When it comes to stepfamilies and the law, don’t make any assumptions.
May 27, 2020
We expect the law to protect the rights of family members. Sometimes, it doesn’t.
Luis called with a lot of distress in his voice. “My wife of 12 years just died and I’m being told that my stepchildren, whom I love dearly, won’t be able to live with me anymore. As far as I’m concerned, I’m their father, but I’ve learned I have no legal rights to them.” It’s true. Family law protects the rights and responsibilities of married couples and biological and adoptive parents, but not stepparents. This is often a big surprise to blended families. Talk about it and plan for it.
May 26, 2020
Mom always said there would be days like these.
Days like what? Days when you’re discouraged. Like before marriage we notice the best about the other person and then after we notice the bad and we get discouraged. Maybe it would help to keep a list of positive things—notes to self, if you will. Things that lift your spirit—an encouraging note from a friend, a positive story about your spouse, or reminders about the good times with your stepchildren. Simple reminders that life’s not all that bad and God is still working. Good idea.
May 25, 2020
Sometimes, make-believe tells us a lot about real life.
In the first role-play scenario I ask a mom and dad to enter their house and discover a messy kitchen. The kids had good intentions but left a mess. Then we replay the scenario and I make only one change: a parent and a stepparent enter the house. It’s amazing how different the situation plays out the second time. Instead of being united and asking the kids to clean up, the parents turn on each other. Sound familiar? Blended families, we can teach you why this happens and how to stand together.
May 22, 2020
Have you ever run down the road only to discover, it’s a dead end?
The book of Proverbs in the Bible repeats twice—word for word—this observation. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” There are many dead-end roads. Many blended families begin because someone did what seemed right to them and it destroyed a family. And later on, they picked up the pieces and started another one but what do you do now? Stop running down your own dead-end road. Rest in God’s forgiveness and start walking his path.
May 21, 2020
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