Today on FamilyLife Blended, I’m talking to everyone not in a blended family.
I’ve talked about things stepparents can do to move their stepparent-stepchild relationships in a positive direction. But there’s something the rest of us can do. As it turns out, a strong supportive social network buffers the challenges stepparents and stepchildren face and helps them see each other as family. When an extended family member speaks highly to a stepchild about the stepparent or when someone from church compliments the family and helps them care for one another—that all helps.
July 27, 2018
Who knew conflict, can be a turning point for good?
Turning points are moments that improve stepparent-stepchild relationships. Now, there is nothing instant about this. But when researchers asked adult stepchildren, looking back, how things got better, they discovered that conflict can bring about good. Not the conflict itself, of course, but when a stepparent showed a commitment to work it out—and when apologies were offered and forgiveness sought it carried their relationship forward.
July 26, 2018
Looking back is one way you know what made the difference.
Research has identified a variety of turning points in healthy stepparent-stepchild relationships. One turning point is when the stepparent affirmed the value of the child. Like when they went to bat for them in a social situation—or stood by the child during a challenging time. And for some kids it helped to hear the stepparent claim the child as their own. There’s a catch: stepparents shouldn’t expect the child to claim them as dad or mom, but knowing you’re committed can be a turning point.
July 24, 2018
Time is a commodity that pays significant dividends.
When researchers asked adult stepchildren to look back and describe how things got better with their stepparent one of the things they discovered is that an investment of quality time was a turning point. Spending leisure time together; talking about life made a difference in their relationship. Now here’s the catch: quality time is rare in the early years of a stepfamily because conflict tends to be high. But don’t give up trying because when you find it, it’s a turning point for good.
July 23, 2018
Okay, Ron, I’m the biological dad and I agree that I should make my wife, my kid’s stepmom, a high priority in our home. But does that mean I always have to agree with her?
Parenting team unity is important especially when it comes to setting boundaries and standards for your home. But there are negotiations every family faces that aren’t mountains to die on. Like deciding which TV show to watch. Sometimes it's okay to agree with your kids. What you don’t want is a pattern of ending up at odds with your spouse around things that really matter. If you find yourself repeatedly falling into that hole climb out quick or the jealously and insecurity will just get worse.
July 20, 2018
For stepfamily couples, one of the things that divides their marriage is parenting their kids.
Let’s say the stepparent thinks there needs to be more consequences and the biological parent agrees but wants to go about it differently. The stepparent can feel like an outsider trying to find their place. Parenting in stepfamilies is really complex so I can’t give you one simple answer to every scenario but what I can do is to encourage you to get educated. Read online articles and books, go to seminars, start a ministry in your church—find the answers. You and your kids will be glad you did.
July 19, 2018
So, do you live in a state of “continuous partial attention”?
Parent educator Joshua Straub suggests that being continually distracted by our devices creates a secondhand screen impact on our children. We allow our play, talk, and attention time to be interrupted and our kids suffer for it. The brains of babies might even be wired to expect interruption by this repeated process. So, Dr. Straub suggests you designate certain times to look at your screen and compartmentalize time where no phones are allowed. Aren’t your kids worth your undivided attention?
July 18, 2018
Hey, stepfamily, your family, is an evolving mosaic.
Sometimes I think blended families are too hard on themselves. They forget that all families have seasons that are stressful and ambiguous. The “terrible twos”—need I say more? And teenagers think their parents have lost their ever-loving mind. Then there is that new in-law that you really wish would become an outlaw. And stressors related to aging and caring for parents. Look stepfamily, every iteration of your family mosaic, is family. Appreciate what’s good and keep praying about what’s not.
July 17, 2018
Double-messages just leave you confused.
Have you ever had an employer make you responsible for something, but then take your authority away. It’s confusing. Stepparents get these double-messages a lot early on when their stepchild appreciates them for being a parent, but then gets annoyed with them for being a parent. Yes, give me an allowance, but don’t discipline me. The answer to this confusion is to not second-guess yourself. Act with consistency; build trust over time; and let your spouse handle punishment for a while.
July 16, 2018