New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: We can't think of a better way to start the week than with you on a Monday. It's May the 4th; May the 4th be with you. I'm your host, Brian Perez. Becky Brown, the president of New Life Ministries, is here. She's also a licensed professional clinical counselor, so she knows her stuff. In the studio with me is Dr. Alice Benton, a clinical psychologist. Alice, what's on your mind to start us off?

Alice Benton: I invite you to consider a question with me. What is your resistance to healing? Even though we all want to be healed—most of us want to be healed—if you're not making enough progress towards that ideal state of being free, being at peace, being joy-filled, it's essential to explore whether or not you have resistance to your healing.

There's a story in one of Henry Cloud's books where he's working with a man who is in an affair. And yet he's a Christian, he loves his wife, and every time he comes in for a session, he talks about how much he wants to end the affair. And yet the behavior continues. He keeps contacting his affair partner.

And so, Dr. Henry Cloud leads him to explore his resistance and to get to the place of admitting, "A bigger part of me actually doesn't want to change right now. I don't want to give up this affair for a variety of reasons." When we can get honest about our desire to stay in our same state, to stay with our same behaviors, that admission can actually lead to the next breakthrough in healing.

And so, perhaps you want to live by your Christian values, but you still want to hold on to pornography use or an affair partner. I know at one point I wanted to be sober from alcohol, but I wasn't yet ready to let go of the comfort I received from having a drink after a long, hard day. You may want to be assertive with people who mistreat you, but perhaps you're too afraid to push back, too afraid of losing them. What is your resistance?

They say that what is familiar has a certain comfort level to it, even if what is familiar is also agonizing and it's an awful situation to be in. But it's an awful that we know, and the unknown of what life could look like if we did heal can be too frightening. And so, instead, we stay with what is familiar.

Some of us might feel like our issue, our problem, whether it's my depression, my anxiety, my substance use, it's my identity. It might also be my identity card that gets me in and keeps me in my social circle. I don't want to stop because I'll lose my crew, my group that I do this thing with.

And lastly, I want you to think about whether or not you get something called secondary gain from your problem. So, perhaps I hate my depression, I'm miserable, but in my depression, people care for me. They check on me. Maybe I even have financial support because of the problem that I'm struggling with. And so, while I weigh out, "Do I really want healing?" well, I get some benefits by staying stuck in my unhealthy state.

So, there are three ways out of that resistance. And one, just like that man who was in an affair, one is to confess to God and to another person, "I don't want to change, or I have a limited desire to change." Just confessing it, we can access more power to change.

The second is to give permission to God and the people around us to increase our want to change. God has the power to do that. And the third is to keep showing up for help, no matter what. There's a saying in twelve-step which is: suit up and show up. I don't feel like doing this, but if I keep showing up anyhow, it is likely that I will access grace, strength, and motivation to change.

Becky Brown: It's so good, Alice. What is our resistance to healing? And one of my favorite sayings is people stay in hell because they recognize the street names. They keep driving around the block over and over again. Quit driving around that block; take a different turn. Call us if you want to change, if you even if you don't want to change, we'll help you change here at New Life LIVE.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: And let's go right to the phones. Here is Sarah, who's calling in from Glendora, California, watching us on YouTube. Hi there, Sarah. Welcome to New Life LIVE.

Sarah: Hi, thank you for taking my call. I was trying to summarize this while I've been on hold. We have an adult daughter; she is 33 years old, who has been in a relationship that from the beginning she said, "This is the one, no questions asked. You're going to accept who he is for who he is. He's a good guy, so you're going to like him. He's perfect." And she hasn't really had any serious relationships prior to this one.

Well, in six short months, we have seen a lot of reckless decisions being made, including moving in together probably two months into it. And then we witnessed some situations where it's not her norm, where she at the last minute canceled a special occasion we were going to have for her birthday to celebrate as a family. We were going to meet at a restaurant, and because now she's with him, I guess, she called us at the last minute. We were literally on the way there, and she canceled it.

But that's not the main thing. Sorry. Anyway, there's just been a lot of disrespect from both of them now. And we have, long story short, they have shut us out of their lives. They got to the point where they decided to get married, they got engaged, she's pregnant, and because I had asked him not to call me "mama," because he calls me mama, he calls his mom mama, he calls his late wife's mom mama. I didn't want to be another mama; I wasn't ready to be a mama.

And we were in the middle of planning their wedding that we were going to—my husband and I were going to pay for. And he canceled the wedding because of that request. And they have shut us out since he's been in the picture. He has not allowed her to visit us and have alone time with her anymore, let alone phone texting or even conversations. He's right there in the midst of every phone conversation, every text. It has to be with him included. And it's just been a very unfortunate, very controlling situation that we're witnessing here.

Brian Perez: So, what's the main thing you want from us today, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, they disconnected from us over a month ago, and we're now wondering, it's hurtful. Our daughter's pregnant, and we can't talk to her. We have reached out; no response. They just made it very clear: do not reach out, we're done with you. And yeah, so we're just very heartbroken and not sure what to do. Do we leave it alone? I mean, we're tempted to go knock on the door and say, "Are you okay?" because of the control factor. We're worried about her.

Becky Brown: Well, Sarah, this is so heartbreaking, and I wish you were the only caller that we've ever heard that this is the situation. And it is; it's just hard, especially with a new grandchild coming. One question: do you have other kids? Like, are there other siblings that are in the picture?

Sarah: Yes, I have an adult son. He's much older than her.

Becky Brown: Okay. Do they have any connection? Is there any relationship there?

Sarah: Not as close as I would like, but they, you know, they get along, but they're just not real close because there's like fifteen years between them.

Becky Brown: Oh, sure. That's okay. The only reason why I ask that is because it sounds like you had a really tight bond with her before this relationship began. Like, it went from the two of you to now he's in the picture, and then she's probably trying to figure out, "I want to be with him," and obviously they're starting their family. The fact that you guys were, paying for the wedding, all that.

Here's the question to the answer: don't go knock on the door, okay? Don't do that. I know that when these situations come up, it's like the panic that's inside of you right now, the story of he's controlling her. What I would do, step one, is I would probably text and say, "I'm very sorry for how this has turned out, and I hope someday we can reconnect." And that's it. Like, don't say anything else. Don't say, "Talk to me when you have the baby." None of that.

And in the meantime, Sarah, I want you to be able to talk with, whether it's a therapist, your husband, girlfriends, Bible study group, where you can get the frustration out so that when you go back into relationship with her, you're coming from a place of, "I understand you have your own life now. I want to be part of it, and I'm going to try and manage how this works." It's just, this is really tricky, and we've talked to so many people that have had estrangements in their relationships. And the power struggle—somebody has to drop the rock. They have to drop the rope. Like, if you keep pulling, she's going to resist, and he's going to be in the middle because she's with him. And I doubt that there is a threat to her. I know that that's part of your concern. But you said in the beginning that you liked him and then things started to go south.

Sarah: Yeah, we wanted to like him. He was just a little overly confident, right away felt very comfortable around us, before we ever got to know him. He was already acting like, "I'm in, I'm part of the family." And not that we didn't want that, but there were just little things in his behaviorism that we were like, we couldn't figure out.

Becky Brown: And I would say, Sarah, part of that is just getting to know somebody. It's like, oh, wow. Okay. This is where we're at. And just, but you guys didn't have a chance to kind of work those things out and become familiar. But at this moment, don't go knock on the door. Maybe reach out, and it could be a note if you want. You could write a note. I just want you to reach out without expecting anything in return and just to recognize, "I've upset you, and that wasn't my intention, and I hope that you're doing well and that someday we can work this out."

Sarah: But don't you find that an extreme measure to take to cancel the wedding and we're a week away, and he was so mad that I asked him not to call me "mama" that he said, "That's it. We're done."

Becky Brown: Right. But, Sarah, I would say it wasn't just that. I would say that that was his way of putting a line in the sand, of trying to defend what they wanted for their day. And I know it's painful. I know it feels like it's over the top. It is. All of that is. But it also is something that you're—if you want to be in relationship with them again, you have to work that out before you get back into their lives. Otherwise, you guys are going to be rehearsing this issue: "I can't believe that you canceled the wedding. I can't believe," those kind of things will keep a wedge between you. And I want you to be able to be reconnected in a way that is beneficial for both of you.

Brian Perez: Do you think this guy's like a love bomber? Because he comes in really confident, like Sarah said, and calling Sarah "mama" right away and everything else.

Becky Brown: Well, no, it could be his personality. I think, obviously not knowing him, but I think the challenge is when you have a new person, your daughter's a little bit older, to have a new relationship and then to progress so fast, it can feel overwhelming.

Alice Benton: Sarah, when I get scared, my voice gets really high, my face gets red, and I start talking faster. And these are all things that are somewhat out of my control; I don't even realize at first that I'm doing it. When you get scared, do you know what happens to your voice and to your body language?

Sarah: Probably raises, my eyes tear up, you know. I'm sure that there are certain things that happen. They are happening more than ever right now, just because of all the hurt.

Alice Benton: And these are completely natural reactions to an overwhelming situation. And the reason I bring it up is because you have concerns about this man that you have little to no control over, and it's terrifying that you've gone a month without talking to your daughter.

If you stay focused on the concerns you have about him, it will keep you in a very anxious state with limited control, limited influence over it. And so, I want to turn your direction to what you have some control over, which is yourself. But even that, I don't have control over how I react at first in my fear, but it's something that I can start to learn and start to gain control over.

It's a very strange that he canceled the wedding when you said don't call me "mama." And it's presumptuous of him to call you "mama" before he's even married to your daughter. So, that's odd to me. But I wonder if some of the times you addressed concerns may have come out with some of that fear in them. So, perhaps with a higher tone, perhaps with more firmness than you initially intended, because when we're scared, we can push people away with our heightened delivery that we have.

You sound like a very firm believer who has tried and done well at teaching your daughter your beliefs. And so, then too it's shocking that she picks a man who does not seem to hold to some of your beliefs and she's being influenced by him. So, I want you to wonder, ask your husband and ask a couple of close girlfriends: might I have been too strong in my fearful statements that I made or in those ways that I reacted to the new changes with my daughter? I don't doubt, Sarah, that you were right, but let's check our delivery so that when you do have a chance to be back in contact with them, you can make sure to have a soft tone of voice and you can balance out grace and truth together.

Brian Perez: *Doing Life with Your Adult Children* by Dr. Jim Burns is a book that we offer in the New Life store. I think that might be beneficial for Sarah.

Becky Brown: Yes, it's so good. And I'm just hugging Sarah from afar because it's hard to have adult children sometimes. They make their own decisions; it's the weirdest thing. If it wasn't for that, it'd be great.

Brian Perez: LaVerne, let's talk to you now. You are listening to us on WAVA in Maryland, Glen Burnie, Maryland. Welcome, LaVerne, to New Life LIVE.

LaVerne: Yes, hi, thank you so much. I hope everyone's having a wonderful day. The long and short of my question is: I have a very dear friend that watches porn. I'm affiliated with him, not in any type of personal or intimate relationship, but I am step-mom to his dog and have been for three years. I'm a Christian person, and I would like to know if I should address this person and say to him, "I know you're watch porn, and it's not Christian-like."

Sometimes he says little things that make jokes, like, "I hope you're not cooking that dinner for your boyfriend." What are you talking about? I don't bother your personal life; why would you want to interfere in mine and say things like that? He goes to church with me sometimes. So, I want to know if I should bring this up to him that I see the porn tapes on your table. They're not hidden, and I don't say anything.

Brian Perez: That was going to be my question: how do you know? Did he confess this to you, or how do you know that he's got this addiction? But you say he just leaves it out on the table there, huh?

LaVerne: Yeah, he has all of his porn tapes on the table and they're there. He doesn't hide them, which he shouldn't have to; it's his house.

Alice Benton: And LaVerne, you have invited him to church; he attends with you sometimes. I can see how much you want to be a good friend and so wondering, would a good friend point this out? Tell us, is he a Christian, or is he just searching?

LaVerne: He's not a Christian, but he doesn't disagree to going with me at times. Sometimes he'll just say no, I don't want to go. But he's a very good guy. He is. He's very easygoing. And like I said, I deal with him because of his dog. We've been friends for almost three years now. And he's an older person, and I can tell that he wants my friendship. But he ought to know that there's going to be no intimacy with us at all, and he makes little comments like, "I hope you aren't making dinner for your boyfriend." I don't like that.

Becky Brown: Right. Well, LaVerne, you just touched on the reason why this is such a big deal. Like, you guys are more than just neighbors who share dog duties, but you're feeling a little bit threatened by him wanting more from you, especially because you're seeing his use of porn. You can hear the music. Brian?

Brian Perez: Yes, we're coming up to our break. So, LaVerne, hang on. We'll get back to you. Grant, we want to talk to you as well. So, everyone else, we are New Life LIVE, and we want to talk to as many people as we can today, so stay on the phones and we'll get to you in just a moment. Becky Brown is here, so is Dr. Alice Benton, and we've been doing this for almost forty years. We want to help you guys in the situations that you're in, just like LaVerne's, just like Grant's. We'll be right back.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: We're back from the break and back to LaVerne. You still with us?

LaVerne: Yes, I am.

Brian Perez: Oh, good. Thanks for holding. So, Becky, what other questions did you have for her?

Becky Brown: Well, LaVerne, what I was saying before the break is that your reaction to his comments are—it is literally that; it's a reaction. I think because you've seen that he uses porn, you have a relationship, you share the dog duties, and but you don't want to have anything to do with him in a romantic relationship, right?

LaVerne: Right, right. Not at all. I respect him, and for the most part, he does respect me, and he jokingly makes those remarks. I'll tell you, I would love for him to be able to go to *Every Man's Battle*, but because of conditions and his disabilities and it's far, there's no way that he can get there nor afford it.

Becky Brown: Right. Okay. So, LaVerne, if you have that kind of a relationship with him where he says something, you're able to say back to him, "Don't say that." Are you able to say that to him when he makes those comments?

LaVerne: I could say back to him, and in a basic way, I have said to him, "Don't make jokes about boyfriends."

Becky Brown: Okay. All right. So, I think if you have any kind of regular interaction with him, I think it would be good to kind of step into the, "I know that I've said to you before, don't make comments about boyfriends. I also, respect our friendship, but I feel uncomfortable with some of the way that you say things." And just defining the relationship may be an important next step.

And to continue to invite him to church. I mean, you could also get a copy of *Every Man's Battle*, the book, and leave it in his house. I mean, you know, there's an option.

LaVerne: Yes, yes. I sure, I really, I could do that. But what I want to know is should I say to him, "I see you watch porn," because I've never let on to him. I mean, of course, they're there; they're in plain sight. And I've never said to him, "Why do you watch porn?" I really would like to know. I mean, what does it do for you? Why are you watching that? God does not condone that. You'll never be redeemed if you keep doing that. But I don't want to say all those things because I don't want to ruin a relationship that really is so precious.

Becky Brown: Well, you could say most of them, but not the last one about you'll never be redeemed because we know different. But, Alice?

Alice Benton: Well, I do think it's good, LaVerne, for us as friends to point out things we're concerned about to one another. It's what is supposed to happen in relationship, and it gives the potential for growth. It's also risky, and it may result in anger, in hurt, in loss of relationship. And so, I think it's important for you to prayerfully think about whether or not God wants you to do that and are you willing to accept the repercussions of challenging him?

And I would say, rather than asking why, you might rather express, "I care about you as a friend and I've heard, I've learned that pornography can have all sorts of unintended effects on the brain, on the body, on spirituality, and on emotions. It can do things like ramp up anger in a person." You might not say this one to him, but we know it can lead to different physical disorders such as ED, erectile dysfunction disorder.

So, there are reasons to express your concern out of caring. But I wouldn't ask the "why" questions. It may also be that it makes you uncomfortable to see those tapes out. I'd struggle to sit in a living room with pornography tapes right there between me and the person I'm visiting. I would not really want to go back. And so, you might also say, "I'm uncomfortable with having that material out on the table. And either I don't want to hang out in there or would you not leave that out on the table?" That's, of course, only a surface-level concern. It would be very caring for you to express the other concern.

But one other risk that comes to my mind is he might take that as you wanting more of an intimate relationship with him because it's talking about a pretty intimate topic. And so, I'd be careful to be really clear: I'm not bringing this up because I want romantic relationship; I'm bringing this up as a platonic friend who's worried about your soul and worried about your emotional state.

LaVerne: Thank you so much. That's just what I wanted to hear because every time I go, I'm like, "Oh boy, now I see these porn tapes. What am I going to do? How am I going to say something to him about it?" And I'm glad you said don't say "Why are you watching it?" That would be definitely the wrong thing to do. Go at it spiritually, kindly, and like that. Yeah, I get it.

Brian Perez: Now, LaVerne, do you have to go inside the house? Can you just wait at the door for, I mean, if you're there to pick up the dog or drop off the dog?

LaVerne: I go in because there are certain things that we need to talk about, things I need to show him for the dog, you know, maybe assisting, telling him about the food and so forth. So, yeah, I go in. I never sit and stay a long time, just long enough for us to transpire whatever we need to do to talk about the dog. And then he has some candy that I like and they're right there on the table where that porn is. So, I can't help but see the tapes.

Alice Benton: LaVerne, I just so appreciate your heart that you're caring for him, helping with the dog, and you even want to care for his soul. One final thought I want to add: whenever we have to bring up something, a fault in someone else, I find that it helps to acknowledge, "Hey, I'm imperfect too here. I've got my own struggles." So, it's not like I'm coming from a place of perfection, but I am coming from a place of concern, and that's why I wanted to share this with you.

Becky Brown: Yeah, and you know even to say something, LaVerne, to him like, "You know, it kind of bothers me when I come in and I see those. Can you like put them away so that I don't have to see them?" And you're not judging him, but you're starting a conversation. It's just, I love that you are caring enough and I love that you invite him to church. Keep doing that.

Brian Perez: LaVerne, thanks for your phone call today here on New Life LIVE. And the book *Every Man's Battle* is in the New Life store, so go get that for your friend and anyone else who wants to purchase that for themselves or for someone they know. It's there in the New Life store. Grant, we're going to talk to you when we come back here on New Life LIVE.

Becky Brown: Hello, it's Becky Brown. I am so excited to launch our 99 for the One partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression—all kinds of ways.

And it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd, he leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. And you know we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the One is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or visit newlife.com/99forone.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: We're back from the break and back to Grant in Washington, D.C., who is listening to us on WAVA. Welcome, Grant, to New Life LIVE.

Grant: Yes, thank you. I was sharing with your counselor earlier, my wife and I, we together now, we have a son who's 63, and we have no relationship with him that we've had for well over the last six to seven years simply because we refused to accept a child that he had told my mother, told us that he—that she was not his child. The child is not his.

Brian Perez: Grant, really quick. Grant, excuse me. I'm sorry. There's some background noise that we're hearing. I don't know what it is.

Grant: Yeah, it's raining. It's raining very hard.

Brian Perez: Oh, is that what that is? Okay.

Grant: Yes. And he had denied this child to my mom and other family members recently at an event he went to for his sobriety. He's had some difficulty with substance abuse in the past, but he had his son that we partially raised and lived with us because of his abuse of substances. And he told him to tell us, because we refuse to say that was our grandchild, that he did not want to hear anything from his mother, his father, until the coffin lids were closed in our faces.

And he had his son deliver that message to us. Supposed to be a Christian. They both are Christians. He was brought up in a household in church, baptism, and yet he sent that. But in his own way, he has no relationship with the younger sister of his who lives close by us. He's only five miles away; she's two miles away. But he has some relationship with an older sister who basically is not one who would just outright give him correction about it. She's not accepting of it, but says nothing. But he still tries to be in contact with some people that know us.

One in specific is a foster son who knows, who has some mental weaknesses and he'll tell him things thinking, I guess, that he will tell us. So, we've told him we don't want to hear anything. If there's anything he needs to say to his parents, he needs to be able to say it himself. But we have ignored him and not tried to have any contact since he sent us that message. We've just stayed in our places. But this is our child, 63 years old. And the daughter that he wants everybody to accept that he has denied for many years, he doesn't want to have anything to do with us until we say, "Yeah, we accept her." We have no DNA tests, we have nothing. His younger sister says she paid for DNA test. So, if the family has the proof and if it is, then you know, we will try to have some type of relationship. But that's the hurtful thing, that he sent a message by his son to tell us and has not spoken to us for seven years.

Alice Benton: Grant, what a painful way he put it: that not until the coffin lids closed. That must have just broken your heart. And you and your wife, you've done so much for your son. You raised one of his sons; you raised your grandson. And now the question is about this supposed granddaughter. And if I understood it, your son denied that she was his daughter and then switched, and now he says it is his daughter and he's demanding that you accept her as such. Help us to understand your position at declining to accept her until you have a DNA test.

Grant: Well, the thing about it is he's our son; relationship and family's important to us. Yet we've been put in position where we have no choice but to ignore him and not reach out to him because that's what he made very emphatic when he said it. He sent a picture sitting there holding a rifle in his lap and took a picture and sent this photo to his son that we kept, took him, he graduated from high school with us, we sent him to community college. He was nowhere around. And his son says the same thing: you guys have raised me. So, he has no relationship with the son who is now in his 40s. And then the daughter, we have not seen her maybe a half-dozen times, and she's 35 years old. And he still paying child support. He told us that I'm going to try to start a relationship with her mother, maybe she'll drop the back child support. So, these are all the things that have transpired.

Alice Benton: And Grant, what are you worried will happen if you do accept her as your granddaughter without a DNA test?

Grant: Well, the fact is she's not reached out to us. She called over to my younger daughter, and she was telling her and her mom to not harass—they are in Baltimore—not to harass us because we don't have anything to do with this. It's not our situation; it was something that the son created. And my mom had to say the same thing before she passed because she too, but she had him tell her: this is not my child. I'm doing this to try to get out of paying child support.

Alice Benton: So, Grant, I suspect that your son has manipulated and lied in the past to get money from you or to get you to do what he wants. So, I think you've been tricked by him before. And in his addiction, he's been a dangerous person, an impulsive person to be around. He sent this picture with a rifle; he's been a threatening person. And so, I think you don't feel safe being in close relationship with him and being in relationship with the supposed granddaughter. Is that right? Are you worried you'll be extorted by them?

Grant: Well, I don't think he feels he can because they only live five miles from us. But the fact is family is family, and he is our son. We've ignored him and just said we want nothing to do with him either. But I know in our hearts—

Becky Brown: Grant, I want to interrupt you because you've said that twice. Family is important, family is family, but you have not talked to him because of what he said. How, what's the answer that you're looking for as far as how this is going to resolve? I get there's a lot of complications. If everything were right in the family, what would that look like to you?

Grant: For what he's done for all the years, he was with us in ministry, involved with us in ministry. We had no problems, and I think some of it may be jealousy of his younger sister who's been very successful. He was not, even with the many attempts we brought him back home and let him go back to night school and things like that, but to no avail.

Becky Brown: Right. But, Grant, listen. Right. So, what is the answer? Like, what are you hoping for? Because this is heartbreaking.

Grant: For him to tell us that, you know, when you die, then that's when I'll be satisfied to say I'm, you know, well, you can't say anything because you're dead.

Becky Brown: So, you would like him to make amends, basically? You want him to ask—okay. Because there are so many aspects to the story, and that's why Alice and I, I love all the questions that you were asking. And then also if the granddaughter, the whole DNA thing, you know, sometimes people have family members that aren't DNA, but we consider them family.

But I hear, Grant, that your heart has been broken. And the challenge with estrangement like this is your son has made threats, he's had this past issue with you guys, and I just wonder how you can participate in moving forward to see if there could be some resolve without threat.

Grant: Well, basically, that's why I called because I'm saying have we been wrong to ignore him, not reach out to him as parents when this is what he felt and he's done the same thing to his younger sister who has a good relationship and offered him DNA test? But we just want to know as Christians and believers, are we in the right position to just completely ignore this? No one brings it up. I mean, it's not discussed. Most of our friends in our circle understand that they said, you know, it's disrespect to his parents and just let him be. But he will try to send subtle messages through his foster brother to us and others he'll send things. He even went to one pastor that I was associated with and said, "See my dad. Talk to my dad about this. He can help you do this in ministry. He can help you do that in ministry." So, at this point, I guess we're bewildered. What is the answer? Is there any answer other than God resolving it?

Alice Benton: Grant, I think your son is sending messages that he wants you in his life. He's not going about it in a very good way; he's going about it in an abrasive way. And he's been abrasive a lot in his life to you. It's an immature approach. And you may know, substance abuse, it really gets us stuck at about the age we started using. So, you know how when a child wants to be picked up by its mom, and so she picks it up and the child slaps the mom in the face? It's an immature way of saying, "I'm scared, I'm hurt, I need you, I need your help." I think that is what your son is trying to do. And so, what we may talk about after the break is: how do you both try to ensure your own safety from what has been a very chaotic family system while discerning God's will and letting your son know you also want reconciliation? But there are some things you need in order to reconcile with him. So, we'll detail that out a little bit more.

Brian Perez: Yes, we will. Grant, thank you so much for calling us today here on New Life LIVE. Stay on the phone in case we have some other follow-up from you. But yeah, we'll hear what else Dr. Alice Benton and Becky Brown have to say to you. We are New Life LIVE, part of New Life Ministries. You can find out all about us at newlife.com. Find out what we're all about. We're all about helping people who are in these struggles, this despair, and they call in and they ask for help, and that's why we do what we do. Newlife.com. We'll be right back.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: And we're talking to Grant in Washington, D.C. So, Becky, what else did you want to say to him?

Becky Brown: Well, Grant, here's the thing. You both have had a lot of pain. Your question is, what are we supposed to do? As far as it is concerning you, the word tells us to live at peace if at all possible. And it may mean that you guys have a mediator of some sort that can bring you both to the table. I think Alice hit the nail on the head when she said he's trying to connect with you. I know that it's not the way that you would expect and all of that, but I do think that there is a way back.

Alice Benton: Grant, I understand your motivation in not accepting this supposed granddaughter. And what you're really trying to do is leverage that so that your son will humble down and will apologize and acknowledge how he's hurt you and how much you have done for him. And it's okay to want those things, and leverage can work, and it can be very powerful.

I wouldn't leverage the granddaughter in order to do that, especially because she might actually be your biological granddaughter and there are years of hurt that are going by. But even if she's not your biological granddaughter, I suspect she might need your influence in her life. You're a man of God, and she has, I think you said she lost her mom, her own dad was not in the picture off and on. She needs some good stable people in her life. And so, I would lift that ban on her, and I don't even think I would wait for the DNA test.

Instead, I would say, "Son, I am willing to talk with you if we can meet with a counselor, have a family session, so that we can try to sort the hurt out on both of our sides. That's the way that I'm willing to start." That gets you closer to the goal you have of reconciliation. Avoiding the granddaughter potential, that does not get you closer to your goal of reconciliation.

Becky Brown: And you know what the better ending to this story is, Grant, is where both of you figure out how to overcome the years of hurt. That is the message of the gospel: that even in the midst of all of the things that have gone on for years, that God is raised up in the redemption of your relationship in whatever way it can be. It may not be that you have dinner every Sunday together, but it stops this back and forth and this side talk that's going on and moves towards a healing purpose in your lives.

Brian Perez: Grant, what do you think?

Grant: Yes, I'm listening. My wife is in the car with me. Both of us are listening to you because we've not known how to handle it other than just to ignore it and not try to continue to put any fuel on it by just leaving it alone. So, that's what the two of us have tried to do for the last two years. But we know that that's not ultimately the best solution to ignore your child, but we've just gone on what information was given us: his denial and even telling us his reason for getting a relationship of some kind which he's not had with the child for probably thirty years either.

Alice Benton: Right. And Grant, when your son was active in his addiction, sometimes for our protection, we do need to distance ourselves, not take those calls, and ignore. You told us he's now sober. So, there are some signs that he is trying to clean up his life. There are also signs that he might still be being manipulative. So, if you have this family therapy session, I want you to be cautious if he makes requests of you, especially for money. Be cautious that you don't have to say yes to his requests, but yes to a conversation, a structured, guided conversation will at least give you more information about the state of his mind and the state of his heart and whether or not it's worth adjusting the boundaries that you've set with him.

Becky Brown: Yeah, and we have therapists in that part of the country that we can connect you with so that your family can move forward in this healing process.

Brian Perez: Grant, stay on the phone and we'll connect you with somebody there in your area. Thank you so much for calling in today to New Life LIVE. And we also want to thank everyone who makes a difference by praying for this radio show and ministry and for praying for the people like Grant who reach out to us in their moments of despair. And thank you for coming alongside us financially, whether as a monthly 99 for the One partner or you who give one-time or every now and then. Thank you for that. Right now would be a great time to make a one-time gift.

Becky Brown: It really would because we have a matching gift challenge. We want you to know that there are people who believe in what God is doing through New Life. They have given the amount of $250,000 to be matched so that your dollar will be doubled. They believe in what we're doing. And when you think about the calls that we answer—people are in really difficult places just like we just talked to a few today—and because New Life is out there giving godly counsel and wisdom and forward motion that you can get connected to a counselor, you can go to a workshop, we're making a difference and you can be part of that too. You can give today. Brian, how can they be part of this matching gift challenge?

Brian Perez: Well, Becky, they can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or they can go to newlife.com and donate there. They can also text the word MATCH to 28950. And that's usually how I give, and it's kind of fun. It's almost like an interactive text kind of thing that's going back and forth. Most of the texts I send get ignored, but not this one. You text the word MATCH, and then you get the text back, "Oh, how much do you want to give?" And it's just kind of fun. I like things like that. But check it out. MATCH to 28950.

Hey, something else we're doing in the next few weeks is a webinar. We've actually got two of them coming up in the next few weeks and you can sign up for those at newlife.com. The next one on the calendar is June 11th. JJ West will be presenting *What the Bible Says About Our Identity in Christ*. In fact, if you text the word WEBINAR to 28950, we'll send you information about that webinar and also a free tip sheet called *Five Ways to Live Confidently in Your Identity in Christ*. And then on July 16th, Dr. Alice here is doing a webinar on the topic of grief. Becky, you're hosting both of these. Why don't you tell us a little bit more?

Becky Brown: Well, you know the one that we're doing that JJ's doing on identity in Christ, we selected that topic because we have so many people who are visiting our website, newlife.com, looking for how to know your identity in Christ. I mean, we hear that. I know, it's really surprising because you think, well, in this day and age where there's so much information, why wouldn't they know that? Well, guess what. We're going to talk all about that. We're going to talk about how it gets formed as well as, you know, where we can understand what Christ thinks about us. It's really going to be a powerful evening. And then as far as the grief, I'm going to defer to Alice since I'm just going to be hosting that one. Alice, how are we going to talk about grief that night?

Alice Benton: Well, we know that some form of loss touches all of our lives, but we have a decision of whether or not to grieve in a healthy and effective way versus becoming overwhelmed and stuck and even, perhaps, lapsing back to old unhealthy patterns when loss hits us.

Just in the last couple of weeks, I've talked with people who lost their homes in the California fires, a person who lost a friend to suicide, one who experienced the death of a child, another who experienced the loss of a pet, a pet who had saved their life and felt a lot more like a family member than a pet. And so, whatever the form of loss is that you have experienced, we want to teach you tools, techniques, and a path forward. We may carry the sorrow of those losses for the rest of our lives, but there's a way to use grief, to process it, and to deal with it that we can come out actually stronger on the other side.

Brian Perez: Get the details at newlife.com or call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Each webinar is 90 minutes, which includes 30 minutes of Q&A. It's a great way to get involved and find out if these are things you're dealing with, whether it's grief or identity. Again, go to newlife.com.

We never stop here at New Life. We even TikTok; that's something new that we've added. If you go to our website, newlife.com, scroll down to the footer, you will see the TikTok icon there and you can watch short videos, highlights of the show. We post those on our website, highlights of our podcasts as well, and the live show is up there too. We archive the live show there on TikTok, so check that out, share it with a friend.

God bless you guys. We'll talk to you tomorrow on the Cinco de Mayo edition of New Life LIVE.

Voiceover: Thank you so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.