Stuff Everyone Can Do
April 29, 2019
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Here are some ministry tips for pastors and everyone else.
Family Pastor and stepdad Dave Bondeson shared with me some ideas to help blended families that everyone can do. He said, “First pay attention to your language.” When you’re writing an email to a group of parents be more inclusive. Instead of starting with “Hey Moms and Dads” say, "Parents and Stepparents.” And second, encourage kids and parents to be more inclusive of each other. When you encourage togetherness, you help build a family.
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Parents need to get off the teeter-totter.
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person’s position led you to take a polar opposite position? Normally you wouldn’t take that position, but because they do, you do. This is a trap for some parents. One is strict so the other becomes permissive. When one goes down on the teeter-totter, the other goes up. Well, if a parent and a stepparent don’t get off the teeter-totter, the family suffers. Stop trying to counter balance the other, move toward the middle, and find balance.
April 26, 2019
Did your mom ever tell you to “Act your best”?
You were just in the worst mood towards a loved one but now you have a smile on your face and kindness in your heart. What is that? Maybe we do that because we want to make a good first impression or we trust that our family is not going to go anywhere. But permanence is not an excuse for bad behavior. You know how you treated your waiter or waitress at lunch? Be kind to your spouse like that. And be patient with kids and co-workers alike. Act your best, especially with those you love the most.
April 25, 2019
How do you let stepchildren know you’re not trying to take their parent’s place?
The answer to this question is important because a child who thinks you’re trying to take their parent’s place will likely work hard to prevent you from doing so. So, just tell them and tell the biological parent, too. A stepmom might say to the Mom: “I want you to know, that I know, you’re the mom, not me. My job is to bless your kids, not get in the way.” Doing this lowers the child’s and the parent’s sense of threat and their need to oppose the stepparent. It invites cooperation.
April 24, 2019
Grandparents can set the tone for a lot in a family.
Wanda’s parents divorced when she was young which brought many stepsiblings and stepparents in and out of her life. But instead of her family fracturing into a war zone, her grandparents and stepgrandparents insisted everyone get along and that all children be accepted. They set a tone for love and inclusion that rippled positive attitudes throughout multiple homes. We can all learn from Wanda’s grandparents: an assertive, but grace-filled heart can bring healing love to a challenging situation.
April 23, 2019
My sacrifice might be our joy.
In Luke 8 Jesus casts a legion of demons out of a man into some farmer’s pigs. Have you ever thought what it cost that farmer? He starts the day rich, but ends it with 2000 dead demon-possessed pigs drowned in a lake. Marriage is a bit like this. There are many unexpected sacrifices Jesus demands of us: putting up with your spouse’s annoying personality quirks; changing how I communicate to live peaceably with them and on and on. But my unexpected cost is a joy to our “usness.” Together, we win.
April 22, 2019
Have you ever faced a great trial in your life…with joy?
There was a day when my wife and I were told by doctors that our 12-year-old son was about to die. I can assure you I did not face that moment with joy. The writer of Hebrews in the Bible says to look to Jesus, “the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross…” Where was the joy in enduring the cross? On this Good Friday, let’s remember that Jesus looked past his suffering to the day when he would be glorified at his Father’s side. Worship and praise him.
April 19, 2019
Ron, what do we do? My kids are confusing my husband.
We all have different roles and each role tends to have a label. Suzanne’s kids were confusing her husband. The youngest calls him Dad; the middle will only call him by his first name; and the oldest calls him, “Hey, you.” Since terms tend to reflect emotional bonds and loyalty conflicts in children, mom and stepdad should learn to be okay with different labels. As long as the terms are respectful, go with it. Focus on being Christ-like. The labels will change, but the relationship will endure.
April 18, 2019
There’s hope for today’s family.
At a Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, an event for pastors and lay leaders, I heard stories that included reward and struggle. Struggles to merge family members, to protect a marriage, and given the prevalence of complex families, to get church leaders on board with the need for blended family ministry. Nontraditional is the new traditional. And yet, each story was infused with hope in a God who loves and redeems. Hope in the power of church community and the Holy Spirit to sustain and guide.
April 17, 2019
So, where is your faith?
When a storm overtook the disciples’ boat in Luke 8, they cried out in fear. Jesus calmed the storm but then he challenged them: “Where is your faith?” Ok, let’s own it. Faith when you’re safe at harbor is easier than faith in the midst of the storm. And yet, we’re called to look past our circumstances and trust the Savior. That’s not easy. I often lose perspective and panic. But I am encouraged that the One who calmed the raging waves with a word, can be trusted with what I can’t control.
April 16, 2019
How many pots of money do you have?
I know you don’t have pots of money but you do have a bank account and a budget. Couples in first marriages generally have one pot of money. But couples in stepfamilies have a variety of money systems. They might have one joint account. Or they might have two that represents the assets and obligations of each partner. Other couples have three pots: a his, hers, and ours. What matters is you agree to the system and you base it on God’s values about spending, saving, and providing for your kids.
April 15, 2019
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