New Life LIVE

Announcer: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hey, thanks for joining us today on New Life Live. My name is Brian Perez and I'm joined by Becky Brown, the president of New Life Ministries. She's also a licensed professional clinical counselor. And Ron Deal is back with us again. Ron is a licensed marriage and family therapist with more than 15 published resources.

Ron is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He's the director of Family Life Blended for Family Life and founder of Smart Stepfamilies. Welcome back Ron, it's so good to have you on again.

Ron Deal: It is always an honor to be with you guys. Thanks for having me.

Brian Perez: Ron was last on March 9th. You're hearing me saying that Ron is on with us again and you're thinking, "What? I missed it?" Yeah, go back to newlife.com, look for the March 9th episode and you'll be able to hear that conversation. It was great.

We're going to go right to the phones right now because we've got so many people waiting to talk to us. John in Atlanta, Georgia, who listens to us on newlife.com, welcome to New Life Live. How can we help you?

John: I have a question. My young son, he's coming into puberty, he's a teenager and all that, very shy, more of an introvert. I have access to his phone, and I came across a text with another young woman that's very sexually orientated. I asked him about it. We have a pretty good open relationship when it comes to talking with each other.

It seems like since he's came into puberty, he doesn't open up as much as he used to. He's kind of quiet, tries to talk like a tough guy. He says he doesn't look at porn, but reading the texts between him and this young lady, I know he has. I've started to have the conversation with him, and I want to keep an open relationship with him and keep it good.

I don't want to shut him away or push him away or scare him to not be able to open up to me. I've started to talk to him about how bad it is and kind of using myself as an example about how devastating it can be towards a relationship, pornography and just the sexual relationship young, how devastating it can be to a person for their whole life. I'm just really frustrated on that part and how to go on further with it without pushing him away.

Ron Deal: One of the things, it sounds like you've done a great job already John. Thanks for engaging your son and not avoiding. Good for you. One of the things you can do is try to define some parameters and let your son know what to expect from you.

"Hey listen buddy, we've talked about this. I just want you to know I'm going to check in with you from time to time. I'm not going to harass you because at the end of the day, this is something you're wrestling with and we're going to do it together and I'm on your side. But every once in a while, I'm going to bring it up, but not all the time."

You don't have to be afraid of every conversation leading down this pathway. John, you are trying to build in some free, fun, just life-as-usual time, but you want to keep that door open on continuing to just revisit and check in with him about where this stands for him. That's important to do.

Brian Perez: And we'll hear what Becky Brown has to say to John when we come back from the break here on New Life Live. My name is Brian Perez. If you've just joined us, we've got a very special guest. It is licensed marriage and family therapist Ron Deal. He is a blended family expert and he is here along with Becky to offer advice for whatever it is that you're struggling with.

So many people going through so many different things. We hear them all the time calling into New Life Live and that's why we're here. We've been doing this for almost 40 years now. We are so grateful that you've entrusted us with your phone calls, with your life as you let us know what's going on. We are here to help. Find out more about us at newlife.com. We'll be right back on New Life Live.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: And back to John in Georgia. John, what do you think of what Ron Deal just said?

John: I agree with it. I took his phone away from him because I'm kind of frustrated. I want to keep it away, but he kind of needs it for school and us being able to get a hold of him. I kind of want to punish him, but I'm afraid that I'm going to end up pushing him away because I know he's just a natural curious teenager. It hasn't gone physical because I keep him pretty active and he doesn't have a lot of alone time where he's not with me or with the family.

Ron Deal: I don't think you need to punish him because not having his phone is punishment enough. What you're saying is, "I'm with you. We're trying to work on this together and we're going to walk this out together." Rather than taking a top-down approach, it's a coming-alongside. I think in the long run, that's going to lend you more influence, which is what you want in this situation.

I have one quick follow-up. Just want to plant this thought in your mind. We want to make sure this is a woman he knows, a young lady. Is this a real person or is this a sextortion situation?

John: No, it is. It's on social media.

Ron Deal: Okay. I just want to make sure because so many young people today are getting sextortion things where somebody from the outside is contacting them and the next thing you know, they're asking for money and they're in a really tough situation. So just wanted to confirm that.

Brian Perez: That is a very good point Ron because even if it is somebody he knows, she could still be setting him up to send her a picture or something and then she publishes that somewhere or shows it to everybody. That's another dangerous situation.

John: That's one thing I'm afraid of too.

Becky Brown: And I love John that you are having conversations. One of the things that Dr. Alice Benton, who's a co-host on the program, she wrote a book, Understanding and Loving Your Child in a Screen-Saturated World. One of the things that Alice talks about is that this is their world as far as technology.

Taking his phone away, like you already discovered, it really kind of punishes you guys too because then you don't know where he's at and you can't communicate. But I think that you can come alongside of each other and discover how do we make this work? How old is he John? You didn't say his age.

John: He's 13.

Becky Brown: Now you're setting a pathway for the next few years and you're preparing him to launch from your home. The other thing I want to address is the isolation or the introversion that you described. Right now, it's so important for him to have people around him.

I don't know if you're involved with your church or youth group or when he gets a little bit older, he can get involved with Young Life, but it's so important to have people who love Jesus also be around him. Not only peers but also other people. Is that part of his day-to-day or at least once a week?

John: It used to be, but then it seems like when he came into puberty, I don't know if he had some bad occasions with other kids at church and the youth group. He got baptized and then right after that, he's now an atheist and wants nothing to do with church.

He acts like he's Mr. Bigwig and the more I don't want to push it and push him away. I'm trying to do it more by leading by my own example, but it's confusing and frustrating because I'm in my late 50s and my parents never explained none of this to me. No one ever talked about it, so I'm just deathly afraid of pushing him away.

Becky Brown: I've got one more question, but I know Ron's got something to add. Is he your oldest, youngest, where does he fall?

John: Actually he's the youngest. We've got many kids that are a lot older.

Becky Brown: But he's in a new age and that's the thing. Even the fact that he describes himself as an atheist, he probably doesn't even know what that means, but this is an identity that he's taking on, which happens a lot of times in 13-year-olds.

I want to equip you to be able to step into that not from an adversarial standpoint but literally helping him not retreat to something that feels like it is big to him, but it actually is keeping him from the best life that he could possibly have. But Ron, I want you to add to that.

Ron Deal: I love everything Becky's saying John. A couple of additional thoughts. One is, it may sound weird, but sometimes children pulling back from their faith is sort of a result of their sexualized world or being exposed to pornography or engaging in activity that they don't feel good about. The shame comes and they sort of retreat from faith almost as a way of reducing that pain, shame, guilt factor.

I think sometimes parents assume he became an atheist and now he's moving towards. Sometimes it's the other way around, so these two things may be intimately tied together is what I'm saying. Don't panic too much on either one of them. We want to explore it. We want to try to come alongside it.

Every person on the planet has a reactive coping style. I do, you do, and it's very predictable what we do. When we go into fight or flight when life is not safe or we don't feel loved, we go into fight or flight and that takes on four forms: blame, shame, control, or escape, or all four or some combination of those four things. Escape into pornography is one of the most prolific for people this day and age because it's so readily available to them.

To begin to explore with him in your conversation and dialogue things like questions like, "Have you ever noticed what's happening or what are you feeling immediately before you find yourself popping on your phone and texting a girl or looking at pictures?" What you're doing is you're trying to begin to help him explore the connection between difficulty and struggle and pain.

Feeling depressed and sad about life and don't know who he is or mom and dad are fighting again or whatever that is. Whatever the pain is, and that leads to an escape mechanism where he pursues sexualized things and images. That connection is extremely important because at the end of the day, if he's ever going to slow down that oversexualized activity, he's got to understand what's driving it.

I'm here to tell you the 59-year-old, I didn't know most of this in my life and how that mechanism worked in me until 15, 20 years ago. Then I just began this journey of understanding that. Most adults have no clue about this and kids really don't have a clue about this. For you to just sort of have that dialogue with him to help bring that to the surface is a long-term maturing dynamic that can help him not just resist sexual images but understand the mechanism in him that leads him to even go toward it in the first place.

That's a much longer engaged dialogue. You can learn a whole lot about that from our most recent book called The Mindful Marriage, which is for all relationships, and parenting applications and leadership and all sorts of things. But this understanding this mechanism of coping and where it comes from, that is very much what the book is about and so that might be a resource that would help you know how to then in turn help him.

Brian Perez: So is that book available at familylifeblended.com?

Ron Deal: Yes, wherever books are sold, The Mindful Marriage. Amazon, Barnes & Noble, familylifeblended.com.

Brian Perez: Very good John. Thanks so much for calling in today to New Life Live. We've also got a couple of resources on newlife.com that I want to tell you about and also everyone watching and listening. In fact, we'll add it to our show notes online.

One is an article at newlife.com called How to Help Your Teen Resist the Lure of Porn. Then we've also got a book titled Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle, that is available for purchase in the newlife.com store and the article is free there at newlife.com.

But John, thanks so much for calling in today to New Life Live. We're here with Ron Deal and Becky Brown and now we're going to talk to Shirley in Hayworth, Illinois, who watches us on YouTube. So we'll wave hi to Shirley. Thanks so much for calling in today Shirley. How can we help you?

Shirley: Hi, I appreciate you taking my call. I appreciate hearing Becky. I've heard her for a long time. I have heard about Ron Deal being for blended families and that piqued my interest. I'll ask my question first. I am a blended family, we are, and we've been married for over 41 years. My stepdaughter, for some reason, has a hard time getting along with me. I'm not perfect by no means, I love her, and this I'll tell you about the last thing that happened.

It was a year ago January, it was right after the holidays, and she had stayed later than the other kids. I don't know how she got upset, but she got upset about something. She let me know in no long phrase, she let me know that she comes down to see her dad and not to see me. I said, "That's okay. We're married and I will continue to live here, but that's okay."

Long story short, before she left, she got in my face, I mean inches away from my face, and she was just shouting ugly, very, very, very ugly. I let her dad know that I didn't appreciate it. He didn't say nothing. He's always stood up for her up to last October. He's always taken her side. Then in October, I just decided I was just going to bring it up to her because she's 49 and she's in a relationship.

She's not married. I just said, "I'm not doing this to be smart. I would like to clear the air. If you get married, you'll have stepdaughters, and I think it's important that people know how to communicate." Long story short, she just blew her fuse all over again. She said it never happened and all this stuff. Then for the first time in over 40 years, my husband stood by me. He told her, he called her by name and he said, "It's never okay to talk to Shirley like that."

Ron Deal: Well, first of all, for most families, it smooths out before 40 years, so there's something here that is persisting. There's something that is entrenched. It has something to do with that dynamic you just described, your husband taking her side as opposed to taking your side. Actually I'm thrilled that your husband stood up for you last October. That's a start and it's a move in the right direction.

It may have made your stepdaughter feel betrayed by her father, so that might actually lead her to have a little bit more resentment or animosity towards you, which may be why you saw that recently. There's something in her that's sort of stuck, viewing you as the woman who took her dad away or I don't know what that is, but for some reason, she feels threatened by your presence.

Again, when we don't feel emotionally safe, we tend to react and blame, shame, control, and escape. She is withholding herself from you, withholding from accepting of your presence in their family, in dad's life. For her to open herself to you feels threatening for some reason. Good for you, I like the way you responded.

"You don't have to love me, it's okay, you're here to see your dad, you can have that relationship." For you to give permission to that, I know that's a sad place in your heart after all this time, but that's where she's at. One of the principles we teach stepparents is you have to pace with the child, and in this case, even though she's 49, you're pacing with her trying to give her that space.

Because the alternative would be for you to just go, "Oh come on, I'm your new best friend, you just don't know it." That's not going to work. You do have to meet her where she is and try to engage to the degree she will allow you and do the best you can with that. In the meantime, keep your relationship alive with your husband going great and all the other children and the grandchildren. Just let those relationships thrive as much as they can and you're just going to be working on this one to whatever degree she will allow you to enter her life.

Becky Brown: Well, and I wonder Shirley if that is helpful or if because I'm wondering are you okay with her just not being in your life? Is there a history there? All of those questions. It's interesting what you said Ron about 41 years in and now we're going to have these big blow-ups.

There was something that wasn't being talked about for some reason, and we may never get to the bottom of it. But I am celebrating the fact that your husband stood up for you. Family is hard, blended or otherwise. At 49 years old, I would hope that she would be able to speak what she needs to speak not in a harsh way but in a way that has understanding and connection that follows it. But I'm glad that you called today Shirley.

Brian Perez: We will be back here on New Life Live. Thanks for watching and thanks for listening to us today.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: So what plans do you have for tonight? If your answer is anything other than, "Well, I'm going to be watching the Understanding Your Attachment Style webinar with Becky Brown and Marc Cameron," cancel those plans because tonight is that webinar. Now we get it, you may not be able to cancel your plans at the last minute, but sign up for the webinar anyway and then we'll send you a link afterwards that you can watch for the next seven days or so.

Marc Cameron wrote a book titled Understanding Your Attachment Style. You see Marc here on New Life Live every few weeks and he's a great guy and he's doing this webinar tonight and you can register for it at newlife.com. You can text the word webinar to 28950 and we'll send you the registration link automatically as well as a tip sheet on understanding attachment styles. Looking forward to this tonight Becky.

Becky Brown: Well, you know I was just thinking if you are curious about what we're talking about, it's really how you are in relationships. Understanding the way that you learned to love or to connect with other people may not be working for you too well. We can talk through where did those ideas come from, those behaviors, those habits. Marc does a great job. His book is excellent in this topic as well and I want to invite you all to come and join us tonight.

Brian Perez: Yep, not too late to register. It's at 7:00 PM Central time, so go right now to newlife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text the word webinar to 28950. We'll send you the registration link and the tip sheet, which is called How to Identify Your Attachment Style.

You might be watching or listening right now: "What's an attachment style? How do I know what mine is? Do I have more than one? What is this all about?" Well find out. Text the word webinar to 28950. Back to the phones here and our next caller is Lisa in Orlando, who listens to us on newlife.com. Hi there Lisa, welcome.

Lisa: Hi, thank you for taking my call. I'll try to make it real brief. I've listened to you guys for probably almost 30 years. Thank you all. I'm trying to find a way to honor my mom. The Bible tells us we're to honor our mother and father. My father is deceased, but we had a terrible childhood. I've tried to keep a relationship, but as I've gotten older and you get a little bit smarter, you realize that both the parents had a play in that.

Fast forward, my issue with her is I try to let the past be the past, but there's a certain dynamic with her that I've asked her not to discuss certain things with me that they mentally mess with me, for lack of a better word. She'll acknowledge it, it'll be fine, and then it'll come up again. It happened again last week and I shut down. I just don't talk because it's hard for me.

When we go through this, it takes me not just that one conversation, it takes me way back to other incidents that happened. I told her, "Sometimes it takes me a week or two to shake these things." I still have the dreams every now and then and things like that. She'll say, "I know, I shouldn't have said anything," and then we go along fine again, and then we come back here again.

In a lot of ways, I really feel like I just need to cut it completely. I live 45 minutes from her. She and I are it out of our family of five, and for my own well-being, I just don't want to do the wrong thing, but I can't keep mentally doing this with her. I just can't do it.

Becky Brown: Well, Lisa, you just said something really powerful. Out of our whole family, it's just her and I now. That brings its own pressure in and of itself. I think there are ways around this, but it's not going to be between you and your mom figuring this out, which seems weird. How old is your mom now Lisa?

Lisa: She's almost 84. I'm 58.

Becky Brown: My suggestion would be to have you done your own work as far as counseling to work through the past and those difficult memories? I would say if they're coming up again, there's going to have to be some boundaries with mom, but it may not be that you communicate, it may be that you distract.

I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I don't know that you're going to be able to tell her what to do when you've already told her again and again. Am I right? Have you communicated that with her?

Lisa: Numerous times. We've had instances in the past where we don't speak for two and three years and I am the one who stops the silence. My dad always said she was a very stubborn person. She is. I'm not trying to point fingers. I don't want to live in the past but she keeps me there. It's to the point that I dread to go visit her.

Becky Brown: Well, but I think that's what I'm talking about Lisa, where you can make some boundaries that are good for you that you're not expecting her to be somebody different. What happens a lot of times is you keep doing the same thing, you're the one that suffers, she's not even feeling half of what you are going through.

We want to have the boundary for your protection, but also to navigate through just a really difficult relationship. I know we'll hear from Ron after this break, but you're a good daughter to try and maintain this relationship, but we want it to be good for you in lots of different ways. Family, it's a challenge.

Brian Perez: It is and that's why we've got great ministries like New Life to help. We will come back in just a little bit to hear what Ron Deal has to say to our caller when we return on New Life Live.

Becky Brown: I am so excited to launch our 99 for the 1 partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways.

It reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where the shepherd leaves the 99 to go rescue the one. We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the 1 is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or newlife.com/99for1.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: We're talking to Lisa in Orlando, Florida. She's on with us right now on New Life Live with Becky Brown and Ron Deal. Ron, what would you add to what Becky just said?

Ron Deal: Lisa, one of the things I think I heard in your story is you feel caught between what is honoring towards your mother and what is miserable and painful in terms of interaction with her. I just want to distinguish those just for a moment. I think you can create boundaries as Becky was talking about and you can manage those and be in charge of those and do so in a way that is still honoring, that still cares for her, but does not necessarily put you in harm's way.

That's a delicate balance and you're going to have to ebb and flow and you're already doing that to some degree. You've kind of have limited time with her and you go and you're with her, but then when the subjects come up, then it's sort of that, "Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I stay? Do I continue to dialogue even though she's just pushed into this topic that's not comfortable for me?"

Our good friend John Townsend, who is on this program a lot, will say boundaries are you declaring what you're going to do. It's not to set a course of action for somebody else. The boundary needs to be, "Mom, when you bring up these topics, here's what you can expect from me. I'll say I love you and I'm going to leave, and I'll see you next week."

Whatever that little course of action is on your part, it's a self-protection but you make it clear to her what you're going to do. You're asking her then to not bring up those topics and maybe she'll abide by that, but if she doesn't, then you just go ahead and move forward. You do what you need to do at that point to do some self-care. That's empowering you to continue to honor her over time.

Brian Perez: Lisa, God bless you. Thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. If everyone watching and listening can keep Lisa and her mom in your prayers. We'll now go to Liz in Denver, Colorado, who watches us on NRB TV, which is Direct TV Channel 378. Hi there Liz, welcome to New Life Live.

Liz: Hi, thanks for taking the call. I have had a lot of trauma growing up, and I've gone to counseling and they said you obviously have some anxiety and depression. Then recently I was just told that they think I have PTSD, and it never dawned on me that I could have a diagnosis like that and everything.

I thought if you had PTSD, you're an angry person, and I thought, "Well no, I'm kind of easygoing. I'm not an angry person or anything." But I have found out that I just might be angry and not showing it. Pretty much I'm sabotaging anything that I set my boundaries on.

I'm sabotaging myself and I'm isolating, and I mean isolating a lot and re-hashing, ruminating over what happened since everything was brought out in counseling in my childhood. I thought, "Well that's the past, let it go," but I still have some unanswered questions and I wonder if it has anything to do with how I am now. My heart and core wants to help people, but how can I be productive and help people if I'm the one that needs help?

Becky Brown: That's the question that all counselors ask themselves all the time Liz: "How can I help somebody when I don't have it all right?" Liz, one of the things I love that you just discovered that PTSD is indeed part of a lot of people's lives, even if it isn't showing up.

I once had somebody say, "Well I don't have any grief because I'm not in the corner crying." We have these images of what these diagnoses like PTSD can be experienced regardless of what you may think it means.

But I think what you've identified is because of the feelings that you're having, the anxiety, the increase in anxiety, it's causing you to withdraw and actually those connections are really going to be powerful in your healing process. Is that happening for you Liz in your counseling experience?

Liz: Well we've gone over everything and I put a lot of stuff out of my mind and it was everything. When you go to counseling, it's not pleasant. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that went on and I guess I am angry with my mother because she had a way of, I could not talk to my father. I was not allowed to talk, have a private conversation with my father. She would always, like, she said we were alike and my father was kind of aloof and she was just a maniac. She just would get...

Becky Brown: So you had the beginning parts of your life were this detachment from your father but also a lot of chaos with mom. That's inside of you and even though you can talk through it, a lot of the things that we talk about in counseling is where we're feeling it in our bodies and how to work through that as well. Because it's not just your thoughts and feelings, it also is where is it manifesting in your body and to work that out as well. But Ron, isn't it true that all of us people-helpers, we're not perfect and we have our own work to do?

Ron Deal: Absolutely. You are spot on with that. Liz, I would just add this. Trying to put something out of your mind does not mean that it is out of your brain. As Becky just said, your body will hold that difficulty, trauma, those painful experiences and your brain will hold those things. Any time that part of you gets triggered, those memories, that pain comes right back.

The part of your brain that stores painful memories does not keep track of time. That part of your brain doesn't have a clock attached to it. When you feel those things, you feel them as if you were six or four or whenever that occurred in your life. It is as real now as it was then.

Another quick comment about anxiety. Yes, anxiety is something we feel, but anxiety is also something we do. It is a form of coping with something painful. We move into rumination and you get stuck there. The more you ruminate, the more anxious you feel. Now you're afraid of your feelings and the anxiety just withdraws. Those are the blame, shame, control, escape mechanisms that we run to, but all of that is a bit of a dead-end street. It doesn't lead to freedom.

What's going to lead you to freedom, as Becky mentioned, is getting your counseling process, perhaps some EMDR. There are strategies and techniques that are useful to help release the part, the memory, the painful memory in the brain, to help you process it as an adult, not as a young person. But now as somebody who has more life experience and wisdom and God's wisdom added to who you are as a person. You can deal with the painful stuff in light of the present and there are strategies that will help you get there, but you need to go into that space with a counselor and not be afraid of processing what has been painful and what you've tried to avoid in the past.

Brian Perez: Liz, thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. We have a tip sheet that we want to send you. It's called Six Tools to Ease Anxiety. There's also an article at newlife.com called Eight Tips to Stop Anxiety Dead in its Tracks. We'll now go to Ruth in Washington DC. Hi Ruth, welcome.

Ruth: Hi, it was my first time listening to New Life Live. Someone has been listening to your station for a long time and told me about it. I'm in a blended family. Why do your brother and sister that didn't know about each other at the beginning still not want to know each other? That's what's going on. It's a lot of us, up to even close to 30 of us.

I just wonder what would make a family do that because I'm sure this is not the only family that found out they had different brothers and sisters at an older age. Some of them I don't think of as half-brothers and sisters actually. The ones that grew up in my household, I never thought of them as half because they were there since they were babies. But the rest of them, I kind of think of them as half, but I don't really use that word.

I did have that at the end. I did have a very strong animosity after my dad's funeral when I saw how badly he was treated, and so I basically showed an extreme amount of animosity, not wanting to deal with them anymore. If I want to be honest, I really don't want them in my life. I don't think that's the right choice, but if you want to be honest, I really don't.

Ron Deal: Ruth, a quick follow-up question just for clarification. My guess is one of your parents had some other children, so there are half-brothers and sisters? Okay. It's only relevant from the standpoint that for somebody in your family, they feel like somebody else got preference and they got less. I'm thinking of Joseph's family.

The story of Joseph is not about him getting rejected by his brothers because dad gave him a coat. It's a story of 17 years prior to that, their mothers having children by their father who didn't want their mom, who didn't love their mothers. Jacob had four wives and he only loved one of them. Leah's his first wife, he gets tricked into that relationship, has a bunch of kids. The one he wants is Rachel.

She's not able to have children. Finally she has Joseph and he's the favored boy, favored child born to the favored wife. All the other brothers grew up in a home where they were not chosen, not loved, and Joseph got everything. On the day he finally gets the coat, they're sick and tired of the favoritism and not being loved, and that's when their anger comes out as rejection towards their brother.

I don't know that that's the story with your family, but I can imagine that somebody feels somewhere they were not chosen, they were not loved. Somebody else got all of dad's time. If dad was here more than he was with them, there's a jealousy against the children from that household. Whatever that dynamic is, it comes down to people just really wanting to be loved and they didn't get something that they wanted and it's coming out as pain and agony and jealousy and resentment towards some half-sibling or step-sibling or whatever the case is.

That's often the backstory behind this. At the end of the day, it's not unlike anybody who wants to be loved and in a safe relationship with the people that are most important and relevant to them. Sometimes that's a spouse, sometimes that's our parents, sometimes it's siblings. That's what we all want. When we don't get that, we often react in ways that are really not helpful. You obviously have not had that same animosity or resentment, and for you, they're brothers and sisters, but to somebody else, it represents something painful.

Becky Brown: But now Ruth, you want them to be in your life? Is that what you're saying now?

Ruth: Not really, I don't. But I don't think that's the right choice.

Becky Brown: Well, the hard part about people is that they're peopley, and so when we come together as family, we have to overcome a lot of things. But Ruth, what I heard you saying in the beginning was from a place of I just welcome them all. But then when you have an experience where somebody shows up in a way that is not good or unsafe or unloving, you're able to draw that boundary.

What causes people to come in and out of family relationships or stay away, that is literally an age-old question, but it is based in different realities. People approach each other in different ways, family or not, and it's like what you were talking about Ron where it's their experiences, their perspective of what they see.

But I think the biggest challenge that we have is how do we want to be in our families? If you can draw that boundary with the expectations of what you wanted for your dad and then to be able to be heard is important, but I would also guard against having resentment build up because that can impact you ultimately, not really the other people as much.

Brian Perez: Thank you so much for calling in today Ruth. We're going to send you a tip sheet called Ten Strategies for a Successful Stepfamily. We'll also put information about that in our show notes. Ron Deal, great to have you on. Can you tell us in a minute what takeaway you want people to get from today's show or blended families in general?

Ron Deal: Yeah, so the first thing is continue to get stepfamily smart. To that end, we have a worldwide livestream coming up for couples that is absolutely free: Saturday, April 18th, Blended and Blessed. This is an annual event for us. We'll be reaching around the world and your church can host it for free and you can put as many people in the room as you can get to come for free. We really want you to be there.

We're going to be in Oklahoma City live, so you can join that live audience if you want to be there as well. Keep learning, keep growing. Blended family small groups in churches is critical and helpful. Three couples getting together and having dinner together, learning together, reading a book together, talking about life, the parent-stepparent relationship, how you're going to navigate between-home stuff for your kids, helping your children deal with the losses that they've wrestled with throughout life.

These are all the ongoing things that most stepfamilies experience. Support each other, help each other. We want to come alongside you and lend support to that in terms of resources. But you can do this. Here's what we know. Healthy blended families are redemptive, not only in the lives of the adults who get another chance at love, but in the lives of children generationally who get to grow up in a stable home environment.

Brian Perez: Ron Deal, great to have with us today here on New Life Live. He was also on the March 9th episode, so go back and listen to that one on newlife.com. God bless you all. Thanks for watching and listening. We'll be back tomorrow on New Life Live.

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