New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Have we got a deal for you today on New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, joined by licensed professional clinical counselor and president of New Life Ministries, Ms. Becky Brown, Mrs. Becky Brown technically. And our special guest for the next two hours is Ron Deal.

Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 15 published resources. He's an international conference speaker specializing in marriage enrichment and stepfamily education, and host of the FamilyLife Blended podcast.

Ron is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He's the director of FamilyLife Blended for FamilyLife, founder of Smart Stepfamilies, and the author and consulting editor of the Smart Stepfamily series of books, including the bestselling *Building Love Together in Blended Families: The Five Love Languages* and *Becoming Stepfamily Smart*, which is a book co-written with Dr. Gary Chapman that's available in the New Life store, by the way.

Ron, with all that going on, I'm so happy you found time to be with our viewers and listeners for two hours today. Welcome to the show.

Ron Deal: Thank you very much for having me, Brian. It's an honor to be with you guys. Becky, I really appreciate all that New Life does for the Christian community and the world. Thank you for having me.

Brian Perez: For sure. We're not just taking calls on blended family issues today, though we may give priority to Mike or Carol Brady if they call in. Maybe even Jan, Greg, or Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Marcia always gets priority. Definitely Alice the housekeeper if she calls in to 1-800-229-3000. Ron, what's the number one challenge in raising a blended family?

Ron Deal: Blended family dynamics are just a little upside down in some ways. I think the number one challenge is most well-intentioned, good-hearted, loving, Godly people walk into a relationship with a child, or their new partner has a child, and they just don't know what they don't know. Nobody's ever really told them about the upside down, if you will.

That stuff takes them by surprise, and sometimes you get disillusioned and discouraged and not sure what to do about it. You keep trying the same old strategies that were really designed for biological family units, but applied to a blended family, sometimes it gets you the opposite result you're looking for. What we do is fundamentally help people get stepfamily smart, we call it. The smarter you are, the better your family does.

Brian Perez: Do you think TV shows like *The Brady Bunch* maybe put it on such a pedestal that everybody thinks it's easy? Like with most sitcoms, everything looks easy on TV because it's only half an hour. All the problems get resolved in 30 minutes. What would you say?

Ron Deal: Yes, absolutely. As a matter of fact, that contributes to the notion that stepfamily living is exactly like biological family living. By the way, I've got a message for the church. It's not just *The Brady Bunch* or movies. When a pastor does premarital counseling with a couple getting married with five or six kids, two exes, and multiple family losses that they've lived through, and they do premarital counseling exactly the same way they do it with a couple getting married for the very first time who have no children, we're sending a message that stepfamily living is no different than biological family.

It is exceedingly different. We have just contributed to the fantasy that ends up causing a lot of conflict and difficulty. That kind of thing happens a lot. We're not only trying to help couples at FamilyLife Blended, we're trying to help the church understand these differences as well.

Brian Perez: If you find yourself in a blended family situation, call in today. 1-800-229-3000. Maybe you're engaged and you will soon have a blended family, or maybe you're dating someone and you're thinking, "Can we make this work?" Let's talk about it today with Ron Deal and Becky Brown. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We can't wait to hear from you. If you're watching right now on Facebook or YouTube, you can call in, too. We've got the number right there on the bottom of your screen. It's 1-800-229-3000.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: We've had so many great guests on the show recently. Dr. John Townsend was on New Life Live twice last week, and today we've got licensed marriage and family therapist and blended family expert, Ron Deal. He's going to be here for two hours along with Becky Brown at 1-800-229-3000. Let's get right to the phones, beginning with Gina, who listens to us in Los Angeles on a podcast. She downloads our podcast and listens that way. Thank you, Gina, so much for subscribing to our podcast. How can we help you?

Gina: Good morning. Thank you so much for taking my call. For a while, I had an instinct that there was something going on with my husband. I discovered that he was making phone calls, numerous and lengthy phone calls, to a classmate from high school. He and I have been married 45 years.

This moment is just disturbed and shattered my peace. To what extent should I insist on full disclosure? It's kind of trickled to me when we've talked. At first, he denied it, and then he said it was reunion planning. He said, "Oh, she listens to me," which is ironic because I've been telling him for years that I don't feel listened to.

He's refused to tell me any detail like at least where she lives or anything like that. Did he see her? He said he saw her for coffee. Since that's been trickling, the information has just been trickling, I'm not sure I can trust what he's saying. It is just the enormous amount of calls.

Brian Perez: Becky, what would you say to Gina?

Becky Brown: Gina, first, I would just say I'm so sorry that you're going through this. 45 years of marriage, and it just sounds like it's blown up. Your disorientation is expected. It just sends you on a path where nothing makes sense. You wonder when did it start, all of those kind of things.

You can ask for whatever you need. The challenge will be how does it come out? Do you have anybody, whether it's a counselor or good friends, that know about this situation?

Gina: I've talked to peer counselors at our church. We started counseling just after we went to the Intimacy in Marriage this February. The horrific thing is that he wasn't convicted at all during this session. He was calling her from the time that I, in early January, when I said we need to go now because I've been saying for years we needed to go. Even up to the day before that I confronted him. It's just a lot.

Becky Brown: Gina, so the challenge that you have, this requires a lot more than just a peer counselor. You guys are in a crisis, and you're going to need someone who's going to walk you through this, both of you. The big question is, does he want to work it out? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to continue the marriage?

These are early days in the discovery, but there is a process that many couples have gone through and found connection on the other side. There's a lot of work that has to be done right now to get some truth and some understanding between the two of you. Ron, what would you suggest in a situation like this?

Ron Deal: Becky, I agree with your thoughts there. I would just add, I'm wondering who has leverage, Gina, with your husband. What I mean by that is it could be his brother, his dad, his best friend. If he shares your faith convictions, it could be a pastor, could be another leader at the church that he trusts pretty deeply.

Obviously, you've requested, you've asked, that hasn't had much leverage. You went to an event, that hasn't seemed to create any confession or change or for him to become more forthright about what this relationship and the nature of it is, changing his behavior. Who could you bring alongside you that perhaps has a voice with your husband that he would listen to? Is there anybody you think of?

Gina: Well, we did just go to our first counseling session. We got referred by New Life Live. At church, I guess I'd have to go to a deacon or the pastor. There's several pastors. I'd ask him if he wants to go. He's been very willing for the counseling and he's been cooperative.

Ron Deal: That's good, Gina. Let me just say, long term, that's the right answer: the counseling. Honestly, a therapist might not have much voice with your husband until some relationship has been developed after a few sessions. I'm just wondering if there's somebody already in existence who is his best friend, somebody you could go to and say, "Look, we're having a little difficulty here, and I just wonder if you would help speak into my husband's decisions at this point." I don't know if that person exists. There's some men that just don't have any friends. They just haven't trusted their life to anybody. I'm asking just for you to pray and think about who might be in his life that he would listen to.

Gina: That's the thing. He's relied a lot upon old friends that are within this group that this woman is at. That's not a good place. The closest one would be a brother-in-law, but I am just so devastated. I don't even want them to know this. I'm embarrassed. I feel exposed.

Becky Brown: That's the hard part, Gina. I know. But here's the thing, Gina. You didn't do anything wrong. I know that you're carrying his shame, and that is not your shame. He is the one that is in the wrong.

This is not to condemn him. Like I said before, we've seen lots of couples who have gone through this and been able to make a plan and get healthy and get well. This is a symptom of his disconnection, the isolation that many men go through. Now he's made this connection that's not even based in real life. I know they've had a connection, but my first step for you, Gina, is for you to tell somebody. The fear that you're exposing something, it's not you that you're exposing, it's him.

You can ask him, the first question is for him to stop making the calls. You make this agreement. I know that sounds pretty elementary, and you may have already asked that of him. Have you asked?

Gina: Yes, I do. He says he has.

Becky Brown: And you know that for sure?

Gina: I'm always checking our system, our record, our phone records. I don't know, my mind goes elsewhere. Does he maybe have another phone somewhere? Some other way to connect with her? That's where my doubt is.

Becky Brown: That's understandable, Gina. Whenever you have been betrayed, this kind of thinking goes into wanting to make sure that I'm not missing something. What I want for you is to lean into that, and that's where, like Ron is suggesting, that you reach out to a pastor.

He needs another man to speak some truth into his life. Whether it's the brother-in-law, whether it's not, you're not condemning him. You're just bringing light into this darkness that's come into your marriage.

Brian Perez: Is this the first time this has happened, Gina?

Gina: As far as I know. He's done some things that lack character over the years and have concerned me, but we've somehow managed through them. Even our pastor has been very upfront and said, "Men, you don't need to go fishing around in your past on Facebook and your classmates and stuff." I asked him, "Didn't you listen? Didn't you hear?" Obviously, he didn't. We had many arguments over him being too involved with reunions and that sort of thing. I attended some, but it was just not something I wanted to be around.

Ron Deal: If I heard you right, Gina, he has stopped making phone calls, correct? As far as you know. Good. That's a step in the right direction. You guys are connected to a counselor. That's another good step in the right direction.

I know your heart is deeply heavy and rightfully so. You don't know what this means. You don't know where this ends up. At the same time, you've got two good things that are going for you. Our prayers are absolutely with you.

The heaviness of your heart needs to find expression in your counseling. Let it out. Let that be a part of it. Be real in that, because something is behind all of this activity on his part. I'm sure there's a space for your relationship to grow through this whole difficulty. Don't hold back in therapy. Let it go so that the process can work for you.

Gina: We both bear the burden. We both do.

Brian Perez: I like what you said, Ron, as a reminder to people when they are in therapy not to hold back. Because sometimes because of shame or whatever the case might be, it's like, "Well, I can't say everything." It's shameful. The tears will start flowing and everything else, but it's important.

Becky Brown: Gina, you had said in your original question that he just kind of tells you things along the way. You haven't had a reckoning where you understand everything that's been going on. Is that right?

Gina: Right. Yes, that's true.

Becky Brown: That's also very damaging to you because those are like drive-by confessions. It makes him feel better in the moment because he's relieved himself of some of that shame, that guilt, but it leaves you devastated every time.

In counseling, we talk about having full therapeutic disclosure, and there's processes to it. It takes preparation on your part, too, Gina, so that you can hear whatever the truth is and not have more damage like you've been experiencing with these drive-by confessions. It's very important to have a trauma-informed counselor. Somebody who's worked with sexual addiction is helpful. There is protocol that's set in place so that you can have understanding, that we can find out what's driving this behavior. He doesn't even probably know where this is coming from. There's a reason for the behavior, and it's not just because he's terrible. It's literally just there's something that's making this happen, and he's not making good choices. There's hope and there's help. I love what you just said, Ron, because we tell women all the time: let all those tears flow. Get to the bottom of those emotions because there's healing that can come with that.

Brian Perez: So, Gina, stay on the phone and we'll send you a tip sheet called *Five Surprising Facts About Betrayal*. That's available to anybody that calls in to 1-800-NEW-LIFE. We'll also put it in our show notes if you're watching us online. Again, it's called *Five Surprising Facts About Betrayal*.

Ron Deal is our guest today on New Life Live. He is here with Becky Brown, licensed professional clinical counselor. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist and also a blended family expert. We would love for you to call in today and talk to Becky and Ron. We're going to be in the studio for two hours. The phone number 1-800-229-3000 if you don't already know it. Speed dial, yes, for sure. 1-800-229-3000. Share the number, share our website with your friends, too. It's NewLife.com. They can also watch the show on Facebook and YouTube. Plus we have an app and so much more going on here at New Life Ministries. Thanks to your faithful partnership with us. We'll be back in just a moment with Dawn in Seattle coming up on New Life Live.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: A new episode of the Every Man's Battle podcast dropped today where JJ West and Doug Barnes equip men for one of the most critical moments in recovery: answering a crisis call from a struggling brother. They show how to respond with a no-shame posture, deep listening, and practical support instead of panic, lectures, or quick-fix advice. You can find today's episode at NewLife.com, on our YouTube channel and app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Every Man's Battle has helped thousands of guys reclaim their sexual integrity in the past 20 years or so, and we're now in the third season of the EMB podcast, so check that out. If you've missed past episodes, you can watch them there online.

Let's go back to the phones. 1-800-229-3000. Dawn in Seattle, Washington, who watches us on YouTube. Let's wave hi to Dawn. Thank you so much for calling in today. How can we help you, Dawn?

Dawn: I just love your show so much, and I'm so excited that Ron Deal is there today. I am a single mom, and I'm just getting back out into dating, having been divorced for two years. I'm just wondering, how do I help my kids adjust to me being out in dating?

Brian Perez: How old are your kids, Dawn?

Dawn: My kids are 16 and 15. Unfortunately, they themselves are in the age of being interested in the opposite sex. I'm just trying to figure out the right way to go about doing that.

Ron Deal: Dawn, thank you for the question and thank you for being proactive with this. I think one of the biggest mistakes single parents make is not really staying in tune with their children as they're headed into dating relationships, and then making decisions about marriage and a new blended family. Good for you.

We have nine books in our Smart Stepfamily series. One of them is called *Dating and the Single Parent*. That is the book for you. It will take you from you're just even thinking about dating all the way up until the point of engagement. We have another resource, *Preparing to Blend*, that is a premarital guide for those who are engaged, taking you up through the wedding.

*Dating and the Single Parent* is going to offer an idea, and let me just lend it to you right here. It's called the "what if" ongoing dialogue that you have with your children. Imagine, I don't know where you are in the dating process, let's assume you haven't started dating yet or maybe you've dated somebody once or twice. "What if, kids, mom were to start dating again?" That's the appropriate question to ask at this point in your process.

Here's what you're trying to do with this "what if" question. You're trying to feel the room. You're trying to get a sense of where are my kids with even the idea of that happening because you want to get input from them. No, you are not making your children in charge of your dating life. You are not doing that. You're still the mom. You get to make that decision. But what you are doing is checking in. It's a periodic check-in to see how they are feeling, what they are experiencing, how does that land on them?

That's the first question: "What if mom were to start dating again?" Then after you go on a date or two, you might say, "Well, I went out with this guy a couple of times. I'm thinking about going out again. How would you guys feel about that? What if mom continued to date this guy?" See, that's a new question. It's a new season, it's a new space for the children and they may have a different opinion. They may have stronger feelings. They may have changed their mind from whatever they told you the first conversation. You check in with them periodically about that.

It's the "what if" and you're trying to anticipate what's coming and prepare them for it and listen to them. Here's what you're not doing. You are not trying to convince them that the guy you've fallen in love with is the greatest guy in the world and they ought to get on board with this whole. You're not trying to sell you having a new relationship. You're listening, you're absorbing. That is going to inform your decisions. It might help you speed up, might help you slow down. It might help you think, "I need more conversation with these kids around this stuff," or no, I think we're doing okay. That's the point.

Engaging them, you're also assuring them Mom has not forgotten about you. The biggest mistake in falling in love with a new person is the kids feel like, "Oh, so we've now lost you to that new person." No, you keep moving toward your children emotionally with attachment, connecting, even as you're moving toward a new adult in your life that you're falling in love with, perhaps. You want to be moving in two directions: toward your kids and toward that new dating partner. That engagement informs your decisions, helps them feel assured, and you're tracking with them along the path.

Let me just pause now and toss it back to you, Dawn. What as you've listened to that, what do you imagine would happen if you were to implement that at this point?

Dawn: I appreciate you mentioning the "what if" scenarios. That's actually kind of what I've started to do a little bit. I've asked my kids, "What if I were to get remarried again?" I asked them a couple questions, and they said, "Well, we would like to meet the guy as soon as possible." There's no guy yet, so I have to work on that part of it. But as far as, yeah, that's a great idea.

Ron Deal: Back it up a little bit and maybe start asking the question not just about marriage because it's hard for them to imagine that when they haven't met the guy. Just back up. You're doing the right thing, you're on track, and just ask that over and over and over so you check in, you tune in, and that's going to help both of you.

Brian Perez: We're coming up to a break, but Ron, at what point does Dawn introduce the kids to a potential boyfriend or even a date? If he comes to the door and they're going to know at that point, "Oh, who are you? You're not the Amazon guy." Like you said, it's different depending on the ages and stuff.

Ron Deal: That's exactly right. There's a developmental decision to be made there. If you're not serious about an ongoing dating relationship or person and you think there's you're not sure if there's potential in that relationship, then I wouldn't I would be cautious about introducing your children to them. Why get them invested if it's just going to not go anywhere?

Depends on how casual you are about dating. The other let me do the opposite effect for those that are listening or watching. If you have children under the age of five, be very cautious about introducing your children to a dating partner because small children have this big window of attachment. They will let people into their hearts and lives quickly and they can bond with your dating partner more than you are, deeper than you are, and then if you break it off, they've gone through another loss in their life. You want to be really careful with young children.

Becky Brown: I just agree with what you're talking about, Ron, because there's so many things at play, but I also think the person who's going back into a relationship, I would say do your work. Do your own healing work so that you're not looking for your dating person, the person that you're dating or your prospective, to fix everything that was hurt in the first relationship. That happens so often and a lot of people show up and they look bright and shiny, only to be the same exact thing that you just left. I know that sounds pretty harsh, but it's true. We hear it all the time.

Ron Deal: That is exactly right. I've got one more thought because there are lots of later life people who are widowed or divorced and are thinking about dating again and you think because your children are adults, you're not going to have to have any of these "what if" conversations. That is not true. They are just as invested in their mom's well-being or their dad's well-being. They want to know what's happening with their life and their family, and they want to go home at Thanksgiving and know that it's still home. If you marry somebody else, adult stepfamilies have as many transitions as stepfamilies with younger age children still in the home. Don't make that assumption. Still engage your adult children. Start having dialogue with them. Bring them along in the process rather than just saying, "Hey, surprise, I'm getting married again." That will not serve you well.

Brian Perez: If you are an adult child and you recently found out that mom or dad is going to be dating again, maybe you've got questions. Maybe your mind is like, "I cannot let this happen. I don't know what's going on." Call in. We can talk about it at 1-800-229-3000 with blended family expert Ron Deal joining us for the rest of this hour and all of next along with Becky Brown. Becky, it never ceases to amaze me how many people we've helped in the last going on four decades. And through this month, even though it's only what, 9-10 days old. How does this happen, Becky?

Becky Brown: Through God's miracle-working power through people who support the ministry. I was talking to somebody earlier today and they were telling me their New Life story about how because they interacted with us on some level, whether it was a workshop or we connected them with a counselor or they called the resource center and asked for a book or asked for some help, their life was changed.

What I would say to you, if you're listening to this program today and you've been impacted by New Life, would you please pay it forward? There's somebody else that's going to tune in that's going to hear what we share on the program, and it's going to make an impact in their lives. We want to continue to do the work that God has for us to do in the lives of so many people through Godly Christian counseling, the workshops, our New Life recovery groups that are all over the world. We hear from people all over the world. Your giving makes a difference in the lives of so many people. Today is your day if you haven't already given. Start today.

Brian Perez: You can do that at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text NLM to 28950. To make a difference on a recurring monthly basis, you can become a "99 for the 1" partner. Learn more at NewLife.com/99for1. Back to the phones now. Here is Sally in Kearney, Nebraska, who listens to us on Sirius XM channel 131. Welcome, Sally. Thank you for calling 1-800-229-3000. You're on with Ron Deal and Becky Brown. Go ahead.

Sally: Yeah, I'm just kind of perplexed. I've remarried late in life, and both of us have adult children. The youngest is probably in his 30s. Everything's been fantastic. We're over five years now.

The issue is coming up now where one of his sons is in a wheelchair. He can still do most of his things by himself, but my husband supports two of his adult children financially. He's a great dad, but we don't spend any time together. Other than go out for lunch or for supper, maybe once a month, it's nothing.

The one in the wheelchair has recently been sick off and on, and I am in the healthcare field and have some knowledge that way. So on my days off from work, I shouldn't say I'm expected, but I feel obligated to outdo the care on my days off. I have to plan everything after lunch, and I have brought this stuff up to my husband. I can sense that he's hurt, and I don't know what my role is. I feel so obligated because I've been in the healthcare field for years. I care for people, and yet I'm saying I don't want to care for this person. I don't know what to do.

Ron Deal: You've been married for five years, I believe, right, Sally?

Sally: Right.

Ron Deal: Is this a new thing, this not getting much time with your husband? Is this a new thing? Do you think is it kind of brought on because of the situation with the healthcare needs of your stepson?

Sally: No. Of course, the dating, which we got married rather quickly, but we walked, we went for walks, we went for rides, we did all kinds of things. He'll make comments saying that he's a boring man and maybe that's why his first wife left him. Him and I get along great. We have the same values, same morals. I don't want to go out drinking, I don't want to do anything like that. I just want to do something, whether it's movies or whatever, and I have voiced all this to him. He'll say things like, "Yeah, I need to be more invested," but if I bring up stuff about the financial, we're close to retirement age and I don't know. It's perplexing.

Ron Deal: I hear in you a desire for more closeness, more connection with your husband. That challenge has even more factors making it difficult in the fact that your stepson's healthcare needs, so there's even more things to draw and be a distraction away from the two of you is what I think I'm hearing.

I think at the heart of your question, I'll just say this, is that distinction between his connection with his son, we call that that biological very strong emotional connection there, versus your step relationship with him. Of course, you love your stepson, not saying that, but it's not the same. Your level of obligation for care and provision for him is different than your husband's.

That's one of those little nuances that enters into parent-step-parent dynamic very often with children of all ages. This is a good example of that. You're just not feeling the same need to be there to give care the way your husband is. And again, that is a distraction away from the two of you getting time together.

I think there's three or four layers here. Even your husband saying that he's boring and that he knows he needs to invest a little bit more, but yet just can't quite get there. I don't know what that piece is about. Of course, that's something he would have to explore within himself. I'm just wondering about the utility of you being proactive toward the time together that you want, rather than waiting on your husband to plan or to join you in the planning. I wonder if you just took some initiative if that might make it a little more likely for that to happen. You're still going to have to care for that stepson, so I know that's going to be an ongoing matter to think through.

Brian Perez: We'll see if Becky has anything to add to the conversation when we come back from the break here on New Life Live. We're talking to Sally in Nebraska. We are here with Becky Brown and our very special guest, Ron Deal, who's going to be here for the rest of this hour and all of next. 1-800-229-3000.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: We're back on New Life Live. Becky Brown, what would you offer to Sally, our recent caller?

Becky Brown: Sally, I'm curious if you ever listen to the show.

Sally: Oh, yes. All the time.

Becky Brown: Okay. Thank you for listening. I'm glad you do listen, but you've heard us talk about attachment styles, I'm sure, where when we talk about avoider, pleaser, controller, those kind of things. When I was listening to your story, it's pretty common when you were dating somebody that they're going to put out their best foot because why would they not?

But it's interesting because then after you got married, he was like, "Well, I'm boring and that's the reason why my first wife left me." I don't think that that's probably the whole story, but it does speak to the way that we do connect, the way that we do attach to one another. What I would love for you guys to do is I'm going to gift you a registration to our upcoming webinar, *Understanding Your Attachment Style*.

It will give you some insight into just the relationships themselves and to have clarity on how you do connect with one another. You have a lot in common, that's what attracted you to each other. But I wonder, too, Sally, if the son that's in the wheelchair, was he already disabled before you got married or was this a recent accident?

Sally: Oh, it's been years, way before.

Becky Brown: Okay. What happens a lot of times, Ron, I'm sure you can talk about this, too, is we don't have really difficult conversations before we get into relationships because we're just enjoying ourselves together. It would be so nice to share life together, and we just kind of dismiss the stuff that is everyday, always going on. One of the most important conversations you can have in a second relationship is how do we do family? How do we do money?

I would also say even in a first relationship, those are really important questions to ask, but it's really difficult when you're afraid to upset what's going on. Sally, I think that webinar will give you some insight. Ron, do you have anything else to say about those questions that we just don't want to ask?

Ron Deal: Sometimes crises force you to ask those questions, and so this is an opportunity to press in and say, "I'm looking for more out of our relationship, and I really want us to try to move in that direction. And we need to care for your son."

That's what life has thrown at you right now, and you've got to figure out a way to do that. What we don't want is for you to feel like your husband's time and investment in his son is somehow a betrayal of his love and interest in you. Yes, it takes his time. Yes, it takes his energy. But it doesn't necessarily have to take his heart. Let's try to figure that piece out for the two of you in the midst of caring for him.

One last thought. I heard a question a little bit about finances and some of those things and your husband caring for his children. We have a resource around that: an entire book on stepfamily finances, providing for one another, how you create a plan that honors both sides of the family, if you will, and the future, and I think it's really rooted in some good biblical principles. *The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning* will get you there. In the FamilyLife Blended podcast that I do, we've addressed that subject as well as many others on there many times.

Brian Perez: Ron, where can people find that book and all your other resources and your podcast?

Ron Deal: You can find all my resources anywhere where books are sold, Amazon, etc. Go to FamilyLife.com and you can find our FamilyLife Blended podcast, our events. We have a live stream event coming up that is worldwide on Saturday, April 18th, Blended and Blessed. We've done this for 10 years. We unite blended family couples around the world on a single day, and churches can use it later, they can use the recording as a small group tool. *Blended and Blessed*, you can find all of that at FamilyLifeBlended.com.

Brian Perez: FamilyLifeBlended.com. Awesome. Sally, check out that website, FamilyLifeBlended.com to get those resources from Ron Deal, but stay on the phone right now because as Becky said, we're going to gift you with a registration for next week's webinar called *Understanding Your Attachment Style*. As you know, our friend Mark Cameron recently wrote a book with that title, and Mark is going to be hosting this webinar, or presenting it, I should say, so check that out. It's next Thursday, the 19th, and you can find out all the details by going to NewLife.com. You can also text the word "webinar" to 28950 and you'll get a registration link and we'll also send you a free tip sheet on attachment styles.

We've only got a few minutes left this hour, Ron. We're going to be in the studio for another hour, so if you're on hold right now, stay on hold and we're going to keep the phone lines open for you to call 1-800-229-3000. Ron Deal, you mentioned these questions that need to be asked ahead of time. I'm thinking of, perhaps, a man and woman who started dating and maybe the woman said, "Yeah, I've got a special needs son or I've got a daughter who's got some mental health issues," whatever the case might be. The boyfriend, the guy she's dating, might be, "Oh, you know what, that's fine. I can handle that. That'll be fine." But if he was honest, he's probably thinking, "I don't know if I can handle this." How do those questions get brought up and what should the response be? Honesty is the best policy, of course, that the person should say, "You know what, I'm out," or maybe find a kinder way to say it. What would you say?

Ron Deal: In the book *Dating and the Single Parent*, we have a list of questions and topics and I call them there's green lights, there's yellow lights, and then there's red lights. Oddly enough, some people would say, "Wait a minute, something regarding my spouse's children shouldn't be a yellow light or a red light to our relationship. We love each other. We want to get married." Okay.

But let's distinguish. There's the loving couple-ness relationship, if we can call it that, and then there's the family-ness dynamics. Family-ness dynamics is what leads to blended family divorce more than the couple-ness dynamics. Yes, they should be a part of your dating exploration about the future.

We list some things like here's one that surprises a lot of people. This is at least a yellow light flashing light or could be a red light. If you're marrying somebody who has an ex-spouse that is terribly difficult and there's all kinds of examples of what that could be, but maybe they have mental health issues or maybe they're aggressive or assertive, they're playing kids off one home off the other, you're marrying yourself to that dynamic for the rest of your life. You're bringing your children into that dynamic for the rest of your life. It could be that somebody you love, their ex is a factor that helps you decide when, where, how, and whether or not you actually get married. Those are all things that are important because you're not just creating a marriage and a couple relationship, you're creating a family and so you've got to consider that on the front end.

If you're listening right now and you're going, "Well, we're already married. Now what do we do?" Well, you've got to get smart about those dynamics. Our tools and resources are designed to help you navigate that space as best you can. You can't change somebody in the other home, but you can learn how you're going to respond to what's coming from the other home, and that's what we'll try to help you do.

Brian Perez: What's that website again, Ron?

Ron Deal: FamilyLifeBlended.com will get you connected to everything we have to offer.

Brian Perez: Perfect. Becky, got about 40 seconds.

Becky Brown: I just am grateful for your insight, Ron, and just all that you're doing because there's so many blended families for so many different reasons. Family can be miserable if we're not focused on doing the work that it requires, and it can be beautiful when we do the work. I want to encourage everybody who's listening, if this is your story, don't just give in and say it'll never be better. Know that there's things that you can do. You can pray, obviously, that'll help, but you also can make some choices that can impact your life together. We want to encourage you to do that.

Brian Perez: Ron Deal is going to stick around with us for another hour, so keep calling in with your questions, whether or not they're about blended families. John, Lisa, and everyone else on the board right now, stay on hold, don't hang up, we want to talk to you, take your question. Becky Brown is going to stick around this hour as well. Call in. Phone lines remaining open for another hour at 1-800-229-3000. God bless you guys. We'll talk to you next time.

Voiceover: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad you're here.