New Life LIVE

New Life: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hey guys, welcome to New Life LIVE. I'm your host, Brian Perez, and we're going to be in the studio for two hours today. So give us a call at 1-800-229-3000. We would love to hear from you and hear what's going on in your life.

If you feel distant or detached, or maybe you feel unseen, maybe your friends have betrayed you, or who knows what's going on, give us a call. We'd love to talk to you about it at 1-800-229-3000. We might be the only people that you can talk to about these kinds of things because you don't want to share these kinds of things with your family, your friends, or even your pastor at church.

So call us up at 1-800-229-3000. Licensed marriage and family therapist JJ West is going to be on the show today, and in the studio with me, clinical psychologist Dr. Jill Hubbard. Hi, Jill.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Hi, Brian.

Brian Perez: Hey JJ, are you with us yet?

JJ West: I am. Can you hear me?

Brian Perez: Yes, now I can.

JJ West: Good. We're having all kinds of fun little technical difficulties today.

Brian Perez: Well, if you want to talk about that, you can call in too at 1-800-229-3000.

JJ West: Perfect, that works great. Actually, it was another interesting challenge, not so much a technical challenge. I was at EMB this weekend in D.C. It was a fantastic weekend. Just a great group of guys who showed up looking to change, looking to heal, and looking to be transformed. It's such an incredible experience.

Okay, so we have that. Then I go to the airport, and my flight is delayed because of weather. I try and get on an earlier flight; that flight's delayed because of weather. Then we get on the plane, we're ready to go, and we can't take off because there's some mechanical thing that they can't figure out. So we're delayed and delayed.

But then we get home, and everything's okay because I'm home now. It's good that I'm home. I go to open the fridge, and there's an interesting smell in the fridge. What is that? You've all had this experience, I'm sure, where you come back from a trip and there's something not quite right.

So then you have to do the search. You have to find the source of this not-right smell. It got me thinking about how so often in life there are things that are rotting. There are things that are going to a state of disintegration, a state of disrepair, but we're not paying attention. We don't see it as it's happening; we only notice the impact later, after things have gone awry.

So often, that's the case with us. We're not paying attention to what's going on inside of us. Sometimes we have habits that grow stale. Sometimes we have relationships that are growing things in us that are not healthy for us. Sometimes we are ignoring our healthy connections with God, with our own hearts, and with others.

So my question to the audience and my question to myself and to our panel is: Am I paying attention to what is growing in me? Am I paying attention to what needs to be removed and thrown away and what needs to be cultivated?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Love that, JJ. Yes, we need to pause and take time to reflect, and we often don't do that. We're anxious and busy, and we fill the space.

Brian Perez: Let's talk about that today or anything you want to talk about. Whatever's on your mind, whatever's on your heart. Got depression going on? Got grief? We actually have a webinar about grief happening this Thursday night. Dr. Alice Benton is hosting that along with Becky Brown.

You can still sign up for it; just text the word 'webinar' to 28950 or go to our website, newlife.com. But if you want to call in and speak with JJ and Dr. Jill, 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call for the next two hours.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

JJ West is always jaunting back and forth from one place to another. He was just at Every Man's Battle; he will soon be at the Intimacy and Marriage Intensive that is happening the weekend of July 24th in Washington, D.C. It's where couples experience serious breakthroughs and grow after learning information as a group on topics like attachment styles, how your family of origin impacts your marriage, and ways to build sexual intimacy without shame or insecurity.

You'll apply the information in therapist-led process groups. Here's what one attendee told us: "I was completely shut down and had lost all hope for our marriage. Our patterns owned us; we couldn't break the cycle. But the Intimacy and Marriage weekend has redeemed us. I now have hope for my marriage." Again, this is happening the weekend of July 24th in Washington, D.C.

JJ, anything you want to add on what Intimacy and Marriage—any standouts from past Intimacy and Marriages or Every Man's Battle this past weekend?

JJ West: What that attendee just told us, we hear so many times from our intensives. Really, the reason why is the intensives end up being like getting in two months of therapy into a weekend. That's why we call them intensives. It's intense.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Even longer than that, I think. And it's such a good springboard to ongoing therapy. I like calling them 'intwelvesives' because it's more than a ten, it's like at least a twelve.

JJ West: That's what we see and hear over and over again because all the distractions of life are set aside and you're just focused on either your integrity for EMB or your relationship for the Intimacy and Marriage Intensive. You get to set aside the distractions and dig into what the core patterns are that keep you stuck. When you can identify those and then choose a different path, you get unstuck and you start to experience the kind of relationship that God designed you to. There's so much joy and there's so much healing in that. We get to see it month after month after month, and I'm really privileged that I get to take part in that.

Brian Perez: For sure. Find out more about any of our intensives, either the Intimacy and Marriage, Every Man's Battle, or Restore: Healing After Betrayal. That's for women who have been betrayed in their marriages. You can find out more at newlife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

We are in the studio for the next two hours at 1-800-229-3000. You can also submit your questions to us online using an email address or leaving us a voicemail. The instructions for how to do that are on our website, newlife.com/radio. Here's one that was submitted online by Angela.

She asks: "How do I help navigate the challenges of my adult daughter? I'm writing to seek advice regarding my 33-year-old daughter. While she's a Christian and reads her Bible regularly, she does not currently attend a church. She's struggling to move forward with her life and is experiencing significant loneliness and frequent anxiety.

She's become increasingly isolated and no longer has a circle of friends. Furthermore, she's deeply focused on her desire to marry and have children, often to the point of asking partners for marriage after a month of dating. She recognizes that she struggles with codependency. I would appreciate any guidance or resources you could provide to help her navigate these challenges." Dr. Jill, what would you say to Angela and her daughter?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Young adulthood, she's 33, and I feel like young adulthood is longer than it used to be. It's now stretching beyond the 20s, especially when you don't feel like you're settled in. For some, being settled in is having started to hit some of the milestones like career, like marriage, and maybe it's kids.

This has always been. Women get really worried, young women, like, "Is there anyone out there for me? Will I be picked?" It stirs up all kinds of insecurities. Then as a mom, the helplessness of, "How do I help my daughter as she's navigating these uncertain times?"

We know that isolation is a killer. So some of what you can do is, first of all, be a person that comes alongside her in a positive way that isn't just always trying to problem-solve her issues. But hey, let's go meet for lunch, or let's go for a walk. Be someone that maybe can pull her out of her isolation because we know leaving the house every day is really important when you're depressed or when you're down.

This gal sounds down and anxious. I'm imagining she's maybe doing the online dating if she is dating, but then her desperateness is showing through. I know sometimes you really have to surrender the thing you think is going to make your life. It's like, okay, I have to be doing the things... What would I be doing if I found Mr. Perfect? Would life be wonderful? What are the things that I'm putting off that I'm not doing now because I'm waiting for this next stage of life?

The key is to start doing those things now. While the online dating stuff has been helpful for many, it's rubbing elbows with people. It's being involved in activities where you are side-by-side, where people get to know you more than just your profile picture and the nice words you've selected. That's why getting out there, getting in the community, going to church, being involved—not just showing up on Sundays—but where can you help out?

And where are there men? Where do men go? That's another thing to consider. For Angela, she can encourage her daughter. She can look at the ways in which she maybe is enabling her daughter. Then she can get a prayer support around her daughter and try to draw her out.

JJ West: I would start with asking some questions, being curious. Angela, if you can be curious about what's going on with your daughter and specifically asking questions like, "Tell me what it is about this idea of finding a mate, getting married, that has you so anxious."

And how does that line up with what she is reading in her Bible regularly? How does that line up with what you read about God? As we read scripture, we see over and over that God says, "I am faithful to you, and I will provide everything you need." He's asking us to trust him.

So ask those questions. What is it about having a mate or getting married that has you worked up inside? What is it about your relationship with God that's getting in the way of you trusting him to provide for you and to be enough for you? Marriage doesn't complete us; God completes us. My spouse is not the answer to my problems; turning to God and having a relationship with God is the answer to my problems.

So I would just be curious about those questions, not from an "I've got it all figured out and here I need to teach you what's wrong with you" perspective, but genuinely curious. What is getting in the way for you? What is that about for you? Then maybe some resources for her.

I think of a couple of books by Ed Welch: "When People are Big and God is Small" or "Running Scared" that might help her start to look at some of the sources of her anxiety. And then Henry Cloud wrote "Trust." Things like that could be resources for her to continue to dig in and find out what is going on inside of me that I get so keyed up because there's a fear there.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: These are the things you talk about when you go on your walk and you get her moving and you go to lunch. Let's look at this, and let's look at what you are feeling this says about you. A lot of times what gets in the way of trusting God are the fears about oneself that are irrational but nonetheless are there, and that we look to be validated through these external situations instead of being able to trust God. It's hard when you're filled with that fear.

JJ West: You're absolutely right; it is those externals. For some of us, it's performance at work. For some of us, it's athletic performance. For some of us, it's who chooses us, like you were saying, hoping to be chosen, who chooses us, who wants to be in our world. All of these things are those external validations that I'm important, that I matter, that I have something to offer, that I'm worthwhile.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right. It's like, okay, we know our parents love us, we know God loves us if we're a Christian. We know all that intellectually, whether you're internalizing it or not is another thing. But it's like, am I lovable to a potential mate? I think that's a huge question for young people that are asking that. Would someone desire me? Would someone delight in me who doesn't have to? Mom and dad love me, God loves me, but it almost feels like they have to; it's like their job, it's required.

Like I don't want to minimize that; we all need to internalize how God sees us more. That is the answer for everything. But we don't do it because we're human and we get caught up in the things of the world and what the enemy whispers in our ears. So I think we also have to meet them where they're at.

I also agree with you; it's important to online dating is super helpful in a lot of ways, but there's a couple of things that are challenging there. One is I'm not getting out of the house, so it's good for me to go and do the things that I enjoy doing, and while I'm doing those things, I'll meet people who also enjoy doing those things, so we already have something in common. That's helpful.

The other thing that's really challenging I think about online dating is that it's reversed the order. Back before online dating, you would meet someone and you'd start dating and as you're dating you're getting to know them better; you're learning about them and you're building the relationship.

There are things that come up along the way that you go, "I don't know if I like that," but I don't think it's important enough to just kill the relationship. Or there might be something you go, "No, that's too much; that's a deal-killer." With online dating, it's reversed that process. We have all the deal-breakers at the beginning.

I read through your profile; this is what you like, this is what you don't like. "Mmm, that's a deal-breaker, never mind, I'm done," before I've ever met you, before I've gotten to know you as a person. I've just learned facts about you and I've either canceled out or I've said, "Oh, well maybe there's a possibility here." So it reverses the order and doesn't allow for the natural evolution of a relationship in some ways. So we have to be careful with that. I'm not saying don't do online dating, just be careful that you don't have too many deal-breakers that you don't give it a chance to get to know the person.

Henry Cloud wrote a book, "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping," and it was written around the time where online dating was at its peak and newer. So he was a proponent of that because once you leave school, it's like, where do you find—what did he call colleges, they are like dating farms. Once you get off the farm, where do you find all the people?

So he did encourage that. But I think the idea is, first of all, set aside thinking on your first date, "Could I marry this person?" because that always just raises the stakes. Think about this as another human being; what can I learn about them? Because the idea is to see yourself, your personality, against the backdrop of other personalities and people so you really learn about yourself. It's also looking at yourself and helping you to be the Mrs. or Mr. Right for someone else.

I think also Angela could be asking her daughter the question: "Hey, tell me what is it about not going to church? What's going on for you there? Is there something you're objecting to, or is it avoiding interactions with people?"

Brian Perez: Angela, thank you so much for sending in your email through the link that we have on our website, newlife.com/radio. We're going to go to the phones in just a minute. Call in to 1-800-229-3000; we can't wait to speak with you.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE.

We're back at 1-800-229-3000. To the phones we go. Lynn in Lewisville, Texas, listening on KWRD. Welcome to New Life LIVE. You're on with Dr. Jill Hubbard and JJ West.

Lynn: Hi. I'm calling today because I have a 16-year-old son who is in a relationship with a girl, and he has dated her for a while now. I have come to uncover that she has a type of personality disorder, particularly borderline, I believe. I've seen a lot of manipulation and just the things that go with that territory. I'm just calling to see what advice do you have in helping me guide him in a healthy relationship with someone that struggles with that.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Lynn, is this you diagnosing her, or what leads you to believe that?

Lynn: I was told it was brought up to them, but they are not 100% sure and there's not been treatment to it. But it was told to me by my son that that was a possibility.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: She's highly emotional, keeps him guessing, manipulative, those types of things?

Lynn: Yes. I did a lot of research in trying to understand what that even was, and I do see the parallel.

JJ West: Has there been any self-harm or threats, things of that nature?

Lynn: Yes, there is that as well. That's what raised me to ask the questions to start asking what is this about. early on, and that is what I was told that that's something that's been a struggle in the past.

As they've continued to grow, I see the confirmation of those things are probably there and I see the struggles that go along with it. My concern is now reaching to the level of, do I continue to support this or do I pull the plug? Because you get online and start delving into some things; people have very negative opinions of it and say get out of a situation. I don't know which way to go in supporting my son.

JJ West: Let's start with, have you shared your concerns with your son?

Lynn: Yes, I have a very good relationship. He hears my concern, but I believe he truly does love this person and he is very patient and loving and feels like he can help her. It also takes a toll on him is what I'm seeing. I worry for his future when you pour into something so much; it kind of can set back the person in many ways, and that's my growing concern which I have voiced. But at this point, he feels very strong that this is someone for him, and I'm not sure how to support that in a healthy way. I haven't shown judgment; I always try to just be a voice that he hopefully listens to, but my concern is still growing.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Is there room for him, like, does he feel like he has to defend her now, or is there room like can he reflect on what's hard for him?

Lynn: I do believe that he's self-aware enough to see that it is hard. There are aspects that are hard on him. I just don't believe he's willing to give up and he wants to work for it is what I'm understanding when I do talk with him. It feels like he's in there for the long haul, even though little talks I have of trying to give truth of the big picture of what would this look like five years down the road. It doesn't sway him. He feels like this could work and this is what he wants.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Almost like it's his calling to save her.

Lynn: Exactly. I've done a lot of research, probably a little too much, and now I almost worry there could be a trauma bond happening where he can't feel the need to get out because there's been such highs and lows. I'm just very conflicted as a parent. He is a minor; could I take him out of this situation? Would that hurt him and my relationship? I'm just not sure and I'd love to have any tips of what you guys think.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Everybody has one bad relationship, it seems, in life where you're naive, idealistic; he has a little bit of wanting to be the hero, he's going to rescue her. This is what often God uses for us to learn from. But as a parent, it's really painful. It's like we want our kids to avoid all the pitfalls and kind of do this straight line to success as a person. Unfortunately, we know God uses difficulties to grow us.

I think it's important instead of you... when you said, "Should I pull the plug or not," I don't know that you have that power. I think it would be better for your son to come to that conclusion as long as the damage isn't so devastating on him. But even if his heart is broken, we recover from that and we grow and learn from that. Chances are if you forbid him to see her and so he continues to see her behind your back, it creates even a stronger trauma bond there. So I would be cautious with that.

JJ West: I would say it's important for him to recognize that no matter how good we can be as a boyfriend or girlfriend, we make lousy saviors.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And I'm curious about her family, too. Do her parents come alongside her? Does she have friends, or does she burn all those bridges? It all also raises the question of, "Am I trusting God to be the savior for this person, or do I feel like she needs me?" Like, "I've got it from here, God, I'll take care of this." No, I have a role to play perhaps God's called me to a role in his plan, but it's his plan and he does the saving, not me.

So one of the conversations that you can have with your child if they're in this situation is, "Okay, so tell me about what are you believing about God right now in terms of this person? What do you think God wants for this person? And what role do you think God's calling you to play? Not managing the plan, but a role that he's calling you to play within the plan, but it's God's plan." So always coming back to, "What is my belief about God? Am I trusting God, or am I trusting in my own abilities or resources or plan?"

Brian Perez: Lynn, thank you so much for calling in today to New Life LIVE. Everything we do here at New Life is thanks to your prayers and financial support. People call us during their worst situations in life and they just need someone to talk to, and we are here and it's made possible by you.

Thank you so much for helping us either with a one-time gift or you can become a monthly supporter. That is the '99 for the One' partners. We are so appreciative of whatever you can do to help us continue doing what we do here at New Life. We've been doing it for almost 40 years; we want to do it for 40-plus more. So do what you can at newlife.com or you can call us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text 'NLM' as in New Life Ministries to 28950.

Back to the phones. Here is Suzanne, listening in Los Angeles on the New Life app. Hey Suzanne, how are you? How can we help?

Suzanne: I'm great. Thank you so much for being there for our questions. Your show is like having some really wise friends that when questions pop in your head, you can ask.

My question is, recently my adult daughter was visiting with her 8-year-old son, and I walked into her bathroom and she was getting undressed and her son was right in the room as well. And I said, "Oh, should he be seeing this?" And she said, "Well, I don't know, I'm trying to demystify it." And she said, "But I don't know, I'd be curious," and she was agreeable to me calling New Life LIVE to see what they say.

Brian Perez: How old is her son, did you tell us?

Suzanne: Eight.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: I think eight is too old for that. At a young age, you want to start teaching her son to avert his eyes. "Mom needs to change her top real quick, son, turn away, look out the window," and let me change. So you're teaching some modesty.

She's wanting him to be comfortable, but that's when they're very little; they're in your personal space all the time. But at a certain point, it's like, "No, you look away or you leave the room or mom's going in the bathroom, you stay here," and you start to say that no, because otherwise they don't understand the boundaries.

Kids already still, to an old age, will for moms, they're in our personal space all the time. So it's really good to reinforce this. I know like with my son, getting him to avert his eyes, and then that transferred to the TV: "Oh, look away from this commercial; I don't think it's the best for you," because we don't want to subject ourselves to looking at people in terms of what should be private, and we want to respect women.

JJ West: I would agree with Jill. I do think it's probably too old. Now, there's different cultures have different perspectives on this, and I recognize that. But he certainly is at he's beyond the age where he has what's called explicit memory. So he's going to have concrete memories of his mom being undressed in front of him, and that could be challenging later in life.

Now, what I love about what she's trying to do is she's trying to communicate, "Our bodies are not shameful, other people's bodies are not shameful, and seeing people, seeing people's bodies, shouldn't automatically be this, 'ooh, that's bad, that's shameful, that's taboo'."

But what Jill was talking about and I think is so important is we still have boundaries for what's appropriate and what's healthy for us. It's important that a young child doesn't automatically know what is safe touch and what's not safe touch, where is it appropriate for me to be undressed versus not undressed, who are the safe people in my world?

So we want to have conversations around that, but we also want to have conversations around, just like what Jill was saying, "There are some things that are not helpful for me to watch. There are some things that are not healthy for me to see, and so I choose not to. I choose to look away instead. I choose to avert my eyes." Or for your daughter to say, "Hey, it's important that I have a boundary of I go change in the bathroom or in my bedroom, not in front of you, in the same way that I'm sure you don't change in front of your 8-year-old grandson because you have that boundary, and it teaches him there are places where it's appropriate to be clothed and places where it's not appropriate to be unclothed."

Brian Perez: What I found interesting was that Suzanne says when she told her daughter, "Are you okay with this?", the daughter was like, "I don't know, is it wrong?" Like there wasn't even that thought.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, and that she was kind of emphasizing something that she wanted, like JJ was saying, and not looking at the other side of it.

Brian Perez: Suzanne, thanks for calling in to New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000 is our number for the next hour or so that we're going to be here answering your calls.

Here's another question that was submitted online via email at newlife.com/radio. It's from Ernie in Arizona who asks: "How do I resolve a disagreement with my brother-in-law after I put up boundaries? I agreed to help my brother-in-law rehab from ankle surgery. He lives a hundred miles away, and I told him up front that I get hot easily and that his spare room would need to be cool.

He insisted I turn off the overhead fan if I was not in the room. This costs pennies a day to run, by the way. Thus, it takes longer to cool off. He had a debate about it, and I ended up leaving on Day 1 because I felt that my comfort was not a priority. He has visited us once since this, and neither one of us wants to apologize first. So we are cordial but not too friendly. So what do you guys say to Ernie?"

JJ West: That's the thing with boundaries; I say it all the time on the radio, but when I set a boundary, it's for me and it might mean that there's a consequence that follows that boundary. I always use the same illustration: Jesus confronting the rich young ruler and he tells him, "Okay, so the one thing you lack, go and sell all you have and come and follow me." And the rich young ruler walked away sad because he had great wealth. Jesus didn't chase after him and go, "How about half?" He didn't renegotiate; he let the boundary there.

And the boundary was, "Go and sell all that you have," and the rich young ruler was like, "I don't want to do that," and so he walks away. So in this case, Ernie says, "Listen, my boundary is I need to be comfortable. I get hot very easily; I need to be comfortable if I'm going to come help you with rehab." Brother-in-law's like, "Nah, I'm not willing to do that, or we're turning the fan off." Okay, well then I can't come.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And it sounds like he wanted the fan off when he wasn't in the room. Right, so that's okay, that's a slight technicality. Lots of people do that because, okay, you need it when you're in the room, you don't need it when you're not in the room. But that's kind of hair-splitting, I guess, a bit.

JJ West: I'm guessing it's just to keep the room cool so that when he comes back into it, it's already cool as opposed to, "Ah, it's 100 degrees."

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, and is it when I leave the house versus I'm just walking to the bathroom and back? That can get a little tedious.

JJ West: Here's the bottom line. I don't think Ernie and his brother-in-law are ever going to agree on that piece of the puzzle. I don't think either one of them is going to go, "Oh, you know what, you're right, I should have turned the fan off," or "You know what, you're right, it's not that expensive, I should have just let you leave the fan on." I don't think they're going to agree on that.

But what's interesting is he asks the question at the end: "Neither of us are willing to apologize first, so we're cordial with each other but we're not friendly, we're not reconciled with one another." And that's really interesting because, Ernie, you're recognizing okay, there is this wedge between us.

Let me ask you, what is it about asking for forgiveness that's got you stuck? I wish you were on the call to answer that question, but I want you to be wrestling with: Why am I saying I'm not willing to admit any fault, I'm not willing to ask for forgiveness? Because it does seem to fly in the face of the way that Jesus taught us to relate to one another. All through scripture, we're commanded to forgive, over and over, and in fact there are some pretty steep consequences if I refuse to forgive, as in God not forgiving me. So I want to be someone who forgives.

And it says over and over that if I have something against me, if I've created an offense and I go to bring my offering to the Lord, Jesus said, "Look, leave your offering there and go and be reconciled to your brother before you come and make your offering. Before you come into right relationship with me, I want you to go and make that offense right."

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And that's the part, making the offense right. My hunch is that Ernie doesn't feel like he did anything wrong, so what does he have to apologize for? But I think going to his brother-in-law and saying, "Hey, brother-in-law, we've got this thing between us that's the elephant in the room now. Can we talk about it?"

And to say, "I had offered to come help you, and that really was the intention of my heart, and I had told you what I needed, and it felt like saving a few dollars or the perception of saving money was more important than my being there to help you." And the sorry part would be, "I'm sorry it got heated and that it broke relationship." No pun intended!

So to kind of own the part that he can own. He doesn't have to say he was wrong in putting that boundary there, but also highlighting how it felt to him and to give his brother-in-law an opportunity to also share, "What was that like for you? How did that feel?" Brother-in-law may have this really irrational view of saving money, penny-wise, pound-foolish. He may be very miserly or fearing that he's going to run out, or he's just super controlling. But for Ernie's part, taking care of his side of things I think is to have a discussion. Sometimes not having that discussion can become either a fear or a pride issue.

Brian Perez: That's hard when you tell someone you're going to do them a favor, or someone obviously needs help and you tell them, "Hey, I can help you, but can you help me with this? I just need to have this room where things are nice and cool for me," and the person just says, "No." So Ernie winds up leaving and isn't able to help his brother-in-law go through the rehab. It would have been nice instead of him having to leave if they had taken a little timeout and then come back and he could have shared then instead of it escalating to that point.

JJ West: Ultimately, it's about, "Am I willing to listen, really listen to your perspective? Not just waiting my turn to tell you why you're wrong and why I'm right, but really listen to what you're sharing." That's why scripture says be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. When I'm quick to listen, I'm paying attention and I'm asking follow-up questions that help me understand your perspective to the point that I could share back with you what your perspective is and you would say, "Yes, you got it, that's what I meant."

Brian Perez: Ernie, thanks so much for writing in with your question. And if you were listening or watching today and you said, "Man, why didn't they talk about this? I really wish they had talked about this particular issue I'm going through," well, we don't know what you're going through, so please call us. We're going to be here for another hour at 1-800-229-3000. Talk to you next time on New Life LIVE.

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