Repeating the Patterns of the Past
May 8, 2017
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Are you blindly repeating the patterns of the past?
As I get older I’m more aware of the patterns in my family and how deep they are in me. We say we become more like our parents as we age but maybe we become more aware we’ve always been like our parents. By the way, your spouse and friends have tried to tell you that but you didn’t have ears to hear. Whether it’s a generational family pattern or a behavior you’ve carried from relationship to relationship, stop focusing on and blaming others. Look in the mirror and decide, keep it or change it.
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Understanding is great but it shouldn’t be the center of your life story.
It’s graduation season. If you were giving the speech, what would you say? Many graduation speeches by famous people have pointed students back to themselves. Tim Cook, CEO of Apple said, “Trust your intuition, and then work with everything you have to prove it right.” I wouldn’t point my graduating son, Brennan, back to himself. I’d let Solomon speak: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
May 5, 2017
Mother’s Day is just around the corner and moms everywhere are looking forward to it, right? Well, some stepmoms are dreading it.
Some stepmoms are celebrated on Mother’s Day but others receive awkward silence. In her book, The Smart Stepmom, Laura Petherbridge writes, “My stepsons call and wish me ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ but we both know I’m not their mom.” Even still, Laura and other stepmoms want to be acknowledged for how they love their family. But how do kids do that and not feel disloyal to their biological mom? Yeah, it’s sticky alright and uncomfortable. This Mother’s Day, the stepmom in your world needs a hug.
May 4, 2017
Are you becoming the spouse you need to be?
Gail wrote expressing appreciation for our training and then she said, “Clearly, divorce is not part of God’s design for marriage, but when you have divorced and are remarried, that’s all the more reason to make sure you now become the spouse you need to be.” Gail doesn’t want to repeat the past so she moved herself towards being the spouse she needs to be. Not what others are called to be, but specifically who and what she needs to be in her marriage, for her husband, in this blended family.
May 3, 2017
Did we just make our kids part of a blended family?
Widowed after 40 years of marriage, Jerry married a woman who had been widowed and it dawned on him. “Did we just make our adult children part of a blended family?” Yep, you did. And their spouses and the grandkids. But your adult children may not consider themselves part of a stepfamily. That's common but know that you are a generational blended family. Don’t fight over this; just know it touches every relationship. The more you know about healthy stepfamily living, the stronger you become.
May 2, 2017
What if I told you that couples in blended families have a particular vulnerability that couples in first marriages don’t have. Would you want to know what it is?
Stepfamilies have an Achilles heel that undercuts their ability to love and trust. For someone who has been through one divorce, the fear of another or worrying about your spouse’s commitment predicts with 93% accuracy whether you have a strong, stable marriage or a fragile, unhappy one. Proverbs 6 says jealousy arouses a spouse’s anger when fear and worry have their way. If you’re in a blended family, find ways to cast out fear or it may sabotage trust and steal your ability to serve your mate.
May 1, 2017
Hey Ron, should we have a baby?
I know that’s a strange question but, honestly, once people find out I work with stepfamilies, couples do ask. What they are saying is, “We’re a blended family and we wonder if having another child will help or hurt our family.” My answer: “I have no idea” and then I add, “But I bet you do.” Adding a child to a stepfamily generally helps strong stepfamilies get stronger and weak stepfamilies get weaker. Having a child is a huge decision. Bathe it in prayer and, ultimately, follow God’s lead.
April 28, 2017
Are you ready for the extended summer sleepover?
Many single parents and blended families have summer visitation schedules to prepare for. No matter whether you’re the kid or the adult, or whether you have children coming or going or both, there are bound to be some strong emotions on the horizon. Whatever the range of emotions, it’s important to celebrate or comfort one another. Oh, and find a good attitude about the summer schedule. It may not be exactly what you want but you can make it work.
April 27, 2017
So, if both parents die who gets your kids?
If you have minor children you need to answer that question. One dad wasn’t sure what to do. His wife had died and now he was getting married. So, if he dies, should the stepmother be their guardian or those he and his first wife designated long ago? Who will the child trust and who is best positioned to lead them? In the beginning of a blended family that’s likely not their stepparent but could become so in time. Don't base your decision on a dream but what’s real and happening in your home.
April 26, 2017
Be careful. Don’t turn a stepfamily problem into “Us vs. You.”
Maria and her young adult children had many complaints about her husband. Clearly she needed to ask him to help find solutions, but I warned her not to use language like “you” and “we” or the gap between him and her kids would widen and she would be tempted to side with them. I said, “Emphasize you want to strengthen your marriage and you need his help to make things better for the family.” Don’t pit people against each other; lead with your desire for closeness so you tackle problems together.
April 25, 2017
When strong ocean winds blow, you need an anchor.
Often at a blended family wedding you watch the winds of confusion blow. Tension in stepfamily relationships makes people anxious all while putting on a smile for the bride and groom. The groom’s side is not sure what to do with the bride’s side and the wedding coordinator struggles with which labels to use. But if you look you can see it. The bride and groom and the vows that tie them together, become an anchor in the storm. Anchored to God, they in turn are an anchor for their extended family.
April 24, 2017
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