Richard Ellis Talks

Richard Ellis: There's two places in scripture where men are expected to lead. It's in a church and in a home. But it doesn't mean a husband is smarter than a wife, better than a wife, has more authority than a wife, or just boss her around. You hammer things out, but when you reach an impasse, someone has to have the authority and be authorized to make a decision or you go nowhere.

Guest (Male): Welcome to Richard Ellis Talks with Richard Ellis. We're taking these few days to share some very important news with you. As we all know, the world is a very troubled place right now, and maybe your own heart has also felt very heavy for many reasons.

Let me say that you don't have to walk this out alone. This program is committed to sharing the good news that promises hope for the hurting. And we have a great opportunity to come alongside of your "mayday, mayday, mayday" call. More on that later, but for now, with today's talk, here is Richard Ellis.

Richard Ellis: The title of today's message is "Married versus Marriage". You'll see on the back of a car sometimes a sign—it used to be they'd do it in shoe polish—a couple gets married and it says "Just Married" as though you know what they mean. But there are a lot of people that are just that. They are just married. They really don't have a marriage.

So you say, "Well, I'm single. I shouldn't have come today." If you have any desire to be married one day, then it's a good thing you're here. Maybe you've been married and you've given up on it. Maybe you are married and you're trying to find a way out. There's a lot of people that way. So we're going to look at the difference here being married and having an actual marriage.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said this: "It is not love that sustains the marriage, but from now on the marriage that sustains the love." C.S. Lewis: "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." Augustine: "In marriage there is a good of fidelity, a good of offspring, and a good of the sacrament." Martin Luther: "Marriage is not a game or a joke. It is a serious matter instituted by God." John Piper: "Staying married is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant." And Gary Thomas said: "A good marriage isn't something you find, it's something you make."

So what is the difference in a contract and a covenant? Marriage is a covenant relationship. So you say, "Well, what is the difference? It doesn't matter. Contract, covenant—it's the same thing." A contract is based on mutual self-interest. It says, "I will if you will." Performance-driven benefits last only as long as terms are met. Breakable when obligations aren't fulfilled. Focused on protecting rights. Enforced by law. Ends when it stops being beneficial.

You have no idea how many people I sit down with. The world's lost their mind. Either men telling men or a bunch of women telling a bunch of women, "You have the right to be happy." I'm trying to be wise here. You have the right to remain silent and keep covenant. It doesn't mean you don't speak, it doesn't mean you don't share. "I'm not happy anymore." If we changed everything that we'd have to change because we're not happy anymore, it'd be chaos. In short, a contract is about exchange.

A covenant is based on mutual commitment. It says—now listen to this—"I will even if you don't." Relationship-driven. Faithfulness matters more than performance. Binding at the level of identity, not just behavior. Focused on giving oneself. Enforced by promise and trust. Endures through failure with restoration, not abandonment. In short, a covenant is about belonging.

This matters biblically. God never relates to His people through contracts, only covenants. He doesn't cut a deal with us and go, "If you this, then I will this." God says if you obey perfectly then I'll love you? He doesn't say that. He says, "I have loved you, therefore walk with me." The Abrahamic Covenant, the Mosaic Covenant, the New Covenant—the New Covenant sealed by Christ's blood, not human performance. Jesus didn't say, "This is the new contract in my blood." He said, "This is the covenant."

So marriage through this lens, this is where the contrast becomes practical. Contract marriage: "I'll stay as long as my needs are met. You're not taking care of me. You're not meeting my expectations. I didn't sign up for this, so I'm out." A covenant marriage says, "I am committed to you even when it costs me." That doesn't mean tolerating abuse or sin. It means the default posture is faithfulness and restoration, not exit.

Okay? So you go, "This sucks for me because I'm not happy." Now again, I don't like sharing all this stuff. I'm only a few decades in with my beautiful wife, my amazing wife. It has not always been good. Around year seven, we almost didn't make it. Just life-crushing pressures, identity issues. I could remember days people say, "Well, you feel like you're treading water?" And I'd say, "No, I was not treading water. I was underwater and I got enough strength to go up and catch a breath and go back underwater."

So you say, "Well, how have you stayed married all these decades?" Because I made a choice. I made a decision. I married her because she's hot—I don't need any agreement with that, that'll make me nervous, so don't. I married her because I like her. She's my best friend. I married her because I love her. But I ultimately married her because I got permission from God and told that that is my wife. Until one of us dies, that is my wife.

Now, that's something else. Because when the storms of life hit a contract relationship, the house is obliterated. When the storms hit a covenant relationship, the house stands. I am particularly selfish. All men are gifted in this area. So when you're a man and you're selfish and you're like, "What about me? What about my needs? What's going on?" and then you get angry and then you start pouting.

So in the midst of trying to be married and stay married and selfish at the same time—which by the way, if you go read First Corinthians 13, it tells you all the things that love is. All those things are all the things that I'm not. Not naturally. Without Jesus, it's not pretty. I don't even like me then, so I can't imagine what it's like for her. I am so thrilled we made it past year seven. I can't even begin to tell you.

And people say, "Well, does it get better?" It's not that you don't have challenges, but man, it may be that the end of the road is the best stretch. Go to Genesis chapter two. Genesis 2:18: "And the Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.'" So God makes man from dirt and it's the only thing He says is not good. This guy should not be by himself. "Not good that man should be alone. I'll make a helper comparable to him."

So what is this word "helper"? It's most often in scripture referred to God Himself as our helper. It does not mean an assistant, a subordinate, a servant, or a sidekick. Psalm 33:20: "He is our helper, our shield." Psalm 70, verse five: "You are my help"—same word—"and my deliverer." Exodus 18:4: "The God of my father was my help"—same word. So the biblical a helper is a strong rescuer, supporter, or life-saving aid. Someone who supplies what is lacking.

So God knew I would not do well by myself, and she doesn't do well by herself either. So basically, summing that up, a strong rescue, supporter, life-saving aid—they make up the difference. And then this "comparable to him" is a word that means corresponding to him, equal and facing him, suitable, matching, complimentary. Literally then, it talks about a help equal to him, facing him.

So religious people get this really screwed up more than anybody. I am not better than my wife. My wife is not better than me. I'm not competing with her. But there are two places in scripture where men are expected to lead. It's in a church and in a home. But it doesn't mean a husband is smarter than a wife, better than a wife, has more authority than a wife, or just boss her around. You hammer things out, but when you reach an impasse, someone has to have the authority and be authorized to make a decision or you go nowhere.

And a woman has to—you say, "Well, my wife's not that way." And I say, "What? You picked her." Why did you pick that kind of woman? And then you say, "Well, but we've been married a long time, she should know better." Then pray for her. She's praying for you, probably. Or pray together. Talk it out. Why are we arguing about everything that has to—why does it have to always be an argument? But at some point, if a decision needs to be made, a man needs to make a decision.

Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." I have three daughters. They're married to three godly men and they left technically. The husbands are supposed to leave the father and mother, they're not supposed to leave us, so we're still working on that technicality. Now, why am I okay with this? Yes, they're my daughters. My daughters are now their wives. It's a new unit. They've moved forward. It's a new family. It's not that they abandon their family, but it's their family.

So I'm not trying to get up in their business and I don't give a lot of advice, if any. If I'm asked, I will say something to my sons-in-law if they ask me. If not, they are the men in those houses. You say, "But you're watching, maybe you'd do it different." It ain't my wife. Keep your mouth shut. "Well, what if he screws up?" Welcome to my party. I screwed up and my father-in-law watched that. That's how you learn.

First Corinthians seven. I used to be afraid—not afraid, but kind of hesitant to read these verses. I'm not anymore. First Corinthians seven, verse one: "Now concerning these things of which I wrote to you: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her."

So I sit down with women and their husbands aren't taking care of them physically, sexually. Dude, you got to step up. I got verses. You have a responsibility to take care of your wife because you don't want her going somewhere else to do it, getting emotionally involved in something, reading some crazy book, whatever she's going to do. So take care of your wife. And likewise also the wife to her husband.

And women go, "Well, you don't know, blah blah." You know what? I don't know what I don't know, but I got scripture to back up. You better take care of your husband. Because when you don't, you have lit a fire that will destroy you, your marriage, your husband. You say, "Well, but he needs to be—" I sit with people and a man will be told this out of nowhere. A wife—and these are people supposedly godly people—and she'll say, "You know what? I'm just not attracted to you in that way anymore."

And then 8, 10, 12, 20 years go by and no sex. That is not why people get married. If you're paralyzed from the eyelashes down, now, maybe. But if you're not paralyzed, you're not clinically whatever the deal is, come on. And then women get upset. "Well, you're a man telling us women what to do." I'm just reading you scripture. If you don't like it, go talk to Him. It's right here in the book and there's a reason it's in the book, this specifically.

The wife does not have authority over her own body. That does not mean a man can take advantage and violate a woman, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

The only reason a couple should not be having sex, unless there's some health issue, is you're praying and fasting. You can't fast for eight years without dying. "Well, I don't like this." I get it. And you don't know the details of our marriage. He cheated on me or she cheated on me. He struggles with porn and I feel betrayed. Whatever it is, you better sort all that out or you're going to blow your house completely up.

And if you can't sort it out by yourself, then get some help. But if you're going to stay married, there's only one place I can go for certain things. It's because I have a wife. That's how God intended it. I got nowhere else to go. She has nowhere else to go. And when you slam that door—I've had couples come see me and say, "I want to get married."

And I say, "Is there any reason?" One couple comes to mind. I said, "Is there anything that he could do where you would divorce him?" She says, "Yes, if he cheats on me, I would divorce him." I said, "Then I don't recommend you get married." She's like, "What?" I said, "You've already got a way out and you're not even married yet." The Bible allows for divorce in the case of infidelity. It does not require it.

And women can—men can do this too—but a woman can create such an intolerable situation. Men are always, in my mind, 100% responsible for their choices. But if a woman pushes a man, abandons a man, neglects a man, and then all of a sudden he gets trapped by some woman out there, you go, "See, I told you if you did that, I'd divorce you. I'm out." And now you look like the victim. Don't play these games. Any questions at this point? I just want to stop, maybe we could go get water, whatever y'all want to do.

First Corinthians seven—I don't want to get into all of this—down there in verse 12 and 13. But it talks about what if you're married to an unbeliever? If at all possible, stay married to an unbeliever. If that unbeliever says they want out and they leave you, you have no control over that. It's catastrophic, it's devastating, but you can't make someone stay. So read that if you've got that situation.

And very briefly, Second Corinthians 6:14. I just got to put this in here for anybody that wants to be married. You know, there's been some crazy stuff said at churches and done in the world, but this is like way up there. Let's read 14: "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers." That has nothing to do with ethnicity. Churches used to preach this: "Oh, if you're white, you shouldn't be married some black woman." You got no verses for that.

And then people say, "Well, I'm just not comfortable." We got a room full of multi-whatever, what do you call them? Interracial. Thank you for that. See, you don't have a problem with if a black dude marries a Mexican girl, but if a white person marries a black person, oh, we got trouble. Where are you getting this trouble? You're not getting it in the Bible.

When it says don't be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, it means it doesn't matter what color they are or where they're from. They're either a believer or they're not. And if they're not a believer, don't marry them. Right? You say, "Well, I was just raised where people should stay with their own kind." You need to get your head out of whatever it is in. That is not in the Bible.

Because then he goes on to say, "For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" The issue is not light and dark, white and black. The issue is spiritual darkness, spiritual light. "And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: 'I will dwell in them and walk among them. I will be their God and they shall be my people.'" So find a believer.

And believe it or not, there are people come to this church, interracial marriage, because they know we don't care about that. And they walk into other churches and they look like they got 12 heads. I don't care. Find someone that loves Jesus more than you, who cares what color they are. And you say, "Well, but we could have some challenges." If you're white and God tells you marry some black person, marry them. "Well, you're going to have problems." You're going to have problems no matter what.

Ephesians five. This is part of an encouraging series that I'm starting today. I told those men at that retreat I did, I said, "You know, it was very intense. You don't have to worry, I never get invited back anywhere anyway, so you won't have to hear any of this ever again." Okay, let me go through this and we'll shut down. Ephesians 5:22—and boy, women who don't understand this hate this—"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything." You say, "Well, I'm not going to submit to some man." Then don't get married. I just can't do it. I can't respect a man enough to submit to him. Then don't get married.

Don't screw his life up with your screw up. If you are submitted to God—which the verse before says, submitting to one another—if you're submitted to God like you're supposed to be, you'll be looking for a man that you can trust to hook your wagon to. Because you know that that man is hopefully and what you can tell, he is submitting to God, he is following, he is taking obeying orders.

So you discuss it all, you look at him and you say, "You know what? I trust you. Make a decision." And here we go. You say, "Well, what if he screws up?" You picked him. That's a good thing in that case. Is he going to make mistakes? Yes. It's okay, we all make mistakes. But if you as a woman, a wife, find a man who is even remotely interested in what God thinks and what He's saying and trying to lead your family, your marriage, your children in a right direction, give him a chance to figure out how to do that and work it out. Tuck in behind him and encourage him.

So women aren't even told to love their husbands in the Bible. It's crazy. Do you know why? Because women have an easier time loving. That's not the problem. The problem is you get all competitive, bowed up, "No one's going to tell me what to do," and I'm blah—whatever it is, pride, ego, you get all wrapped around the axle instead of picking a man. He puts his arm around you and you have covering, you're safe. I don't know too many women that just don't want to be safe with their man.

And you say, "Well, but I haven't felt safe in a long time." Okay, then tell him that. Don't argue about it, just say, "Look, this is where—this is what hurts. And we need to pray together about this." And by the way, pray with each other. So then he goes into the husbands, verse 25. And what does he tell us? "Love your wives." You say, "Well, how do you forget to love someone?" We just start moving, conquering, living, working. And God says, "Love your wife."

So it's hard for me to tell you certain things like this because you go, "Well, you're bragging or something." I'm just trying to give you examples. In the middle of an ice storm, go to the grocery store to get some stuff, and I grabbed some roses and took Rebecca some roses. Why did I take her roses? Am I trying to get her to love me? No. I'm trying to tell her that at the grocery store, I was thinking about her and I love her, and so here are some roses. Simple stuff. It doesn't have to be new cars and trips.

Don't tell a woman she looks beautiful. Tell a woman she is beautiful. Big difference. "You look so cute." "You are cute." Because anybody can look something. You want to be something. I do have to tell you this story. A 90-year-old woman—she may be watching or listening—husband, she was married 40-something years, her husband died 20-something years ago. She's just turning 90 Friday. She called the office, been listening on the radio.

And Diane said, "Richard's here. Do you want to talk to him?" She says, "Oh, that'd be great if possible." So she gets on the phone. She is so kind to me. "You're so precious." She says, "I know people don't use that word anymore." And you know, she was just really kind, appreciative. So I'm talking to her and she says, "I have a ministry to widows," and tells me some medicine I should buy.

And I ordered it immediately. I'm like, "Hey, if you're 90 going this hard, I'm taking it. I don't know what it is, but I'm taking it." And I don't take anything, so it's at the house and I did some shots of it last night. So I found out her birthday was coming up and I said, "Diane, send her flowers from the church." And she got those flowers and called up. And you can't imagine. Don't send dead people flowers, right?

So why am I telling you this story specifically? I bet she loved her husband and he's in heaven. So sometimes you step in on behalf of a husband and say, "We're going to send the girl some flowers." It's little stuff. Women are not complicated. Complicated women are complicated, but women in general are not complicated. It's easy to get in my phone. It's locked.

But if you said, "I think I can break in your phone, what's your combination?" Don't try to figure out all women. Just find out what the combination is to your girl, to your man. That's it. That's all you have to figure out. God, give me wisdom, right? Let's wrap this up. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." I don't have that. I wish he had stopped before that.

"Husbands, love your wives." Okay, let me make a run at that. Don't add "as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it." Because now you're telling me I got to love my wife like Jesus loved the church and was willing to die. I don't want to lose my life. I don't want to not be selfish. I don't want to lay down me and lose me to find me. I have expectations. "I have this, should be this."

And Jesus said, "I laid it all down for you. Lay it down." You show me a woman who is loved by a man who loves her so much that he would lay his life down for her, I'll show you a woman who has no trouble submitting to that man. "That he might sanctify and cleanse her with washing of water by the word, that he might present her to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish."

"So husbands ought to love their own wives as their bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself." So when you love your wife, you're really loving yourself because you're one. "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.'"

"This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." So the word "submit" and "respect" are interchangeable. You looking for a husband? Find someone that you respect. And it is hard to respect a man who's trying to get in your pants before you're married to him.

So don't marry that man if that's all he's after. Unless that's all you're after because you intend to weaponize sex. "I'm going to trick this man. I got skills. I'm going to trick him into marrying me and then I'm going to run this little show." Oh, that's brilliant. You've just destroyed your life and his. Well, if he's dumb enough to marry you—find you a man that if you tried everything in the book to seduce him, he'd go, "You know what? You don't understand. I'm looking for a wife. I'm looking for a woman that I can respect and that when I go off to work on a trip or you weigh 500 pounds and pregnant, that you're not worried about whether I'm out there with someone else. I'm going to come home. I'm going to love you. I'm in a covenant, I'm staying. I choose you."

You say, "Well, I don't attract those kind of people." Then become the kind of person that attracts those kind of people. Be a wife, you'll attract a husband. Be a husband, you'll attract a wife.

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