New Life LIVE

Guest (Male): Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hope you had a fabulous Friday, a super Saturday and Sunday, and are ready to start a wonderful week on this marvelous Monday. No more manic Mondays. Welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez, excited to be in the studio for two hours today. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. If you're stuck in the past or have lost hope for the future, the best time to get back on track is today, right now.

We can help your procrastination issues too. Here to help you are licensed professional clinical counselor and president of New Life Ministries Becky Brown and Dr. Jim Burns, the founder of Homeword, who has a little something to say.

Dr. Jim Burns: So I'm going to talk about family today. A couple of weeks ago I spoke in Austin, Texas on complicated families. I might have even said this on the air. I said to the thousands of people in a great big mega-church, "How many of you do not have a complicated family?" No one raised their hand in each service. I never had anybody say, "Yeah, I don't have a complicated family." So we have complicated families.

What I thought about was I'm going to do a quiz, and I'm going to wonder how Becky's going to do and how you're going to do on this. Here's the quiz: what is the most often quoted scripture in the Bible? I have the answer. I'm not a Bible theologian, but I have the answer and it relates to what we're going to talk about. Anybody want to take a guess?

Brian Perez: Jesus wept.

Becky Brown: Jesus wept. You're a good Baptist. Shortest verse in the Bible.

Brian Perez: I would say the one about judgment. Don't judge me.

Dr. Jim Burns: It is with great deep honor and respect that I get to say to Becky, our president, and you, Brian, you're both wrong. Maybe you had something in your mind, listeners, and maybe it was John 3:16, maybe it was Psalm 23. There are so many great scriptures. Well, this is it. I guarantee you, this is it. It's called the Shema. It's in the Old Testament, and it's actually in Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

It's a trick question because every morning in an Orthodox Jewish home they quote it every evening. And by the way, when Jesus was born, there is no doubt in my mind—I wasn't there, I'm old, but I was not there—that Mary would have picked up that baby at one time and she would have recited these words. We need a roadmap sometimes with our families. Again, all families are complicated. No shame here. We just have complicated families. But we do have a roadmap and it is found in this. This is the roadmap for the Hebrews, but it's also our roadmap too as Christians.

It says, "Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength." Really what that means is loyalty and fidelity to God. So in the midst of all the turmoil that goes on in whatever season you're in—and it might be a tough season—what we want to do is do our best to bring loyalty and fidelity to God. That's what we're challenged to do.

It goes on to say, "These commandments that I give you today are to be written on your hearts. Impress it on your children." We get so many calls here with kids who are estranged if they're adult children or kids who aren't doing well, so many family things. Yet our job is not to be preachy and lectury. That doesn't work. But our job is to learn those commandments, put them into our heart, live it out, and then impress it on our children. I think that's what we're called to do.

It goes on to say also how you transmit faith and love. You know where it comes from? In the home because it says talk about it when you're at your home and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you get up. In other words, bring God into your home. I'm not saying that's perfect. I'm saying that's the roadmap for us to do life and make it less complicated even in complicated times.

Becky Brown: It's so true and I would never have guessed that, but I love the book of Deuteronomy. That particular phrase is so foundational to everything and we each have to practice that.

Brian Perez: That passage again is Deuteronomy 6 verses 4 through 9. Look it up, memorize it, and call us at 1-800-229-3000. We'll be in the studio for two hours today.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEWLIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: A new episode of the Every Man's Battle podcast dropped today. In this one, JJ and Doug discuss what it takes to become the type of man that will attract a godly woman. They unpack why character, emotional health, and humility matter more than perfection or chemistry. They'll also share candidly what they would do differently if they could redo their dating years.

If you're thinking today's podcast episode sounds like it's more for single guys, well, no, the married fellows are going to learn how to become or continue being the type of man that will keep that godly wife of his attracted and not repelled. You can find today's episode at newlife.com, on our YouTube channel and app, and wherever you get your podcasts.

Dr. Jim Burns: I'm ready to listen to that. I've been married 51 years and I've still got some work to do.

Becky Brown: That's right. And the Every Man's Battle podcast really is for everyone. I know it's Every Man's Battle, but I would encourage you if you are a wife of somebody who is struggling with their sexual integrity, it would be a great way for you to get information and inspiration about what's going on in their minds and their hearts.

It's the least obstacle for the guys who have not yet made the choice to go to Every Man's Battle. To tune in, you're going to hear from JJ and Doug who are presenters at our weekend. We know that this is a problem for so many guys. Even though I'm the only female on the broadcast today, I know that we've talked to people with this struggle and we want to help you get free and get clear.

Dr. Jim Burns: We have a very good friend who went through Every Man's Battle; he's a pastor. I was talking with his wife one day, and she said how she learned how to handle the pain and the issues actually was listening to this podcast. It wasn't for her necessarily, but she understood what her husband was going through in a more effective way than anything she had done. She's been through it all now. It's a really neat story that there was great redemption in the marriage. They have stayed married. He has now gone back into ministry. It wouldn't have happened if he didn't go to Every Man's Battle.

Brian Perez: Find out more at newlife.com/EMB. And if you're thinking, "Yeah, I think I'm doing pretty good in the sexual integrity front," well, you can take a quiz on our website at newlife.com/quiz. There's also one there where you can take an assessment of your marriage. Again, that's newlife.com/quiz.

If you want to call us today, we're going to be here for two hours at 1-800-229-3000. If you can't call in, we've got some other ways that you can get your question to us, and we've got those listed on newlife.com/radio. I'm telling you guys all these shortcuts today of how to get to our website.

There's newlife.com/quiz and everything else, but newlife.com/radio. There you can get our phone number and also a separate number if you want to leave us a voicemail. We have an email address there too where you can submit your question online. Here's one of those emailed questions we got. This is from Lynn, who is one of our monthly 99 for the 1 members. Thank you, Lynn. Her question: should my friend Katrina hold the secret in order to keep peace in the family?

Here's the backstory: my friend Katrina is 39. She just learned that her father is not her biological father. Her entire life is suddenly upside down. During a special time together exchanging gifts at Christmas, some friends had given everyone in their close group DNA kits. Katrina thought it might be a fun and interesting gift to receive. She was suddenly stunned and in shock when DNA results revealed that her father is not her biological father. Katrina confronted her mother, who was quite surprised that Katrina had discovered the truth about her dad. Katrina's mother admitted that she did in fact have an affair and that the secret must remain secret until she dies. Katrina feels tremendously confused and trapped. If Katrina brings this secret completely into the light, she fears it will blow up her family and her mother will punish her or possibly cut her off. What should she do? Becky, we'll start with you. What do you say to Lynn for Katrina?

Becky Brown: Simone, I wish that Katrina was the only one that this ever happened to in the history of man, but we know that that's not true. We know that there have been so many people who don't know their birth story for many reasons. It's just really unfortunate, but it's part of the human experience. Not giving any excuses, it's a reality. In this regard, I would say I love that Katrina has spoken with her mother, and my next step would be to find her birth father. If her mother knows her birth father, I would go in that direction.

The rest of the family aren't as integral to her story at this point—not that they're not important—but to go to them as opposed to find your father, I think is kind of a waste of time at this point. I've known too many people who have not taken the opportunity to find their birth parent when they find out these kind of things and then that person passes. Then there's that double grief that comes. Then I would say if Katrina isn't already in therapy, this is a great time for her to start to process what does this mean.

It's such a shock when you don't know your birth story or the beginning of your life. Everything that she thought was, in fact, wasn't. But here's the other thing: the man who raised her—and she doesn't give us that information—but the man who raised her is her father. I know that he didn't contribute DNA, but it's very important not to just disqualify. Of course, I know that there's a lot of complications because he may not have been the greatest father, and then you start idealizing who you could have had. All of those kind of things kind of come into play. Processing that with a therapist can be very helpful. But my suggestion would be first step, go find your birth father. He may not want a relationship. He may not even know that you exist. See, it's very complex. Jim, what would you say?

Dr. Jim Burns: Within our family system, very close to our family system, we have that story. It's turned out to be a good story. Both the birth father, who had no idea, and the mother have passed away. So ours is a little bit easier. We have found within a close situation in our life a new family and it's beautiful and incredible. So there are sometimes good endings.

But a couple of things. One is what I would say to Katrina if we're sitting here having coffee is "Honor vs. Protect." Her mom asked her to not let the whole rest of the family know. I actually lean toward not letting the rest of the family know. However, protect your own soul. She needs to make sure that she's either in counseling or talking through this so that she can be healthy. One of the things we find with this—and I didn't know a lot about this until it happened in our own family system—is sometimes they feel abandoned.

Katrina may feel abandoned by this birth father. So I think that's a good idea, Becky. Sometimes it's one more disappointment because the birth father will say, "I don't want to have any relationship with you." It was a one-night stand and blah, blah, blah. Not good stories. I think I hear more because of our family system, we are now hearing these stories all the time. I think I hear more negative things about that as you start the search and you find out that somebody is a murderer or they're this. It's just terrible. But I honestly think that with your mom, that's where she's held this. I feel sorry for her mom that her mom has held this. I really do because that's been a burden on her. I'm not saying the mom did this right because I think what we need to do is try to be as open and honest as we can.

But I do think there is a point with any in-law situation or with any parent situation where we do try to honor them if we can. Now that's not always the case. There are abuse situations, all kinds of things where we don't do that. But if we can honor and then protect our own soul, how do we protect our own soul? She needs to be talking about this with somebody and definitely it could be a counselor. It can also be her circle of support, a special friend. There's someone at her church who has also been in a situation like this and sometimes we can identify with that. So honor and protect. Lynn is probably one of those people that Katrina has already talked to, so in a good way she's going to get protection from Lynn. Lynn doesn't have to give her every answer. This is so new and fresh.

Becky Brown: Isn't it funny, Jim, because even between the two of us, there is this story in my own close family. So it's just you just don't know. Back in the '80s when the Privacy Act was repealed, a lot of adoptees who had been hidden—people didn't know who their birth parents were—all of a sudden they had access to birth records. Guess what? Just like the DNA stuff, they started to search for the people in their family and I've known so many people who have walked this path of what does this mean about me.

I always encourage them: lower your expectations because it's worth being curious. Everybody deserves to know and you may not be as delighted as you think you might be in finding your extended family. We had an experience in our family. There was a woman who had been in my youth group, and we know her as an adult, and she found out that she had a chance to meet her birth mother. She was adopted. She said, "Would you guys invite her to your house and I'll be at the house and we'll meet there? I just need some safe people around me." This birth mother came in and after an hour of it being really good, our friend said, "This was so special and I'm so grateful, more grateful than ever for my mom and my dad, not the birth mother." She was really glad for that birth mother too because I don't think she could have ever handled me and it could have worked. So she looked at it as a really positive thing. I said, "Do you want to continue in relationship with her?" She goes, "I'm not sure." And to be honest, I'm not that close to her, so I don't know if she has. I kind of think she maybe didn't. But she needed that. It was a closure thing for her.

Becky Brown: Well, the other part of that too is the bigger story of unexpected pregnancies. I won't say unwanted, I'm just saying there's lots of different seasons and situations. How do we get the message that your story may be different than traditional—mom, dad, then you come into the family—but God does so many incredible things with the stories. I would say to anybody who is, I've said to parents or people who have had an unexpected pregnancy, just like you just said, Jim, is to be open, honest, lean into truth. You don't have to broadcast it in this day of social media. You don't have to make it everybody's story. But you won't be the last one to make these kind of decisions in your life.

Like the story that you just told, I've known many like that too where they meet the birth parents and their image is changed dramatically and then they are very grateful for the family that they have been living with and are family, literally. I appreciated that this woman was grateful also for the birth mother who had the courage to keep the baby and hand that baby over to two other loving parents who are going to take care of her. Because she actually understood that this woman would not probably have been available just even emotionally and psychologically and maybe even spiritually like her adoptive parents were.

Katrina can be so grateful that her mom didn't choose abortion, that she raised her, she brought her in. Thank God she chose life and that she raised you in a family where you feel connected. So this is a secret to be treasured until it's discovered, all the parts of it. That's how I would suggest for Katrina.

Brian Perez: But would you say it's okay for Katrina to talk to a counselor because that wouldn't betray the confidentiality?

Becky Brown: Absolutely. Because we counselors keep secrets.

Brian Perez: Lynn, thank you so much for submitting your question. 1-800-229-3000 is our phone number.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEWLIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: We don't have enough going on at New Life Ministries, so we decided to schedule two webinars within two weeks of each other. Why not? Marc Cameron's "Understanding Your Attachment Style" webinar has been postponed to April 2nd, so there's still time to register for that.

And the president is doing a webinar for us, Becky Brown, president of New Life Ministries. Hers is called "Freedom from Fear and Anxiety," and it's taking place on April 14th. The timing of the fear and anxiety webinar is perfect: the day before tax day here in the USA. To get more information on these webinars delivered to your fingertips right now with a helpful tip sheet on both topics, just text the word "webinar" to 28950. Information is also available at newlife.com.

Becky Brown: And can I add one thing, Brian, about the one that I'm doing with "Freedom from Fear and Anxiety"? I'm going to have a special guest join me, Patsy Clairmont, who was one of our Women of Faith speakers. As you know, Patsy struggled with agoraphobia and has overcome. Obviously she spoke to thousands, millions of women over her Women of Faith days. But Patsy's such a wise woman and we're going to hear from her as well and we'll have a Q&A time. So make sure you sign up for our webinar on April 14th.

Brian Perez: Agoraphobia, which one's that again?

Becky Brown: That is a fear of big spaces. You want to stay at home. You don't want to go out in big crowds.

Brian Perez: Okay. So if that's somebody's issue right now.

Dr. Jim Burns: But you know what's interesting is when you have a fear, whatever it would be, then you can relate. So whatever Patsy—if it's fear of big crowds, well, that could also be the same issues a lot of times go with a fear of flying, a fear of heights, so many different fears. So that's why everybody should hear whatever Patsy has to say because it's going to relate to them. And if we don't have some kind of fear, we know somebody who does and they may not be sharing that.

Becky Brown: Anxiety is such a buzzword right now. No pun intended, buzz anxiety. You feel kind of agitated when you're anxious. But we want to understand it because there are some forms of anxiety that can actually push us to have a better experience, but what ends up happening is it overtakes us and then it makes us stuck into so many areas in relationships, in our jobs, just in our life experience. So we're looking forward to having a good evening with Patsy and you when you join us on the webinar.

Brian Perez: What do you tell someone who's been shamed because of their anxiety? Maybe they've been told, well, there are people who think that they have no anxiety whatsoever. So they look at someone who has anxiety, maybe panic attacks or whatever, and they just look upon that person as well, they're just not as strong. These people who are suffering with this, they kind of feel it and they don't want to talk about it.

Becky Brown: There is shame when you're feeling it because anxiety, like I said, there is this emotional feeling, a physical feeling. People get sick to their stomach, they get anxious headaches. There's all kinds of reactions that occur. But if you've been shamed because of it, it's because the person who shamed you doesn't understand it. And it doesn't mean that you are doing something wrong, but you do want to have some understanding of where it's coming from. What's prompting this?

Anxiety is also where we don't feel a sense of control in the situation. That's that agoraphobia thing, whether it's large crowds or an airplane like you said, Jim. It's not feeling the control in a situation. And so if you're feeling shame because of anxiety, the webinar is a great way to start into exposing it to the light so that you can find information, take a next step, and get some relief and get a process in place so that you can experience some freedom. Now, I'm not going to promise you that it's going to happen in that hour and a half that we meet, but it will be a good starting place.

Dr. Jim Burns: I actually have a friend who experienced some deep anxiety and it's funny because he's a friend that people might even know, a kind of a well-known Christian leader. He experienced some anxiety and depression and it just came out of nowhere. He said when people would come and see him and he said even when they gave him like, "Hey, here's John 3:16, you're going to be okay." And by no means, I believe the Bible is the Word of God.

But he said that didn't help. He said there was this truck driver at his church that had rough hands and had gone through the same thing at one time who would come and awkwardly hold his hand and they would watch basketball together. He said, "You know what, I never wanted that guy to leave because he understood." So I think we have to be careful when we have those close to us not to try to make them okay. Don't have anxiety, don't be anxious about anything. I'm not saying that's bad stuff. I'm just saying that sometimes what they need is just loving understanding. And I just kind of sense that what Jesus does is he comes up next to us and maybe he takes our hand and says something like, "I'll never leave you or forsake you." And I think we need to actually do that with people to help them get through it. That doesn't mean that they don't get counseling help. That doesn't mean that there aren't answers and sometimes those answers are actually even medical answers. But it's important for us to also understand that they don't need to be preached at as much as they need to be loved on.

Becky Brown: Never in the history of saying "just calm down" has it ever worked. I think I did to my kids when I would scream at them, "Calm down!" And I wasn't calm when I said, "Calm down!"

Brian Perez: Text the word "webinar" to 28950 to find out about each of these webinars or go to newlife.com and we'll talk to you at 1-800-229-3000.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEWLIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Becky Brown: I am so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways. It reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one.

We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life, and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEWLIFE, 1-800-639-5433, or newlife.com/99for1.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEWLIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: I want you to think about something. For many listeners, this broadcast is their only avenue to hear God's Word combined with free clinical advice to help navigate the ups and downs of life and apply principles that lead to lasting change. If you benefit from what you hear, please help support the work of this ministry with a gift of any amount. Every gift makes a difference.

Becky Brown: It sure does. Just last week I happened to be at an event where I had some listeners that came up and said hello and they appreciated what the ministry has done for their lives. I'm so grateful to hear that in person because that's what we're here for. We know in this world there are so many of you—actually everybody is—everybody's got some kind of struggle and we are offering godly Christian help.

Not just maybe take this advice, but literally we've done our work and we've seen life change over the nearly 40 years that we've been offering it and we never know who is hearing. So when you are giving to New Life, you're making it possible for people to hear the truth of God but also Christian counseling. I can't imagine in this world where so many things feel a little bit out of whack why you wouldn't want to give to something that's probably helped you along the way. So I want to invite you to be part of what God is doing through New Life today.

Brian Perez: You can do that at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEWLIFE or texting NLM to 28950. And if you'd like to help us make a difference on a monthly recurring basis, you can become a 99 for the 1 partner. Learn more at newlife.com/99for1.

Often on New Life Live, you hear calls that you just think, "Man, compared to that, I can handle what I'm going through." Well, maybe not, and maybe that's what's keeping you from calling in because you're thinking other people's problems are worse. No, if you're going through something, we want to help you. So call in. We're going to be here for two hours today at 1-800-229-3000. Let's go to the phones and speak with Simone. She is in Houston, Texas and listens on the New Life app. So thank you for downloading the app, Simone. Thanks for calling 1-800-229-3000. What's going on?

Simone: Hi. My question for the show, Brian, is that I have a son who, he and his wife, they have four children. In that, three of the children attend church with him. The dad, he has grown even stronger in his faith and his walk with the Lord. When he and his wife came back from being deployed overseas, it was like, "Okay, we're excited, we're back in the States, we're going to get into church together." They found a wonderful church home that they love.

The wife, somewhere along the line, she turned because of previous church hurt. Also they had a tragic house fire too that happened last year. When that fire happened, it triggered other feelings in her and she just was looking at where is God. When she was very young, at the age of 12, her mom tragically got a gunshot to the head and she was never the same for the rest of her life. Her mom passed probably about four years ago now. All through this, she always wondered where is God.

She was raised by an aunt who wasn't so kind to her, so she has a lot of childhood trauma involved with the fire happening and her feelings about God. Now she says, "I just look at a higher power," but she won't call it God. She has another word for it in her mind. So she won't go to church with him and she keeps one of the daughters... following suit with her and she stays back. She's the 18-year-old. My son ends up going to church with the other children. He's staying strong in his faith. He's been going to counseling. They're going through counseling at this time. When I asked him about how he feels, he's like, "Well, I'm just going to have to let God work through this." But how does a couple work through something like that?

Becky Brown: Simone, it's so hard when there's been so much change and loss: the fire, the move back to the States, raising kids just in general, and then this core wound that she carries into her mothering. This isn't to make her at fault, not at all. But given that the child that's not going is 18, there is a chance that the 18-year-old wouldn't be going even if mom was going.

My thought is to encourage the son to continue to do what he's doing. Bring the others to church, be part, be active, and pray for his wife and look for ways to have the conversation that is not trying to solve the problem. I agree, it'd be great if they're all going to church and they're all serving together. Obviously that's the ultimate. However, there's stuff that's unhealed right now and it doesn't feel safe for her. And you know, the question, I actually wrote it down, "Where is God?" It is the question that so many people ask when things go wrong or when they're disappointed with the church or when there are struggles in the family. God is everywhere, he's with you. However, when somebody's in that kind of pain, that is a question that a lot of people ask, isn't it, Jim?

Dr. Jim Burns: It sure is. Your daughter-in-law has been through a really tough season and sometimes people draw close to God during that time and sometimes people walking away and she's unfortunately going that direction. There are some positive signs. She's willing to get counseling. So whether it be for marriage or sounds like your son is getting it for himself and for couples and raising the kids and all that kind of stuff. That's a very good sign.

That means because she's continuing to go, Becky talked about safety and I think right now what she needs is a safe environment and if she doesn't feel safe in the church because of some disappointments or some mindset issues in her head, then you're going to have to let that go. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The other thing I would say is I think your son gets the award for doing this thing right because he's being faithful to God, he's being faithful to his wife, he's letting the three kids go.

I just want to say this: I have seen so many times that when the kids, let's say they're involved in children's ministry or youth ministry and they have an event, guess who comes? It's the parent who doesn't go to the church but will go because one of the children are singing or one of the children are doing something like that. And sometimes they go, "You know what, this isn't so bad. I thought this place was going to be bad like my last place and this is a good place." So they need safety. Where is God? One of the places she's going to see God is in the loving, patient hands and mouth and eyes of her husband. As Becky said, God is everywhere, but we often see God through love and through the love of a family member. I think he has his ways and especially because your son is being so faithful. Way to go.

Becky Brown: Jim, you just said something that I think a lot of listeners experience. If you're going through a hard time, church can feel really hard because church is people. People say things that they don't intend to be painful, but when you are tender, it can be very hard to go into those situations without feeling a sense of safety. So sometimes I'll tell people who are in those seasons—sometimes it's grief, sometimes it's other things—I say go late and leave early. Then you avoid the big crowd but you're in the presence, you're in the community of believers and it's so powerful to be there. We'll just be praying for this family, Simone, and know that God's working in it.

Brian Perez: Simone, everyone watching and listening is going to keep your family in prayer. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. We would love to talk to you about whatever it is you're going through.

Guest (Male): To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEWLIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: Thank you so much for watching and listening to New Life Live today. Call in to 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be here for the rest of this hour and all of next, and we just want to help you facing these struggles that you're going through. Let's talk to John in Oklahoma City.

John: I'll start with the question, but it has a lot of context. I'm involved taking care of my mother, caretaking, but she's in an assisted living facility. She's an alcoholic, but she can't be on that anymore. She's got some psych meds, she's dosed up pretty good on some different meds. She has Korsakoff's, which is dementia-related, alcohol pathway to dementia. She seems to still seek it out and I am absolutely spent for two years doing this. If somebody doesn't want it for themselves, how do I stay involved physically but just resign myself spiritually for my own sanity?

Dr. Jim Burns: Well, first of all, what you're going through is really tough and there's no easy answer. However, I think sometimes we so badly want someone to change that we keep pushing when in fact what we need to do is stay loving, but lower our expectations. To be honest, she's the one who will have to make some of those changes and there's a lot of complications there. My father was an alcoholic and he was involved in some things.

The best advice I ever got was somebody said you're going to have to lower the expectations. He may never be the dad you had hoped to have. Fascinating enough, my dad then got some help and made some courageous decisions and he became that dad very late in life. I'm not sure that's going to be the case with your mom in terms of all the struggle she's going through. But you can't do it alone. You want to make sure that—my wife says to me often, "Jim, you're not the only Jesus. You're trying to replace him. Don't do that."

In some ways, with some help that you can get from others just in terms of better understanding and realizing maybe you need to go there less time if you're going there every day. If you want her to change but she's not going to change, it's still okay. You're still showing her love. You never know, even with someone with dementia, you never know how much you're getting through to them. I would move it from pushing to more just kind of being there. In some ways you have to grieve that. That's where I think it comes. You're calling a show where we are big on counseling and I think that's where to be able to talk to somebody about the grief of the loss because it's a sense of loss. You're looking at your mom. If it was somebody else, it would be easier. This is your mom. The sense of loss, somebody can help you think through that grief. Grief is a process and it comes in waves. I sense in your voice that this is such a trying time for you. Sometimes you have to be around someone that kind of goes, "I'm not sure there's anything more you can do." Be there, but make sure you're getting the help you need too.

Brian Perez: Are you the only sibling, John?

John: No, I have another sibling and it's complicated because my mother and my sister always, they were feminists. They teamed up on me as a child. My dad was checked out. I have a lot of these bad memories, and my sister is trying to leverage that for her advantage with her money. She's been manipulating my mom with money issues for inheritance, I think. I'm trying to stand against that at the same time going against this old stigma. But that paradigm is shattered in my mind because I'm in Christ now. I'm fighting that.

Becky Brown: John, I can sense the frustration and it's coming from the past as well as the present. But you can't do this. I'm not going to repeat everything that Jim just said, but he was preaching the gospel. One of the key things about being healthy in times of stress like this is the support. I would suggest you get involved with either a codependency recovery group or even a caregiver recovery group.

But also your key is you want to move towards objectivity. The woman that's in this care facility is—yes, she's your mother by birth and that relation—but now she moves into someone who you are going to care for, but you're going to allow the people in the organization to care for her. When you start to feel that resentment come up either toward your sister or toward your mom, that's your work to do as opposed to just stuffing it down. Money at this stage in our parents' lives can really corrupt just the way that we go through it. One question I would say, John, is you have to decide how much do you need from your mom, whether that's finances, whether that's love, whether that's care. When you can get to a place of fully surrendered—I don't need anything from you, Mom. I am so grateful that you brought me into this life. I am so sad that you are going through this disease that is taking your life and I'm going to do what I can and I'm going to stay on my side of the street. It's totally surrendered. I'm going to do what I'm going to do because that's who God's called me to do whether I get that money or not.

John: I do have a counselor I can tap into. I haven't utilized him in a while. I think that's great, the support I do have a little bit of that. But I don't know, the money side I struggle with because I'm doing 99% of the work and it feels like my sibling wants the money and I don't know how much to fight for that. I could use it, but I'm not thinking of that. I do this for my mom even if I got not one cent.

Becky Brown: John, when your heart can match up with that thought process, you're going to feel the relief. And it's a very difficult thing. I've had to do this in our own life and it's literally total surrender. I'm going to do what I'm going to do because that's who God's called me to do, whether I get that money or not. When your heart can match up with that thought process, you're going to feel the relief.

Brian Perez: John, thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. That's all the time we have on this hour, but we're going to be here for another hour. So keep calling. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. God bless you guys.

Guest (Male): Thank you so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.