New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Hello and welcome to New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez. We are here today to talk to you and offer you advice that you might need on whatever it is that you're going through, whatever you're struggling with: frustration, or deception, or who knows. Call us at 1-800-229-3000.

We've got clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard in the studio here. How are you, Jill?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Hello, Brian. I am good. It has been a year full of weddings and, unfortunately, funerals. I'm going to focus on the weddings. I was at a wedding this weekend. I'm a little exhausted, but it was wonderful. It's interesting because it's two kids that wandered away from their faith and their families to a certain degree.

It was a Jewish-Christian combination, and there was no mention of God in the ceremony or their vows. While this was disheartening, it was interesting. I observed things because I know behind the scenes. This is one of my best friend's daughters who got married. They incorporated ceremonial symbols in the wedding that are faith-based in origin, which is interesting.

If you think about it, even marriage itself is a ceremony that is about a union before God, family, and friends. People can get married without having this marriage ceremony and all the festivities. I think about that, and I think about a mom and a grandma on one side and both parents on the other side. They were able to subtly incorporate each of their faiths in the ceremony and grant their kids a blessing.

Over the years, I've cried with this mom and prayed with this mom. I've seen much healing take place in the relationships, a mending of distance and opposition. I have to believe God can do much more because here were these two pledging to each other. For all intents and purposes, they were already married. These kids had been living together.

It's one of those where we're happy, but as Christians, it's interesting they wanted the wedding. Who wouldn't want a party in your honor and to be a princess for a day? Yes, that's wonderful. But it's also about a demarcation, a line in the sand that says something different. It is a desire that so many people have in the end to make things right.

I just wanted to give encouragement to people, to all the steadfast mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends who have been praying for their loved ones. We're going to keep praying for these kids because God isn't done with them yet. God can do great things. I often think of Mary at the cross of Jesus, but I wonder, was the mother of the thief on the cross there? Did she get to witness her son turning towards Jesus? I'd like to believe so.

Brian Perez: Wow, I never thought of that. JJ, what would you say?

JJ West: As a parent who longs to see that in my own children, my heart is wrenched by the story. I love that perspective of not knowing how God's working, so we keep praying. We remain faithful.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: We know He works behind the scenes always, even when we don't see it. We have to hold on to that.

Brian Perez: Congratulations to the newlywed couple. We invite you to our Intimacy in Marriage intensive coming up in just a few weeks. We'll talk to you about it a little bit later today here on New Life Live. We're going to go to the phones when we come back. Download the New Life app to take us with you wherever you go.

If you're going out of town this summer, you can still take us with you. We promise not to be saying from the back seat, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" We'll just offer you great advice. Download the app, pack it like you do your clothes and everything else on your phone. You can keep up with us and catch up on past episodes.

Let's go to the phones now at 1-800-229-3000. We're going to start with Riley, who is in Taos, New Mexico, watching us on YouTube. Thanks for calling in today to New Life Live.

Riley: Hi. Good morning. How are you? Who am I speaking with now?

Brian Perez: I'm Brian, and we have Dr. Jill Hubbard here and JJ West.

Riley: Hi, Jill. Hi, JJ. Thank you very much for taking my call. Due to past sexual assault, I have difficulty making appointments for dental and medical procedures. What can I do?

JJ West: That's not actually uncommon. Riley, I'm assuming it's hard because you either don't want to have anesthesia or just simply don't want to be in a position where someone else is in control of you. Is that accurate, or would you add something different to that?

Riley: That kind of hits me in my gut. It is the truth. I don't want somebody to have control over what they're doing with me. It's very painful. Beyond that, I have these sensations of being assaulted almost every other day, sometimes five times a week. I can't predict when they're going to happen.

The sensations come over me where I feel terrified and trapped. It just cripples me. I go into a crying spell. Sometimes I don't remember that I had an appointment. I had one psychiatrist tell me that he couldn't see me anymore because I wasn't making the appointments, but I get hijacked to this other time that I don't want to go to. I have no control over that. It just throws me off.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Of course, Riley. What have you done to get help for the abuse?

Riley: I have gone through many years of counseling. I haven't had a Christian counselor, initially. I didn't remember the assault for 20 years. I had children and got married. It wasn't until I divorced and was by myself that my children went to stay with family members who could watch them because I was having panic attacks every day and I didn't know why. I went to a psychologist and he diagnosed what was wrong with me after asking me a lot of questions about other people being in control. I learned what was wrong with me and I started going to a counselor when I moved to New Mexico. I'm starting to look for a psychologist here now.

JJ West: We can help you with that.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: It sounds like you need to be in some ongoing therapy with someone who feels safe for you, who has experience in these issues, and perhaps someone that you could do some EMDR work with to take the emotion out. You're reliving things over and over again in the present that are from the past. Someone that could do EMDR with you takes the emotional punch out of the experiences so that you can function. You do need to function in the here and now.

My guess is all of that stuff was pushed away and you were able to function to a point. Now your life, perhaps, is calmer and you are safer, but now there's room for all of that to come up and it can wreak havoc. I've had people who have to have surgery and they actually have to be strapped down because coming out of anesthesia, they'll start fighting and flailing. People who go to the dentist will take some medication just to be calm enough. It's always important to let doctors know that you have these issues and that it is frightening for you. That way they can take the extra step to maybe have a female with you that's calming and can remind you that you're okay.

Brian Perez: JJ, Jill mentioned EMDR. Can you explain what that is?

Riley: I have had one or two sessions with EMDR. I didn't really want to do that. I didn't feel comfortable with the person doing that.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You have to find the right person, Riley. I've had people go to three or four different ones until they find the right person. You have to go at your own pace. It's really important that you feel in charge.

Riley: That's kind of what I didn't feel with this other counselor. She was getting kind of rushing and doing things like, "You need to get fixed, like something's wrong with you, so I have to fix you." It just really put a bad taste in my mouth.

JJ West: Riley, what Jill is saying is so important. There are lots of different therapists out there who practice EMDR. For other listeners, EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It is a specific treatment for trauma, to overcome trauma. Riley is describing reliving the trauma from her past over and over again.

What's happening is her body's emergency response system is overacting. She's in this heightened state of awareness all the time. Something happens and then her system gets triggered. It's very hard then to recognize that she is actually safe in her current environment. It's important to investigate some other therapists who also practice EMDR to find someone that's a good fit for you where they recognize your need to be empowered and to be in control of the process.

You can also look at what's called ART, which is Accelerated Resolution Therapy. It's another way of approaching this same issue of PTSD. It's actually a shorter version; they do it as a faster process than EMDR. I would encourage you to continue to seek the answer and find the right fit for you. Until you get your system to calm down to recognize you're not in danger, you're going to continue to have this challenge of getting your life hijacked by your emergency system.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You were brave enough to put it out there. You told the medical professionals and they responded. Those are the people that you want to go to, the ones that are responsive and sensitive. That's a litmus test for how they respond to your request.

Brian Perez: Riley, are you involved with a church? Do you have a church community there where you live?

Riley: I do, but I have to interject one more thing before I answer that. When the doctor and I connected, he said, "I understand you have post-traumatic stress disorder. I want you to know that I have post-traumatic stress disorder." He extended his hand and he said, "Do you mind if I hold your hand?" I said, "No," and he touched my hand and I started to cry because I was so comforted and I felt so relieved. I just cried tears of gratitude.

Brian Perez: Riley, thank you so much for calling in today. If you'll stay on hold, we will connect you with somebody there in your area who can help you with what it is that you're going through. We also want to tell you about our Rescue: Your First Step Toward Healing. It's a four-hour virtual gathering happening on Saturday, August 1st. You can get all the details on our website, NewLife.com, or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. If everybody watching and listening can just keep sister Riley in your prayers. She has gone through so much and you can feel the pain in her voice as she tells us her story. We just ask that you'll pray for her. Write her name down so that you don't forget it.

Brian Perez: Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West are with us today here on New Life Live. We're going to be in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next, so call in. JJ is going to be traveling soon to Washington, D.C. twice in July. JJ, what are you going to be doing there?

JJ West: I'll be there the second weekend of July for the Every Man's Battle intensive. Then I'll be back two weeks later for the Intimacy in Marriage intensive. I love going to the intensives. It's one of my favorite parts of my job because I get to sit on the front row and watch God work miracles in people's lives. It's such an incredible opportunity.

It reminds me of Riley and her experience of having post-traumatic stress disorder and how difficult it is for her to make medical appointments because sometimes her system gets hijacked. She told a story of one doctor that she had shared her experience with and the doctor told her that he also had PTSD and how comforting that was for her. It allowed her to feel it was a safe place.

That is what happens at the Every Man's Battle intensive and at the marriage workshop. It's a place where everybody who's there understands what I'm going through. We talk about creating a no-shame zone. No matter what your specific experience of sexual acting out looks like, whether it's porn or affairs or strip clubs, it all originates from the same space and we're all on level ground.

All of the facilitators and all of the speakers from up front, we all have our own story of sexual brokenness or sexual addiction. We share that with the participants so everybody who's there understands what you're going through. The craziness of your life, the shame that you've been carrying around that's been driving your behavior, none of it is going to shock anyone there. That's the comforting thing. The same thing happens in the marriage intensive as well. We're not the only couple that feels stuck the way we do. There's lots of other couples who have the same kind of story, even though our fights might be about different things. They all seem to circle the same pattern.

Brian Perez: That's so true because with the majority of the people watching and listening to New Life Live are believers of Jesus. They feel their marriage shouldn't be having problems. Guys feel, "I shouldn't be struggling with my sexual integrity." There's that feeling of, "What do you mean there's other people that are struggling too?" Then they show up and they see they're not alone.

JJ West: That's why we do group work. There's a concept in group therapy called universality. It's this idea that I'm not alone here. I'm not the only broken one. I'm not the only one who's a screw-up. I'm not the only Christian who struggles in this way. Everybody else has their life together on social media posts. Everybody's on vacation and their jobs are going great and their kids are making straight A's. But in reality, we're all broken. We're broken in different ways, but we're all desperately in need of God's healing. God provides that healing through the lives of other broken people.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: There's something about the group process too that really helps to melt away the shame. Not only are you hearing the good messages, JJ, that you are teaching and preaching, but then to see it in practice in the groups and feel the acceptance as people share what their struggles are. It takes a lot of courage, but once you do that, that's how you melt it away. The reason we call them workshops is because the work is done in the breakout groups.

The work is not done just sitting in the lecture hall listening to JJ or Becky or Laura speak. It is in processing the material with other people and hearing them share similar stories and going, "Oh, yeah, that's me. I get it now. That makes sense because of how I've lived this out in my own journey and that there could actually be freedom." I don't have to stay stuck where I'm at. That's what we really offer at the workshops.

Brian Perez: Freedom. That's all we're talking about lately because the Fourth of July is upon us. This could be your freedom. Make July the month of freedom in your life, not just celebrating freedom here in America, but in your personal life, in your family life, with your spouse. Get all the details about all of our intensives: Every Man's Battle, Intimacy in Marriage, and also Restore: Healing After Betrayal. That's for women who have been betrayed. You can find out all about these at NewLife.com or by calling us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Mary in Washington, D.C., we'll talk to you when we come back from the break.

Brian Perez: Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West are with us today here on New Life Live. We're going to be in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next. Thank you for your financial support of this ministry because it helps us to help other people who call in and write in. Find out how you can make a difference financially by going to our website, NewLife.com, or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE. You can also find out how to become a monthly partner with us as part of the 99 for the 1 partner group that we have now. Mary in Washington, D.C., JJ's going to be visiting your town pretty soon. Thanks for calling in today, listening on WAVA. How can we help you today?

Mary: I went away to college and after college, I came back home. Once I came back home, I got married and moved right into my husband's house. I've never lived on my own. About three weeks ago, my husband decided that he wanted to go with his brother and his nephew on a train trip for four days. I really struggled with being alone at night.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Was that the first time?

Mary: No, but it's the first time that he's been away for four nights. The other times it's been two nights, and that was tough, but four was really tough. I got to thinking, what am I going to do, not that I'm being morbid or anything, but what am I going to do if he were to die? He's five years older; he'll be 64. He doesn't have any major health issues, but statistics are that men tend to die earlier than women. His father's family tends to die out pretty early. I just wanted some proactive steps that I could work on so that if that day does come, I won't be hit quite so hard.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I'm glad that you're being honest about that because late at night, the house is suddenly quiet and being all alone is a vulnerable time. That is usually when our anxieties come up and the fears. I think about when we're young, we all think, "What am I going to do if my parents die because I'm so dependent on them?"

Then you do become dependent on a spouse, and what if something happens to them? I think it's good that you're thinking of this versus catastrophizing, like, "Oh no, I'm helpless and defenseless," because you're not. You're an adult and you can make some choices. I think it's important that you and your husband talk about what things you guys have in place for if and when that day will come eventually.

Do you have friends? Do you have community? My parents are in their 80s and my dad still goes on his fishing trips. My mom always plans when he's gone. She makes dinner dates with her granddaughters or she goes shopping with a friend. She does something to fill the time and the space. Having people close by that you could call, having friendships where you guys look out for each other is really important to have. Do you have something like that?

Mary: I have a very active church that has been very supportive. I've got a very good neighbor right next door. In fact, I was with her somewhat when my husband was gone, but I tried not to intrude too much because she had company. During the day I'm fine. Even up until 8:00 or 9:00. It's when I go to bed and sleeping through the night. That is when it's most pronounced that I'm alone.

JJ West: One of the things, Mary, I want you to consider is part of the challenge is that you're looking at it as a whole thing as opposed to each individual night. For instance, when it went from, "Okay, I've managed to get through one or two nights when he's been gone, but four nights, that's going to be hard," what do I do one night at a time when he's gone? If he's traveling, if he's visiting friends, what do I do one night at a time as opposed to how am I going to handle four nights or a month or the rest of my life? Now it's more of a bite-sized thing rather than trying to eat the entire elephant in one bite.

Brian Perez: What is it about nighttime that makes us so susceptible to fear?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: We feel vulnerable.

Mary: It was interesting because my neighbor said to me, "You don't feel safe." I said, "It was really tough for me to stay away and let you have your space with your friend, but I did it because I knew that was important. If she hadn't been there, I'd been over to her house sleeping over." Her comment to me was, "No, you wouldn't, because I love you, but that's just enabling."

JJ West: Mary, what she is saying is true. There is a need for you to wrestle with: do I trust God when I'm afraid? That's all through the scriptures. We're told over and over again, "Do not be afraid." We can either read that as a command, "Don't be afraid," like a stern boss or a parent, or we can hear it more as a loving parent who is standing in the pool and the child is on the edge trying to jump into the water for the first time and the parent says, "Don't be afraid, I've got you." I want you to hear that from your heavenly, loving Father who says to you, "Mary, when you're alone, when your husband is traveling or even one day if he dies before you, you're not alone because I'm here and I've got you, and so you don't need to be afraid."

Mary: It's going to sound really crazy, but I go upstairs, and I've had this fear since I was little. I go upstairs and it's dark and I feel as though there's some spiritual force there that's trying to get me and I have to get down and out of that as fast as I can. I can't logically explain that. It's not that I'm afraid someone's going to come into the house. That's not it. I'm afraid of spiritual forces that are just going to overcome me. It's the unknown. Normally we sleep with a sound machine on. So when he's not here, I will not sleep with the sound machine on because then I can't hear. I've got to be able to hear. And I sleep with the light on. I typically will fall asleep first before going up.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Mary, have you thought of having close friends or your pastor come and pray around your house and upstairs? My son had something like that when he was little and we prayed all over his room for protection. It's consecration. You consecrate the space.

I think it is like you mentioned; you felt that ever since you were a little girl. Some people are more sensitive and I think the enemy sees our vulnerabilities and that's where he gets in to taunt us and to make us feel unsafe. We're going to have to take a quick break.

For Mary, I want to suggest an article that we have on our website, NewLife.com. The article is "Eight Tips to Stop Anxiety Dead in its Tracks." We also want to send you a tip sheet that will help you with this terror that you're feeling. It's called "Ten Terror-Busting Scriptures." It's just ten Bible verses maybe you can read them when you feel the anxiety coming in or memorize them.

JJ West: We were talking during the break. She asked at the end why she might be feeling this. There's all kinds of different reasons. We all have different baseline anxiety levels. She may have a higher baseline anxiety level. She may be more receptive or sensitive to the spiritual realm. That may be part of it. But I do think that there's probably some childhood trauma anxiety that she experienced and it would be good for her to do some counseling work, some therapy work to maybe uncover that if she's not aware of what that is.

I also want to say that I think it would be good for her to wrestle with the question, Mary, if you're still listening, if it's a spiritual thing, not that I'm afraid that someone's going to break in, but it's a spiritual thing, why do I feel safer when my husband is present? What is about him being here that protects me or I sense that or I think that it's going to protect me from these spiritual forces? Because I do think that there's a question about: am I fully trusting in God? Even that phrase is silly because none of us fully trust in God. But we're all trying to trust Him a little bit more.

Brian Perez: Mary, thanks for your phone call today on New Life Live. Julia is in the other Washington; we go from Washington, D.C. to Washington state. Welcome, Julia. Thanks for listening to us on KSOH. How can we help you?

Julia: I have a friend who's an atheist. How am I a blessing to him?

Brian Perez: How long have you known this friend?

Julia: Four years. We're neighbors.

JJ West: Honestly, we bless our atheist friends or our friends from other faith backgrounds in very similar ways that we bless our Christian friends: by loving, by listening, by caring, by spending time with, by asking good questions. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry. Really, it's not that different. But I do think that it's important as well that as we're doing that, as we're loving, as we're caring, as we're showing up for, that we label our love. We talk about, "Yeah, I do these things because God loves me and so I want to turn around and love others." From Genesis to Revelation, the running theme is that God blesses His people so that they would then turn and bless the nations. As God blesses me, I turn around and I bless you as my friend, as someone I care about, as someone that I want to see grow and be healthy.

Brian Perez: Is there a reason, Julia, that you don't think these would work on your friend?

Julia: He's very attractive to women and he's very attractive to me. I realize that I would be doing him no favors if I compromised my Christianity.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yes. In fact, I think it's really important, Julia, that you are more confident in your relationship with God than any need to have acceptance from him. Stand on that. That will make you very attractive to him because he will wonder. If he's very into women and he's an atheist, he's probably into conquering women. You're standing for something different, something much more valuable than that. I would just pray for opportunities to speak up and to be bold when you have that opportunity, and not to be thwarted by any mocking of him because just because he doesn't believe it doesn't make it not true. We know that.

JJ West: On that note, just maintaining those good boundaries with him. "Of course, you're my friend and I'm going to spend time with you, I'll answer questions that you have, but no, I'm not going to pursue any kind of romantic relationship because here's my belief system. God has told me that it's important for me to be in relationship with someone who shares my same belief system, my same values. So I will not violate God's rule for me in order to enjoy this romantic relationship." That's a really important boundary to maintain.

Brian Perez: Are you afraid that by being a blessing to him, you're going to lead him on?

Julia: We have a wonderful friendship. I met him like three years ago and almost our first conversation was that men and women can be friends. Some people don't think that men and women can be just friends.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Just stay strong in your faith because the enemy does like to seduce.

JJ West: Are there people in your world, especially in your church setting, who are challenging you or questioning your relationship with this guy that you can't be just friends with him?

Julia: Yeah, we've been treated really badly.

Brian Perez: Why is that?

Julia: I guess they needed to know that we could be trusted. My friend and I live in assisted living. We're both in our 60s.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Unfortunately, in assisted living, Julia, there's a lot of activity that goes on, a lot of romances. It's probably not you; it's probably just that they're highly suspect.

Brian Perez: JJ, why do you think sometimes we feel as believers that we can't show kindness to non-believers?

JJ West: I don't know why someone would believe that because clearly, look at Jesus's model. Jesus was loving, kind, compassionate to the world, not just to His disciples. He crossed lines all of the time. I think about the woman at the well. She was a different nationality, different religion; there were a lot of divisions there, male-female, why Jesus shouldn't have interacted with her. But He said, "No, I'm not going to let those human divisions keep me from sharing the truth and blessing this woman." There's a great deal of truth for us to follow in that, of being willing to cross lines and even let myself be uncomfortable in order to care for and bless those around us.

Brian Perez: If anything, be kind to everyone, but maybe be extra kind to non-believers. As we were saying, you want to be Jesus. Actions often speak louder and we win people through attraction to the light in us. Julia, great hearing from you.

We're going to be in the studio for another hour, so keep calling. Ask your questions from Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West. 1-800-229-3000 is the number. Thanks for joining us today and we'll talk to you tomorrow on New Life Live.

Guest (Male): Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.