New Life LIVE

New Life: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello my friends, it's Brian Perez. Welcome to another edition of New Life LIVE. If you need relationship advice, advice that makes your peace the priority, call in for the next two hours at 1-800-229-3000. That's how long Chris and Becky will be here to help you today.

Chris Williams is a licensed marriage and family therapist, while Becky Brown is a licensed professional clinical counselor and the president of New Life Ministries. Becky, take it away. What's on your mind to start us off today?

Becky Brown: Well, first of all, I want to call out the elephant in the room. We are in a new space. If you're watching on YouTube, you see the differences, and we are continuing to change and move ahead. We're so excited what God's doing through New Life.

May is mental health month. Somebody, somewhere said, "Let's celebrate mental health during the month of May," and we're doing it. We do that every single day. If you listen to New Life LIVE, you know that we hear really hard questions where people are in really difficult places: marriage, anxiety, addiction, family, loneliness, all of those things that we hear about.

But if you listen closely, the questions are all pointing to something deeper: their mental and emotional state. But here's what's interesting. When we hear the phrase "mental health," it can sound heavy, like something is wrong or broken. But what if that's not the best way to think about it?

The truth is, every one of us has a mental state every single day. It's not neutral. We're either moving toward health or something less healthy. So when someone calls in and says, "I'm overwhelmed," or "I'm stuck," or "I can't stop these thoughts," they're not the only ones dealing with that. They're just the ones brave enough to say it out loud.

Whether we call in or not, we're all managing our thoughts, our reactions, our inner world every single day. Mental health isn't just about crisis. It's about how you're doing right now. Are your thoughts grounded in truth or are they pulled toward fear? Are you experiencing peace or constant pressure? Are you connected or are you isolating?

These are questions for all of us, and this is where faith becomes very practical. God doesn't leave us alone in our thoughts. Scripture invites us to renew our minds, which is the core verse for New Life, which is Romans 12:1-2. Also, 2 Corinthians 10:5 tells us to take our thoughts captive. And then Philippians 4:8 to focus on what is true and life-giving.

That's not just spiritual language; that's daily direction. Because when we begin to center our thinking on Christ, even in small ways, things start to shift—not instantly, but consistently. And that's what you hear happening here on New Life LIVE. People call in with real struggles, but they're not just given quick answers.

Rarely do we say, "All you have to do," because we know that there's so much more to do. They're invited into a process: a process of honesty, truth, support, and change. That same kind of help is available beyond the calls. We've got all kinds of resources here at New Life that we want to get you connected with. It's counseling, workshops, groups, and it's not just managing behavior, but transforming how you think and live.

Real change doesn't happen all at once; it happens daily, one day at a time. So maybe it's time to rethink mental health. It's not a negative label. It's something you're actively living in right now. You're moving in a direction. And if listening to these callers has ever made you think, "That sounds like me," that's not by accident; that's an invitation. Take a step toward something that's healthier. You can take that step today by calling us. How can they reach us, Brian?

Brian Perez: Let me tell you, Becky. The number is 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be here in the studio for two hours and we would love to hear from you. Becky Brown and Chris Williams will be answering your questions. Becky, really quick, what were those Bible verses again? The references in case people want to look them up?

Becky Brown: Romans 12:1-2, which is the core verse for New Life, 2 Corinthians 10:5, and Philippians 4:8. There's a bunch more where those came from.

Brian Perez: That is true. All right, we're going to take a quick break and then we'll be back with your phone calls and the questions that you submit online. 1-800-229-3000 is the number, so call in to New Life LIVE.

New Life: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: My friends, you are in for a treat tomorrow. Longtime friend of New Life Ministries, Dr. Henry Cloud, will join us to answer your questions and discuss his newest book, "Your Desired Future: The Five Essential Steps That Take You Where You Want To Go." It explores how people move from where they are to where they truly want to be by building vision, strategy, and practical steps for lasting change.

Join us tomorrow, the 6th of May. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We've got Chris Williams and Becky Brown here. Let's go right to the phones, beginning with Ruth in Orlando, who is listening to us on newlife.com. Hey Ruth, welcome to New Life LIVE.

Ruth: Thank you. I listen to your show whenever I can, almost every day. I'm hoping you can give me some guidance. I've hesitated to call, but I have two daughters. They're both in their 50s now. The oldest one has a great relationship. She lives 80 miles away round trip.

The other one, the youngest one, we don't have a great relationship, and she lives maybe four miles down the street. She's been divorced, has two children, and been remarried. I don't know why this has occurred since she did get married. I know she had a really rough time. Her husband was cheating on her, and then she's remarried now.

Throughout this period of time, she has been so on and off with me and also my husband, who just passed away in September. I don't know—there's nothing that particularly triggers it that I know, but I can give you what happened the other day. It's the most amazing thing.

She says she's going to be coming over for Christmas, like the night before, that kind of thing. She doesn't respond well to invitations. The other day, the light went out in my car, and I had been mentioning it to them because I don't know how to fix it. My husband did everything. Her husband knows how to do everything, especially on cars.

I'd asked twice during the day if he could just put the bulb in for me. There was no real response. About 6:00, I ran by their house and basically said, "Please, please, please put my light on. I don't want to get a ticket." I was met with such hostility. It just blew me away. It was like they're sending me a message. I've got to get this message. I'm almost 80.

Chris Williams: Ruth, just a quick question. How long has your daughter been like this? These patterns where she won't respond until late, she doesn't make plans, and doesn't follow through in a timely manner?

Ruth: There's been episodes where she was when she was first married and had her boys. If there was something bad going on, she didn't necessarily want to let her mom know, although I did help her in lots and lots of ways. Her husband—I hate to use the phrase—is a bit of a know-it-all. He's a smart guy. He's pleasant.

But if she and I have a conversation, maybe something happened at work to her and she wanted to explain it to me or whatever, he jumps in and speaks in the first person, if you know what I mean.

Chris Williams: And kind of takes over the conversation?

Ruth: Yeah, like it happened to him.

Chris Williams: I think there really is this competition inside of you right now between expectations—and I'm not saying they're bad expectations or wrong, I'm just saying there's the expectations versus the reality. Ruth, it sounds like you're in a much more vulnerable position right now, especially since the loss of your husband.

That's not just more vulnerable in taking care of everyday life. I can imagine that that would be vulnerable to loneliness or relationship and being around people. So your need for your daughter and your need for help has increased. It also sounds like the reality on the other side is that your daughter in this new marriage is now establishing a new or different reality.

Your needs and their reality are not matching up whatsoever. I don't quite understand or know, there would have to be a lot more work behind their reaction to you the other night, but I do believe that there needs to be a redefining of the relationship. They need to know a little bit more about where you're at and you need to know a little bit more about where they're at.

Hopefully, my hope is that we can come to the middle in that and figure out a new rhythm to the relationship. I also think that as it may be, there's ideal versus real. You have an ideal of it. There may need to be some adjustment to what they're capable or willing to do rather than what you would like them to do. Ongoing conversation around that is the most ideal situation to figure out what works for them and what works for you.

Ruth: Here's the thing. It's not just me. Her sister has been so generous to her. When she went through her divorce, it's unbelievable what she did for her sister, and she was able to do it, but I'm sure it was a financial sacrifice, too. But she doesn't have any contact with her sister.

She doesn't have any contact with her sons. They have turned out to be pretty rotten, but I still keep in contact with them because they're my grandsons. Then she has three great-grandchildren and has no contact with them. I had one of her friends call me because she knew I was distressed about her not having a relationship with me. She said, "It's not you. It's her. She upset the whole office."

Chris Williams: Well, Ruth, that could very well be the case, but what you don't want to do in your relationship with your daughter is leverage everyone else's relationship. Certainly, she—I'm not denying that she can't be in a pattern that is relationally unhealthy or potentially damaging.

What you want to do is, in a conversation with her and trying to work it out with her, is take out everyone else. Just be like, "Hey, this is your mom. This is me. This is you. Let's work through this. Let's talk through this," if that's possible. Becky, what are your thoughts?

Becky Brown: I hear the pain that you have. There's a saying in recovery that acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. Just like what Chris is saying, we have to watch people's behavior and then learn from it. I think it might be good for you to talk with a therapist to release some of this frustration.

You cannot believe the astonishment that your own daughter who lives right down the road would not be connected with you. I understand that. I hear you. This is a pattern, like Chris was saying. It's a pattern that you've seen. So I think if you talk with somebody, they will be able to help you unload some of this astonishment—this "I cannot believe that this has happened" or "this is how she does her life" or "that they don't help me"—so that you can connect with her in a way that there is a connection.

It won't be what you expect it to be, but it will be some sort of a way to stay in her life. I know the audience is probably going, "Becky, she should be nice to her." Yes, she should, and she hasn't been up to this point, so what are you going to do? Are you just going to keep demanding it? I don't think that works so well.

But I think that you can get a clearer perspective so that when the light bulb goes out on your car, you know that they're not the ones that you're going to go to. Yes, it's sad; yes, it's disappointing, but it is also acceptance. This is our relationship, and I have to be able to accept where they're at so that I'm not in a state of frustration and irritation all the time.

Brian Perez: I think Dr. Jim Burns' book, "Doing Life with Your Adult Children," would be good for Ruth to look into. We have it available in the newlife.com store. Dr. Jim's new book is in there too; it's called "When Your Child Strays." You can find out more about that at newlife.com or by calling us here at 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

If you want to talk to Chris and Becky, it's a different number; it's 1-800-229-3000. Is this line ready? It doesn't say the name. Hold on here, let me pull it up. I'm having trouble pushing my buttons here. Hello, caller, you're on the air.

Bruce: Hi, Brian. How are you?

Brian Perez: Doing well. Who's this?

Bruce: Dr. Chris, good to talk to you too. Ruth, yes. Bruce!

Brian Perez: Bruce! Hello!

Bruce: Hello! I'm calling to wish my wife, my wonderful wife, happy anniversary for 42 years.

Becky Brown: That's my Bruce! Yay! Thanks, honey.

Bruce: After this phone call, it won't be 42 and no more because—

Becky Brown: No!

Chris Williams: Bruce, I miss you, man. How are you?

Bruce: It's going good, man. It's going good. 42 years.

Chris Williams: That's awesome. Bruce, I have a question. Because I've been able to spend some time with you and Becky, I've seen you interact. I've seen the way that you guys move about in the world. What I see when I see you guys move about in the world is that you guys complement each other so unbelievably well.

You are very different people, different personalities, sometimes different perspectives. But those differences—I'm sure in the marriage you got plenty of stories of where they compete—but the way that you guys show up in the world is they complement each other rather than compete against each other.

I want to know—this is selfish on my part, Bruce—how in the world have you and Becky been able to work out a flourishing marriage where you're able to really take your differences, which sometimes can feel like sandpaper, and smooth them out into something beautiful?

Bruce: It sounds simplistic, but you take time away when you're in a debate. At some point, you just have to go, "Is this a hill that I'm going to die on? Is this an issue that's going to tear my relationship with my wife?"

I can't think of one time where I've stepped away and said, "Yep, this is it. I'm done with this. No more. This is going to be my way or the highway." It's not that way. It's working together. We're friends besides being husband and wife. We work through things together.

I'd like to say it's 50/50, but as you guys know, it's not. But I'm happy with that. I love our relationship. We could do a whole show on just how to do that.

Becky Brown: No! No, we couldn't!

Chris Williams: See, right there? Right there? That's what I'm talking about. I actually agree with Mark on this one, Becky.

Bruce: So I guess we won't be, okay. But I tell you, it's great, and I appreciate the opportunity. You guys do a great job. New Life has changed our lives. Happy anniversary.

Becky Brown: Happy anniversary, Bruce.

Brian Perez: Happy anniversary, Bruce and Becky. 42 years. Can you even believe that? That's amazing.

Chris Williams: If I could just sum up real quickly what I heard Bruce say very clearly is that in all of the issues, he kept the priority the priority, which is choose love. Just choose love.

Brian Perez: 42 years. Congratulations, you two. I don't think I've ever heard someone so happy and so excited to wish their spouse a happy anniversary like that. That was beautiful, man. Thanks, Bruce. God bless you too. Here's to another 42 years from your friends at New Life LIVE.

New Life: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: We are back on New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today. I'm Brian Perez, here with licensed marriage and family therapist Chris Williams and licensed professional clinical counselor Becky Brown. We're going to go back to the phones and speak with Maria, who listens to us on KWRD. Welcome, Maria, to New Life LIVE. Thanks for calling 1-800-229-3000.

Maria: Thank you for talking to me.

Brian Perez: Of course. How can we help you?

Maria: This is what I'm having problems with, or my situation, I should say. My husband died on September 2024. We were married 46 years. Apparently, in 2016, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I just couldn't believe it.

My husband was a very intelligent, good, educated, healthy guy. I just couldn't believe that somebody like that would have Alzheimer's. He said to me when he met me, "I used to go to school and I never studied, and when the teacher gave me an exam, I aced it."

One time he said he was out a couple of weeks from school and went back to school and he had a test and he aced it. The teacher went and told his mother, "I can't believe that he's out for a couple of weeks and he aced this exam." He says, "Emmy, I never studied for anything for school or college or anything. I just put my mind when the teacher taught. When I was doing the test, I put my mind when the teacher taught us that and then that's how I did my exam." It was overwhelming for me.

I could not believe it. I mean, somebody that walked every day, that read books—when he was seven years old, he didn't know English and he said he bought the newspaper and he learned by reading the newspaper every day. It was amazing. Anyway, when he died, I was overwhelmed. I was very lonely.

After a while, I had someone that came over and says, "Hey, how come I haven't seen you?" and all that. I said, "Well, my husband had died." So that's how he invited me. I said, "We can have coffee." He said, "No, I'll take you to coffee." He couldn't go to coffee on a Monday when he was going to take me, and then he says, "Oh, let's go for dinner today because I'm hungry and I cannot do it until Tuesday." I said, "Okay." So this is how it started, the relationship, I guess. We were going out together.

Brian Perez: That was my next question: if you guys are in a relationship now.

Maria: Until recently in March. Somehow I went traveling to Florida and when I came back, we see each other. After that, a couple of days later, he didn't call me. I called him. I sent a message. I said, "Hello, please call me back. I don't know why you don't answer my call" and all that.

Then the next couple of days, I sent another message: "Hey, I'm worrying about you. I want to talk to you. Please give me a call. I need to talk to you about something that I need to discuss with you."

Brian Perez: Did he ever call back? What's your main question for us?

Maria: He never called back. But I went a couple of days later—I went to his house. He was like, "What are you doing here?" and "You didn't call." Well, I said, "You're not answering my call. I was concerned. I thought something had happened to you."

The thing is that I'm overwhelmed. It seems like I was so vulnerable to this that I must have fallen in love with this guy. I need him. My stomach hurts; my heart—he broke my heart. I think he broke my heart. I don't know how to deal with this. I have spoken to him other times and he says, "Oh, you know." The last thing he did was two weeks ago and he said, "I'll let you know." I said, "Is it something that I did? Was I too clingy for you?"

Chris Williams: Maria, I am so sorry. This is incredibly heartbreaking because it does sound like, first and foremost, he pursued you. You are already in a vulnerable place soon after you're widowed. This new relationship comes into your life. You develop it.

We don't have much backstory on the nature of the relationship, meaning how much did you know about his history, how much did he know about your history, what were the relational patterns, whatever the case may be. But regardless, this relationship immediately ended. That is incredibly heartbreaking and incredibly confusing.

We hear the music, so we'll have to come back to this after the break, but I want to say this because I think this is true for all of us. When something suddenly happens, whether it be like someone ghosts us or someone ends a relationship and there's no explanation, it is like someone gives us blank pieces of paper that we write really bad stories on.

I want us to be careful about the stories that we write on those blank pieces of paper and how we make meaning out of something so painful without explanation. That's a really difficult task.

Brian Perez: Hear what Becky's advice is for Maria when we come back from the break here on New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000 is the number. We'd love for you to call in and speak with Chris and Becky.

Becky Brown: Hello, it's Becky Brown. I am so excited to launch our 99 For The One partner initiative. Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways.

It reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing.

99 For The One is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or newlife.com/9941.

New Life: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Let's bring Maria back on. Maria, sorry that we had to cut off the conversation, but we had to go to break. Thanks for calling us today at 1-800-229-3000. Want to hear from Becky Brown as well on what she would say to you. I just have a really quick question, Maria. Why was he so upset that you showed up at his house unannounced? He's not married or anything, is he?

Maria: No, he was divorced apparently twice. He had been married and divorced.

Becky Brown: Maria, when you were telling us about your husband who passed away from Alzheimer's and even how smart he was as a young man, then the disbelief: how could such a smart man have Alzheimer's? How did that even happen?

That disbelief, the overwhelm, the astonishment, and then how quickly he passed after a long marriage together—it is disorienting, to say the least. You waited. It wasn't like you ran right into the arms of somebody else. But when somebody paid attention to you, you were ready to connect with somebody.

When he ghosts you, like what Chris just said, again we're back at the place where I cannot believe this happened. What happened? You're feeling all of that. I love what you said, Chris, about how Maria is writing on this blank piece of paper all the things. What I want you to pay attention to is: Have I done my own healing work so that I can not judge myself for the people that I connect with?

Because that's what you're doing. You weren't wrong in connecting with this person. He was acting interested; you had a connection there. You didn't do anything wrong. It was his dropping off of the connection. That was what was wrong. It's partly connecting with your grief process.

We all have grief; we all go through it in different ways. But it was very significant that you started the call about the grief of your husband and his life experience, and the real problem is this disconnect here. I just think you have some grief work to do, Maria.

Maria: What happened is that we live close to each other, and it's been like I call it "too close for comfort." I probably jumped in it and I was probably vulnerable because my husband—I'm blaming myself for everything like he said.

Becky Brown: I know. That's why I'm telling you that you didn't do anything wrong, Maria. What I want you to understand is that you weren't misreading him. He changed the way that things were going to go without letting you know about it. That happens in relationships of all different kinds.

We just talked to our earlier caller about her daughter's relationship with her. But what's important is for you not to think negatively of yourself and just recognize: okay, he's not interested. I can be a friendly neighbor, say hi, and go on about my business.

Chris Williams: Well, and Becky, this is something because I think there's a couple things you pointed out that are really important. The things that have happened to you, Maria, are bewildering and overwhelming. There's a part of all of this that—we have blind spots as human beings, and that's why we need each other.

I want you to continue to—Becky mentioned continued grief work. I think if there's a GriefShare near you, that would be a great group to get involved in. Many churches have those. I also think to keep building friendships around you so that you have more than just your eyes on your relationships. When we're in a relationship, love is blind, and other people can help us see things that we may not see. My guess is that this guy had hints and signs of this type of abandonment behavior, whether it be current or in his history.

The other aspect of this is that there's this really strong subtle control mechanism inside of us called self-blame and self-shame. What it does is that when other people do something, or the world, or just kind of a tragedy happens and it hurts us, it causes pain and fear that's outside of our control.

There's something inside of us that can't deal with the fact that it's outside of our control. We can't understand how an unbelievably together and intelligent man can lose his mental faculties in Alzheimer's and then eventually pass away, or that some other guy just leaves out of nowhere.

What we tend to do is we tend to blame ourselves because that gives us a subtle sense of control. "If I was different, this would be different." But that's actually not true. That's where that grief work, as well as what we talked about earlier, acceptance work, which is the final stage of grief, comes in. There are many more stages to work through in the midst of that.

The blame stage is something that you're in right now that I would love for you to continue to do your grief work to work out of so that you don't hold yourself on the hook for somebody else's poor behavior.

Becky Brown: Right. It's so powerful too. Maria, you're going to have to catch yourself when you're saying things like, "I should have done something different." You even were careful with the connection with him. It wasn't like your husband's been gone a few years and it was a quick response.

Chris, to your point, we all do that. I think part of it is because it gives us a sense of control. If I can blame myself for this, then I have some sort of perceived control when the reality is relationships don't run like that. We don't have control over the other person. It doesn't work like that. Maria, it's very important for you at this point don't stay in that bewilderment state. I love that word.

Brian Perez: Yeah, bewildered, that was a great word to use. So often we use "overwhelmed" or something like that, but "bewildered" is just like a whole other level.

Chris Williams: This is where the strength of our faith, the strength of our spirituality comes into play. There are so many times in life that bewilderment happens to us or we find ourselves there. The question I like to ask myself, and I like to ask other people in this world of maybe chaos or overwhelm or bewilderment, is: What do you know that you know that you know?

One of the things I come back to is like, well, I know that I believe in, serve, and there is the God of the universe who is a God of love. I'm going to hold on—that's going to be my anchor point today. I'm going to allow myself to both be bewildered and to hold on to something that's strong and certain and eternal.

Brian Perez: Maria, thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE. We're going to send you a grief webinar registration as well, so stay on the phone. That's happening on July 16th to be exact, and we're going to send you a free registration for that. Just stay on the phone and we'll get you connected with that, and also connect you with a life recovery group there in your area.

We'll also put a link in the show notes for anyone watching us right now who wants information on that grief webinar happening July 16th. It'll be hosted by Becky Brown and presented by our friend Dr. Alice Benton. So mark your calendars July 16th for that grief webinar.

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1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today. We'll be here for the rest of this hour and all of next. Eric in Dallas, who listens to us on SiriusXM channel 131, welcome to New Life LIVE.

Eric: Thanks for having me. My question was—well, I'll just tell the story, short version. Mother passed away. Prior to her passing away, we had a very heated and very diminishing argument, and I said a lot of very, very rough things to her.

The argument got even more heated and I just got in the flesh and just bombarded her. I never got a chance to reconcile that argument and those terms with her. Four days later she passed away and I never talked to her again. That was the last thing that I had spoken to her on this earth. How do you navigate that kind of forgiveness?

Brian Perez: Man, that is a great question, Eric. We're sorry for your loss, but thanks for calling in to ask Becky and Chris how they can help you, and I know they can. We're going to be in the studio for another hour after this one. If you've got a question for Chris or Becky, 1-800-229-3000 is our number.

We can't wait to hear from you. If you're watching us online on Facebook or YouTube, you can call in as well because we want to give you some really good advice, free advice too. 1-800-229-3000. You can even use a different name if you don't want to use yours.

New Life: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Let's go back to Eric in Texas, listening to us on SiriusXM channel 131. He had a big argument with his mom and then she passed away four days later and now he's not only grieving his mom but just the fact that that interaction was almost the last memory that he has of her. Again, Eric, we're really sorry for your loss. Becky, go ahead.

Becky Brown: It's so sad, Eric. I can feel the weight that this is weighing on you. How do we resolve something that feels like it cannot be resolved? I'm wondering, do we still have Eric with us?

Eric: Yes.

Becky Brown: Do you have siblings or anybody else that knows about the argument?

Eric: Oh yes, I do.

Becky Brown: Have you talked with them about it, Eric?

Eric: I have.

Becky Brown: And what do they say?

Eric: They're all younger siblings and didn't have the responsibilities that I had dealing with the situation with our mother at the time. By the way, this happened in 2013.

Becky Brown: Wow. You've been carrying it a long time.

Eric: Yeah.

Becky Brown: Eric, the question I would have—it sounds like mom may have been a little bit challenging in relationships. Is that right?

Eric: She was challenging with relationships and addiction and a lot of things.

Becky Brown: Now you've been carrying it this long because it goes back to what we just said to Maria. There's something that we get—the control that we feel when we carry things that really aren't ours to carry. I'm not saying that you didn't maybe say things that were unkind in the moment of reaction.

Especially if it was years of addiction and struggle—if you've ever been in a relationship with somebody where they struggle with addiction over and over again and it falls on you to handle the residue, it's so painful.

I hear you. Eric, have you been able to do anything, like talk to a counselor or go to a grief group? Okay, but you're still stuck in this place. Eric, you've carried this long enough, and it's time to surrender. Surrender will be forgiving mom for whatever she did that started the whole mess, accepting forgiveness of yourself from God, because he's already forgiven you, and moving in that path.

It's easy to say, but this is what we talk about in Life Recovery groups. It's one day at a time, one step at a time. Move towards that place where I know that I did the best that I could at the time. I could have maybe done better, but I'm going to ruin my present and my future by continuing to carry something that I cannot do anything more about.

That is the challenge of acceptance. I'm going to suggest that you get into that process because 13 years is a long time to carry that burden.

Chris Williams: To go with exactly what Becky was saying, that surrender is critically important. But the surrender is also very complicated because when we grow up in addicted homes, we end up taking on more responsibility and therefore more blame.

You had a moment in time where you then unloaded on your mom. She passed away. Now you have complicated grief. But I would say this: the complication of your grief happened before that moment. You needed a mom, and because of her struggles in life, she wasn't able to show up as the mom that you actually needed.

I mention that just because you then grieve the mom that you never got, including the mom that you did have. In the midst of all of that, that just gives you an idea of the complication. But if you're in my office, man, we'd be doing an empty chair where you'd be talking directly to your mom and working through it until you can find that place.

If I could take a leap of faith here, it's to understand that your mom did love you, but her love was incomplete because it got hijacked by addiction, maybe got hijacked by her own story and pain. The other aspect of that is to understand that your mom wants nothing more than for you to move on and discover more thriving, more health, and more happiness in your life, and she's leaving you off the hook.

When we grow up in homes of addiction, we take on a lot of self-responsibility and self-blame. One of the most powerful yet difficult aspects in our recovery, whether it be grief recovery, recovery from addiction, or divorce, is self-forgiveness. It is receiving the forgiveness of God but also partnering with the forgiveness of God and leaving ourselves off the hook.

It doesn't mean that we don't take responsibility for what we've done. It doesn't mean we don't take responsibility for our words. We absolutely do. But we also release that. That's the surrender part. We release that to God. God, you are making this good, you are making this right as you're continuing to redeem me and grow me and develop me into something different.

Getting stuck and locked in this moment of time of this hurt that can't be undone is not a way to move forward. I just think that there's more to do underneath all of that. Looking into therapists who do experiential or somatic work that allow you to enter into a deeper work to release this out of your body more than just your mind, you would achieve more full freedom in forgiveness and moving forward.

I don't say this only for you, Eric; I say this for all of us and all the listeners out there. Forgiveness sometimes gets confused with not taking responsibility. I want to say that that is such a cheaper—it's not even forgiveness. Forgiveness is the fact that we own the responsibility. There is no forgiveness and grace without saying that there's something that's off, something that's wrong, something that needs to be corrected, or damage that has occurred. We own that and we release it at the same time and allow love to come back into our life in a new and fresh way.

Brian Perez: Eric, thanks for calling in to New Life LIVE. We're going to send you a grief webinar registration as well, so stay on the phone. That's happening on July 16th. Oh, go ahead, Becky.

Becky Brown: Brian, I just want Eric to participate in our "Take Your Life Back" course, and we can give him information about that. What you're talking about, Chris, is that codependency that comes in when we're in a relationship with addiction. It is such an impact on our life.

He mentioned his siblings didn't take the responsibility like he had to. It's exactly what you were talking about, Chris. We just want to help you, Eric, to move forward and to get free. That's what your mom would want for you. It's hard to carry that burden for too much longer. Let's let that go.

Brian Perez: 13 years is way too long. I'd say 13 more minutes is way too long. Call in. We're going to be in the studio for another hour. 1-800-229-3000. Lorna, we're going to talk to you in just a little bit.

People call in every day to New Life LIVE to talk about things that happened recently or that happened several years ago that they're still struggling with. We are here to help provide hope, guidance, and a way forward. Today you have the opportunity to meet that need in a powerful way and help twice as many people because we have a matching gift challenge going on right now. Find out more details at newlife.com or text the word MATCH to 22950. 1-800-229-3000.

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