New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's Word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello, my friend. Thank you for joining us this day or evening, depending on when you're with us. My name is Brian Perez and this is New Life Live. I'll be joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard as well as the presenter at our Every Man's Battle intensives, licensed marriage and family therapist JJ West.

If you feel overwhelmed or defeated by what you're facing, pick up the phone and call us. Your breakthrough is just a phone call away. I guess now would be a good time to give you the phone number: 1-800-229-3000. We'll be here for two hours today. JJ, what's on your mind to start the show?

JJ West: Often, my thoughts turn to projects around the house or in the yard. This weekend, I was using my pressure washer and it finally gave out. It had been on its last leg for a while. It finally gave out, so I thought it was time to do the repairs I'd been putting off.

I ordered all the parts. I replaced the gas tank. I cleaned out and replaced the air filter. I disassembled and cleaned out the carburetor. I put it all back together and went to start it, and the cord won't budge at all. More than likely, what's happened is the water pump has burned out on the pressure washer, so I'll have to replace that this weekend.

It got me thinking about how often we waste energy trying to solve the wrong problem. The way that works in our lives, relationally and mentally, is sometimes we're focused on the problem behind us. We're focused on the regret of the past, and we're trying to solve that.

Sometimes we're focused way too far out in front of us on the anxiety of the unknown future, and we're trying to fix that. And then sometimes we're focused on everything around us. We're trying to fix, change, or control the people around us.

All of that is wasted energy. It doesn't do us any good. We work and work, and then we get to the end and we think this is going to fix everything, and sure enough, the cord doesn't budge. My invitation to our listeners today is if you find yourself having spent a lot of energy and the problem still remains, the solution is still evasive.

It didn't seem to accomplish what you were hoping for. Give us a call today. Maybe we can point you in the right direction so you can focus your energy on what's actually going to help, rather than the wasted energy of trying to fix the regrets of the past, trying to solve the anxiety of the future, or trying to fix, change, or control anyone around you, which never works. I can only work on me.

Brian Perez: Amen. Dr. Jill, what would you say?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I love that, JJ. I always love all of your handy examples that you use around the house. I could use you around my house for a few things. That idea of sometimes needing to step back and fully assess where we're at and if we're focused in the right direction is key. We just get it in our heads, move full steam ahead, and don't always fully assess what's really going on.

Brian Perez: For sure. All right. Great encouraging words there from our DIY JJ West. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call if you've got problems with your water pump or your pressure washer. Give us a call, especially with that pressure, because that has a lot to do with what we do here on the show.

You feel pressured, you feel stressed, you feel the fear, the anxiety—call in today. We're going to try to help you out. If you're watching us online right now on Facebook or YouTube or listening on the New Life app, you can call in. We're going to be here for two hours today in the studio.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: You hear us talk about the impact of attachment styles frequently on this show. Now we're offering you a way to identify your attachment style. Join us on March 19th, that's next Thursday at 7:00 PM Central Time, for the Understanding Your Attachment Style webinar led by Mark Cameron.

We're making it super easy for you to get more information. Just text the word "webinar" to 28950 and we'll send you a link that includes information about the webinar and the tip sheet, "How to Identify Your Attachment Style." That tip sheet is free when you text the word "webinar" to 28950. Then join us on March 19th. 1-800-229-3000 is that number that Rita from Orlando called. She's watching us on NRB TV. Welcome, Rita, to New Life Live.

Rita: Hi. Thanks for taking my call. My husband and I have our oldest child, a son, who has identified himself as being bisexual since high school. Last night, for the first time, we were introduced to his boyfriend. We met this young man for the first time last night and I just need some help with how to navigate through this because I am just at a loss. I just need some help and guidance.

Brian Perez: He's identified as bisexual since high school. How old is he now?

Rita: 23.

Brian Perez: And this is the first time he's ever introduced you to a boyfriend?

Rita: Yes.

Brian Perez: Was this a planned meeting or just sprung on you?

Rita: It wasn't planned per se. Earlier in the day, I received a text saying he wants to come over. Is it okay? Just like a heads-up kind of thing.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So he did give you some warning. I'm wondering how have you all talked about this since high school? When did you find out and how have you been dealing with it?

Rita: This was about to graduate high school. He hasn't really wanted to talk about it with us. It's been a non-issue, a non-starter really.

Brian Perez: When you say non-starter, do you mean that we don't want to participate in those conversations or he doesn't want to or both?

Rita: If I'm being honest, I'd probably say a little bit of both. We just haven't addressed the issue until now. Now it's become real. Before it was theoretical; now it's very concrete. There's a real person in his life and we're meeting him, and now we're trying to figure out what do we do as parents? How do we respond to this?

JJ West: The very first thing that you do is love him and communicate that. Verbalize that on a regular basis. "We love you. You're our son. Nothing ever changes that." No matter what, you're our son and we love him. There are going to be things that we disagree on throughout life.

Throughout life, there are going to be things that you choose to do, decisions you make. Sometimes that's going to be in the dating world. Sometimes that might be what profession you choose to pursue. Sometimes it might be where you choose to live. There are going to be all kinds of things that we might have a difference of opinion on in terms of what we think is best for you.

But if you choose a different path than what we think is best for you, it doesn't change our love for you, it doesn't change our commitment to you, it doesn't change our relationship with you. We have to verbalize that again and again because honestly, the first few times, it's probably not going to sink in. There's probably going to be a wall.

I'm assuming that you have communicated to him as you were raising him some sort of Christian values. Is that correct?

Rita: Definitely. He was actually saved in the elementary years, got baptized at our church, and was participating at church up until mid-high school. And then he decided organized religion is not for him and he stopped.

JJ West: The reason I'm asking that is my assumption is that he believes if I present to mom and dad a different way of living than what they want for me, then their religious beliefs are going to tell them this is wrong, this is bad, and they won't want to have a conversation with me about it. They won't want to engage with me about it. They'll reject me.

That very well could be what he believes. And so you're going to be hitting that wall many times when you're reminding him that you love him, that he's your son. It's going to hit that wall several times before it finally breaks through and he actually believes that that's true of your relationship with him. So that's where you start is just over-communicating your love for him, your commitment to him, that he's your son.

Now, you can also talk about how do we choose a partner? How do we choose someone in our life that we want to share our life with? Regardless of gender, you can talk about what drives those decisions for us. And that's a conversation again you guys can invite him into and participate in without having to say, "And by the way, we disagree with your choice here." Does that make sense?

Rita: Yes.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Rita, this is so hard. I think this is definitely one of the harder issues with kids as a Christian parent. It sounds like you are past the shock of this. This isn't new news to you and you have had time to sit with this. So that actually puts you in a better place because when we first hear of things that our kids are doing, it can cause parents to feel very upset and reactionary and sometimes not interact in the best way possible.

If there's any of that that you need to own and apologize for—you don't have to apologize for your beliefs, but sometimes how we approach someone who is struggling—if that's not the best, then you have to own that and apologize for that. But being past the shock and realizing that your son is on a journey, first you have to remind yourself that God wins in the end and the outcome is His. You may have to remind yourself of that every day.

Your son is on a journey and it is a meandering journey. He gave his heart to Christ, but now the world has stepped in and misguided him away from Christ. So you may be the only reflection of Christ. Now, I think what you want to do is foster conversation. Not that you always talk about this—that would not be a good thing. As Jim Burns says, you don't want to be a one-topic parent.

But at times, "Can we talk? I want to understand. I want to understand what this journey has been like for you." Because I'm imagining that his leaving organized religion probably coincided with his internal struggle and with all that people were offering in terms of you can be anything you want in terms of your sexual orientation.

And so that may have felt like an answer to him. But to really understand, how have you processed that? "I imagine, son, coming from a Christian family where this might seem in opposition to where you're at, that that must have been a really hard decision to come to or struggle."

You want to be curious with him and you want to understand. And at those times, you don't want to say a lot, you don't want to convince, you're not trying to win him back, you're just trying to be Jesus to him by giving him understanding at first and getting a sense of his story. I think it is okay—I mean, I'm sure he already knows—that you guys think differently.

And to even say, "Son, this is hard for us." Like JJ was saying, this doesn't change our love for you, but just know that we're on a journey too. We're on a journey with this because it doesn't quite compute for us and so we're trying to make sense of it as well and I hope you'll be patient with us in the process. I hope that we can talk about things when it feels uncomfortable for either one of us as we navigate this. You're going to lean into the Lord and ask for prayer and guidance along the way.

I have a friend whose daughter is gay and they call it this wiggle between them. They have this wiggle and so sometimes they talk about that wiggle that's between them. Otherwise, their Christian beliefs are very similar except this one huge, big area. Navigating that with tenderness and care, compassion, and also truth at times. Does this help you, Rita?

Rita: Yes. We have always demonstrated and communicated love to him even after him telling us. We've never withheld our love. We hug him, we kiss him often. And I have not stopped praying. I tell him this all the time. I tell him, I said, "You know, I'm never not praying for you." And he actually responded really well to just hearing that. Now, just in the past few weeks, at least a couple times, he said to me, "Thank you. Thank you for praying for me."

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Oh, I love that.

Rita: So I know that God is working. I just know, I believe. It's just hard. Last night just really brought it home. I just felt at a loss, like I don't know how to navigate this and just to make sure that he's okay and that he knows that we're always going to be here. We're not going to turn our backs on him.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You're going to show him that steadfast love that endures, that's different than the world. I would be praying for his friend as well, his boyfriend, and praying that they meet Jesus in their journey. And in the process, Rita, be kind to yourself. Have compassion for yourself, for you and your husband, to understand that this is an extremely difficult process to walk through. It's not easy and there's not an easy owner's manual to follow. There's a lot of grief with it. There's so much loss in this.

Brian Perez: Keep Rita in your prayers as she and her husband navigate this and pray that the Holy Spirit will convict her son and her son's friend as well. Rita, God bless you. Thanks for calling into New Life Live. We have a book in the NewLife.com store that might assist you. It's called *Doing Life with Your Adult Children*. It's by our good friend Dr. Jim Burns. Find that on NewLife.com. More calls in just a moment here at New Life Live.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: I started today's show by introducing JJ West as the presenter at our Every Man's Battle weekend intensives and people might be wondering, what battle? The battle with the pressure washer?

JJ West: He leads a whole workshop just on the battle against small garden motors. No, it's the battle for sexual integrity. It's a battle that the vast majority of men face in some form. For some of us, it is a struggle with our thought lives. For some, it's a struggle against pornography. For some, it's a struggle against strip clubs and massage parlors and affair partners and cross-dressing and you name it. There are all kinds of ways that the struggle shows up, but the reasons why we struggle are all the same.

The brokenness that leads to our struggle typically is because we are using our sexuality to try to meet legitimate needs. We've got legitimate needs for love and forgiveness and connection and all these legitimate needs in our life, but we're trying to use our sexuality to get those legitimate needs met in illegitimate ways.

The workshop is designed to help guys break free because most guys have struggled with this for a long time. They've read books and they've prayed and they've gotten accountability with a prayer partner at church, but they continue to struggle and struggle and struggle. So the workshop is designed to help them get the tools that they need and primarily the connections that they need in order to break free.

Brian Perez: If you're tired of losing the battle, you've got to register for Every Man's Battle. It's for men desiring to renew their mind to see sex through God's design, restore their identity as a man of integrity and purpose, rebuild intimacy with God and the people they love. The next one is happening next month in Washington, D.C., the weekend of April 24th.

Register right now and you'll get an early bird discount. You can find out more at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. A new episode of the Every Man's Battle podcast dropped yesterday. You can find the episode at NewLife.com, on our YouTube channel, our app, wherever you get your podcasts. New Life has helped thousands of guys reclaim their sexual integrity in the past 20 years through Every Man's Battle.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I just have to re-emphasize something you said here, JJ. It's about using sexuality to meet legitimate needs in an illegitimate way. The needs are not bad; the method is wrong. Realigning that is what we help men do.

JJ West: So many guys come in thinking my sexual desire is bad and their prayer has been, "God, take this desire away." God doesn't answer that prayer and I say this at the workshop all the time. I think it's very similar to when Henry Ford rolled out his Model T and he let people take a test drive.

They would come back and say, "Wow, that was really cool and powerful, but it feels unsafe. Could you take the engine out?" Henry would have said, "No, we already have wagons. This is a different thing." I think that's kind of what God says when we go to Him and say, "Take my sexual desire away." He says, "No, I'm not taking away your engine. That's there for a reason. I want you to learn to use it properly."

Brian Perez: Register now at NewLife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Back to the phones now. Here is Linda in Philadelphia. What's going on, Linda?

Linda: Today, I just came from a healing for damaged emotions Bible study at church and I still don't know if I really got to the main thing. I'm asking the Lord to bring up whatever the main thing is that might be stalling my situation of going forward with things in life.

What I decided was since today is my daughter's birthday—she's 55 today—the hurt from when she was growing up. She was raped, became pregnant, and had an abortion. We don't really talk or communicate too well together. We're both working at it.

I don't think that I have forgiven myself because I don't know that I've really looked at the guilt for my part. My guilt was in that and I know that I was looking to the Lord because it was the beginning of my Christian walk, but I don't know that I really looked at the guilt for my part or what I'm supposed to do with that. It's hurting our communication in general, not just on this topic.

Brian Perez: How old did you say your daughter was when this happened?

Linda: 15.

Brian Perez: Wow, 40 years ago. How did you as a family or you as an individual respond when it happened?

Linda: I just remember that we were trying to understand how to handle it. It was a shock for everybody, of course.

JJ West: If I'm hearing you correctly, Linda, it felt like because it was such a shock and we really didn't know how to handle it, you feel like you didn't handle it well. You think back and you have some regrets about how you handled it and that's impacting even the way that you communicate with your daughter today.

Linda: I don't know that I handled it well. I just did what the next thing was to do about the whole matter. I didn't stop the abortion. She was not with me at that time; she was with her dad's side of the family. I didn't step up to say anything or do anything. I just tried to look to God's Word and say, "Well then, I'll just look to your Word." I just kept looking and looking to see the Lord work and to have His way to work in it.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Were you able to show her compassion?

Linda: Yes, but I really wasn't ever really close with her to talk to her about how she felt. I never talked to her about how she was feeling about that or about the rape. This didn't all come to an understanding until after the abortion. That's when the communication beginning to happen started.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: It sounds like even before this happened, the fact that your daughter wasn't living with you, there were some family difficulties prior to all that and in your relationship with her.

Linda: I was depressed. I was in a bad state for a long time. So I think my depression probably didn't help me deal with it how I would have been right to deal and best to deal with it.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I'm really glad you're in this group at church. A lot of times later in life, we have the space and the ability to circle back around and reflect on all the things that have happened in one's life. You talked about the guilt. Mom guilt is so powerful inside of us. No mom does it exactly right.

Sometimes, Linda, it's helpful to list out the resentments that you have had from all that has happened through the years and then being able to list your part in that. In that way, there are two people you need to ask forgiveness from: your daughter and yourself.

To be able to say, "Can we talk about this? I realize so much happened in life and I at times didn't know what to do. I realize I wasn't there for you at times emotionally and sometimes physically when I wish I had been. I have deep regret and guilt over that. Because of those bad feelings and not naming it, it's been hard for me to get past and I'm so sorry the impact. How has that impacted you?"

To really be able to not just unburden yourself, almost first, Linda, listen and be in a place where you tell her you really want to hear how she felt and all the hurt that she experienced, if she's willing. Could you guys do that? Maybe you each need to do some writing. Maybe like I said, you need to write out your resentments and then your regrets.

JJ West: Linda, in this Bible study, "The Healing for Damaged Emotions," are you guys actually going through the book by David Seamands?

Linda: Yes, that's the book.

JJ West: Good. In the book, he illustrates the parable of the unmerciful servant and how the unmerciful servant, if he thought he got what he was asking for—he was asking for more time, even though that was a ridiculous request because what he owed, if he had 100 lifetimes, he couldn't pay it back.

But if he thought he got what he asked for from the master, then his subsequent steps of demanding payment from other servants start to make sense a little bit because he thinks that he has a limited amount of time to try and collect as much as he can to pay back this debt.

When we fail to understand the grace that's being given to us, it's very hard for us then to dispense that same grace out to others. If in these conversations with your daughter, you're able to apologize and ask for forgiveness, if she extends that grace to you, it's important that you understand she's not just giving you extra time to make up for it; she's canceling the debt.

That allows you to move into freedom in the relationship with her and with others. But it's when I think I'm still needing to collect debt because I haven't really been forgiven, my debt hasn't been canceled, I don't move in grace toward others. It prevents me from moving in grace toward others. I would just encourage you to be able to go back and say, "I'm so sorry for the ways that I wasn't able to care for you, be there for you, extend compassion." When forgiveness is offered, you then have to apply that forgiveness.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: First there's forgiveness, but the reconciliation part is the owning of your part, not making excuses for it. Realizing that you were depressed is not an excuse. She still had hurt. Your owning that allows for reconciliation, especially if she receives that from you. She might not at first and she may need to sit with it. This might not be a one-and-done; this might be just starting the conversation.

Brian Perez: Linda, thanks for calling us today. When you support New Life, you're helping people get the help they need. Yesterday we had a call from a woman who discovered that her husband was making phone calls and sending texts to an old high school girlfriend after 45 years or so. Today we had the call from Rita and now Linda with all the regret that she's feeling over the lack of communication with her daughter.

The world is crazy. People are struggling in their marriages, other relationships, with their mental health, with addiction, spiritual battles, grief, and so much more. But because of your support, lives are being changed every day through New Life. Your support brings real hope through daily radio broadcasts, transformative workshops, connection to counseling and support for those ready to break free from pain and shame, and biblically-based resources that offer clarity, encouragement, and direction.

Every gift helps. You can give online at NewLife.com, by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE, or by texting NLM to 28950. To make a difference on a recurring monthly basis, you can become a 99 for the 1 partner. Learn more at NewLife.com/99for1. We've got more phone calls coming up this hour. Susan in Miami, you're coming up next. 1-800-229-3000.

Susan: How can I support my 26-year-old son in his struggle with porn? He's recently moved back home from college. He's been to two Every Man's Battle workshops, online and in person, but recently I saw a video on his phone of a half-naked woman and it was triggering for me.

JJ West: I'm so glad that your desire is to support him. Do you know, was he a part of Sustained Victory?

Susan: He started. I don't think that he's continued. It might have been finances.

JJ West: Have him call New Life and see if he can get a scholarship to help defray the cost of Sustained Victory. Unless he's going to an in-person group that he's a part of there in Miami, it's going to be important that he has a support group. That's the key to victory here. Whenever we're trying to do this alone, we get knocked out. That's just the facts. But if I will surround myself with some other brothers who are walking with me, I have a chance of success.

One of the best ways that you can support him is by being curious and asking questions. Ask him how it's going, what are the things that you're finding most difficult, what are the things that are helping, what do you need from me, and how can I be helpful? Don't lead with consequences. I'd lead with good questions and asking what does he need from you to help him walk through this to help him succeed?

He probably most of the time is going to be something like, "Pray for me" or "just knowing that you're there is helpful." That's great, absolutely keep doing that. But push him a little bit to say, "What are some practical things that you need from me to help you walk through this?" And I would encourage him to go back if he's not already listening to the Every Man's Battle podcast. Especially last week and this week's episodes talk about what does it mean to do a check-in call and how to respond when a brother's in crisis.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Sometimes when people have embarked on recovery and they fall back, there's a revisiting into the shame. "Now I don't want to admit to my group that I haven't been successful." That's where we have men that go back to Every Man's Battle multiple times so they can face that. You want to support him in the positive things he's doing. Maybe he also needs to be in therapy. What are the underlying issues for him of low self-esteem, not being good enough, that he's going to the addiction for?

JJ West: Susan, we've only got a couple minutes left, but just to touch on those check-in calls—what does a check-in call look like? It shouldn't be judgment. It shouldn't be distraction. Often check-in calls go off the rails because we start talking about the game last night or how frustrated I am with my boss. It should be a very succinct, five-minute call where I'm checking in.

Have I crossed any primary or secondary boundaries? Have I added any new secondary boundaries? Have there been any significant triggers that I've had and how did I respond to them? Is there anything on the horizon that I think is going to be challenging to my sobriety? I can get that done in just a couple of minutes. Somebody else on the planet knows what's happening and how they can help me stay on the path of recovery.

Brian Perez: Susan, thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. We have so many resources available at NewLife.com about the struggle that men face with pornography and sexual integrity. You can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. The next Every Man's Battle is in April, April 24th weekend in Washington, D.C. More details at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Go to NewLife.com or on the New Life YouTube channel. God bless you guys.

Voiceover: Thank you so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing and we're so glad that you're here.