Dating: Push of Pain, Pull of Loneliness
March 30, 2017
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After a break up or lost relationship, I think you’re ready to date again…when you don’t need to date again.
When pain pushes you toward a new relationship or when loneliness pulls you towards one, in my experience, you’re in trouble. Neither of those emotions helps you be objective about the quality of a new relationship…or its impact on children. Trust in God as your provider and partner. Take time to heal. When you can be content you’ll be in a much better place to make good choices about new love.
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Has anyone ever said to you, “You know, I’m just getting to know you, but I really appreciate you. I’d like to get to know you a little bit better”?
A few times in my life, I’ve had someone essentially say those very words to me. It makes me feel kind of good inside and it encourages connection. Foster parents and stepparents can express this same sentiment to a child. Kids, just like adults, like hearing that they are valued. And feeling appreciated? That opens their heart to you. Now be prepared. Kids may not be instantly open toward you. But that’s okay. One of you has to step out in courage and build a bridge; it might as well be you.
March 29, 2017
The two-step is not just a dance in Texas.
In any home the marriage relationship is by far the most important earthly relationship. Yet, in blended families, it’s often the most vulnerable. So, one key step for stepfamilies is to two-step, your marriage, that is. Making the new marriage a relational priority is critical to family success. So, the marital two-step is about building strength and harmony and letting everyone know the marriage is unbreakable and that the couple is going to lead this home together.
March 28, 2017
Lying and hiding the truth just means you have to live in fear.
Imagine his surprise. He thought he was her fifth husband, but two years into their marriage, he found out he was her ninth. She lied because she was afraid he wouldn’t marry her if he knew. The issue is trustworthiness. Lying about your past creates an artificial foundation for your relationship that will feel fragile, not stable. Being honest may cost you something. Sometimes it’s difficult but better in the long-run to have a relationship built on truth than on quick sand. What good is that?
March 27, 2017
A flip-flop is not always something you wear on your feet. Sometimes, it’s what comes out of your mouth.
A verbal flip-flop is when you take a soft feeling and replace it with a hard, negative one. In a blended family imagine a stepparent who is concerned that a stepchild is not learning responsibility. Instead of expressing that concern calmly, they flip-flop out criticism. The skill to learn is to lead with compassion. Something like, “Because I care for your son let’s talk about teaching him responsibility.” The Proverbs say, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
March 24, 2017
A stepdad can be a powerful influence in the life of a child. But not if he isn’t trusted.
Fathers are very influential. They teach respect for rules, independent thinking, and their love fosters self confidence in kids. A stepfather can have this same influence but they will never get the chance if early on they’re demanding or inconsiderate because the child will pull away and stay away. What can you do? Earn the right to lead a child by being trustworthy and treat their mother with respect and kindness. Represent God’s love and become a powerful influence in their life.
March 23, 2017
Ok, stepfamilies. It’s time to step down…your expectations, I mean.
“Why won’t my son ask his stepfather for help with his math?” one mom asked me. This mom wanted her son to feel comfortable with Tim, so she kept pressuring them to get along. But pressure often backfires. One key step for stepfamilies is to step down your expectations. No, you don't give up. Just realize that family integration takes years and pressure doesn’t help. Accept and appreciate relationships as they are today makes for a more relaxed home which, ironically, helps people become family.
March 22, 2017
From your kids—wouldn’t you appreciate a little gratitude!
So, I was getting some maintenance done of the car my son drives. When I asked him to come and pick me up I got attitude. Apparently I disrupted his Saturday morning sleep. Well I got up at 6:15 in order to get the car fixed and I never got a thank you for the money I spent. Then I thought: I wonder if God has the same problem with me? I have a good job that puts food on the table for my family and yet sometimes I still complain. Ouch. Yes, all children need to learn gratitude and to be content.
March 21, 2017
In some ways discipleship is simply taking off and putting on.
We’re talking about virtues to put on; one of them is forgiveness. What do you have to take off to put forgiveness on? For starters, the idea that forgiveness is condoning or excusing an offense; it’s not. It’s not forgetting the offense either. To forgive you also have to take off the idea that justice will be lost or you’ll be weak. No, forgiveness empowers. The person still might have a debt to pay to society but you are releasing their debt to you. Just as God, in Christ, has forgiven yours.
March 20, 2017
Okay, I’m talking to the kids today. Have you ever noticed that sometimes when we’re sad on the inside, we act grumpy on the outside?
Eighteen-year-old Rachel's mother and brother were telling her how hard it was to get along with her lately. Her mom had started dating a guy and it made her miss her father who had died. But instead of being sad and sharing her grief with her family, she got grumpy and cranky. When your heart hurts the best way to deal with it is to actually be sad. Being grouchy just creates more problems. So, talk with someone you trust about your sadness. Give your heart a chance to find comfort.
March 17, 2017
Now here’s a funny one: sometimes, when we’re feeling insecure in our marriage, we yell at our spouse so they’ll come closer. Yeah, right!
Getting negative when we just want to be held—it’s human nature. We’re kind of like my dog that barks at people and greets them with their teeth showing. I know all she wants is to be picked up and held, but they think she’s attacking. Put your teeth away and stop barking. Calm yourself and present your need in a way that it can be received. Something like, “I’ve been feeling a little disconnected lately. Any chance we can spend some time together?” Go on, give it a try, and see what happens.
March 16, 2017
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