New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Here we are, and there are you. Thanks for joining us on New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and if you have a question for our panel, visit newlife.com/radio to find out how to get that question into the studio. In the studio today, we've got licensed marriage and family therapist Chris Williams along with clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard. What's new, Jill? Anything you'd like to share?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Hey, guys. Good to be back with both of you. It's been a minute. Yes, I've been gone for a while. So, I wanted to talk a little bit about reducing reactivity as a way to re-engage and reunite into relationship.

It's interesting when as a therapist going out of town, I get everybody kind of where I think they're in a good place, make sure everybody knows what they can do if there's a problem while I'm gone. But inevitably when I come back, some things have stirred up and people have gotten triggered and there's some reactivity that has happened that we need to dive into.

Chris Williams: And I've left four messages on your voicemail in desperation and dire need and you didn't respond, did you?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So, I think first of all, there's reactivity in ourselves that we need to be aware of, but also reactivity in other people. When you notice in other people or in yourselves, when you start getting to that place where you are limiting your options, where you get into all or nothing thinking, black and white kind of thinking, you notice when people do that.

When people get maxed out or they feel like their back is against the wall, they'll say things like, "I'm done," "I can't," "Leave me alone," and the volume starts going up. Because they don't feel heard and really, they've reached the end of their bandwidth.

A lot of times when you have a partner or friend or somebody that's in this place, then it's like, well, I've got to explain more because they're pulling away and they're shutting me down. And so, for some people, they go after that. Well, that's probably not always the best thing to do because when someone is in that fight or flight or freeze, they're in that hyperarousal state, they can't process on an adult level.

We all have to come back into what's called the window of tolerance in terms of our level of activation in order to be able to process as an adult. So, we need to stop and we need to bring the temperature down.

Some of the things that I tell people to do either for yourself or for others: one, you take a timeout. You say, "I've got to go use the restroom," and you go for three to five minutes, you're gone, and when you come back, sometimes that's enough of a reset.

Also, when someone is starting to get louder, you get quieter. Sometimes lean in and actually touch the person so that they know that kind of contact helps them to calm down a bit because then you're really listening. Acknowledge their felt need. "I hear what you're saying, Chris. I'm listening to you." And then ask them, "What do you need from me right now?" and see if they can tell you. So, you try to stay present and now this is as long as you don't get reactive yourself.

Chris Williams: Yeah, if you get reactive yourself, then you've got to use some of this on yourself. Take the timeout, breathe, and see where you're at and then somebody has to be the one that's going to be the responder to help bring the temperature down. So, I had another example, but I hear the music and I'll wait.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: Okay, let's go right to the phones, starting with Donna, who listens to us on SiriusXM Channel 131. Hey, Donna, welcome to New Life Live.

Donna: Hi, good afternoon. Thank you for taking my call. Well, I called about two and a half months ago regarding my mother. Nothing has gotten better. To make a long story short, very horrific upbringing. She was involved, my dad of course was involved with it, just a lot. Fast forward, my sister is dead, my brother is out of the picture, it's my mom and I.

I have tried over the course of time and the only thing I've ever asked of this lady is certain things I mentally can't handle anymore conversations and there's just two things, and that's all I've ever asked is can we just not talk about that? My dad's been dead 26 years, she's been out of that situation, we all have. I wanted us to have some kind of normal relationship. That has never happened, she won't allow it to happen.

So, three months ago, the conversation started again, the ones I've asked her not to bring up, and I just exploded on her and said, "I've asked you not to do this. I mentally cannot handle this," and I hung up. But she's continued to text and say, they're basically just generic texts: "Have a good day, I love you," "Have a good night, I love you." That's all it's been.

And I've reached out to her via text, not voice to voice, and I've said, "I hate the way things are. I really just don't know how to fix this, but I have to protect my mental health." Her response was, "Well, I just want you to take care of yourself." They're very generic, like she doesn't care.

So, yesterday I sent her a text and I said, "You know what? Let's just stop these conversations, these text messages. I don't feel like you even care," and no response. So, I called her on the way home and I prefaced the conversation with, "I didn't call you to argue. I called you because I need to say this."

And I told her, I said, "I don't understand this. I'm your daughter and I feel like you really do not care." Her response was, "I don't know why you think that." And then I said, "You know, we've been out of this situation 26 years. I can't help that," and that's her response.

And I said, "Okay, I can't do this. I mentally cannot handle this anymore." I said, "I've just asked for two things. I've never asked for an apology for the way we grew up. I just want things to be better." She said, "Well, all you have to do is tell me the things I you don't want me to talk about." I said, "I have. We've talked about it," and I was nice. I didn't do it confrontationally.

And so, I gave two examples, and her response was, "What? I have to listen to things I don't like either." I said, "All right, I'll tell you what. I will not contact you again. I'm out of your life." And I said, "I just it blows my mind. I'm your daughter, your two daughters, one my sister's dead." I said, "How you never cared?"

Brian Perez: And this just happened yesterday, you said?

Donna: Yes, this conversation. We haven't spoken voice to voice in three months, but she has gone three years without speaking to me, two years without speaking to me, and I have to reach out. I have to reach out.

I did not cause her to marry my dad. I didn't cause my dad to sexually abuse my sister. My dad killed my sister. My mom knows all of this. Yet she I don't know how to deal with this. I'm mentally, I have to be done because I can't handle it. It's like she wants to stay stuck in that lifestyle and I can't.

Brian Perez: Chris, what would you say to Donna?

Chris Williams: I have so many more questions, Donna. Just real quickly, what were the two things that you put off-limits, that you set boundaries around in conversation? We don't talk about these two things. What are those two things?

Donna: Those two things were anything to do with my father or our upbringing, my dead sister. I can't. And then she has a sister who and I'm just going to be real direct with you. She throws off on her sister who she's close to because her sister's kids are dysfunctional. And I'm sorry, that's pot calling the kettle black. And I just that's all I've asked her. Let's just not talk about it. It's none of our business.

Chris Williams: So that's a third thing?

Donna: No, there's just those two things. I don't want to hear about your sister's children who are dysfunctional. You've got dysfunctional kids. And the other thing was, just please don't talk to me about the past, my dad. I can't help with that. I'm not a psychiatrist, a therapist. I can't handle it.

Chris Williams: Okay, so you said your dad, your dead sister, and then also her sister's family.

Donna: Yeah, well, I'm getting two broad things of the past and then this sister's children.

Chris Williams: So, Donna, here is my guidance in this. First and foremost, your mom most likely is stuck there. That's what her internal world and probably her external world revolves around. That's all she knows how to talk about. She doesn't sound like she has a life outside of that, and that can be incredibly frustrating.

But I also think that if it's just part of the expectation that this is who she is, this is what her life revolves around, and therefore I can't have a relationship to it, I can't talk about it. But there's another aspect I want you to consider for yourself in the midst of this. And that is what has been my own process of grief and healing around my own past, around what my father was and the hurt and pain that he did cause?

So, it just sounds like the past is too painful, which makes perfect sense. But this isn't just about relationship with your mom. This is about relationship with people in the world. Like, we are historical beings, and talking about our pasts and where we came from and, as I like to say, reading the previous chapters of the book that we're living in is really important to connection and intimacy and relational growth.

And so, it may just be exclusive to your mom, and I totally hear that and respect that, but if the past is too painful for you inside of you, I would just encourage you to really get into some more work around healing and reconciling your past with where you're at today where, as I like to say, our past isn't controlling us, it's just guiding us.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yes, I agree, Donna. Where are you talking about your past? I get that your mother has not done any work to heal herself. And she's at a later stage of life, too, where people reflect on their lives. And so if she's not done her own therapy and work, she's using you as the only living relative who grew up in that to talk to about it.

So, it's fine for you to set boundaries around that. I think it's kind of a hard ask to say don't ever mention anything about the past because things do come up. Our lives are like motion pictures, they're not it's not looking at a slide presentation where you can just take those slides out. So, it's all part of what has gone into who you guys are.

Now, if your mom is excessive or antagonistic with it or it's the old toxic behavior, even her presence is going to stir up the past for you. And she doesn't know a new way of connecting with you.

Donna: No, I get what you're saying. It is toxic. Nothing has changed. She thinks that medication or counseling is weakness, and I'm sorry, I totally disagree here because there's a lot more to this dynamic. We have zero relationship unless we want to sit around and talk about my neighbor this, my sister's kids that, or

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So her focus is talking about the lives of other people.

Donna: Yeah. Yeah. And if you don't do the work on the stuff that's in your life that's causing this, how I guess my problem is, how do you turn a blind eye to your own and focus on somebody else? There's scripture about that about the log and the plank in your eye. I understand she's 83 years old.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You're questioning her contradictions and her lack of insight. And it's hard because you lived through an abusive, dysfunctional family and she has no insight about that.

Brian Perez: Isn't it easier to talk about what other people are doing wrong so that it makes your situation look better?

Chris Williams: Well, I think there's a strong subtext here that, Donna, I'd go back to, and that is I hear the anger and frustration you have towards your mom. And I know if we sat down and got the backstory on it, it would make perfect sense. But I also want to say this, that your mom is who she is. You mentioned she's 83. There's not much expectation that she's going to show up any different than what she's already showed up.

The one thing I want to encourage you, maybe challenge, maybe lean into a little bit on is carrying around that sort of anger and frustration towards your mom is only going to hurt you in the end. And that's where I'd go back into doing some more work on yourself because that is frustrating when she denies the hurt, doubles down on not healing, doubles down on actually shaming or calling it weakness to take medication or go to a counselor.

It tells me a dangerous person may have left her life 26 years ago, but she herself never got undangered, so to speak.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And almost took on being kind of a dangerous person herself, perhaps.

Chris Williams: And I hate to say it like this, but yes, her dad was a dangerous person, but got the scapegoat for everyone else's dangerous behaviors. And my guess is that mom carries her own really damaging behaviors and dad gets to be the scapegoat.

And Donna, it makes perfect sense. It's like, "Mom, you're never taking ownership and looking at yourself, and having a conversation with you can never be a real thing." And that's really painful and hurtful. On the other side of that, you know, I have some personal experience with this with my own dad of just realizing, carrying around this amount of frustration and anger just is not going to help me in the long run.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, learning how and Donna, I sort of remember you from before, but learning how to unhook from needing anything from mom. You've got to get unhooked, seeing what there is there. We don't have to completely leave relationship, but we have to be really clear on what it is and what it isn't. And you're not going to get most of your needs met here.

And so to be able to stay in relationship to the degree that it's possible, but then take your needs elsewhere and unhook from needing something from someone who can't give it to you.

Brian Perez: That is a harsh reality to have to face.

Chris Williams: It is a very harsh reality.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: It's a sad reality.

Brian Perez: We want to have relationship with our parents or whoever it might be.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: We want them to get it. It feels vital to our existence.

Brian Perez: Especially in Donna's case, her mom is 83. So she knows, "Come on, Mom, get it." So, Donna, thank you so much for calling in today to New Life Live. We've got a webinar coming up. It's about grief and I think it would be good for you to attend this webinar.

It's happening on July 16th. We'll send you a free registration just for calling in today to New Life Live. Anybody else that's interested, we have the details at newlife.com or you can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. It's $24.99 for a 90-minute session that includes 30 minutes of Q&A. And like I said, it's all online. You don't need to go anywhere, don't need to pack your bags or anything. We're bringing the webinar to you. It's on a Thursday night, July 16th, and again, the details are at newlife.com.

We've got another webinar coming up right before that and in fact, that one is next week on Thursday, June 11th, and our friend J.J. West is hosting that one. It's about your identity in Christ. So often we look at the things that have hurt us in the past or the ways that we've hurt other people, the addictions we've had, everything else, and even though we are new creations in Christ, we keep dwelling on what we did.

Maybe you had a problem with alcohol years ago and you slipped up, so you had another drink recently and now you're thinking, "Oh, see, I'm just always going to be an alcoholic. I'm never going to get rid of this thing." You have a new identity in Christ, and that's what this webinar is all about. You can sign up for it at newlife.com. You can text the word "webinar" to 28950. We'll send you a registration link for this particular webinar as well as a tip sheet. Again, the details at newlife.com. We've got to take a break here on New Life Live, and when we come back, we'll talk to Anne and Betty and anyone else who wants to talk to Jill and Chris today.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: Okay, we have some phone calls to get to and we're going to go right now to Anne in Charlotte, who is watching us on YouTube. Welcome, Anne, to New Life Live.

Anne: Hi, thank you so much for taking my phone call. I appreciate it.

Brian Perez: Of course. How can we help you today?

Anne: Sure. My question is what I can do to improve my long-term dating relationships. They usually go very well, best of friends, of course there's conflict at times, but that's in any relationship. We work through that. And they don't end in marriage.

So the conversation about marriage comes up numerous times over the course of the years that we're together, and that's one of my first questions too when we begin a relationship is that something that they would like and it is. And it's usually as we date. "Yes, of course, I would love to marry you." And once it gets down to okay, well then obviously we need take the next step. That's kind of where there are no next steps.

So I want to date with purpose and intentionally and not just to date to date. And so then I feel like I'm the one who ends the relationship, sad end, right? But I'm not going to date just to date.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And you say these are long-term, like how long-term are we talking? How long do you let things go on for?

Anne: Too long. Typically one was well, they're long distance too, so it's in a different state. But there's not a certain amount of time, but I would say and let me just preface this, I'll just give the one-minute explanation so you're not like, "Oh my gosh, she is crazy."

One was around five years and that was because he was in grad school and then once he finished, then I started grad school. So we both wanted to be finished. The other one was about six years. There's a tragic loss in the family and he wanted to stay with his family for four years because he promised that person if anything happened to him, which it did, he died, that he would stay there to help take care of his niece for the four years until she graduated from high school.

So there was a little bit of that which of course I understood, so I stayed the course. But then once things were, "Okay, now we're both finished with grad school," or "Okay, now it's almost been four years, let's go ahead and plant." And it's like, "I would love to marry you but I don't want to leave." It's always been they don't want to leave. So I'm the one who has to move there. It just seems so conditional in that I've never asked for them to move here, but I unhooked.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And can I just ask, how old are you now, Anne?

Anne: Sure. I'm 50.

Chris Williams: Okay. Anne, a couple of things. We typically think of marriage as building relationship together over the rest of our lives. And that's true. But we oftentimes forget the second, just as essential aspect of marriage, and that is building a common life together for the rest of our lives. And so that's typically why most long-distance relationships don't work, is because there's not a common life together to be built.

When you don't actively move towards integrating lives together, that is a significant sign that this isn't, quote-unquote, the relationship itself isn't marriage material. Because this isn't daily life together day in and day out. And so that's one of the key indicators that I would encourage you to be looking for.

If I'm getting into relationship and marriage is an expectation in the relationship and I want to date intentionally, then I've got to be intentional not just about how well we get along relationally but how well our lives can integrate into each other. And that's usually where, I'd say it's 50/50 actually, between the I call it the relating and the creating part of marriage. The relating part is how we get along, but I see a ton of conflicts and life having to be worked out and expectations around common life together. So that seems like for me it's missing 50% of what makes a marriage work.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right, especially if throughout the whole five to six years you stayed long distance. There was never after a year or so somebody moving towards the other one. I agree, the long distance over a long time doesn't really work. And Anne, at this stage of life, you don't have time to keep repeating five-year relationships. So you're right, they're way too long.

Typically research has shown that it's optimal to get engaged from a year and a half to two and a half years of dating. And then once it goes beyond that, the likelihood of it panning into marriage is less. Now, that said, later in life, people have a lot of baggage and so sometimes you have to work through fears and things like that.

And it's like, why was long distance working not only for you but also for them? What are you attracting in the long distance that are people that maybe are more avoidant or lacking the ability to commit and like the companionship that's intermittent but not the full commitment? So I think the dating has to start being done differently. You've got to change your pattern here.

Anne: Can I ask a question then? So what I hear you saying then, I'm supposed to so we date for two years and I'm supposed to move, sell my house, buy another house, leave my job, get another job, and then six months later we end the relationship and so that's a heavy one.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So Anne, why are you dating people so far away? If you're set in your life, then why pick these people at a distance? Because both people are going to be at this stage of life are going to be set and maybe as we were saying happy with their lives. So if you're saying why would anyone expect you to move, but then are you saying the other person has to move? Like somebody's got to give up their life where they're at.

Anne: I am okay with moving. It's not I'm against moving. It's that it's the other person who's not willing to move and that's where if there's no compromise in that, like why is it that I always have to be the one to move into their space?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. So maybe not date long distance.

Brian Perez: What's the attraction in long-distance dating for you?

Anne: Well, the one was someone I knew from a long, long time ago. So that was an easy one to that. And then the other one it was he lives about four and a half hours away just in a different state. So we met a lot halfway, we just made it work.

Chris Williams: So Anne, I'm just curious, when I go back to because you're right about the compromise. When I go back to marriage is building a common life together, there's still this question of like, well, whose common life? And I'm like, whoa, we're so far off because I was joking around on the break, I said, well, don't want it to be conditional, but there are tremendous amount of conditions.

At your stage of life, those conditions in when you meet a person could be previous marriages, could be children, could be job obligations, could be health obligations. There are so many aspects of life that incorporate life together that again, when you're trying to meld two lives that are set, I mean that's a big, big ask. And so there seems to be a little bit of a disconnect to reality in the sense of they say they want to be married but never follows through and then I'm the one who has to make all the sacrifices is what I hear.

And that makes a lot of sense. But I just think that earlier on in the relationship, there need to be more hard-line conversations, difficult conversations of like if we were to get married, what exactly would that look like? What are the issues? What does it mean for you to be in relationship with your children and in relationship with me? What does it mean for you to be in your location or your family? All of those sort of things because that far and away at your stage of life is going to be the most challenging, hopefully most rewarding, but most challenging aspect of it.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Now, as Chris was saying, if you're creating more barriers through geographical distance, it makes the marriage proposition even more difficult. And you're passing into past the time where people are motivated to get married. And so then it's the problems.

And you should be able to see earlier on, Anne, whether another person is sacrificial in their life. Whether they're a giving person, whether they want it to all revolve around them. And so within a year, year and a half, you should be able to tell is this someone I could go the distance with. Now, some people do take longer to get ready depending on their baggage. So that's fine, but at the same time, you should be aware of those things and let's not hold on to the false hope that gets you so entrenched and so invested that it's hard to step out.

Anne: Okay. I will stick with my state. And I really I am more willing to go or to, you know, I just think love is sacrificial, right? But when the other person is not, that just makes me just question a lot of stuff.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right, so don't set up that barrier from the get-go. Try dating locally and see what develops that way.

Chris Williams: Yes, of course love is sacrificial, but love more accurately is reciprocal. Because sacrificial sets up trappings of expectations that are going to let you down. But love is reciprocal, meaning that we're both giving and taking here. There's mutuality.

Anne: Thank you so much. I love that. That's beautiful. I would love to see that come to fruition.

Brian Perez: Me too. We'll believe it for you. Thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. All right, God bless you. Before we go to our next call, if there's any woman out there listening who's been faced with sexual betrayal, we know it's common to look at the whole problem and get overwhelmed with the enormity of the situation.

And as if the betrayal wasn't bad enough, then there's the legal, financial, social, physical, emotional, and mental toll that it takes. Women feel pressured to fix everything, still take care of the kids, make sure the bills are paid, all while reeling from the pain and confusion that they're experiencing. Well, New Life has created a space for women to come, breathe, and begin healing.

It's our Restore Workshop led by counselors who understand faith-based betrayal trauma recovery. You'll learn that true healing is possible. We are so, so sorry that betrayal is part of your story, but please plan to join us in Washington, D.C. the weekend of November 13th. You can get all the details at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. In fact, if finances are an issue, call, because we might be able to help you with a need-based scholarship. 1-800-NEW-LIFE is the phone number.

Let's go back to the phones. Here is Betty, who is watching us or listening to us on newlife.com in New York. Welcome, Betty, to New Life Live.

Betty: Yes, hello.

Brian Perez: Hello. How can we help you today?

Betty: I'm concerned about my son who doesn't have much of a social life. And I have a health issue that I'm going to be end of life. So I'm trying to figure out how can I help my son who is constantly on the cellphone looking all kinds of stuff on the cellphone but doesn't have any strong people in his life to be there for him when I'm gone.

Chris Williams: How old is your son?

Betty: He's 39.

Chris Williams: He's 39. And does he live with you or live in the area?

Betty: He lives with me.

Chris Williams: And so does he have interests, hobbies, job? What's his life look like?

Betty: Okay, well, he has a job, he works with sheet metal. So he works and then he comes home and be on the cellphone constantly, but as far as having people that he doing things with other people, he doesn't do that.

Chris Williams: Is he just a curious question is he part of a union? The sheet metal workers' union?

Betty: Yes, he is.

Chris Williams: Okay. This is really ironic, but I've actually done some consulting work with them, and they have done a phenomenal job in building up their mental health. It's called the SMART program. I want him to really build out networks within his union. I think that there's a lot more resources for him and a lot more opportunities for him through his workplace for him to expand his relationships.

For him to maybe look at it sounds like he may be struggling with some depression, obviously isolation is a huge part of that. And when a person gets isolated, when they're on their screens and when they're 39 years old and when they're lonely, they're oftentimes not looking at great things. And so falling into traps around that, you're right, he does need to get outside.

But from your perspective, I think just talking to him honestly and from the heart, what you as a mom what your concerns are, what your hopes are for him, and how you'll help guide him in the areas that you can, but really it's up to him to do this. But these are moments where these are heart-to-heart conversations that you want to lead with love and lead with truth in them.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And if it's true that you have a diagnosis where you won't be here as long, I mean you can use that. There are things that I feel like I have to say before I'm not able to say them. And a lot of times people will give you grace for that.

Brian Perez: Betty, we're curious about his growing up years as well. So maybe we can talk about when we come back here on New Life Live. If you'll stay through the break, we'll continue our conversation with you. Thanks so much for watching and listening today. We are New Life Live.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: Okay, back to Betty. You still with us, Betty? What do you think of what you've heard so far?

Betty: Okay so far, but I'm trying to figure out what for me, what should I do?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Betty, we're also wondering, has he ever had relationships in life?

Betty: No, not really. Not anything that lasts.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: In school as a little boy? Friendships and things, not necessarily dating relationships.

Betty: Yeah, he had them but not like friends coming over and things like that to the house. And that was because of me. That was because I was a workaholic and the house wasn't in order all the time and so that's why kids didn't get to come over and all.

Chris Williams: And where's Dad? Is he in the picture at all?

Betty: Dad's deceased.

Chris Williams: Betty, what you can do is not much. Because the not much part of it is that you're not in control of his life at 39 years old. So much of this is the maturation, the risk-taking, the getting out is all up to him and on his own. What you can do, I think, is a couple of things.

It does sound like you guys have had, with Dad out of the picture and him deceased, it's like there's been a lot of struggle in you guys' life. It is very, very natural for parents and especially for moms to carry mom guilt. To be like, "Oh, maybe I didn't parent him the way he needed to be parented and therefore his life is such a huge struggle right now, so what can I do to fix his life?"

I just think that there's a couple things. One, I want you to get yourself off the hook there. I don't want you to carry that regret with you the rest of the time that you have left. Learning how to let go of your own struggles or your own deficiencies as a parent growing up and still having those conversations with your son. I think there's a lot of meaningful moments that using this time and this limited time usually increases the impact and the meaning of the conversations and you want to be able to utilize that.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right, and asking him how does he feel about his life? What feels unresolved? You want to leave this world feeling like he's in a good place. And so what does that look like to him? Because what it might look like to you may be very different to him. But also, how does he feel about your diagnosis, Betty?

How is he coping with that? He's already lost his dad, and so mind-numbing on the phone or going down rabbit holes looking at different things is a way of coping and distracting oneself. Escaping his own reality. So what is it about his reality that he likes or doesn't like?

He may be more of a loner kid anyway, because it doesn't sound like he was being invited to other kids' houses. So having just a few people in his life may be enough for him and encouraging ways for him to get plugged in.

Betty: Okay. He had left home for a short term and he came back because I was by myself.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So he's connected to you.

Betty: So I wish I hadn't allowed him to go to the military, he started to do that and I was afraid he'd go over there and get killed. He didn't do that. So he has a lot of blocks, I guess, that I put in and I wish I hadn't.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, so maybe it's time to own those, Betty. To say you're reflecting and you realize because of your fear, you stopped him from doing things. And what does he wish he could have done or would still like to do? Maybe he feels like he needs to be here for you and take care of you. And what could he start doing to have more of his own life and letting him know that you're okay. You appreciate him being here and part of your life, but you're okay. And it's okay for him to start to branch out. That would actually please you.

Chris Williams: And one other thing that I was going to mention here, there are three primary beliefs that we carry in the world, usually subconsciously, but they control us so much. The first one is what we believe about ourselves. The second is what we believe about people and the third is what we believe about the world.

So if I believe that for myself I'm not good enough, that people are bad, and the world is dangerous, you better believe I'm going to live a very, very small isolated life. And those are very common beliefs that usually are not overt, but they get in the messaging that we give like, "Oh, the world's a dangerous place, so we're trying to protect you from all this."

Well, I'm not here to deny the world's a dangerous place, but what if the world was an amazing place of great opportunity and God's abundance? That's a very different way to look at it. What if people are image-bearers of God that do carry some bad traits about them and are also wonderfully, fearfully made? What if I struggle with my own sin and my own things, and I'm an amazing person that God has put on this earth for a specific purpose? So when we start working through those beliefs and match it with our behaviors, our experience of the world, other people, and ourselves become very different.

Brian Perez: Betty, thank you for calling in today to New Life Live from New York, and thanks for watching and listening to us there on newlife.com. You know, we've got another round of New Life Courses beginning in about two months. These three courses start the week of August 10th. Which one are you doing this time? We have three of them: Take Your Life Back, Lose It for Life, and Healing Is a Choice.

These are online courses that meet for an hour a week for 12 weeks. You can get the descriptions of each of these under the group support tab on our website, newlife.com, or you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Again, they begin in August, so you still got a few weeks left and you can make a decision of which one you're going to go to. If you've already attended one of them or gone through one of the courses and you couldn't decide last time which one to attend, well, now you know which one to attend this time. The one you didn't attend last time.

So get the details at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. And on the most difficult days in your life, who did you call? Here at New Life, we take calls every day from people that are going through some of their worst situations. You've heard the calls this week, you've heard the calls just today. They call us looking for hope and a way forward, and because of the generous gifts of our supporters, we're able to connect them with Christ-centered resources that put them on a path of healing and restoration.

The result is marriages that are saved, addictions that are broken, relationships that are restored. All of it is for God's glory, and when you give, you're part of the transformation story. And when you give right now, your gift has double the impact because of a $300,000 matching gift. Brian, didn't you say last week it was 250? Yes, I did. I love that you guys pay so much attention. One of our already generous donors contributed another 50k. That person knows that we take our calling seriously.

Your turn to call in and make a difference. 1-800-NEW-LIFE is the number, or you can give at newlife.com, or my favorite way, text the word "match" to 28950. You can also send us a check. Find our new mailing address in the footer at our website, newlife.com. God bless you guys, have a great weekend, we'll see you at church on Sunday, and we'll talk to you here on Monday on New Life Live.

Voiceover: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.