A Line in the Sand
February 4, 2021
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Here’s a dilemma: How do you find permanence in a relationship without making a permanent commitment? You know what a wedding is, right? It’s the day a man and a woman draw a line in the sand and step over it together. I’ve heard some people argue that living with someone is essentially the same thing. Then I say, “Oh, so it won’t matter is you go ahead and get married then.” To which they start backpedaling pretty fast. People intuitively know that marriage is different. Paper may not make a difference, but commitment does. Do you want permanence? Choose permanence.
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Family meetings. It might be worth trying. Some of you have already benefitted from my article on family meetings. This testimony from a stepdad explains why they can be so much more than just a meeting. “We started family meetings by necessity,” he told me. “We kept running into walls with the kids so we decided to get together and talk about it. At first the meetings were all problem centered. But then we realized we could get proactive. Now, looking back it did more than solve problems. We figured out how to be a family.”
February 3, 2021
Stepparents, don’t just aim for love, earn their trust. To have healthy relationships it really takes love and trust. One without the other doesn’t make for a solid relationship. Now, especially for adopted children, foster children, and stepchildren trust opens the door to love. Build trust by being emotionally and physically safe to be around; by showing them that you are committed and you’ll never leave them; and by loving them on their worst day. And be trustworthy. Be a person they can trust and you’ll be a person they can love.
February 2, 2021
What do you see, when you look at yourself, through heaven’s eyes? The words of Titus 3 tell us that God saved us by His mercy, so that by His grace we might become His heirs. Did you hear that? Despite our sinfulness we have been reborn and made new in Jesus Christ. We are now heirs of the King. You have a new identity. An heir of God, a person of surpassing value with a worth that doesn’t have to be earned and can’t be taken away. Now, share that worth with the person next to you in the form of love, so they, too, can see their worth through heaven’s eyes.
February 1, 2021
What do you do when one group of kids leaves out the other?
Ron, in our stepfamily we all get along great at the holidays, but even after three years my husband's adult children often leave my kids out. Should I be concerned? Well, since they all get along to some degree, I wouldn’t worry too much that the biological siblings compartmentalize some of their time. That’s okay. Don’t try to force togetherness. If your kids want to be included more, let them ask. It’s better that you get out of the way and the siblings figure this out on their own.
January 29, 2021
I know you really don’t want to, but we need to talk about porn.
Porn is everywhere. First exposure for many kids is age four. Around 65 percent of young adult men use it weekly; one third of web users are women; and teens and young adults are twice as likely to rank not recycling as more immoral than viewing porn. This affects all of us and research shows the spiritual, relational, emotional, intellectual, social, even neurological effects on users and those around them. So, put an arm around someone, maybe yourself, and say, “Because I care, let’s talk”.
January 28, 2021
Blended families need to be bold as a lion.
The host of a national radio program asked people to call and share how their church had helped their blended family. Normally the phones would light up, but this time the calls stopped. Online someone explained, "Sadly, churches haven’t helped.” Now, in their defense, churches can’t have a ministry for every need. That’s why we provide equipping and resources. Still Proverbs 28 invites the righteous to be bold as a lion. Be bold to encourage your church to start a stepfamily ministry.
January 27, 2021
So, do you have any technoference in your parenting?
Technoference refers to the minor everyday intrusions or interruptions technology has on our relationships. Think about your parenting for a minute. While having dinner, or playing with your child—if your phone vibrates do you check it? Sixty five percent of mothers now admit that a device fairly often interrupts playtime or discipline with their child—and now researchers have found a link between technoference and child misbehavior. Distracted parents simply aren’t in synch with their child.
January 26, 2021
When conflict divides, be a bridge.
Two people you care about are hurting and you want to help bring the two sides together. Talk to each person separately, give perspective, and encourage them to reconcile. Anyone with credibility on both sides can play that role. I’ve even seen a stepparent bridge the gap between a parent and their child. The trick is knowing when to step back and let them work on repairing their relationship. We can help jump start the conversation, but they have to do the work. Be a conduit of reconciliation.
January 25, 2021
When helping a drowning person be careful not to get pulled under, too.
Brenda told me her husband’s ex-wife still cared for their 39-year-old alcoholic daughter and expected his help financially. Brenda asked, “When does co-parenting end?” Mentoring never ends, but financing an adult’s irresponsibility should have ended long ago. If your husband isn’t careful, he'll be pulled under with his drowning daughter and ex-wife and you. A skilled swimmer really can help a drowning person. Just because they are under-functioning in life doesn’t mean you should join them.
January 22, 2021
How do you love someone different than you—I mean really different?
You’re a talker; your son isn’t. You’re a saver, your wife isn’t. You’re have to-do lists, but your dating partner can't find her keys. Why does God make us so different? I think to force us outside ourselves. Think of it this way. If you’re a flaming extrovert and your spouse an introvert, neither of you is “wrong.” But both of you have to moderate who you are in order to serve the other. I move my personality closer to yours, you toward mine, and we both lose ourselves in order to find us.
January 21, 2021
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