New Life LIVE

New Life: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Happy weekend, you guys. Welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we are chalk-full of interesting conversation that will help you become the person you were meant to be. We're going to speak with Sydney in a little bit and also to Claudia.

I'm here with a couple of licensed marriage and family therapists, Chris Williams and JJ West. JJ is one of the presenters at our Intimacy and Marriage Weekend as well as the Every Man's Battle Intensive that starts two weeks from today. JJ, what's on your mind?

JJ West: I'm super excited about the Every Man's Battle Intensive coming up, as I always am, because they're phenomenal. Like I say, I get to sit on the front row and watch God work miracles in people's lives. But that's not totally what's on my mind today. I have something else that's on my mind today.

I don't know if you've seen the TV series, The Pit, that's currently being aired on HBO. But in the very first episode, I believe it was the first or second episode of the first season, they introduced this concept called Ho'oponopono, which is from the Hawaiian tradition. It's spelled H-O-O-P-O-N-O-P-O-N-O.

It's basically an ancient Hawaiian practice for reconciliation and forgiveness, especially right around someone's death. As someone is getting ready to die and you know that they're about to die, how do you go about practicing reconciliation?

There are four key components. They changed it on the show, so I'll explain that in a second. The actual practice consists of four components: I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you.

On the show, they changed it to: I love you, thank you, please forgive me, and I forgive you. They took out the "I'm sorry" and changed it to "I forgive you." It is a fairly similar concept, but I love the simplicity of it because it helps us to recognize that we tend to overcomplicate the process of reconciliation.

I think I need all of these things to happen in order to be okay with you, and I need all of these things to happen in order to even approach the conversation. That's not really the case. What we really need are these core concepts of humility to say that I'm sorry and recognize my wrong and ask for forgiveness.

There is the recognition of the importance of the relationship: I love you. There is gratitude: expressing thank you for all the different ways that you have loved me, provided for me, cared for me, or whatever. Finally, being able to forgive: choosing to forgive.

This is a concept that, biblically speaking, all through scripture, there are pretty strong consequences if we choose not to be forgiving. We're told to forgive as God has forgiven us. These key concepts help us to move back into right relationship with others. I hope that if you're feeling stuck out there, like the relationships that I have are just not working the way that I want them to, you would look to these key principles to practice them in those relationships. By the way, it doesn't require anything of the other person. This is just what I'm able to bring to the relationship.

Brian Perez: What was that phrase again?

JJ West: Ho'oponopono.

Brian Perez: Got it. I'm still getting used to Hakuna Matata.

JJ West: It's not Hakuna Matata.

Brian Perez: All right, good conversation to start us off today here on New Life LIVE. We're going to go to the phones in just a moment and speak with Sydney and Claudia and anybody else who calls in because we are here to help you today with whatever it is that you're struggling with from a Christian perspective. We want to help you with JJ and Chris. Hang on.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. Let's go right to the phones with Sydney, listening on newlife.com. Welcome, Sydney, to New Life LIVE.

Sydney: Hi, thank you for taking my call. I would like to ask about somebody that clearly has mental health issues but will not accept it and will not seek help for it but is destroying everybody's lives around them. It's not my household, but it's my brother.

He's in this relationship with his wife. They've been married for a long time. But she goes like almost every two years, she spirals out of control. Then she gets help, gets some sleep, and then gets better. Then you don't hear from him for a while. He misses a lot of family events and stuff like that and keeps himself distant from the family.

Then you hear from him when it gets out of control and he needs either some help or money or something. But the situation has gotten to the point where everybody has left the house to avoid her, to avoid my sister-in-law. His plan has always been like, "I'm just going to wait for the kids to get older, for them to be independent, and then I'll maybe separate from her" because he doesn't want to have multiple homes and all this kind of stuff for the kids.

He's endured it for about 12 years of this. It's not constant. It seems like almost every year or every two years, something gets out of balance and then she'll become really terrible. But then she comes down or becomes a little bit easier to deal with. It's not like just a mean person. I feel like it's like multiple personalities or schizophrenia or something like that. There are delusions; there's a lot.

She has this warped sense of her theology about that. She thinks that that is just completely demonic, and so she won't even consider that that could be something that she has. She doesn't even entertain the thought of, "Hey, this could be something that I could take medication for and be better."

In the meantime, everybody's just basically leaving. My brother has just one minor now, and she's 15 years old. CPS has come out and deemed that she should not be left alone with her mom. But she lives there. Now my brother has to be with his daughter every time that his wife is around. But his wife sometimes wants to kill him. She's very aggressive towards him. What are some strategies that I can give to him in a situation where he can get out of there? Should he just give up the house and just be like, "All right, as long as I have my daughter, I'm fine" because she doesn't want to get any help?

Chris Williams: Sydney, let me jump in because all of the solutions you have for him are going to be maybe even fall on deaf ears. I shared this in a previous show, this quote: we have far less control than what we ever feared, but far more influence than what we ever imagined.

You can't control what's going on here, but I think one of the things that I would say is take the direction of your focus off the mental illness. I'm not saying that it's not there because it does definitely sound like there is a cycle going on here that represents something on the mood disorder spectrum, bipolar or something like that.

But without diagnosing that, when there is denial around the behavior, this is true of addictions and other things like that. There's denial of the condition, so you go straight to the behavior. This is the way your behavior is impacting and influencing me. I'm not addressing what's behind all of that because, again, we have very different perspectives on that.

In going to your brother, I think it's a heart-to-heart. You're letting him know what your fears and what your concerns are. You're letting him know what you want for him, but you're also letting him know how the situation is impacting you.

I think that's where the power lies. The power lies in the relationship. That's the influence that you have over your brother. Sometimes that influence—not the control, but the influence—of that other voice that brings reality and clarity into the situation can be very helpful for him to start making very different decisions. If he knows he has options, if he knows that there is a different voice that says, "Hey, there's things inside of you that are keeping you stuck here, and there is a different way, a better alternative," that can be helpful. But if he thinks that you're trying to control the situation, most likely he's going to resist that.

Sydney: No, I don't think he does. He actually called me this morning and asked for me to try to find a counselor for his daughter. But as I was looking, I came across your thing and I said, "Wow, he needs something to help him," and it's not like anxiety. He needs coping or somehow to distinguish between the fact that he's a victim also.

Chris Williams: Sydney, there's life-threatening issues here, and that is a child wellness issue.

Sydney: She's safe now. She's out of the house.

Chris Williams: No, no, no. You didn't hear me. You said that his life could be in danger.

Sydney: If he goes back home.

Chris Williams: Therefore, the child's life is in danger. That's the clarity that we need here. We're trying to negotiate all of these other issues, but there's a core issue here, and that is someone's basic life and safety. All other issues go out the door at that point in time because that gives us the clarity and the resolve to say that whatever sister-in-law is doing or not doing, that's none of our business other than keeping ourselves safe because his safety, his daughter needs him to be safe. And those are just the child wellness issues at hand: his own well-being.

Sydney: I guess he's doing what he needs to be doing at the moment, which is avoiding.

Chris Williams: But I want to go back to this: there seems to be a fear of addressing the impact. Address the impact of what's going on here, not to lay guilt or shame or blame or anything, but to say the reality of the situation is here's what it's doing to us. Here's what I see it's doing to you. Here's what I see it's doing to me.

Sydney: I don't feel like it's doing anything to me other than I'm praying harder for him. But I'm away from the situation. I wish I could help out more tangibly. I just wonder, I don't even know how to advise him. I feel like he missed the opportunity to call the police when he needed to, and now he's just out living somewhere with my other brother. He's safe and his daughter's there, but I just feel like it's crazy that he's the one that has to leave because she won't admit any of this and she's not being stopped.

Chris Williams: Like I say, you can't control her, right? That's where the boundaries come in. What's happening is unimaginable. But you gain back self-control, you gain back influence by keeping the solution within yourself, within your brother. The solution isn't sister-in-law getting better because no one's in control of that.

Brian Perez: JJ, what would you say to Sydney? She brought up a very good point there that it's not her brother that's got these issues, it's his wife, but he's the one that has to leave the house. That doesn't seem right. It's like his wife is the one who should leave to protect his safety and the safety of their daughter, but he's the one that has to leave.

JJ West: I apologize, my whole system shut down over here, so I missed 95% of the call. I came in right as Chris was finishing up, so I really missed the majority of the facts here. All I can say is that when we're in these feeling like impossible situations and when we're in situations that feel really unfair, there's a quote by Oswald Chambers that just reverberates in my head. He said, "Never look for justice in the world, but never cease to give it."

That's a tall order. On my own, I can't do that. In my own, my flesh is crying out for justice. There has to be justice. A response like that is a work of the Spirit. It's going to be vital for you and your brother to let the Spirit of the Lord fill you so that you can have that kind of response. Your flesh won't get you there. I need the Spirit working in me in order to allow the injustice of the world, not overlook it, not ignore it, but accept the fact that I live in a world where there is injustice, but I don't have to let it change me to where I operate in injustice.

Brian Perez: Sydney said this is drawing her closer to the Lord because she's praying more. Everybody watching and listening to this episode of New Life LIVE is going to be praying for you and your brother and your niece and your brother's wife as well because she needs to seek the help and she's got to come to that conclusion that, yeah, she does need help.

Chris Williams: This is sort of one of the things of my advocacy for mental health awareness, especially mental health awareness month. I liken it to this: when the pancreas doesn't produce the right levels of insulin, so there's chemicals going on inside of us and in an organ of the body called the pancreas. We have a name for that: diabetes.

Therefore, we have medication to balance out the insulin levels and the blood sugar to restore health and balance. If that doesn't happen, there's a lot of incredible consequences to blood sugar being off, including life-threatening consequences.

Now, we have—but you don't oftentimes hear that that is a spiritual problem. You don't oftentimes hear that someone isn't praying enough, someone doesn't have enough faith. So there's this other organ in the body called the brain, and the brain also has a phenomenal complexity of chemicals operating inside of it known as neurotransmission.

Our brains don't all work equally the same. Sometimes if you have a brain like mine, there are times where I am struggling with depression or anxiety and there could be a lot of different reasons for that. But that the chemicals that's produced in the balance isn't on, it's off. It's an organ in the body working against me rather than for me.

We, again, don't call that a spiritual issue even though it can look behaviorally like it can act out in very different ways. So mental health awareness month, especially for us Christians, we have to understand and get to the concept that there are mental health conditions that are biologically, neurologically based that need medical treatment. And that is the biggest act of grace that we can do for a lot of people. But to say to pray it more—I'm not saying don't pray and I'm not saying don't rely on God's miraculous work. What I'm saying is that we wouldn't do it with the pancreas, so let's try not to do that with the brain.

Brian Perez: That's why I am so grateful for this ministry and for this radio show that continues to make strides in this area because for several years, it was like nobody wanted to touch it. But we're talking about it now on Christian radio. Thank you so much for supporting us. Claudia, you're coming up next on New Life LIVE.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. Let's go back to the phones now here on New Life LIVE and Claudia on line one. Let's bring her on to speak with JJ West and Chris Williams. Hi, Claudia. Welcome to New Life LIVE. How can we help you?

Claudia: I'm calling, I have an identical twin sister. I'm one of 18 in my family. My mom and dad had 18 kids. But my mom didn't like me and my twin sister. She said that we were the worst kids she ever had and she physically and mentally abused us. She didn't protect us. My dad didn't protect us from my mom. He would just tell us just to deal with her.

I'm wondering, we have a hard time making friends with people. If we have friends, we're too clingy and sometimes we push them away. We have a reputation of being mean and don't keep our promises because everybody we meet, we feel like in order to make a friend or have a friend, we have to buy their friendship and give them all this money. I want to stop all this bad behavior and stuff like this, but I don't know how to do it.

Brian Perez: Oh my goodness, Claudia. Thank you for calling us today here on New Life LIVE. We can definitely assist you with this. JJ, what would you say to Claudia?

JJ West: Well, Claudia, thank you for calling. Wow, that's a big family, one of 18. That's a good crowd. You got two passenger vans, I think, to get everybody where they need to go. Two sports teams even. Yeah, it's pretty amazing.

So I appreciate the question of how do I change some of these unhealthy behaviors that I've adopted? It sounds like you were saying you and your twin both engage in these behaviors in adulthood. But I want to go back for a second because you talked about the fact that out of all of these children, your mom seemed to single out you and your twin, that she didn't like you two.

I'm curious, as a child growing up, how did you make sense of that? What was the story you told yourself for the reason why mom didn't like me and my twin?

Claudia: That I was a bad person.

JJ West: I was a bad person. Yeah. And so often, that's a shame message. When shame gets its root in us, it produces shaming fruit in our lives. What happens is because I feel that way about myself, I start to look for evidence of what I believe to be true. I believe that I am a bad person based on the way my mom treated me and, by the way, the way that my dad didn't protect me.

I believe that I'm a bad person; I start to look for evidence of that. Sometimes we actually start to create some of that evidence in the way that we interact with others. I think that's what you're seeing some of that in your adult relationships where, like you said, there's lying, there's trying to buy friendships, those sorts of things. That's the evidence of this core belief that you have about yourself: that you're a bad person.

While it's important to change behavior—and I'm all about changing behavior—if I don't address the core belief about myself, all of the changing of behavior will be surface level and it will be much like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. I can make it look pretty for a little while, but there's a deeper problem that needs to be addressed. For you, Claudia, I think that deeper problem is this core belief about yourself that you are a bad person.

I think it's going to be important to replace that lie with the truth of what God says about you. We're going to talk about this at the Identity in Christ webinar.

Chris Williams: You know, we see this over and over and over, and that is childhood abuse is the attribution of a curse on someone. When we attribute a curse on someone, what they adopt is shame. That's the mirror in which they see themselves in the world. Eventually, it becomes like my glasses right now; it becomes the lens of interpretation.

When that happens, it's like the not enough, not good enough, unworthy. You yourself do not have value in and of yourself. And so therefore, Claudia, you're saying that if I'm going to be in relationship, it must be Claudia plus something else. Claudia plus money: that gives me value for somebody else. We're all kind of doing this to a greater or lesser degree: Claudia plus gifting, Claudia plus charisma. For some people, it could be the person plus a sexual experience, the person plus—on and on and on we go.

But the bottom line is that we ourselves never carry value because love is the attribution of value. When we experience the mirrors of love growing up, what we end up with is value, is that worthiness. Therefore, we're not trying to hustle our value in the world. In fact, because the value is contained inside of us, we're inviting other people to value us, but we're also setting boundaries around people who don't. Therefore, we are in control of our money, we are in control of our time, we are in control of all of that and not as a way to gain relationship, not as a way to gain value or that gives us a sense of belonging in the world.

I'm so glad, JJ, that you're doing this seminar because identity in Christ allows us to return back to our core value, immutable, meaning it doesn't change, and eternal, it goes on forever. That is a phenomenal source of confidence and security in the world.

Brian Perez: It's break time. We'll talk more about the webinar when we come back here on New Life LIVE.

Becky Brown: Hello, it's Becky Brown. I am so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways, and it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd, they leave the 99 to go rescue the one.

You know, we've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE (1-800-639-5433) or newlife.com/99for1.

New Life: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: You're watching New Life LIVE right now. Thank you so much for doing so. Make sure you like today's video and subscribe. That way we can get more people engaged. If you listen to our last call there from Claudia, the call got dropped. I'm not sure if Claudia hung up because of the overwhelm of what she told us. But Claudia, we're going to be praying for you. Everyone watching and listening is going to pray for you as well.

We also want to send you a registration for the webinar that's coming up that JJ is hosting in a couple of weeks. JJ, tell us about it.

JJ West: It's called Identity in Christ: What the Bible Says About Me, which is key. Going back to the call, it is key for us to understand what the Bible actually says, what is true. We have been given all these labels, most of the time from our early experiences growing up in our families of origin, but also other experiences throughout life where people have tried to tell us who we are.

They've tried to put labels on us, and many of us have adopted those labels as though they're 100% true. Then we live that reality out in some really painful and destructive ways. This whole webinar is about beginning to let go of these old labels, these shaming labels, and to adopt the truth of what God says about me and how that then allows me to live in authentic, loving relationship with those around me. But it starts with this core identity, this what is my core identity in Christ.

Chris Williams: JJ, I think it's so key here because when I look at identity and identity issues, identity really is the place inside of us where we're going to draw security and confidence from. When we have our professional acumen, it could be a bank account, it could be an external relation—so many things in life, as I like to say, we're hustling our sense of confidence and security.

But man, the work of Christ to do it inside out, that it's not something we're looking for out in the world, we're looking for in Christ in how he's designed us at our core being. That identity work, I just see it's so critically important and, to your point, essential for long-term relational health.

JJ West: Absolutely. We've been lied to again and again and again by the world to base our identity in all kinds of other things. I don't know if you remember, you're so much younger than me, Chris, you might not remember there was a commercial, a series of commercials in the late 80s, early 90s, by a tennis star, Andre Agassi. It was a Canon camera commercial. The tagline was "Image is everything."

Chris Williams: I definitely remember.

JJ West: In that case, I'm ancient. Man, I'm like your grandpa or something. But that's what the world tells us, right? That image is everything. And so my identity is based in all the things that I do rather than my identity based in who Christ says that I am.

Chris Williams: I think that this is really important because one of the things, especially in the men that I work with—I have the opportunity to work with a lot of high-capacity men, people that have, on paper, shown a lot of success. But what ends up happening is that they become a perception, meaning that they revolve their lives around being perceived rather than being truly known.

I always say if you revolve your life around perception, you can get admiration, that's true. But if you revolve your life around being known, you actually get love, which is the ultimate attribution of value. So I'm oftentimes helping guys move from being perceived and admired to being truly known and loved.

If you want a power source experience of that, go to Every Man's Battle. That is the ultimate incubator of the experience to be truly known in your deepest parts and loved in those parts, including the most painful or oftentimes destructive parts.

JJ West: That's right. I do want to talk about Every Man's Battle because that's coming up June 5th, that weekend, which is the week before this webinar that JJ is hosting. JJ's going to be really busy in June. But you can get more details about the webinar by texting the word WEBINAR to 28950 and we'll send you a registration link and also a tip sheet on identity. You can also find out more at newlife.com or by calling us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

I want to go back to the identity issue really quick because, like in Claudia's case when she called in, her mom was telling her that she was the worst kid ever, which is horrible. I also want to address people whose identity is rooted in maybe something that is true about their past. Maybe it's things that they've overcome or they still struggle with, and because of that, other people look at them as, "Oh yeah, you were once this, you'll always be that." At least in our eyes, like there hasn't been that forgiveness.

This person maybe is a believer in Jesus Christ; they've surrendered their life to Him, but they still have those nagging thoughts and feelings and maybe people bring it up every now and then: "This is who you were in your past, you're never going to change." This webinar is for them too, right, JJ?

JJ West: Without a doubt it is. To Chris's point, both the webinar and the Every Man's Battle intensive are for men struggling with sexual integrity. It's for them because we are addressing that my identity is not based in what I do. We are human beings; we're not human doings.

What I've done or not done doesn't define me. Does it impact me? Yes, and certainly it impacts those around me. But it doesn't define me. I'm a human being, and being is all about this relationship. As we've talked about, if I'm known, fully known, then I can experience love, I can experience acceptance. But if I'm not fully known, if I'm keeping things hidden, I will always believe that once you know the truth about me, you'll reject me.

When my identity is based in Christ, then I've already agreed with God about the worst parts of me. Because the worst parts of me sent Jesus to the cross. When I've accepted my identity is in Christ, I'm a child of His, I've agreed that the worst parts of me are known and have been redeemed. But when my identity is based in what I do, I've got to keep performing. I've got to keep that wheel spinning, I've got to keep the pipeline full, got to keep serving, got to keep doing over and over and over, and that hamster wheel never stops until I collapse dead.

Chris Williams: That goes back to that hustling identity of like, "I've got to be useful." I see that in the church all the time. That's something inside of me. For me to have value in the world, I want to be useful. It's so important because it's a paradox in the sense that once I have identity, I'm free to be useful. My usefulness doesn't go away, it just comes from a much deeper source. If we plug in and cultivate the right source in our life, we will have renewable, reusable energy for the life that God's called us to.

Sign up for this webinar. We all need it. I heard it put this way a long time ago: there are two types of runners. There's the runner who's running to try and make the team, and he's performing. But then there's the other runner who's already made the team, and he runs for the joy of running. We could not run fast enough to make the team. We just simply couldn't because holy perfection was the mark and we weren't going to even come close to that.

But because Christ was perfect and lived a perfect life and died in our place, we've been put on the team, not by our merit but by His. Now we can run for the joy of running, not to try and make the team.

Brian Perez: That is so good. So again, JJ's webinar is coming up on June 11th. You can find all the details at newlife.com or just text the word WEBINAR to 28950. Every Man's Battle is coming up the weekend before that; it starts June 5th. Today, May 22nd, is the last day to sign up to get a discount. You can still sign up tomorrow, but hey, you can save a few bucks. Why not? Sign up today at newlife.com/EMB.

Father's Day, that's coming up June 21st. How do we tie in everything we're talking about with Every Man's Battle and this identity webinar? We'll talk about it when we come back.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

If you've never given to New Life or it's been a while, now is the perfect time. We're in the middle of a matching gift challenge, so every gift gets doubled up to $250,000, bringing new beginnings to more men and women in desperate need of healing and restoration. I'm sure we have at least 10,000 people listening and watching right now. If each of you gave just $250, we'd meet our match just like that. Help us help twice as many families and individuals by giving at newlife.com/match. You can also text the word MATCH to 28950 or you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Thank you so much for your generosity.

My name is Brian Perez. I'm here with licensed marriage and family therapists Chris Williams and JJ West. Father's Day season is coming up, and so is another Every Man's Battle weekend workshop. So many guys have failed to live up to their expectations of being a good father. Many times it's because of the pitfalls and shortcomings they've experienced along the way. Many let that shame and secret struggle win the battle. It's like they throw their arms up in surrender, wave the white flag, and say, "I'm never going to change." Is this true, that they can't change ever?

JJ West: Certainly not, otherwise we're in trouble. I don't know why we're putting on the workshop, right? They can definitely change. But I think it's important that we change the perspective on that. I think so often the focus is on, "I've got to change my behavior so that everyone will be okay with me. My wife will accept me, my kids will be proud of me, my parents will be proud of me," whatever.

I think especially because this is the Father's Day edition of the Every Man's Battle Intensive, it's important to re-couch that in what it is that you're fighting for. You're learning instead of just working to change my behavior because I'm such a terrible person; I'm learning to fight for my marriage, I'm learning to fight for my kids, I'm learning to fight for what's important: my own integrity. I'm fighting for the things that are most important to me.

What you learn at the workshop is I'm not fighting alone. Because when I fight alone, I get taken out. When I fight alone, I lose. But the workshop, the intensive allows me to have a built-in community of men that fight alongside me to encourage me, to help me, to pick me up when I fall, to keep me pointed in the right direction so I'm fighting the right enemy.

Chris Williams: That's so powerful and so needed. It breaks my heart that we look at close, intimate male relationships as a unicorn. It's not a unicorn. God has designed this to be standard in our lives. I believe that we are suffering tremendously, including broken patterns in our sexual life, as a result of not doing life together and not doing life more deeply and more honestly and transparently.

Because it becomes so much more than just our broken sexual behaviors. It becomes that we're not able to step into the growth and the manhood that God has called us into. There is a true arrested development as a result by not developing with other men in our lives.

So to your point, JJ, I see it so much: if I'm trying to go from being bad to being good, I've already lost the battle. Jesus showed that on the cross. That battle I got whipped up on pretty bad on that one. Certainly I want to—this is not to undermine the consequences and damage that broken sexual behavior has in life. But what really is necessary is I need to move from unhealth to health.

When we take it layers underneath the behaviors, we start to see that we have a broken relationship with relationships. When we start getting healthier in relationships, we cannot do that alone. It's fundamentally impossible. But we get other men around us and build into us.

The natural outcome of that is we start to mature and grow and become more integrous in our lives and start to feel the impacts of becoming men, meaning showing up in the world with a sense of confidence we've talked about with identity, with a deep sense of humility, with incredible usefulness.

Most importantly, going back to Father's Day, we start healing our own father wounds that we may carry inside of us, but we also show our children and the generation before us that, yes, this is the hard work. This is what's required. We move into the dark places of our lives with honesty with other people, especially other safe men. What happens is healing and growth happen as a result of that. What an unbelievable gift that we have a pathway to that. It seems so elusive, but it's not. It's a phone call away. It's a courageous decision to move into it, and Every Man's Battle is your doorway there. I honor the fear, I honor the skepticism around it all and say those things are real, but they're not as real as the impact of what the experience gives you on the back end of it.

JJ West: I don't know if you guys remember this old song we used to sing in youth group: "In unity, to dwell in unity." I find ironic the way we often do unity in Christian circles in our men's pancake breakfast or the golf league. We pretend that it's unity and then we lie, lie, lie. We don't tell the truth.

To face the darkness with truth, there's power there. If I can let somebody into me, intimacy is "into-me-see." If I can let someone into the deepest, darkest places within me and experience that acceptance, oh, now I actually experience unity and now I can actually be the healthiest version of me, which allows me then to move into these roles that I have as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a neighbor, as a member of the church in power by the power of the Holy Spirit into those places rather than trying to overcome my shame by performance.

I have a friend who has a similar phrase, and he's been telling me this since we were in college together. He says, "JJ, don't worry, you're far worse than you think you are. But be of good courage: God's grace is far greater."

Brian Perez: Find out more about Every Man's Battle. It begins in two weeks. Sign up today and you'll get a discount. Go to newlife.com. God bless you guys. We'll talk to you next time.

New Life: Thank you so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.