Deal With Problems as They Arise (day 3 of 5)
October 23, 2019
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All this week we’ve been talking about reducing the cholesterol in your marriage. Today’s tip: Deal with problems as they arise.
“Hi, I’m Ron, and I’m a natural conflict avoider.” Yes, I know this isn’t a 12-step group but if you’re like me you’d rather avoid conflict than deal with it. My research clearly shows that stepfamily couples who struggle are more likely to avoid their issues which just builds resentment. But healthy couples deal with problems as they arise by taking seriously the process of solving those problems together. All couples have conflict. The question is: is it managing you or are you managing it?
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We all know that high cholesterol is bad for you, right? Well, here is another tip for reducing the cholesterol in your marital heart. Be a really good listener.
Listening is one of the most important and, honestly, one of the most difficult skills of marriage. It's hard to listen beneath your spouse’s words to how they feel and what the statement really means to them. All while not making assumptions or listening through a filter of what it means to you. Good listeners work really hard at understanding their spouse. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Listening will help you love large with your whole heart, cholesterol free.
October 22, 2019
High Cholesterol is bad for your body, right. Well here’s a tip for reducing the cholesterol in your marital heart: Double check your attitude.
Research clearly shows that unhappy couples in blended families are moody, controlling, and stubborn. But vibrant couples are considerate of one another and sacrificial. Each lives and loves on behalf of their “Usness”. Healthy marriages are made in part by two people who are mindful that what they say and do and how they act each day contributes either to a healthy “Usness” or takes away from it. Do you want a healthy blended marriage? Love large with your whole heart, cholesterol free.
October 21, 2019
Learning to be a good parent, in part, means knowing what not to do.
Have you ever felt clueless as a parent? I have. It’s tempting to fall back on criticism, name-calling, yelling, or pleading with the child. Or to be the threatening-repeating parent who says, “You better not, or else…”, but it's just empty threats. These strategies get the job done but long term, they defeat your child’s spirit and ruin your authority as a parent--especially as a stepparent. Take time to learn about good parenting and stepparenting. The next generation is depending on you.
October 18, 2019
Kids in stepfamilies go through a lot. Which is one reason their parent can become overprotective.
A stepdad I know said, “My wife is so protective of her kids. She blocks me from asking them to do things and goes behind my back.” When your child has been through a lot you want to protect them. But when you continually guide, guard, and direct the stepparent or defend your kids at all costs, you cause a new set of problems and ironically, hurt your kids. When you treat them as fragile you keep them fragile. If you really want to help your kids, be their parent, not their overprotector.
October 17, 2019
Our God is a God of reconciliation. And any time we can reconcile a relationship, it’s a good thing.
Sometimes the tragic journey through the death of a parent or divorce, into a single parent home, and then into a stepfamily home can push a child and their parent far apart. Later if they try to heal their relationship it actually might be the stepparent who is the most hesitant to see them reconnect. Stepparents, you have many good reasons to be cautious but reconciliation is a good thing for all involved. Just remember, Christ is in the reconciliation business and as his disciples so are we.
October 16, 2019
Alright kids, stop listening. I’m going to tell your parents how to get you to stop arguing.
Arguing is an act of cooperation. A parent who can’t get their child to stop arguing is a parent who is arguing with their child. Come on. Be the parent. Stop entertaining the argument by listening to it. Yes, kids need to know the reason for your rule or decision—the values behind your rules are what you want to move them toward, right? But once an explanation has been given, stop standing there and empowering them to argue with you. Just turn and walk away.
October 15, 2019
When it comes to supporting couples in stepfamilies, everyone can play a part.
Encouragement is important. Help value the couple’s relationship and honor their vows. Kids: treat your parent’s marriage with respect and find a place for it in your heart. Even if you’re conflicted about it at times, treat them the way you would want to be treated. Church: serve stepcouples by providing practical premarital counseling and stepfamily education after the wedding. And couples: serve your own marriage and children by praying together frequently for wisdom to live up to your vows.
October 14, 2019
In the Bible, Hebrews 12 says that for the joy set before Him, Jesus “endured the cross.” Really? Was there joy in enduring the cross?
I doubt that it was in the physical suffering of the cross but rather in what Jesus knew was beyond it. Jesus knew there was great purpose resulting from the cross; reconciling man to God. That brought joy, a peace, and a perspective that transcended his circumstances. You may be facing some tough circumstances—financial stress or a frustrating family relationship—but if your heart is guided by love and righteousness, try to look past the immediate struggle for the joy that will come one day.
October 11, 2019
Parents today use too many words. It’s time we talk less, and act more.
We parents have this misguided idea that if we talk long enough, our children will agree with us and obey us with joy and gladness in their hearts. Ah, no. Of course kids are going to ask why they can’t do something and because teaching is an important part of parenting you should give them an answer…once. After that, it’s time to stop talking, turn, walk away, and follow through. After a few times, you’re going to make a believer out of them. Stop talking. Start doing.
October 10, 2019
I know this couple who really get on each other’s nerves. You can blame their parents for that.
When she wants closeness and connection she tosses him a hint and hopes he’ll figure it out. And he just hears criticism. You can blame their families of origin for that. In her family, no one ever made a direct request for closeness. That felt too vulnerable and in his family indirect communication was how you let someone know they weren’t pulling their weight. Okay, I know this couple who is learning to forgive. Be patient with one another’s insecurities and speak more plainly about needs.
October 9, 2019
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