The Blessing Is Our Job
February 6, 2020
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We love our kids. But we don’t always like them.
In his book, The Blessing, Dr. John Trent says it’s our job to be a blessing to others. Well, how do you give a blessing when you’re afraid it will condone a child’s misbehavior? Consider the alternative: not sharing how much you value your child is never going to encourage them to make different choices. They have to know they are loved even when you set a boundary or disapprove of their behavior. Especially when you disapprove of their behavior! Love and boundaries are best served together.
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Now there’s no war zone. Not even a cold war!
In our book Building Love Together in Blended Families, Dr. Gary Chapman and I encourage couples to be determined in building love in their home because it won’t happen overnight. One man said: “Initially we had communication problems, conflict with an ex-spouse, and conflict with my children who refused to ‘blend’ our families. But God did it!” If you’re facing a few challenges today, you’re not alone. Be determined to love—and love with wisdom. It makes all the difference.
February 5, 2020
Can you turn to your church for help?
We asked blended families what their biggest challenge is. The answers were all over the place. Grief and sadness. Jealousy. Conflict with former spouses. Bonding issues. On and on they went. Here’s the takeaway: Despite having resources to address these issues and offering training to the local church, we estimate that only one-half of one percent of churches do anything to help blended families. Forty percent of families today are unsupported by the Christian community. What about your church?
February 4, 2020
Ron, I really want to get married again someday, but before I do, I want to learn as much as I can so I don’t repeat the past.
Maybe you, like this person, grew up in a blended family and, as she said, “Lived through all the wrong ways to do blended." We all carry a little residue from our family of origin. We can’t help but come out with a little bit no matter what kind of family it was. This woman wants to learn from it…to learn about healthy stepfamily living so her kids have it better than she did. Learn from your past, and by God’s grace, change the future.
February 3, 2020
Never let your parenting be held hostage.
Single parents and stepfamily parents know that their parenting is affected by how the other home parents. If they say, “Yes” to something you said, “No” to, you start rethinking your decisions. The fear of what an ex might do can paralyze you. Pray for courage to press in despite what the other home is doing. Keep your balance and practice good parenting. Trust that providing consistent boundaries and love over time will make all the difference.
January 31, 2020
Are you standing up…for the kid right next to you?
We’ll fly around the world to aid children suffering from war or poverty, but we'll do nothing when it’s a kid across the street. Rarely will Christians speak up for someone else’s child caught in ongoing battles between their homes. We don’t want to “get into their business” but we should do something. Respectfully, but assertively ask a parent who bad-mouths the other home and puts their child in the middle as a spy to stop. If it’s about a child, it’s not just “their business,” it’s ours.
January 30, 2020
If you’re a single parent or dating one, here’s a dating myth to avoid.
A new marriage does not restore the original family, it forms a different family. It doesn’t give back to your kids a missing parent; it gives them a “stepparent” and a parenting team that is very different than the biological family system they were born into. Don’t get me wrong, a stepfamily may work well for your kids but don’t decide to marry based on a myth. Blended families are not “repaired” first families; they are different families with their own dynamics, challenges, and rewards.
January 29, 2020
I’m wondering, should you pray for God to change your spouse?
If you’re married, you’ve probably prayed that prayer at least once. But how do we know if that’s appropriate or just shifting blame? Well, if your spouse is involved in sinful behavior pray for them to repent. And if they are abusive don’t tolerate it, get to safety, and pray they are convicted to change. But if it’s just a matter of preference, well, pray for your heart to change more times than you pray for them to change.
January 28, 2020
Hey Ron, can stepparents discipline their stepchildren?
Periodically I get that question because someone heard a TV talk show host say that stepparents should not discipline, that only the biological parents should do that. To be candid, that’s poor advice. What if foster parents or adoptive parents did that? It’d be utter chaos. Now, stepparents should not act independently of the biological parent, work with them. And as long as you enforce the rules you have agreed to, you can discipline your stepchildren.
January 27, 2020
I feel like the church’s dirty little problem.
John explained that after his divorce he didn’t think he could go back to church and now that he is part of a stepfamily he feels like a second class Christian. John may need to seek forgiveness but if it is his church making him feel second class something’s wrong. There are no second class Christians because there are no first class Christians. Just sinners in need of a cross. If you sometimes feel less than fall into the grace of God and seek his forgiveness just like everybody else.
January 24, 2020
When it comes to bonding with a stepchild their age matters.
Children under the age of five tend to welcome new family members whereas children between the ages of 10-15 have the most difficult time bonding with stepparents. And, the adult stepchild is not looking for another parent figure but they are trying to figure out your place in the family. So if you are a stepparent find a relationship that works for both you and the child. Today that is. And trust that the door will open to something more tomorrow.
January 23, 2020
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