FamilyLife Blended®

Ron L. Deal

Leaving My Kids Out

January 29, 2021

What do you do when one group of kids leaves out the other?

Ron, in our stepfamily we all get along great at the holidays, but even after three years my husband's adult children often leave my kids out. Should I be concerned? Well, since they all get along to some degree, I wouldn’t worry too much that the biological siblings compartmentalize some of their time. That’s okay. Don’t try to force togetherness. If your kids want to be included more, let them ask. It’s better that you get out of the way and the siblings figure this out on their own.

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I know you really don’t want to, but we need to talk about porn. Porn is everywhere. First exposure for many kids is age four. Around 65 percent of young adult men use it weekly; one third of web users are women; and teens and young adults are twice as likely to rank not recycling as more immoral than viewing porn. This affects all of us and research shows the spiritual, relational, emotional, intellectual, social, even neurological effects on users and those around them. So, put an arm around someone, maybe yourself, and say, “Because I care, let’s talk”.
January 28, 2021
Blended families need to be bold as a lion. The host of a national radio program asked people to call and share how their church had helped their blended family. Normally the phones would light up, but this time the calls stopped. Online someone explained, "Sadly, churches haven’t helped.” Now, in their defense, churches can’t have a ministry for every need. That’s why we provide equipping and resources. Still Proverbs 28 invites the righteous to be bold as a lion. Be bold to encourage your church to start a stepfamily ministry.
January 27, 2021
So, do you have any technoference in your parenting? Technoference refers to the minor everyday intrusions or interruptions technology has on our relationships. Think about your parenting for a minute. While having dinner, or playing with your child—if your phone vibrates do you check it? Sixty five percent of mothers now admit that a device fairly often interrupts playtime or discipline with their child—and now researchers have found a link between technoference and child misbehavior. Distracted parents simply aren’t in synch with their child.
January 26, 2021
When conflict divides, be a bridge. Two people you care about are hurting and you want to help bring the two sides together. Talk to each person separately, give perspective, and encourage them to reconcile. Anyone with credibility on both sides can play that role. I’ve even seen a stepparent bridge the gap between a parent and their child. The trick is knowing when to step back and let them work on repairing their relationship. We can help jump start the conversation, but they have to do the work. Be a conduit of reconciliation.
January 25, 2021
When helping a drowning person be careful not to get pulled under, too. Brenda told me her husband’s ex-wife still cared for their 39-year-old alcoholic daughter and expected his help financially. Brenda asked, “When does co-parenting end?” Mentoring never ends, but financing an adult’s irresponsibility should have ended long ago. If your husband isn’t careful, he'll be pulled under with his drowning daughter and ex-wife and you. A skilled swimmer really can help a drowning person. Just because they are under-functioning in life doesn’t mean you should join them.
January 22, 2021
How do you love someone different than you—I mean really different? You’re a talker; your son isn’t. You’re a saver, your wife isn’t. You’re have to-do lists, but your dating partner can't find her keys. Why does God make us so different? I think to force us outside ourselves. Think of it this way. If you’re a flaming extrovert and your spouse an introvert, neither of you is “wrong.” But both of you have to moderate who you are in order to serve the other. I move my personality closer to yours, you toward mine, and we both lose ourselves in order to find us.
January 21, 2021
Whether a nation or a family, one leader can make all the difference. Proverbs 28:2 teaches that when a nation rebels against God, it becomes weak and unstable. But a nation led by a wise and understanding leader continues to be unified and strong. The same is true for a family. Your family may have been plagued by sinful behavior but it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can be the change agent who brings stability. Gain the wisdom of Scripture and let it permeate how you live and lead. The heritage you received does not have to be the legacy you pass on.
January 20, 2021
I’m wondering, should you pray for God to change your spouse? If you’re married, you’ve probably prayed that prayer at least once. But how do we know if that’s appropriate or just shifting blame? Well, if your spouse is involved in sinful behavior pray for them to repent. And if they are abusive don’t tolerate it, get to safety, and pray they are convicted to change. But if it’s just a matter of preference, well, pray for your heart to change more times than you pray for them to change.
January 19, 2021
Hey Ron, can stepparents discipline their stepchildren? Periodically I get that question because someone heard a TV talk show host say that stepparents should not discipline, that only the biological parents should do that. To be candid, that’s poor advice. What if foster parents or adoptive parents did that? It’d be utter chaos. Now, stepparents should not act independently of the biological parent, work with them. And as long as you enforce the rules you have agreed to, you can discipline your stepchildren.
January 18, 2021
Corporations have business meetings all the time. Shouldn’t families do that? Generally, the purpose behind a business meeting is to generate teamwork and productivity. A family meeting is so much more than that. It’s about facilitating family harmony as well as making vacation plans and discussing the family calendar. You can also work through hurt feelings and support each other in tough times. And there’s a bonus for blended families: regular family meetings become a ritual that strengthens a sense of family identity.
January 15, 2021
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About FamilyLife Blended®

FamilyLife Blended® provides  biblically-based resources that help prevent re-divorce, strengthen stepfamilies, and help break the generational cycle of divorce.

About Ron L. Deal

Ron L. Deal is the Director of blended family ministries at FamilyLife®, and is the author/coauthor of the books The Smart StepfamilyThe Smart Stepdad, The Smart Stepmom, Dating and the Single Parent, and The Remarriage Checkup. Ron voices the FamilyLife Blended short feature and is one of the most widely read authors on stepfamily living in the country. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist who frequently appears in the national media, including FamilyLife Today® and Focus on the Family, and he conducts marriage and family seminars around the countryRon and his wife, Nan, have been married since 1986 and have three boys.

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