New Life LIVE

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello everyone, welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we're going to be in the studio for two hours today, so start calling in now if you want to talk about grief or substance abuse and addiction, or maybe you're feeling on edge about something. We'd love to talk to you about it. 1-800-229-3000 is our number.

We've got licensed marriage and family therapist Mark Cameron here today. He's also an author of a book called Understanding Your Attachment Style. He also leads How We Love. And Becky Brown is here, too. She's a licensed professional clinical counselor and also the president of New Life Ministries. Becky, hello, welcome, and what's on your mind to start us off?

Becky Brown: Well, first of all, I'm a little distracted because you have stripes and I have polka dots. If you are watching on TV, and you're a solid, you're bringing in the middle there like Oreos.

But really, I'm wondering what's on your mind? What are you thinking about? What are you concerned for, dwelling on, frustrated about, or maybe overwhelmed? If you're like me, and many of you are, you immediately go into fix-it mode. What can I do? Who knows the way? Why hasn't it worked?

Sometimes we get stuck in the "why hasn't it worked?" We've tried everything, or it feels like we've tried everything, and the thing that we can't get off our mind just stays there, running around and causing us all kinds of grief, pain, and struggles.

Some of us think all we have to do—those are five of the most dangerous words that you could ever say because it's never just one thing. We may think if only—and then fill in the blank. If only that hadn't happened. If only it would have gone differently. Of course, that makes sense, except for it doesn't help you get forward in your mind.

Also, there's some of us that think all we need to do is pray. Now, you know, New Life, we are here, we are all about God. We love the Word of God, we believe in God, we believe in prayer. And we know that sometimes God uses people in our lives.

So when we take the stance of "all I need to do is pray about this thing," well, I want to challenge you. You might need to make a call. You could call us at 1-800-229-3000. Or it might be that you need to talk to a good friend, somebody who can remind you that they are there for you, that they can hear you.

Sometimes we get so stuck in our mind and our thinking we can't see another version of it. We have made the story from beginning to end. Sometimes we bypass God altogether because we are ashamed of what we've done. We're ashamed of our choices that we've made. And if God knew, then I'd be done for. Well, here's a newsflash: He knows, and He still loves you, and He's calling you to a new way of life.

Here's a saying for you: secrets make us sick. Regardless of if it's something we've done or if it's a worry we have or grief we carry, when we carry it on our minds and our hearts all the time, it does have an impact. Remember Dr. Lee Warren that was on our show about a month ago? He just reminds us that we can put our minds to better use as opposed to just letting those things overtake us.

The things that are on our mind, whether we're keeping them secret or we just can't find the words to share, impact more than our minds. It's kind of like when we say, "I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry." We need to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, like Romans 12:2 says.

But also, Philippians 4:6 says, "Don't be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, gratitude, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." So maybe whatever's on your mind today, you need to tell us, you need to talk about it, you need to take a step in the next direction. I'm not even going to say "right" because you might haggle over that word, too, but call us. We're here for you.

Brian Perez: Yes, we are.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Becky Brown mentioned Dr. Lee Warren who was on the show just a few weeks ago and his book is available in the newlife.com store. It's called The Life-Changing Art of Brain Surgery. Something else that's in our New Life store is digital downloads. They are now available there. So if you ever missed one of the webinars that we've done in the past, you can find it now in the newlife.com store, so check that out.

1-800-229-3000 is our number and we're going to begin our time on the phones with Jake in Dallas, Texas, who listens to New Life LIVE on a podcast. Hey there, Jake, thanks for calling us today at 1-800-229-3000.

Jake: Hello sir. How are you all doing?

Brian Perez: Doing well, thanks. How are you? What prompted your phone call?

Jake: I'm pretty good. I have kind of a different living situation. It's not out of the ordinary, maybe it is, but I live with my mom. I'm newly 21. She smokes pot every day. I'm not judging her for it. She can do what she wants.

I live with her and I don't smoke. I used to, but not a long time ago or anything. I smoked earlier this year just out of stress, out of wanting to. My friends did it, but now I don't. I haven't for months. But she still smokes in the house, outside of the house, all the time, every day.

I live with her. I go to work every day in the morning and I come home in the afternoon and then she's just hanging out at the house. She's in her late 60s, so she doesn't work anymore. She just hangs out. But the house smells like pot when I come home.

I don't not talk to her because of it. I don't have an issue with her doing it. She's an adult, she can make her decision. But I don't know if it's something that will affect my future or my relationship with her because I don't want to sit in the room with her while she's smoking or while the house smells like pot.

I'm moving out in a year, probably within a year. So I don't know if it's something that...

Becky Brown: Jake, I just want to know what conversations you've had with her about this up to this point.

Jake: She knows that I do not do it anymore. We've talked. I've told her, "Hey, I don't do it anymore." She's like, "Okay, I won't do it when you're in the room." I'm like, "Okay, that's fine by me. I'll go sit in my room."

But it doesn't make me have the urge or anything. I haven't really talked about her not doing it. It's not that I don't want her to enjoy whatever she wants to do. I'm just kind of stuck on, should I just get away from it and let her do whatever, or should I try to make her stop?

Brian Perez: Plus I also hear that pain of "I don't have a relationship with my mom because that's what she does, the house smells like that, I just want to be out of the room."

Jake: I'd say I have an okay relationship, but I do distance myself to an extent. It's not something that I'm completely new to whatsoever. It's not something that I'm like, "Oh, that's disgusting." I won't sit in the room with her or anything. I'll just go hang out in my room and do whatever. I'm also 21, so I don't need to sit there with my mom all the time. But I do share the same house.

Becky Brown: Well, but Jake, you were mentioning that you're planning to move out in about a year. So if this is a problem right now, it's going to be a problem for the next year, right?

Jake: Yes.

Becky Brown: And just like with any roommate situation, even though I know it's your mom, there's discussions about how we live together. I hear that you don't want to judge her. I hear that you don't feel bad about her or don't want her to feel bad about herself. I hear all of that.

And there's this big smoke screen in the room. You don't want to be with her. And then even if you're smelling like that going to work, I think that that would be a problem as well.

Jake: I do work for my dad and he knows my living situation. He's 40 years sober from it and he does know. So I get a lot of insight from my dad. And he knows what I deal with day-to-day and he's like, "Yeah, that's not really cool. But you can't control her." And I'm like, "Yeah, I can't." But I do see what you all are saying. It's going to be a problem for the year. It's not, "Oh, I'll just deal with it till I move out." No, it'll still be an issue.

Mark Cameron: Jake, do you know why your mom uses? And does she act differently? And then what's bothersome about all of this for you?

Jake: Why does she use? Well, she used to have to sneak it because my dad didn't approve of it. And she didn't do it for a long time and then my parents split up about three years ago, four years ago now. And she just kind of started doing it every day since then. I had never seen her do it before then, so it was completely new to me. I'd hide it from her before I knew she did it. And I was like, "Wait, you do this?"

And I got out of high school and I was still doing it with my friends and stuff. And then at the beginning of the year, I just stopped doing it. It was making me feel a certain way. It affected my appetite and stuff. It was just not good for you.

But I don't see her act a different way. Her health's not the best. It's almost just like she has to do it. It's an addiction, of course. I don't see a drastic change in her mental. She's on a lot of medications as well. She has heart problems and stuff. So she kind of does it as, "Oh, I need it. I need a hit." So she's addicted.

Becky Brown: Well, but Jake, what you're talking about, you're saying on one hand you're saying you're okay, like "I understand she's got to do her thing or whatever." But at the same time, what you just said, you're talking about how concerned you are for your mom, not just about the pot smoking but also about her detachment from life.

So I think that's where I would start. I wouldn't start with, "Mom, you've got to quit smoking pot," although that could be the end result. But I think a really sensitive heart-to-heart, and not trying to settle it all in the first conversation.

So it may sound something like, when you get home from work, "Hey Mom, how you doing?" She'll say, "Fine," because that's what we do. And then have some time where you can say, "I'm just concerned. I want to make sure that you're feeling okay, if there's anything that I can do." I'm just saying you have to start somewhere.

And then you can say, "Would it be okay if when you smoke pot, that you do it in your room or outside? Because when I go to work, I don't want to smell like that." I don't know if that is a little bit too aggressive, but I just think that the conversation has to start somewhere. And your concern for her is actually keeping you from connecting with her. It's like you're trying to make it okay, but at the same time, I don't know what to do. And it could be for such a time as this, Jake, that you're living with her and that you could be that very person to speak life into her, not trying to fix her, not to make her different, but just moving in that direction.

Jake: I think that's great. The fact that she knows that it... I wouldn't say bothers me, but she'll say that before I do. I'll come home with my girlfriend or something and she's just sitting there smoking or whatever and I'll go to my room right away. I'll say, "Hello, what's up?" and I'll go to my room, not necessarily because of that, just because I'm going to my room to decompress after work. But I'll go to my room and she'll come in there and she's like, "Hey, sorry, sorry, I know you don't want to be around that." And I didn't even say anything.

Becky Brown: Right, but Jake, she is assuming that. She's feeling bad. she's feeling shame without saying it. That's why she's chasing you down. She does want to be connected with you. And the fact that when you open the door and she's like, "Oh, I'm so sorry," and you're kind of off to the races... That's why a good conversation can lead to a better relationship no matter what the situation is. And you've got to start somewhere.

Mark Cameron: Yeah, Jake, it sounds like there's not a lot of honest communication between the two of you. And I wonder if you're giving your mom a confusing message because even when you talk to us here about what's going on, you talk about how it's bothersome for you, but then you say, "Well, but I get why she does it, she's an adult, she can do what she wants to do."

And so I wonder if that comes out in your communication with your mom. I would guess that it's probably not as honest for each of you as it could be and as you're hoping and desiring it to be. So I think Becky's on the right track of being able to be clear and just think about what is it that I want? What is it that bothers me about this? What's my concern for my mom? And instead of thinking from the other side of, "Well, she's an adult, she can do what she wants to do," just let her know, "Hey, this bothers me, Mom, I'm concerned about you and I want to have a better, stronger relationship. And when you smoke, I don't like the smell and so that keeps me disconnected from you and I want to be more connected to you. What can we do to have a more connected relationship?" And I wonder if you can be that clear and that direct with her, what that might open up in your communication and relationship with her.

Brian Perez: Jake, we've got a tip sheet that we want to send you so stay on the phone and we'll get that to you. It's called Common Struggles of Adult Children of Addicts. We'll also put that in the show notes if you're watching us online, Facebook, or YouTube. Plus a couple of articles on our website newlife.com: Understanding and Loving a Family Member with Alcohol or Drug Addiction, and Four Tough Love Tips: How to Help a Loved One with Alcohol or Drug Addiction.

Becky Brown: And can I put a little buffer in there too because Jake's going to hear that and go, "She's not addicted, I don't mean to paint her as this awful person." But here's what I do know: we're trying to skirt around the thing that is keeping us from connecting. And so Jake, those tip sheets, that information will help you understand how powerful it is, the relationship we have with people who are so close to us yet so far away. And we're praying for a great connection with you and your mom.

Jake: Yeah, a little bit. I'm just at lunch at work. So yeah, I wanted to call and my dad told me, "You know what, if you ever got anything, just call them." Hopefully, this would be on the podcast. I'd love to listen over to it. That'd be great.

Brian Perez: For sure. All of our episodes are available as podcasts. And thank you so much for calling in today, Jake. Time well spent on your lunch break, I would say. Here on New Life LIVE 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today and we're going to be here for two hours. Let's go to Alex who is in Saginaw, Michigan, listens to us on SiriusXM Channel 131. Hey there, Alex, welcome to New Life LIVE.

Alex: Hi guys, thanks for being there and appreciate the good work that you do. I'm dealing with a unique set of circumstances as far as my 30-year-old son. He got a divorce a few years ago and his ex-wife has really been on a mission to try to just do parental alienation against him really bad.

A couple of years ago, we learned from one of her close friends that broke her friendship off with his ex-wife that she was coaching the children to say inappropriate things to falsely accuse their father to Child Protective Services. I didn't go looking for this individual to call me. We were kind of dissociating ourselves from her. And the next thing I know, she called and she said, "Hey, I really got some serious stuff I got to tell you."

So we're trying to figure out... my son's about to get his kids back after not seeing them for two years. And we're like, "What should we be expecting and how to deal with the kids and what someone has been coaching into them?"

Brian Perez: Those are great questions, Alex. We'll tackle them when we come back from the break here on New Life LIVE. Thanks so much for calling 1-800-229-3000. We are going to be in the studio for two hours today. So whatever it is you're struggling with, maybe you can call on behalf of a friend or loved one too. You can use a fake name if you want because we just want you to get the help you need. So call in to New Life LIVE. We've been doing this for dozens of years now and we're so grateful that you put your trust in us. 1-800-229-3000 is the number and we'll be right back here on New Life LIVE.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, visit newlife.com. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Okay, back to Alex in Saginaw, Michigan. Still with us, Alex?

Alex: Yes.

Brian Perez: Awesome. Mark?

Mark Cameron: So Alex, what's your question for us?

Alex: Well, considering the severity of the coaching that we were told by the witness that experienced it, thank God that in some instances she was taking video and gave this to Child Protective Services and police enforcement and they immediately dropped everything. It took some time.

But now moving forward, there's a trial date set for his ex-wife coming up on November 3rd. The trial's not for false accusations. The only way that false accusations could have been reversed and she could have gone to jail for that is if the prosecuting attorney's office would have went through and put it in front of a judge and the judge heard the case.

The minute the judge would have heard the case, then she would have been subject to prosecution, but it never went that far because the witness came forward and gave testimony.

The trial now is at this point since he never lost his parenting rights and he never lost his visitation rights, the judge is saying to his ex-wife, "You've been obstructional and you've been preventing him from seeing his children. You've been not making any effort to correct this or have a discussion to where visitation can be rearranged and he can see his kids again." The judge knows how bad that she's been obstructional and that she has been preventing it.