New Life LIVE

Announcer: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hey everyone, welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we're going to be in the studio for two hours today. The phone lines are open for two hours today. We are ready to talk to you at 1-800-229-3000. Here to answer your questions today, we've got a couple of clinical psychologists, Dr. Jill Hubbard and Dr. Alice Benton. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. Alice recently wrote a book. It is available on Amazon. It's called 100 Days of Biblical Family Engagement. What can our New Life listeners and viewers learn from this book, Alice?

Alice Benton: Part of the reason that I wrote it was my concern for my own children's vulnerability to addiction. There's a new term, digital dementia. You've probably heard of it. It makes sense. There are some big research studies coming out that are showing that excessive screen use actually leads to some symptoms of Alzheimer's in children and teenagers. Things like forgetfulness, focus, recall, and attention span. We're seeing a direct link in brain imaging studies that the brain is changing and parts of the brain are deteriorating when screen time is excessive.

The level of excessive is pretty scary. It's over two hours. Our children are already inundated with screen use. So we should be concerned about both screen abuse and screen addiction. What can we do about it? Well, we want to teach our children self-control. I don't want to eliminate screens. My family benefits from and enjoys screens. Most of my work is on a screen. We get to connect with you all because of technology.

I want my children to have digital well-being, the ability to use screens in moderation, benefit from them, and enjoy them, but also know when and how to get off them, which is difficult for all of us. That's where scripture comes in and that's where this book comes in, because God tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our mind and not to conform to the norms of society. This is one of those norms where average screen use is really six to eight hours a day, well beyond the two-hour limit that is being recommended.

I don't have time or energy to get my family to read scripture so that they can transform and renew their mind. So I had to make something very simple and very effective, really under five minutes because we are struggling with attention span as well, that I can just use at breakfast or in the car on the way to school. I can get my children a touch with scripture because I know it's one of the most powerful ways to protect them from addiction, but also from depression, anxiety, and violent thoughts and behaviors.

There's research that shows that families that have a touch with scripture four times per week have protection and have less likelihood of those struggles. So I think there are three things that we can do. If you're concerned for your children, if you're concerned for your grandchildren and this digital dementia and screen addiction, we can get them a touch with scripture briefly. We can model as parents healthier screen use ourselves, and we need community support. If you buy the book, you get a free month access to my parent online support community and class where I teach these principles in three to five-minute videos per day. We've got a community of parents that want to do this together because it's too hard to do alone.

Brian Perez: And again, it's called 100 Days of Biblical Family Engagement. So each chapter is about five minutes?

Alice Benton: These take the discussions, take three to five minutes.

Brian Perez: Nice. Alright, get that on Amazon. 100 Days of Biblical Family Engagement. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call us today here on New Life LIVE. We're going to be in the studio for the next two hours with Dr. Alice Benton and Dr. Jill Hubbard. Give us a call. What's on your mind? What's going on in your home, in your heart? Call in, 1-800-229-3000.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Did you know that New Life has an app? Yes, we do. You can listen to the show live or on the go, podcast, et cetera. So much there on the New Life app. Make sure to download it. You can come to our website, NewLife.com, and go down to the footer. That way you will get the correct links to both of these apps for your Android or your iPhone. Again, that's NewLife.com to get the New Life app.

If you go to our website, NewLife.com/radio, you'll find out how you can get your question to us, how you can call in when we're here in the studio today, like 1-800-229-3000, the number to call us for the next two hours. But maybe you can't call in today or you're a night owl or something. I don't know what the deal is, but we've got other ways that you can get to us. You can go to NewLife.com/radio to get our email address or the phone number. It's a different phone number than the 1-800-229-3000 to leave us a voicemail.

Here's one of those questions that was submitted online as an email. It is from Anna, who listens to the New Life LIVE podcast. Anna's question: How do we help restore the relationship between my oldest stepdaughter and my husband? She's 24 years old and was living with us for the past 16 months and working with her dad for his business at home. During that time, the relationship got better, doing vacations together and being more a part of our family life.

She planned to move to Michigan to be with her boyfriend. We gave her a farewell dinner the night before, and the plan was for us to meet her boyfriend the day of the move for 10 to 15 minutes. After that nice dinner, while my husband was getting the car, she mentioned she had something to talk to us about: marrying her boyfriend. Unfortunately, when we got home, everyone had something to do, and she wanted us to help pack her car and move things out of her room. It was 11 p.m. and not planned.

My husband told her he could help in the morning. That turned into, "What kind of father doesn't help his daughter move?" Eventually, her sisters and I helped her pack the car. She was crying and being super emotional about her dad not helping. The following morning, she came back to get more things and her dad told her she was always welcome and wished her well. Her boyfriend stayed at the hotel. She drove to Michigan and we never met him.

I believe that day they got married. We were not part of it whatsoever. Her mother and her whole side of the family had met him and took a cruise during the holidays. A couple of days later, she reached out to her dad for her paycheck and he told her to submit the hours she worked because she had missed a lot of days. No response. He texted her to talk about it and she sent a text saying not to ever talk to her again. She started taking money out of the business account for the full amount of her salary. My husband got mad and tried to reach out, but no response. Now she's blocked all of dad's side of the family. Anna's question: how do we help restore that relationship? What would you guys say, Dr. Jill?

Jill Hubbard: I hate hearing stories like this. It's so heartbreaking. So it sounds like this was a final blow-up, but I imagine there were little things brewing. You have a divorced family situation, which sometimes there's a story on each side and oftentimes a story built against one parent and for another.

It sounds like Anna, unfortunately, had a lot of feelings towards her dad over time, and I would also imagine it was very emotional. She's making this huge decision to go and just get married and not really include family. We don't know all of their dynamic, but I think as a parent, we're always a parent and we have to deal with our own feelings with people who are safe for us. Dad should deal with his feelings with stepmom and maybe even seek some professional help for that.

But continue to reach out and to maybe now that his reaching out is hitting a block, although she is saying don't ever talk to me again, I might reach out again and say, "I'm confused by what feels like a complete shut door, and I'd really love to understand as there must have been more leading up to this that I must have unknowingly hurt you. I really want to understand because I would never want to do that. I would love an opportunity to be able to own my part and apologize for any misunderstandings or hurt that you experienced."

Maybe even reflect on what happened in her growing up years, what happened that led to the divorce with her mom, and maybe also own whatever you can own, whatever you do recognize, to own that. I might send that in a letter and acknowledge that I heard that you said don't contact you again. I'm not sure if that was just said in anger or if you really think there's no hope for our relationship, but I'm going to hold on to hope. And then I would wait. I would invite her into relationship and I would wait. Maybe you wait six weeks. I've heard people say a month to six weeks. And then I might say, "I just wanted to make sure you received the letter if I haven't heard anything back, and let me know when and if you're ready to talk."

Alice Benton: I made Swedish pancakes the other day for my kids. I worked really hard on them and I put too much syrup on my daughter's pancakes and she melted. She just fell apart. She got loud, she was angry with me, and it was so uncharacteristic of her. She was acting like a spoiled, rotten, ungrateful brat after all the work I just did for her.

When our children have what seems like an excessive reaction in the moment, as Jill's pointing out, it almost always means history is bleeding into the present. It wasn't about the syrup. It was feeling like neither I nor her brothers nor her dad listened to her through the day. It was drama at school with her girlfriends. There were reasons why. The syrup was just the final straw.

As this adult child sounds ungrateful, spoiled—what? Because you didn't help her move one night? At 11:30 p.m.? There is so much history here that needs attention. I have found that parental humility is the most powerful approach. Rather than standing in a place of self-righteousness of "This child better ask for some forgiveness that she did this to us," and you do deserve that and she really should, but because you're the one that wants relationship and she doesn't right now, choosing humility, choosing to say, "I really upset you that I didn't help that night. I upset you that I didn't perhaps pay the salary that time. And there were times I missed you when you were growing up. There were times I didn't listen. The divorce from your mom was upsetting to you. There were a lot of times I wasn't there for you, and I want to be a listener to all of that. I can just listen and not be defensive."

That's the essence of the comfort circle. It's the essence of good repair. It's choosing humility and it's choosing prolonged listening so that you can connect with your child rather than correct your child. You may have to do that in a letter because they won't talk to you, and you can certainly prepare by individual therapy because it's a lot easier said than done to be the one putting yourself in the hot seat for your ungrateful, spoiled, wretch child and be a listener to them. It takes all you can muster, but it works.

Brian Perez: What do they say? Hysteria is historical? Is that the phrase?

Jill Hubbard: That's right. If it's hysterical, it's historical.

Brian Perez: That's it. So let's talk a little bit more about this parental humility, because I think a lot of parents listening right now might be thinking, "Wait a minute, I can't let my kid win. They were obviously in the wrong in this situation just because I didn't help them move at eleven at night." To reach out and just kind of when you do the whole apology thing and everything, it's like you're rolling over and letting them win.

Jill Hubbard: You have to remember that this isn't a fact-finding mission. It's about hearing and seeing it through the other person's eyes, even if they're wrong, even if it's a distortion. It's what they believe and it's what they're acting on. That's really important.

A lot of times people get in their head and they want to say, "Well, it didn't happen that way. This is how..." and they want to prove the facts and you'll lose the person every time. So you're trying to see the other person. Alice, like you, I stick my foot in my mouth all the time with my kids, and especially my daughter. I did it this weekend as well. Too much syrup on the pancakes? No, she walked in the house and she told my husband, "Well, she did it again," and I'm like, "Oh no, I did it again."

I had to go and talk with her. Fortunately, she'll talk to me and we'll listen. She's hypersensitive to certain things and I forget that because I'm not the daughter. So she hears things in ways that I don't mean them. I just have to be aware of that. Sometimes when I think we're having fun and we're bantering and this is funny, it's not funny to her. So I try to get behind her eyes, but a lot of times I miss the mark.

Even though I'm like, "That wasn't a big deal at all," to her, it was a big deal. To her, there have been little hurts over time that we've had to talk about and I've had to apologize over and over and over and over and over again. We have two hours today, go ahead. It's a lot of apologizing.

Alice Benton: It depends on what the primary goal is of the interaction with our children because, of course, we have to correct them. Yet there are so many opportunities for the correction side of things, it's easy to go overboard on that and miss out on making deposits in the relationship.

Children receive correction better if they feel connected to us, if they know that we've heard them out. Back to my syrup example, of course I have to tell my daughter, "Kiddo, that's not an appropriate reaction over something like that." But she's not going to hear that well from me until I say, "Wow, you must have had a rough day. Tell me what's been going on." Because after I've heard her, after she feels comforted and secure in relationship with me, that's when I can say, "Okay, let's look at how to do this differently the next time."

Jill Hubbard: And as they get older, since my daughter's quite a bit older than yours, once you do that and you connect, I find that then they come back around. She'll come back around and say, "Mom, you know what, I actually had a rough day and I'm sorry I did overreact."

Alice Benton: Parental humility and the willingness to listen tends to draw humility out of the speaker, out of our children. It does work.

Brian Perez: Anna, thank you so much for submitting your question online. You can do it too by going to NewLife.com/radio. But if you can call us right now, please do. We're going to be in the studio for the next two hours at 1-800-229-3000. In fact, we're coming up to our break, but I think we can at least begin our conversation with Lynn in Traverse City, Michigan, who listens to New Life LIVE on the OnePlace app. Hi there, welcome to New Life LIVE.

Lynn: Thank you. Thanks for taking my call.

Brian Perez: Of course. How can we help you? What's going on?

Lynn: Well, I have a situation that we need to address and I just would like some advice on how to address it with my son and daughter-in-law. They have three boys, four, two, and a brand new one. The oldest likes pink, so he wears a pink bike helmet and pink Crocs and things like that. Until just recently, they put him in a dress.

I had some inkling because he had drawn me a picture of himself, and I asked him about the picture and I said, "Well, who is this? What is this?" He said, "It's me." I said, "Oh, what are you doing?" He said, "I have a dress on." I said, "Are you playing dress-up?" "No, I have a dress on." And I said, "Oh," and that's all I said.

Then he drew me another picture with a frown with him in a dress and he told me he hurt my feelings. Well, so with that, I took it to the Lord and have just been praying for him. But then when this dress appeared and appeared a second time in a different dress, I just was crushed and thought, "Don't do this." Before I say anything, I thought maybe I could get some advice.

Brian Perez: You definitely called the right place. New Life LIVE at 1-800-229-3000. Any questions that you want Lynn to think about before we go to the break or is there more?

Alice Benton: How old is the boy?

Lynn: He's four. He'll turn five in July.

Alice Benton: Think about how receptive your son has been to being loved by you and getting advice and wisdom from you, and we want to hear about that after the break.

Brian Perez: Yeah, we'll talk to you Lynn and everyone else who calls in to New Life LIVE. It's 1-800-229-3000 and we're in the studio for two hours today. Can't wait to talk to you.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Back to Lynn in Michigan who's watching or listening to us on the OnePlace app. Thank you, Lynn, for calling 1-800-229-3000. So just for clarification, your four-year-old grandson was wearing a dress or drew a picture of himself wearing a dress?

Lynn: The first awareness I had was he drew himself a picture of himself in a dress. I asked him if it was dress-up and he said, "No, I'm wearing a dress." Then they took pictures of the last day of preschool and he had a dress on. Then I went to their house and he had a different dress on. So I know this is—they purchased these dresses for him.

Brian Perez: And he's wearing them to school?

Lynn: Well, he did that day.

Alice Benton: Lynn, what's your strongest emotion about this?

Lynn: That they're going to let him just go out there in it, and they're not going to see the consequences that this could really harm him. He has been bullied in school, they told me that in the past. So I'm thinking, well, sometimes he's in pink, so I think little kids are just not always kind. I don't know what the bullying is.

Alice Benton: You're scared for him and you're feeling very protective.

Lynn: I am. A little backstory is we have a daughter that came out at 30 and chose to be in a relationship with a woman, and marry a woman, and also removed her breasts and dresses masculinely. So there's some confusion with my other grandchildren on if she's our aunt or what. I'm just thinking this is just a confusing time for little ones.

My son was raised in a Christian home and knows, knows, but has not walked with the Lord.

Alice Benton: Does he claim to be Christian?

Lynn: No, he doesn't.

Alice Benton: How's your relationship with him? Is he open to hearing from you?

Lynn: He's open to me, but as to asking about maybe not taking all his immunizations at once with the kids or saying maybe you don't want to take Tylenol when you're pregnant, those weren't received because I have different ideas. But I see them often, I care for the little boys. I've respected, you know, they don't pray in their home, but I do talk about God in creation with the boys. I've taken them to Mom's Day Out. I asked to take them to Vacation Bible School and that was "there'll be too many questions." And I said, "And there are answers."

Alice Benton: I praise you that you are trying so hard to respect that they live differently than you do, but you're trying to stay involved and be loving all at the same time and that's a tough balancing act. Is the father of your children involved in their life?

Lynn: Yes.

Alice Benton: You two are married? Still married?

Lynn: Married 47 years. We're involved.

Alice Benton: I'm assuming you and he are on the same page?

Lynn: We are. We were going to call them to come without the boys and to talk about this just because it's sensitive and sensitive ears and I don't want to come between he and his wife, so that's why we said we would just invite them together because they both must be agreeing on this.

Jill Hubbard: Well, I think that could be a good way to go about it. I'm thinking, too, you want to—they already know you think differently. So to be able to just put that out there, that we don't always see things the same way, and just like you said to us, that you try to respect that they have different views about things. I think because of what you've been through with your daughter, this is already a hurtful area.

You may even say that, "Going through things with your sister was very hard for us as you know, and it's created confusion and I don't know if there are consequences in her life as a result. We wanted to have a more open discussion with them. We want to understand what their stance is and their approach to raising kids."

I was saying at the break, it used to be that we could indulge kids' fantasies and imagination, especially prior to like six years old, where they're very imaginative. They want to be princesses and all kinds of things. I remember my son used to dress in costumes and he would wear his zebra costume to church or to the mall, but I never worried about him thinking he was going to actually be a zebra someday. So it was fun and he grew out of it.

There's a healthy way to go about that, but while reinforcing more traditional gender identity, and that's where the rub is. We used to say, "Okay, little boys do this and little girls do this," and it gave kids some guidelines. Now it's like we're expecting babies, we're just giving them carte blanche for anything. So you're in a very hard position, but I think you want to maintain a relationship with your son. You want to think about the long game here, not the short wins. You want to stay in these boys' lives so that they will see a difference in you and you may be a resource for something healthier.

Alice Benton: Lynn, I would also be very brief and very cautious in how you state your disagreement with them. I would put some good prayer and fasting into asking God, "How strong do I have to go on this?" because you know it will upset relationship with them.

Brian Perez: This is New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Back to Lynn in Michigan. Thank you, Lynn, for calling 1-800-229-3000. So just for clarification, your four-year-old grandson was wearing a dress or drew a picture of himself wearing a dress?

Jill Hubbard: Lynn, just a couple of things of caution when you have this conversation. One, I love, Alice, that you were reminding them to pray, to fast, to really keep yourself grounded. You want to try to make it less emotional of a time. Not that you can't have tears or some emotion, but if it's too anxiety-filled, that is something that they may push away.

You don't want to be over-invested in the outcome. You want to approach it as "we're curious, we want to understand where you're coming from." We obviously have a different viewpoint, so this isn't about convincing them, this is about understanding and connection for the long game.

One other pitfall is once you have this conversation and you understand where they're coming from, if there are certain boundaries that you are sensing with them, if you cross those or try to go around them and they catch wind of that, that could be problematic. So more information is good, at the same time it creates more accountability. So that's something to be aware of.

Alice Benton: Jill, I think I'd even go so far as to say this first meeting probably should not involve your opinion, Lynn, and your husband's opinion. It should perhaps only be a listening meeting and maybe offering support, whether it's, "Hey, we know he's going through bullying, we know now of course he's questioning his gender, he's trying different things out here. Could we support you with family therapy? Could we pay for therapy to help you all figure out how you're going through this and what decisions you want to make?"

I would take what they say of any explanation they're willing to give and again, think in prayer over that. I'd even consult with a counselor because the ice gets so thin when it's a grandparent who has a differing life perspective than your adult child. So I think I would not voice your disagreement until after you've sussed this out with a counselor and after you've just heard your children. What do you think about that, Jill?

Jill Hubbard: I like that. I think you have to acknowledge they already know they have a different opinion or they're coming from a Christian worldview. So you can acknowledge that, but not go into details about what you think or that you think it's wrong. I think just wanting to understand and partly wanting to understand because you do come from a different perspective. Help us understand because we want to come along and I like the idea of coming along and support you in a way that feels helpful to you. That's why we're wanting to talk and understand.

They'll probably be very surprised by that because they would probably expect you to say, "But don't you understand what God says and what the Bible says?" or to have a problem with that. Again, this isn't about persuading them, but it goes a long way when they know you don't agree with them, yet you're willing to stand with them.

Alice Benton: And accepting that this is their choice but not agreeing with it. Acceptance just means, "I'm taking into account that this is the reality. I don't have the decision-making power with what this family does. This is the reality. I can agree this is reality. I don't endorse what's happening, but I accept that this is your decision and you have a right to make this decision." And I'm going to keep praying and fasting because I'm worried about how this is going to go for you.

Brian Perez: What if Lynn's son and daughter-in-law say, "Okay, we'll do the family therapy," but they don't want to go through one of our New Life Network counselors? They want to find their own therapist and it might even be someone who aligns with those beliefs and will say, "Oh yeah, that's fine, just let them live how he wants to live."

Alice Benton: It is a risk and you don't get to control the outcome of that. You could say, "I'm willing to pay for a therapist from this network that I really trust," but as it's an obviously Christian network, I don't think that they would accept that. So decide, do you want to offer a support that you do not have control over the outcome? You can pray and hope for a therapist that would do good by this family. But as you know, many secular clinicians are even actually mandated to support this process and not counter it.

Jill Hubbard: Getting them talking, when people hear themselves talking, they have to formulate what they really believe. Asking them too, what is their opinion? How do they see this playing out for their son? The son's already been bullied. What are they seeing down the road? Because a lot of things are really cute at four years old. But what is it like at 10 years old and at 15 years old? So just and maybe they haven't thought about that, so just asking those questions.

Brian Perez: Lynn, thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE at 1-800-229-3000. As you're praying and fasting, people watching and listening to your phone call right now are going to be praying for you as well. Thank you so much for your phone call.

Alice Benton: Just a resource I want to offer—a book called Embodied by Preston Sprinkle. He has a ministry serving Christians who want to know how to love their family members who are going through this. So that's one of the best books I know to apply the Bible to love well in the context of our culture today.

Brian Perez: Book again?

Alice Benton: Embodied by Preston Sprinkle.

Brian Perez: Alright. We've got something going on at New Life in just a few weeks: Saturday, August 1st. Ladies, mark your calendars for this new virtual gathering that we're doing. It's called Rescue: Your First Step Toward Healing. It's led by licensed counselor Laura Mangin McDonald, and this experience combines biblical encouragement, clinical insight, and connection with other women who understand.

Rescue was created for women who have never taken the first step toward their own healing after betrayal and is designed to help you find your footing again. After discovering sexual betrayal, pornography, or broken trust in their marriage, many women carry confusion, grief, anxiety, fear, and isolation. Often they're trying to carry it all alone. Imagine spending just a few hours with women who actually understand what you are carrying.

If you're hurting today, pay attention to that nudge in your heart. This could be the first step toward healing. You can learn more at NewLife.com, and we have an early bird rate if you sign up through July 17th. So take advantage of that. You can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE to get more details or go to NewLife.com.

1-800-229-3000 is the number in the studio today. Let's go to Brenda in Charleston, South Carolina, and Brenda's listening on SiriusXM channel 131. Hey Brenda, thanks for calling New Life LIVE today.

Brenda: Thank you so much for taking my call.

Brian Perez: Of course. What's going on?

Brenda: I have a twin sister and we're best friends and we have an older sister and our older sister was diagnosed as bipolar probably in her late teens or early 20s. My parents always took care of her. She lived with them and they passed away eight years ago. Since then, my twin sister and I have kind of been struggling, so to speak, with what to do for and with her.

She's in an apartment and capable to some degree of living by herself, but my twin sister has a completely different relationship with her than I do. My twin sister is kind of the sounding board and more of an emotional connector with her, and I'm more guarded with my older sister because she has a lot of the same characteristics as an ex-husband for me.

So it can put some strain on me and my twin sister as well. Actually, this afternoon me and my twin sister are meeting because we're having to go through her paperwork of re-establishing her benefits. She gets benefits. So we're just kind of struggling with how involved to be with her and what's kind of the best route for those with bipolar as far as siblings who are kind of assuming responsibility that the parents did.

Alice Benton: This is a tough question and because it costs you to be in too close of relationship with your older sister, and yet there's a willingness to try to love her well, to try to care for her well, but you also need a certain amount of distance to guard your heart. What does your oldest sister want from you and what does she need from you? They may be two different things.

Brenda: Yeah, that's a good question. I think at first, especially after almost immediately after my parents passed, she was very okay with having some distance. Now it kind of seems like—and we don't know if this is because she knows we have to be a part of her benefit process or what—but she continually says she misses her family, she wants to be close to her family. I don't know if that's manipulation or if it's truth. So we're also kind of trying to struggle to figure that out.

Jill Hubbard: She wants face-to-face time with you? What would it be manipulating?

Brenda: That she might not get some resources from us that she does if she's not a part of our circle.

Jill Hubbard: She's wanting to be included more in your life, like she was with parents. But you don't know if you can trust her because she might just be trying to be getting something out of you and it's hard to spend time with her. Brenda, stay on the phone. We've got to take a break here on New Life LIVE and the phone lines are still open. We're going to be in the studio for another hour after this one. So keep calling in, 1-800-229-3000.

Announcer: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

Brian Perez: Right back to the phones. Here is Brenda. You still with us, Brenda?

Brenda: I am.

Brian Perez: Alright. Jill?

Jill Hubbard: So Brenda, I'm wondering what you feel afraid of, because I hear the hesitancy. You mention she reminds you of your ex-husband. What's the fear here with older sister?

Brenda: Well, a caveat to all of it too is that in February, I moved in the same area as my twin and I think this "I want to be close to my family" kind of started when I moved closer to my twin. So I think there's some kind of older sister feeling a little abandoned or something, like we're sitting around and talking about her or something to that degree, and we're not at all.

But I think it's, like you guys said earlier, it's a unique situation because she has addictive behaviors and has been untrustworthy and like I said, same with my ex, so I am very guarded around her. It's really hard for my twin sister, even today, like going through her paperwork for benefits, it's going to be really tough for me and my twin sister because I have a completely different perspective on things than she does.

Alice Benton: And is your older sister still active in addiction and is she not in recovery, hasn't repaired the harm she did to you all?

Brenda: Well, that's also a part of it because I still believe that she does drink and my twin sister believes she does not. Yeah, so there's just different viewpoints. I think we've always kind of struggled or especially since my parents passed away, like what are we supposed to—does she need to move closer to us? Do we need to move her in with one of us? My twin sister has a 13-year-old and she doesn't have a lot of extra capacity for this. I don't have a lot of extra capacity for it because of just history. It's kind of an obligation that has fallen on you that you're not sure you fully want.

Jill Hubbard: I do have some compassion for her. She's the older sister and her younger sisters are twins. So you said you guys are best friends, so she's already odd man out, and then she has these diagnoses that make her even more different. So that's probably hard for her to feel a part of the two of you.

I'm also hearing, Brenda, that you have some experience that gives you some insight and some wisdom, but I'm also wondering if you have done the work that you've needed to do to heal from what you went through and to be able to separate that ex-husband and sister. While there's some similarities, they're not the same person so that you're not getting triggered.

Good to be cautious and aware and this is where maybe your twin, you guys do balance each other out. You may help her to be a little wiser and maybe less gullible and she can maybe soften some of your responses as well. It's going to be a lot of compromise of making some good decisions and not assuming what older sister needs and wants. You're going to have to ask her and talk it through with her, that sometimes what we think we want may have an up or a down side. I certainly wouldn't move her in with one of you until absolutely necessary, the latter stages of life, because while she may be feeling abandoned because of the proximity and the distance, too much togetherness could be overwhelming for everybody. If you did move her, she needs to be in her own place and be as independent as possible for as long as possible.

Alice Benton: Brenda, I'd add to that three steps I'd have you to take. One is to keep discerning what God's will is here, because I've had God send me in to get close to difficult people because He needed me to minister to them and it was too much time, energy, money, but I knew God was calling me to do it. So I can trust when I can discern the Holy Spirit wants me to do this even though my body does not want to do this.

But I also need to pass that by another person, because what I think I'm hearing from God, I'm not 100% He hasn't said it out loud. And so I want you to get advice from people that love you and know your background, and I don't mean your twin sister because she's too involved in this too, so she can't have an objective perspective on it.

But then I would have you evaluate your resources, because there have been people in my life who wanted more from me than I could give in a healthy way. And so I had to say, "I'm only available this much. I'm only available to text or email with you. I can't get together. I can't have long phone conversations. I'm not available for that. I can support you perhaps financially in some ways if you're getting help, if you're seeing a therapist, but I'm not available to have you move into my home."

Deciding both what God wants from you, but then what you have the resources to provide for her and still have a good heart state. Because when we spread ourselves too thin and we overcommit, then we start to do good things with an angry heart. And as a people-pleaser, I certainly have gotten myself—yeah, we get resentful. Does that one fit for you, Brenda?

Brenda: Yeah, and that's one of the things because both of us have always been committed to "we're going to make sure she's taken care of." I think it's just a difficult situation. But I also know, we didn't have children, so I do feel like I have some flexibility. So if I need to move to where she is, then that is something that I can do so that we don't uproot her. But then yeah, it's kind of like, "Dang, I just got out of a heartbreaking relationship to go back into something that could be another heartbreaking relationship that's not even marriage."

Alice Benton: And your marriage just ended recently, so this is very fresh wounding from your ex-husband. Brenda, yeah.

Jill Hubbard: Evaluating the other resources, too. What friends does she have? Do you have other family members around? What professionals is your sister involved with? And weighing out uprooting her, if she's entrenched and has community where she's at, reminding her that if she moved closer, she would lose that and that you guys can't make up for that gap, even though you would be closer.

Alice Benton: We can also easily fall into enabling, which is doing for someone else what they should or someone else should do for them. Your parents may have done that. They may have cared for her too much and not challenged her enough, and so she might be used to that and she might want and expect that from you and your sister. That can also take a professional outsider opinion to determine what does she really need versus what does she want and what would be better for her in the long run. Because sometimes we need to let people struggle and face challenges without saving them from it so that they can grow through it.

Brian Perez: Brenda, thanks for calling in today to New Life LIVE. We are going to be in the studio for another hour, so Carla, Jan, we'll talk to you in just a little bit. Phone lines are still open, 1-800-229-3000 so that you can speak with doctors Alice Benton and Jill Hubbard. And don't forget, we're in the middle of a matching gift challenge right now. Up to $300,000 is what we're looking for, we're more than three-quarters of the way there. So we're asking for you to support too. You can go to NewLife.com/match or text the word match to 28950 or call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Thank you so much for whatever you can do. Your generosity is making a difference in the lives of lots of people. 1-800-229-3000 is our studio number and we can't wait to hear from you here on New Life LIVE for Dr. Alice Benton and Jill Hubbard. I'm Brian Perez. We'll talk to you next time on New Life LIVE.

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