Disconnected Dad
December 23, 2019
00:00
We all have a God-shaped hole in our heart. And a dad-shaped hole.
When a dad fills that special place in a child’s heart with love and guidance it feels great. But when a dad is missing there’s a gap. It's easy to label him a deadbeat dad but I’ve met a lot of dads who are disconnected because their ex is blocking them or because of physical distance. And sometimes the non-custodial dad thinks it’s easier on his kids if he stays away. Well, it’s not. Hey dad, you're needed and you can do this. There’s a hole in your child’s heart waiting for you to fill.
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Do you know what goes well together? Grandparents and Christmas!
Christmas is a natural time to connect the generations. Sometimes stepfamilies are still trying to figure that out. Some stepgrandparents fall into that role because someone else decided to get married. The bonding process between the generations is dependent upon the motivation of all the people. The stepgrandparent, the adult child, and the stepgrandchild. This Christmas take advantage of your opportunities. Talk. Share. Play games. There are memories to be made and a Savior to share.
December 20, 2019
Is your family walking the path of righteousness?
Proverbs 12:28 says, “In the path of righteousness there’s life.” Part of maturing as a disciple is recognizing God’s path doesn’t ruin our fun. It creates a context for healthy living and relationships, both with him and others. When parents and stepparents trust that with all their heart, they'll encourage their children to walk the righteous path. They’ll have expectations that honor truth, set boundaries to help kids walk the road, and gently discipline them to invite them back on the path.
December 19, 2019
So what’s your level of love?
French abbot Bernard of Clairvaux said there are four levels of love. First, the lowest level is to love myself solely. (That’s not love. That’s being self-absorbed.) Second, to love you for my sake. (That’s using people.) Third, to love you for your sake. (That’s more like it. Selflessness.) But the highest level of love, he said, is to love myself for your sake. Didn’t Jesus say to love your neighbor as yourself? Knowing you’re valuable so you can give yourself away sounds like Jesus to me.
December 18, 2019
Parenting a troubled child always begins with managing ourselves first.
If your child is sad, angry, or depressed you feel something, too. If you’re aggravated your response will likely be dismissive or sharp. If you’re worried you may try to fix them. Both of these responses are self-serving. Start by noticing your emotions. Then listen to your child and hear beneath their words. Sadness in a child says something is missing. Anger says “I’m hurt or frustrated;” and feeling alone reflects a desire to belong. Help your child with that and then you’re really helping.
December 17, 2019
When our kids are troubled, it troubles us.
Kids are bothered about lots of things and it's all very real for them. And parents are tempted to minimize their troubled emotions. “I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” “Don’t worry about missing the ball; it’s just a game.” Think about what’s happening here. We’re trying to talk our child out of feeling bad. Does that work with you? So here’s what you do. Calm yourself as you listen, so you can calm them. Acknowledge their concerns. Then pray and hug them to show how concerned you really are.
December 16, 2019
When someone you care about becomes unavailable to you, what do you do?
Most of us find a way to voice our hurt. We get angry or critical or pursue more attention. When a stepfamily forms kids often lose connection with their parent who is understandably invested in a new marriage. So, parents, maintain touch points with little rituals that communicate love and closeness like a special look or phrase you share. Or a bedtime story or activity that keeps you connected. When you can’t be together physically make use of technology—video chat, texting, or a phone call.
December 13, 2019
When someone is beating you down, how do you stand up?
At some point nearly all of us have to work with, live with, or live in connection with someone who is critical or condescending. Have you ever noticed that self-esteem is fragile and fleeting? I think God-esteem is much better. It says I am somebody, not because of my accomplishments, but because of what God is accomplishing in me. Through Jesus I am bought, loved, forgiven, and accepted—a child of the King. Now, that is a bottomless well of worthiness I can draw from so I can love others.
December 12, 2019
Do you have a plan for your work day or future goals? How about a parenting plan?
Here are some more stepparent do’s and don’ts. Do make sure the biological parent has your back. Without that your authority is going to fall flat. And when you have a disagreement, and you will, settle it in private. Don’t unilaterally change rules. Get together with the biological parent and make the changes together. And, finally do communicate with the biological parent. In fact, over communicate and if you’re uncertain about something talk about it together before giving the kids an answer.
December 11, 2019
Less than half of engaged couples with kids discuss how they’re going to parent those kids after the wedding. Hey, that’s not a good idea.
It's vital to have a plan so here are practical do’s and don’ts for stepparents. Do strive for unity in your parenting with the biological parent. Discuss your values, expectations, the boundaries you want to set, and the consequences you’ll implement if the rules are broken. Don’t be harsh or punish in a way that the biological parent wouldn’t. And, do deepen your relationship with the children no matter their age. Relationship adds to your leadership and influence in the family.
December 10, 2019
Here’s a holiday inspired tip for parents and stepparents: when you make Christmas cookies this year, remember, there’s no cookie cutter kids.
Our family enjoys making Christmas cookies. Each cookie cutter makes cookies that all look alike. My wife pointed out to me one day that our three boys are not alike in their preferences, natural strengths, or temperament. So we shouldn’t expect to parent them the same. No, our jobs as parents is to discover their God-given uniqueness, celebrate it, and fan it into flame with everything we’ve got. Yeah, when it comes to kids—Throw away the cookie cutters for each has its own unique shape.
December 9, 2019
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Blended & Blessed® is the only one-day live event and livestream just for stepfamily couples, dating couples with kids, and those who care about blended families. Join sites around the globe on April 27th, 2024 as we unpack strategies that are crucial to building unity in your stepfamily. With some of today’s most trusted and respected experts, Blended & Blessed will challenge, inspire, and encourage you.