New Life LIVE

Host: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello and welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, happy to be here with this hour's co-hosts. They are licensed marriage and family therapist Mark Cameron and clinical psychologist Dr. Alice Benton. We've got some calls and questions from you, our viewers and listeners, coming up. In fact, Lisa, you'll be first up after we hear what Alice has on her kind mind. Hey, Alice.

Dr. Alice Benton: Hello, glad to be here. My son died unexpectedly. He was not a believer. Is he in heaven? And why didn't I talk more about faith when I had the chance? This was a caller into our show some months ago, and that call has stayed heavily on my heart and mind, in part because I don't want any of the rest of you to carry that eternal regret.

Sharing the gift of salvation with our loved ones is one of our most important callings. And so I ask, do you have any unbelievers on your heart that God has been prodding you to speak with and or just to act out the love of the gospel to them? I have had an angry believer in my life, a close friend who has a fatal diagnosis.

We don't know how much longer he has left, and having this conversation with my friend has been heavily on my heart. I attempted it years ago and was angrily told, "Don't talk to me about God anymore." And so for the past several years, I've been wrestling with, do I respect that request or do I push past that request in order to share this belief about their eternity?

I don't like to go against authority figures. I don't like to anger people that are already irritable, and so this has been one of the most difficult conversations weighing on my heart and mind. And so I sought out counsel. This has been the topic in my groups that I attend for years. Almost every week I bring it up and I've sought out feedback about how best to go about this.

How to love this person well while respecting their wishes and yet still sharing one of the most important pieces of information with them? I don't think I could have done this without all the New Life principles and New Life support that I have allowed into my life over the years. I recently had the conversation again, and the first time I got a good response.

I knew this conversation could actually ruin a relationship. It could be taken in such an offensive way. It could end our relationship. The first time went pretty well. The second time, a couple weeks later, that I brought it up, I was again asked, "Don't talk to me about this anymore." And so that's where it stands today. I ask you for your prayers for this person and for their salvation.

But I also want to point out that if New Life can help the likes of me, this conflict avoider and people pleaser, to confront this most difficult conversation of my life, New Life can help you face your most terrifying conversations. And if, like the mother who called in, you carry the regret of not having talked enough about faith and you lost your chance, we can help you lament and grieve.

Mark Cameron: So good, Alice. This is just one that is really difficult, I find, for a lot of people because it's that tension between what is my responsibility and what's the other person's responsibility to accept Jesus. And it's a really difficult one. And I think as we lean into what we're feeling about these things and as we lean into challenging ourselves, like you did, we can learn to discover a lot about ourselves and learn to recondition, too, in areas that we need to grow.

Dr. Alice Benton: Regrets feed our depression and anxiety, and my own indecision about this conversation has fed my anxiety over the years. And so working through this unfinished business also serves us because it helps us to access peace and serenity again.

Brian Perez: I take comfort in knowing that we're just planting seeds and there's other people out there that might be able to reach your friend, and even if you feel that regret of, "I didn't do enough," maybe someone else did in your place. So you never know. All right, Alice, great opening remarks. We'll be back in just a little bit on New Life LIVE.

Host: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now, back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Now we're going to talk to Lisa in Rapid City, South Dakota, who listens to us on SiriusXM Channel 131. Hey, Lisa, welcome to New Life LIVE.

Guest (Female): Hi, thank you very much. That was really quick. I just called in.

Brian Perez: Well, you're in Rapid City, Rapid City, we take those calls. All right, Mark, there, I'll give you that one. So what's your question for us, Lisa?

Guest (Female): That's the $100 question. I'm trying to decide the best way to verbalize this quickly. I would like some direction. I'm deliberating in my mind how to help my son and daughter-in-law in their marriage. It's not going well, they're having problems, and I am sad to say that it's primarily, knowing that there's always two sides, but primarily what I see is my son similarly repeating what his father had exhibited over years.

He has gone down, so he has authority issues. He rededicated his life several years ago to the Lord, but in the last two or three years, he's come out going down I don't know what you call it, where he does not believe that God should be called God, that it should be Yahua, and that if you use any other name, and Jesus Christ is a Satan, and that the Bible is not complete, and a lot of these things.

He's definitely against the government, and that's getting worse. He wants to become a sovereign citizen and go up on these things that are not necessarily provable. And everyone has the ability to believe what they want; however, it's causing great harm to his marriage. And now he doesn't believe that Christmas is good, everything about Christmas is pagan.

She doesn't believe that, and she doesn't share everything that he believes. And so if she tries to talk to him about it, then she is told that she's not being submissive, he's the leader, these types of things. So he is definitely psychologically and emotionally controlling and he left me stranded at a park in the middle of a town in a place that I had no and he also had my belongings.

And so just thankfully, I did have my phone with me just because grandmas take pictures a lot. And so that was over a conversation and a comment, and I'm not saying that everyone doesn't have how they respond, but it goes from someone making a comment to him belittling them for maybe a belief that they have to, "Well, if you say well, I'm not sure I agree with that or believe that," he explodes into him getting very angry.

Mark Cameron: He's getting more reactive, and in doing so, almost putting you in harm's way, perhaps. Do you suspect any substance use?

Guest (Female): I don't now, but I do know that in the past he absolutely did. So I would say probably about the few years prior to him making his decision for the Lord or maybe just a few years out, I know that alcohol was part of his past, I know marijuana was most likely part of his past. His father had a history of drug use that he kept hid or he kept hid very well, and you can't always prove it, but I know it was there.

So I'm not sure if that's current. He's gone from being a very health-conscious person, they have a business, to he goes on whims. Now he eats nothing, no meat, and tells his children it's dead flesh, you can't eat that.

Mark Cameron: He's taken just some really extreme, surprising stances. Is there any history of schizophrenia or paranoia in the family, especially his father's line?

Guest (Female): My husband was never diagnosed with it, but these are amazingly similar things, especially when it comes to what seems to be a self-esteem issue or authority issue. I would say that he exhibited that often in his life. His father died about 13 years ago. We had been in a 25-year marriage that ended in a not-a-good-way, and so I'm sure that there was something there. It just was never diagnosed.

Mark Cameron: This could be too extreme of a step, but I'm just hearing some things that are starting to sound like paranoia. And if this is a big change in your son's behavior and his attitude, signs of schizophrenia begin to show in the mid-20s usually, but because there's been a history of substance use, we know that even just THC, even just marijuana use, can lead to paranoia.

And even if he's stopped using, the effects can still stay, especially if he had chronic and frequent use. But I don't want to jump to conclusions; that's a big leap to take, but I think it is something worth considering. Given what your son is going through with his wife, how he's treating you, what do you want from us, Lisa? How can we help you with this?

Guest (Female): My heart wondering how she doesn't have a lot of faith or Christian support where she's at, and she's basically just remaining quiet and non-confrontational the best she can to have peace in the home, especially with the children. He's to the point where he will not go to work at the business because he doesn't want her home with them.

Mark Cameron: He doesn't want her home with the kids?

Guest (Female): He doesn't want her home with the kids on a regular basis, no.

Mark Cameron: Wow. How old are the kids?

Guest (Female): They are three and four.

Mark Cameron: Wow.

Guest (Female): Yep. And so I guess my role, I feel like for 25 years, I was in that role where she's at, and I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I don't want her to lose herself and I don't want her to go through what I did. And so I guess I'm just wondering what my role can be. Obviously, she has to make that choice, but do I help her find counseling? Do I help her push him? Is it even worth it? Do you argue with a fool? Do you not obviously she's got her money set aside and she's trying to make a plan.

Mark Cameron: To leave?

Guest (Female): Right, in case she needs to.

Mark Cameron: Well, it sounds like a very oppressive relationship. I'm with Alice; I was actually thinking that myself about paranoia. And when you just said that last part, that he doesn't want her home with kids who are three and four years old, that sounds extremely paranoid. And so it sounds like there's a little bit more going on here than just a difference in the way I want to approach life or what I believe about religion.

It's very extreme, it's very rigid, and it's getting to the level where the control is concerning; it's suppressing. It's not sustainable to stay in a relationship with somebody who's controlling you like this, and the concern is does it get to greater levels of control and then does that leak into other forms of abuse? So I'm concerned.

When you have a conversation with her, you obviously know some things that she's thinking about here. She's saving money quietly, and maybe that's the safest thing for her to do. What else does she reveal to you? Does she trust that you're safe and that you won't say anything to your son?

Guest (Female): Yes, and I have let her know that I don't believe that she should text me things that are something that she wouldn't be able to say in front of everybody, as well as myself. I won't do that. If anything I text, it definitely would be something that I'd be comfortable always revealing to him even if he doesn't accept it well.

Mark Cameron: Are you saying that in case he reads it?

Guest (Female): Correct, yeah, and takes it to a level that our relationship, I do feel like she needs to vent and I told her I'm a safe place. I understand. I love my son beyond anything, but I do not want this pattern to continue at all. And I'm not saying that all of us are perfect and we all don't respond wrongly in situations, but I've seen her in action, and she comes clean when she's like, "I raised my voice and I shouldn't have."

But she wanted to take them to the movie David for their first experience in the theater. And so he decided he would go along, and I said, "Wow, that's great, I guess." And she had to do some things at work, she came home and he was waiting in the truck with the kids already there, driving, mind you, not with a driver's license now because that's a whole other issue, and so he let her know when they got home that he's not being controlling but at least he went to the movie with them even though it wasn't biblically based and it wasn't.

Mark Cameron: Well, it is controlling, and I can understand why somebody who is under that level of control and suppression will go into fight or flight mode and react back and push back, because you can only be stressed to a certain amount before your survival kicks in. And oftentimes people who are being abused and they are gaslit, they feel these deep levels of shame because they reacted when really it's a survival level response that they went through. This is really concerning here, Lisa. I'm really concerned for your daughter-in-law and for your son about how controlling he is. I think she needs immediate help.

Dr. Alice Benton: His willingness to drive without a license, too, it just seems like there are these things that are showing an increasing trajectory in a willingness to make illegal choices and more aggressive choices and leave you stranded. So an emergency plan, I think, needs to be put in place and acted upon. I think she should consult with Child Protective Services.

It may not be the time yet for them to come to the home, but she needs to start a paper trail, especially if he has threatened anything towards her, himself, or the kids. If he's making violent threats and it sounds like he's moving in that direction to me, Child Protective Services needs to know. I think absolutely to your question, yes, she should have individual counseling.

And if you can help her find that, pay for that, we have our network of counselors we can recommend to you. I think she needs to be in a recovery group of other women. We have our New Life recovery groups. And one of the best resources would be for her to get in touch with a domestic violence shelter in your area, because they have all the right resources, they've walked through these situations before, and they'll be able to equip her, prepare her, so hopefully she doesn't have to take the extreme steps, but it is headed in that direction.

Mark Cameron: I think this is actually indirect child abuse to them in keeping a child, especially who's that young, away from their mother. That's very, very concerning. And then driving when you shouldn't be driving, you're putting them at risk. And so I think if you called Child Protective Services, they probably would agree with that.

And she may need to, as Alice is saying, she may need this paper trail because if she does leave, he may not be safe to have the children alone if he's that extreme. And so I think that you should be extremely worried about that. And so I think that getting this paper trail in line gives her a good case to be able to make for why I should have sole custody even if it's temporary at this time, because I think there's probably some mental health issues going on here.

Brian Perez: All right, Lisa, stay on the phone. We want to send you a resource from the NewLife.com store. Thank you very much for calling in, and if everybody listening and watching can keep Lisa and the family in prayers. I mean, yes, this is major, and we're talking about young children, age three and four.

Yeah, and we don't want anything to happen to the children or to Lisa's daughter-in-law, so keep Lisa's son in your prayers. We'll be right back here on New Life LIVE. We talk about anything that is going through your life. We want to try to help you, put you on the path to healing, and that's why we do what we do. Check out our website, NewLife.com, and follow us on social media so that you can see everything that we do all the time here at New Life LIVE.

Host: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: We love helping you guys when you call in to New Life LIVE, but we know that sometimes deeper one-on-one help is needed to fully work through issues. As Alice mentioned just a little bit ago, we have a nationwide network of Christian counselors ready to help you do the deep work of addressing past or current struggles. We'll put you in touch with one when you call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or at NewLife.com.

Dr. Alice Benton: Brian, I just thought, I want Lisa, our previous caller, to have her daughter-in-law listen to the call and our answer to it to help prepare her.

Brian Perez: Yes, yes. And by the way, Lisa, we're going to send you a copy of the Boundaries book from the NewLife.com store, so thank you so much for calling in today. Now we're going to talk to Karen, who is in Simpsonville, South Carolina, listening on SiriusXM Channel 131 as well. Hi there, Karen. Welcome to New Life LIVE.

Guest (Female): Hi, thanks for taking my call.

Brian Perez: Yeah, what's going on? How can we help you?

Guest (Female): Okay, it's the holidays and I'm having a really hard time. My children and I are not near each other. And when we do talk on the phone or we FaceTime, I FaceTime the grandkids, I'm finding that there's a lot of triggers from the past. So that it sort of like we I can't talk or I go blank or I stutter or I can't focus, and so it makes it look like I don't care.

And I just don't know how to go around. There was a lot of trauma involved with my ex who is bipolar, with using medication and into pornography and the whole wreck. So I'm just trying to rebuild my life in the last two years since the divorce. So how do I not trigger with my kids? Or not say anything that's, well, that's because of the past and I'm trying to get over it, that kind of thing.

Mark Cameron: Karen, I understand what you're saying when you say a trigger, but a trigger is an association in the present to something in the past. What is it triggering inside of you? What's the situation that it's reminding you of that you're going into this survival mode?

Guest (Female): It's more of they act like they're the parent and I'm the child.

Mark Cameron: Your adult kids do?

Guest (Female): Yeah. I'm naive, I'm ignorant, etc. etc.

Mark Cameron: And are those things that your ex-husband would say to you? Would he try and control you that way? Would he make you feel like a child?

Guest (Female): Not no, he just had some choice words and it was abusive. It was verbally, mentally, physically, and sexually abusive. So for 36 years and then, you know, so yeah. This isn't my first ride with you folks. I've talked to you over 38 years ago.

Mark Cameron: So is it reminding you of feeling oppressed, of feeling like you don't have a voice?

Guest (Female): Yes.

Mark Cameron: Okay, so that's the trigger there. Even though it's not exactly the same, that's what triggers are; they're reminders of us, and then typically we do what we learned to do before, which maybe that's what you how it was with your ex-husband where you stuttered, you couldn't talk, you couldn't focus because it was just so jarring.

Guest (Female): I was shut down.

Mark Cameron: You were shut down. Yeah, you in therapy, Karen? You said it's not your first time calling. Okay, and you going weekly?

Guest (Female): Yes. And then I have a good strong church I go to with Celebrate Recovery and codependency classes and everything like that.

Mark Cameron: And in therapy you talking through your experience with your ex-husband?

Guest (Female): Oh yeah. I've been seeing this person for all throughout my divorce, so I'm very hyper-vigilant.

Mark Cameron: Okay. Are they trained in EMDR, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing?

Guest (Female): Yes, they are.

Mark Cameron: And have you tried that with them?

Guest (Female): Three times already.

Mark Cameron: Just three times. Okay, so three times is not a lot. I mean, sometimes people can really get great benefit from just one or two sessions, but typically you need several sessions as you continue to desensitize. So you're doing that, and is it helping?

Guest (Female): Yes, it does when I do it, but I'm not always able to do it because of location and everything.

Mark Cameron: And in your relationship with your adult children, are you able to share with them vulnerably and honestly that, "Hey, sometimes I struggle and this situation, this is the reminder for me, I'm working on that, but I just want you to be aware of that, I'm getting triggered at times." Are you able to be vulnerable in your relationship with them like that?

Guest (Female): My daughter, yes, to a point. My son is like, "Whatever, Mom. Whatever you think you have to do. I just think you're getting stuck in it," which, you know, two steps forward, five steps back.

Mark Cameron: Okay, so you've got a good relationship with your daughter then that she may understand. And unfortunately sometimes people, especially family members in our life, they don't understand, and so we might have to figure out what conversations can we have with a person or how do we limit the amount of time that we spend around them while we continue to do our own recovery work?

He's likely being triggered from old wounds in his past too, and you could include you being a trigger for him that he may need to go get work from.

Guest (Female): We're separate. We're separated by over a thousand miles.

Mark Cameron: Yeah, so that's difficult. But you're doing some good work here, I think. I know Alice has got some good thoughts for you too.

Dr. Alice Benton: Karen, to hear all the forms of abuse you went through for decades with your husband, I'm just so sorry for your suffering and the way your children suffered. And so it's very brave of you to be trying all these good things to get your own recovery and to get stabilized. I was surprised to hear you say, "I think it looks like I don't care when I go blank or stutter."

And I thought, oh, I wouldn't interpret it that way. So you might be right; it might look like you don't care, but I just want you to be cautious on assuming that. And that'd be a great question to ask your kids, "Does it ever look like I don't care? Do you ever feel like I don't care about you?" and be willing to listen humbly to whatever their answer is, just gathering information. Their answer may not be accurate, but it is their experience.

The other suggestion I want to make is having what we call a meta-conversation, and it's talking about the way you all talk with each other. So you might let them know, "I love you all so much, I really want to stay emotionally close with you. And I need to admit a struggle. I struggle when it feels like your tone or your words are condescending. You may not mean it that way, but I take it that way. Would you be cautious about that? And can we have an agreement that when I'm having one of those tough moments, when I'm feeling that way, can I point it out?"

And then, Karen, I'd have you consider, what do you need when you feel like they're being condescending? And I thought of a couple things. You might need a break from the conversation. You might need reassurance from them that they don't think you're ignorant. You might need them to acknowledge that they do think you can't handle your life and they try to get you to do what they think you should do.

Or you might just need a softer delivery when they're trying to love you well but they go about it in too intense of a way. How do those needs fit for you, if you picked one of them that would help you when you have those tough moments, which one would it be?

Guest (Female): That's a toughie. I had a situation where, like I said, there's a thousand miles between us. When I did go to visit, they made the comment that my son made the comment about like, "You're just not in reality, Mom." Something to that effect. And that the best "You and Dad ruined our lives as children." And my wife, who doesn't like me, is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Mark Cameron: His wife doesn't like you; that's what you're saying.

Guest (Female): Right, right. And it's understanding, I understand he's in denial is what my psychologist says because of everything that has happened and he has blocked out the abuse. He's blocked out a lot of the stuff. And he's right in the fact that I didn't protect them. I understand and I own up to that. I own up to that. You know, my fears controlled my protecting the children.

Mark Cameron: Well, that's what I was saying, that your son likely has his own triggers and you are part of those triggers. And like you said, some of this stuff is unintentional because you were in a traumatized place. I mean, there's no perfect parents out there either, so I'm sure there's other things that he may have concern about.

But he's being triggered when he speaks to you because it's going back to his childhood somehow where he's feeling not protected or not listened to or not heard. And so that's where you may have to with him just accept that he's on his own journey. And maybe he's not as safe to have that meta-conversation with, like Alice is saying, especially if you think that his wife doesn't like you. And maybe you lean more into that meta-conversation with your daughter and get insight that way.

Dr. Alice Benton: Karen, when we receive an accusation like that, that big, "You ruined our lives," to me, that's a sign that there's a raw nerve for him right under the surface, and there probably is for you too. That is an unspoken request to me, "I need a comfort circle. I'm hurting so badly and I'm carrying so much anger from what happened to me."

He doesn't know to ask for that, but that's what he needs. And so there too, your willingness at a calmer time to say, "Hey, I know you feel like Dad and I ruined your lives, and I want to listen to that. I want to be a comfort to you and I want to do the healing I can. I want to talk about what amends I can make to you."

And because his pain is so big, it might need to be in the structure of a therapy session if he were ever willing to do that. But it's your willingness to lean in, to listen, to gather information, and to set these limits of "Hey, when I'm feeling this way, I need a break or I need something to be different in conversation." That's how you'll protect your heart from getting that triggered.

Brian Perez: Karen, we're going to send you a copy of Doing Life with Your Adult Children from the NewLife.com store. Thank you so much for calling in, and for more information about the comfort circle, we've got lots of resources on our website, NewLife.com. Here is Sandra, who is listening to us in West Chester, Pennsylvania. Hey there, Sandra. Thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE.

Guest (Female): Nice, thanks for taking my call. I'm losing my voice; I'm getting a cold like everybody else. Just real quick, I'm going to talk fast because I talk fast anyway.

Brian Perez: I like you already, Sandra. You keep going, girl. Are you an auctioneer there in Pennsylvania, Sandra?

Guest (Female): My father used to yell at me at the dinner table, tell me to shut up because I talked too fast. But anyway, I met Steve Arterburn years ago in Philadelphia. And then he gave me a big hug and a kiss. I've bought his books, I've got Dave's books, I got everybody's books. But I'm 78 years old. Bottom line, I'm homeless. I hate to say that word, excuse me.

But I was married real quick to he looks like Arnie Palmer. I can't buy the iced tea in the store because his face is on that bottle. Anyway, bottom line is right now I'm having a hard time. I'm 78 years old, I'm alone, and I've lost everything I've owned through the ex that I was married to. He just got married for the fourth time, now he's living in Florida with some he's a narcissist, he's a user. But we were so mainly in love.

But the problem is I'm now because of I got so much to say. I broke my fractured my knee, I was so bored, I got on Senior People and I met this guy from Scotland. And you know, the eyebrows up in the air, he doesn't need an umbrella, his hair just sticks out. Anyway, I lived with him in Westchester for four years, okay?

But they drink a lot, and I left him twice because every time I came home, he was drunk with vodka. So I lived with my son in Georgia, Suwanee, for two years, which was good. And then I ended up going to Florida. I have been traveling up and down the coast, 30,000 miles in my Mercedes. That was totaled; some guy ran into me in Florida.

Then I got a Mini Cooper, that was $9,000, had to give that back to the bank because I didn't have enough money for that. But I've gone up and down the coast, I have driven all over, I'm all alone. Thank God I have Social Security, $2,500 a month from my first husband who died, and he was 29, I was 24, he died under his car.

But my three children are absolutely breathtakingly gorgeous, smart. My first daughter, she's a millionaire. And no drugs, no alcohol, they turned out perfect. So now one's in Florida, one's in Georgia, and I'm all alone. So now I'm back here in Westchester. I hate this place. There's nothing to do here. I was spoiled in Florida real quick with the water and all.

But I'm not an introvert, I'm an extrovert. I'm a golfer, I'm a singer, I did commercials for Ford that ran for a year. Ever since I got divorced and lost all my stuff, I stay in my car all day and I cry. And I eat my lunch, call the kids, whatever. And it's trauma. And I know it's you can't get unstuck. And this has been going on for six years.

I've been to counselors in Florida and Georgia; they were horrible. PhDs, all they do is ask you questions, you come back next week, you pour your heart out and they go, "Okay, so what's happening?" I can't get any help and I cannot get unstuck. And all I do is cry. And I cry in bed every morning worrying about where I'm going to go or what am I going to die of. My kids call me.

But I got letters from Becky. I'm in my car right now. It says, "What happens when someone hits the breaking point?" This is from Becky. "When grief feels unbearable, addiction, it's awful." And this is just now the man I'm with now, he was in the hospital, now I'm back here living with John, the guy from the Scottish guy. And he had tumors in his liver. Penn Medicine took I had to take him real quick. They put protons in his liver in this March. I swear to God, they we went back, they're gone. The tumors are gone from this proton treatment. Wow.

Mark Cameron: So Sandra, are you able to be near your kids or closer to them? Do they have the ability to support you if you were to move closer?

Guest (Female): Wait a minute, let me turn this up a little bit. My daughter in Florida calls me every other day. She's neat, she works 19 horses. My other one, she's angry at me, the millionaire. And my son's with a new doctor, thank God, horrible divorce. So I can't live with them. But this is terrible, you know? I took care of my parents when they died, and it's awful.

Brian Perez: We're going to have to come back to you after the break, but so just hold on here. Any question you might have for Sandra that you might want her to think about for the next two minutes as we do our break?

Dr. Alice Benton: Sandra, I want you to think about what about being in community is off-putting to you? Letting yourself be vulnerable, known, and stay in a set community for a longer period of time? Is that frightening to you?

Brian Perez: Okay, we'll discuss that when we come back here on New Life LIVE. Sandra, thanks for calling in today.

Host: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: So, Sandra in Pennsylvania, how would you answer the question that Alice asked you just before the break?

Guest (Female): I had a hard time hearing her, Mark. Can she say that again?

Dr. Alice Benton: Sure, Sandra. Is there something about being in a recovery community that is unattractive to you?

Guest (Female): No, not really, Alice. That's probably where I should be. My problem is financially. You mean buy a 55 and community? You mean to live there?

Dr. Alice Benton: No, I mean doing life with people that are pursuing recovery and stability and sanity.

Guest (Female): So you mean like a group, like therapy? A group therapy group?

Dr. Alice Benton: Exactly. Yes. And we can help you find that. But what we're hearing is that it just feels like there are messes all over the place, relationships are so tough. We hate that you're living in your car.

Guest (Female): Well, I'm not really almost. Yeah, I mean, I have a place to sleep, Alice, yeah.

Dr. Alice Benton: I see, yeah. You might be on the verge of homelessness but not entirely homeless. And I understand that finances are a major concern for you. So it can feel like recovery can't be the highest priority because you don't have a stable place to live. I'd ask you to think about something like the Salvation Army, where they have a live-in rehabilitation program.

They provide Christian individual counseling, they have a work program as well, and it would be a place where you could get stability in your life, you could get your feet back under you again. It's a major commitment and it's very difficult to do, but the people that stick with it, they do get their life back in order.

And you said yourself you don't want to just be asked questions, you don't want passive therapy. You need direction, you need homework, you need structure, and the Salvation Army could provide that. Our New Life recovery groups could also help provide that if you don't yet feel ready to take the big step of going into a rehab program.

But looking for a counselor in our network or groups in our network that you need direction, you need to be a very active clinician, and you need homework to be given to you; that will help you find the right fit clinician.

Mark Cameron: Sandra, as I'm hearing you talk and I hear you talk about crying in your car, that sounds like depression to me, but then also talking about just needing to be around others and that you just kind of feel alive and feel good. I'm seeing these extremes of just this really high and then this low. And have you ever been diagnosed with something like bipolar disorder?

Guest (Female): No, I tried that, Mark. I did that years ago at Penn, and they said I wasn't. But at Penn they said I have a sadness. I have three cousins who committed suicide on my mother's side. You know, three of them. So and they're all the one family all committed suicide. So I'm watching all this stuff with these kids at school being killed and Rob Reiner, I'm still crying over him. I can't get over that. I cried all day yesterday looking him on my phone.

Mark Cameron: So you said you've tried that. Have you ever been diagnosed with an official disorder? Have you gone to a psychiatrist before?

Guest (Female): Well, I did go to one at Penn years ago in Philadelphia and they tested me. And I went to another one and they said no, I just have sadness. And the thing is, Mark, I put a play on. Remember the Broadway play Chorus Line? I have pictures of me dancing in a tuxedo when I was 35. I look out with a top hat on. That's the way I used to be. I put plays on all my life. I was the most they crowned me queen of the school all-American, I played golf.

Mark Cameron: You've had some high highs in your life. And you're clearly an extrovert; you're clearly somebody who needs to be around others and you gain energy that way. But I also think, you know, just at that stage of life too, you're 78 years old, it's really good to be under the care of a physician, especially if I'm saying this right, a gerontologist.

Somebody who specializes with the population of your age who can just kind of keep you closely monitored and you have several checkups with, because it does sound like there's at least some depression in there for you, Sandra, and I think that would be a good idea just to have that checkup or have a screening.

Dr. Alice Benton: And as you pointed out, you're a speedy talker. You also, I think, have racing thoughts and I think they jump around very quickly from one topic to another, which could be a symptom of bipolar disorder. It could also be a symptom of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

And so if you're finding that you have all these awesome talents you've been able to get out there and take these wonderful risks in the entertainment industry, but then you're also on the verge of homelessness, what a confusing dichotomy in your life. And it could be that it's difficult to rein in your thoughts and stay structured because you have so many creative thoughts running through your mind.

Brian Perez: What would you say is the difference between having a sadness or a deep sadness versus full-on depression?

Mark Cameron: Well, depression is a deep sadness that lingers and it doesn't go away. I mean, we all feel sad at times and usually it's situational and it tends to be brief. Of course, you could have a feeling of sadness for a day or so, but typically depression lasts for a couple of weeks and it starts to affect your eating, your sleep, lack of motivation, feeling really guilty about things, and then of course there could be self-harm thoughts in there too.

Depression is really just this low mood that just kind of lingers for a long period of time. And sometimes people have a single episode of depression which is often brought on by a situational event like losing a person who's close to you or losing a job, but sometimes depression can be recurrent too where it just seems like it comes back and there's no situational trigger to it.

Dr. Alice Benton: And when we start to see impairment in functioning, that's when we can diagnose a clinical level of depression. So if relationships start to fall apart or you can't hold down a job or your housing is unstable, it's usually a sign that things have gone to a clinical level.

Brian Perez: Okay, Sandra, thanks for calling in today. We're going to send you a copy of Take Your Life Back from the NewLife.com store, and everybody listening and watching is going to be praying for you that you will be able to take your life back and that things will get a little more back to normal for you. God bless you.

Thanks for listening there in West Chester, Pennsylvania. You know, when you support New Life, you're helping people connect with transformational resources that can have an impact on future generations. When one person breaks an addiction, gets healed, gets healthy, it has a ripple effect on those around them for generations to come.

Your generosity makes a real difference and we are so thankful for gifts of any size. You can give online at our website NewLife.com or you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. And when we say gifts of any size, we mean that. I think sometimes people will feel, "Well, if I just give a few dollars, it's not going to make that much of a difference. I've heard of people who will just write a check for 50 grand or something, and what's my little $20 donation going to do compared to that?"

But I would say, send it anyway, because we will put it to work right away. You hear all the help that we provide to people who call in, and we've got a 24/7 resource at NewLife.com. There's so many videos and articles there that you can read or watch, share with your friends, so definitely whatever you can do will help.

Dr. Alice Benton: And we serve a God who takes the couple fish and couple loaves and multiplies them, so there's no amount that is too small. We so appreciate you helping us continue this work.

Brian Perez: Yep. We've also got resources available for sale there in the NewLife.com store, lots of books there including Mark Cameron's book Understanding Your Attachment Style. That one's available for purchase there. We suggest you get it from us just because, we've got lots of goodies, extra goodies that you can get when you purchase it there at NewLife.com.

And we so do appreciate you guys, our long-time listeners who have been with us from the beginning, maybe you just found out about us online on YouTube, maybe it came up on your algorithm or something, or maybe somebody told you about our show and suggested that you call in. Well, now we ask you to also tell other people about us.

We are here all the time, Monday through Friday, and you can find out our recording schedule on our website NewLife.com. If you cannot call in when we are here in the studio, you can also submit your question by either leaving us a voicemail or sending us an email. We prefer to hear the sound of your voice, we love dialoguing with you guys, but we totally understand if you can't call in when we're here in the studio, so we've made other ways for you to get your question to us.

You can also follow us on social media to keep up with what we're doing. So much going on. I suggest you subscribe to our newsletter there at NewLife.com and you'll always know what's happening here at New Life Ministries. For Mark Cameron and Dr. Alice Benton, I'm Brian Perez. God bless you guys.

Host: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing and we're so glad that you're here.