Are the Kids Part of a Blended Family?
May 2, 2017
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Did we just make our kids part of a blended family?
Widowed after 40 years of marriage, Jerry married a woman who had been widowed and it dawned on him. “Did we just make our adult children part of a blended family?” Yep, you did. And their spouses and the grandkids. But your adult children may not consider themselves part of a stepfamily. That's common but know that you are a generational blended family. Don’t fight over this; just know it touches every relationship. The more you know about healthy stepfamily living, the stronger you become.
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What if I told you that couples in blended families have a particular vulnerability that couples in first marriages don’t have. Would you want to know what it is?
Stepfamilies have an Achilles heel that undercuts their ability to love and trust. For someone who has been through one divorce, the fear of another or worrying about your spouse’s commitment predicts with 93% accuracy whether you have a strong, stable marriage or a fragile, unhappy one. Proverbs 6 says jealousy arouses a spouse’s anger when fear and worry have their way. If you’re in a blended family, find ways to cast out fear or it may sabotage trust and steal your ability to serve your mate.
May 1, 2017
Hey Ron, should we have a baby?
I know that’s a strange question but, honestly, once people find out I work with stepfamilies, couples do ask. What they are saying is, “We’re a blended family and we wonder if having another child will help or hurt our family.” My answer: “I have no idea” and then I add, “But I bet you do.” Adding a child to a stepfamily generally helps strong stepfamilies get stronger and weak stepfamilies get weaker. Having a child is a huge decision. Bathe it in prayer and, ultimately, follow God’s lead.
April 28, 2017
Are you ready for the extended summer sleepover?
Many single parents and blended families have summer visitation schedules to prepare for. No matter whether you’re the kid or the adult, or whether you have children coming or going or both, there are bound to be some strong emotions on the horizon. Whatever the range of emotions, it’s important to celebrate or comfort one another. Oh, and find a good attitude about the summer schedule. It may not be exactly what you want but you can make it work.
April 27, 2017
So, if both parents die who gets your kids?
If you have minor children you need to answer that question. One dad wasn’t sure what to do. His wife had died and now he was getting married. So, if he dies, should the stepmother be their guardian or those he and his first wife designated long ago? Who will the child trust and who is best positioned to lead them? In the beginning of a blended family that’s likely not their stepparent but could become so in time. Don't base your decision on a dream but what’s real and happening in your home.
April 26, 2017
Be careful. Don’t turn a stepfamily problem into “Us vs. You.”
Maria and her young adult children had many complaints about her husband. Clearly she needed to ask him to help find solutions, but I warned her not to use language like “you” and “we” or the gap between him and her kids would widen and she would be tempted to side with them. I said, “Emphasize you want to strengthen your marriage and you need his help to make things better for the family.” Don’t pit people against each other; lead with your desire for closeness so you tackle problems together.
April 25, 2017
When strong ocean winds blow, you need an anchor.
Often at a blended family wedding you watch the winds of confusion blow. Tension in stepfamily relationships makes people anxious all while putting on a smile for the bride and groom. The groom’s side is not sure what to do with the bride’s side and the wedding coordinator struggles with which labels to use. But if you look you can see it. The bride and groom and the vows that tie them together, become an anchor in the storm. Anchored to God, they in turn are an anchor for their extended family.
April 24, 2017
Sharing special occasions for the first time with someone we love is a part of what makes them special. But what if your first, is their second?
Michelle was jealous that her first child would be her husband’s third. “Every little thing is so special to me, but it’s old hat for him. I feel like we’re in two different places and I’m never first—I’m always going to be second.” It’s true her husband will react differently to things he’s already experienced, but that doesn’t mean Michelle is second place in his heart. Don’t let your fears tell you how important you are. Listen to the choices of your spouse. The proof is in the pudding.
April 21, 2017
There’s an old African proverb that says, “When two elephants fight, it’s the grass that suffers.”
Conflicts that are managed well generally are a good thing. They resolve a problem and we move on. But when elephants fight for territory or dominance, something innocent is bound to get caught in the cross-fire. In divided families, children have to move between homes but when their parents battle it’s the kids who get trampled. If your children move between homes give a lot of consideration to how your interaction impacts them. Show consideration to the other home so the grass can grow.
April 20, 2017
Ok, folks, let’s be careful with our words.
Someone might call a divorced family a broken family. How would you feel if I called you broken? If you mean fractured, yes, it’s no longer intact. But when we say broken what's heard is, “less than” which communicates condemnation and unworthiness. Are we implying divorced people and their kids can’t be whole? We don’t call widowed families broken. Let's use less pejorative terms like “divorced family” or “single parent family” and reserve the term broken for ourselves as we kneel at the cross.
April 19, 2017
I got a question: How long did the father wait for the prodigal son to return?
It’s a trick question really. Answer: He waited as long as it took. I give stepparents who are trying to connect with a child who has their back turned towards them a similar answer. One stepdad told me about his 12 year-old stepdaughter: “I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me—so I just gave up.” I asked him, how long he waited. "Three months," he said. Ah, dude. You were on the right track, but the answer is as long as it takes. As long as it takes.
April 18, 2017
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