New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life Live Podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: You're just in time for another episode of New Life Live. I'm your host, Brian Perez. My friends call me BP, or when they need a ride to the airport. We can't wait to get to your phone calls. In fact, Carla, you'll be up first when we come back from our opening segment here. We've got JJ West and Becky Brown here for the second time this week. Actually, it's JJ's third time this week.

And we just want to thank you all for watching and listening and sharing about us with your loved ones for supporting us both prayerfully and financially. JJ is a licensed marriage and family therapist, while Becky is a licensed professional clinical counselor and the president of New Life Ministries. And JJ, what words of wisdom do you want to start us off with today?

JJ West: Well, I was just thinking your friends call you BP and my friends call me JJ. So I'm wondering what do Becky's friends call her? BB! There we go. All right. BB, BP, and JJ. So what's on my mind today is connections. So when I have to join the radio team from my office, I have to bring my entire connection kit. I have to have my boom mic and my headphones. I've got to have my laptop. I've got to have my tablet. I've got to have all these things in order to connect to the live stream of the radio show.

And then there's things I don't have control over that possibly get in the way of good connection. I don't have control over the lighting. I don't have control over whether Wi-Fi will work properly. I don't have control over the sound as well as I would like to have control over it, right? There's things that get in the way. And this is the same in our relationships.

There are things that we can't control. There are circumstances and situations that come at us from out of the blue that we didn't expect and we didn't know and we didn't prepare for and they kind of throw us for a loop. But there's also stuff that we are in control of. And there's things that we need to bring to the table, much like I have to bring my bag full of all my connecting equipment in order to participate in this endeavor.

In your relationships, there are things that you need to bring to the table, things in your bag relationally that you need to bring to the table in order to have the possibility of connecting. Now, it's possible, like I said, some things could get in the way of that connection. But as much as it is up to you, scripture says, live at peace with all people. And so what is it that you need to bring to the table? What's the microphone and the headset and the laptop? What are the things that you need to bring?

So I would say some of those things are being present. That I am locked in and I'm paying attention to what the other person is saying. That I bring honesty, that I'm sharing truth, I'm not covering things up. That I bring love and compassion. Am I choosing to think about things from the other person's perspective or am I demanding that they only see things from my perspective?

These are some of the things that we bring to the table relationally so that we can connect, and those are the things that we're in control of. And we have to work on those things. We have to let go of the stuff that we don't have control of, much like I have to let go of the stuff that I can't control in terms of having a good connection with the radio team.

Brian Perez: Those are some good words, JJ, and it is so true. We just had Christmas two weeks ago, and everybody loved it when we came to their home and brought presents, the shiny boxes with the ribbon and all that. But no, bring your presence, P-R-E-S-E-N-C-E, right? I think I was spelling that out in my head, so I think I got it right.

But yeah, bring your presence, be there, be present with the people that you love, with your family, your kids, your spouse, because it is oh so important. And leave that other baggage somewhere else. You don't need to bring that with you. And we can help you today to do that and a whole lot more. And we would love to talk with you. We've got Carla coming up and Don, and we want to speak to as many people as we can this hour of New Life Live. If you've just joined us, I'm Brian Perez here with Becky Brown and JJ West. It's BP, JJ, and BB coming up today on NLL.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: Your kindhearted generosity opens the door to biblical truth, compassionate guidance, and practical support for those facing broken relationships, emotional pain, and spiritual confusion. When you make a gift of any size to New Life Ministries, I should say, you're joining in what God is doing through this ministry. You can give online at newlife.com or you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or you can text NLM to 28950. Huh, Becky Brown?

Becky Brown: Yes, I just told Brian at the break earlier that so many people want to save the animals. And I want to save the animals too, but I want to save the humans. And New Life has been helping people for close to 40 years, and we help you with your relationships, with your mental health challenges. We get you connected to resources all over the place.

And I just saw one of those commercials that are heartbreaking. Our hearts break when we see those animals struggling, but my heart breaks when I hear the callers who are struggling in relationships and we hear their voice break because of the sadness of just trying everything and can't find the resources. We want to continue to help people for years to come. You can be part of that, and I want to invite you and say thank you in advance for being part of what God is doing through New Life.

Brian Perez: That's right. You can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE to make a donation or text NLM as in New Life Ministries to 28950 or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. And let's go to the phones now. Here is Carla, who listens to us on KKLA in Los Angeles. Welcome to New Life Live, Carla.

Carla: Thank you.

Brian Perez: How can we help you today?

Carla: My question is really trying to see how I can help my husband and my son. Right now, there's a lot of friction at home, and it has to do a lot with my husband feeling that my son is not in control of his spending. And even though my son is 28 years old, he still feels like he needs to come alongside and really help him because he's also feeling like he's not handling it well and so he needs to take over, if possible, if he continues in this trend of spending.

Which of course, I don't agree because I think that even though we do want to look out for our children and take care of them, they have to finally make a decision. He is an adult, and his goal and only reason why he's still at home is because the condition was that he would stay and save money and then move out when he's 30.

Brian Perez: Okay, and he's 28 right now?

Carla: He is 28. I'm sorry. Okay.

Becky Brown: So, Carla, what have you and your husband said? This is a conversation between the two of you, and then bring your son in. But it sounds like your husband is aligning with your son. Am I right?

Carla: Right. So he just comes in and makes a comment be like, "No, this is way too much, you need to talk to him." And I said, "Okay, I will." and I have, and he says, "Mom, I'm saving money, I'm just going to put it in another account because Dad keeps trying to go into my account and see what I'm doing with my money and so that's what I'm doing."

Becky Brown: All right. Well, here's the first problem, Carla. We're talking about a 28-year-old man. This isn't a child. And even if he's living with you and you guys have an arrangement, there comes a time where we have to respect each other as adults. And the conflict that you're having is because in one way, you're wanting to help him, but you aren't parenting anymore.

This isn't a parenting thing. This is more of a—you are probably more like a landlord and a mentor or somebody along that line. And what your son does with his money, if you guys have an—is he paying you room and board or anything like that?

Carla: Yes, he just upped him to give us more money, so my son agreed.

JJ West: Okay. You're saying your husband was the one that wanted the increase in the room and board?

Carla: Right.

JJ West: Okay. Were you guys on the same page, you and your husband?

Carla: Well, I agreed because I knew that he was so upset already, and I agreed that he should have been paying more. But that became a long story. He got a car and then he made payments and my husband decided not to charge him anymore, which I told him I thought that was a mistake on your part. You should have always left him paying some kind of money. So now that he saw that he was spending, he decided, "Okay, well now I'm going to charge him this X amount," which was higher than the original.

Brian Perez: Because he thinks that he's spending it on frivolous things?

Carla: Correct. I mean, he suspected that it could have been anything from drugs, women, massage parlors.

Becky Brown: And Carla, here's the thing. All of that can be true. All of that can be true. But just like I said before, if you're the landlord and he's paying his rent, what he does outside of that is really not for you to say unless you say ahead of time, this is what we want. Like, we don't want you out after 11:00. I mean, all the things that you can say if you're making an agreement.

But what's happening is the confusion, and you and your husband are changing your minds and you're acting independently of each other and it's confusing. But what I want for you to think about is there's not a magic thing that's going to happen when he's 30 that he's going to automatically be something different than what he is right now. It just doesn't work that way. But what you can do is if you and your husband can get in alignment, not in reactivity towards whatever he's spending or what he buys or what you think he might be doing.

But this is how much money, and if you raise it to the amount where you don't really care what he's spending his other money on but he's paying the money each month to you, he's probably going to go get his own place. He's going to make that decision because he doesn't want your input. And you want to protect the relationship, and you're not doing that by reacting to everything, and he's 28, you got to remember that.

JJ West: Yeah, agree wholeheartedly. There's a point where we have to transition out of active parenting into more of that older peer mentoring relationship that we have with our adult children because they have to make decisions and then live with the consequences of those decisions. And so he may have to live with the consequence that if he is overspending in some area, he has to live with the consequence that it's going to take me longer to afford a place on my own because I'm not saving as much.

But that's a decision that an adult makes and then lives with those decisions. It's not a decision that mommy and daddy come in and rescue me from. I have to learn from those mistakes by living with the consequence of a bad choice so I make a better choice in the future. So I agree with Becky. You and your husband need to be on the same page, set out very clear parameters with your son so he knows what to expect, and then not change it. There's got to be some consistency here in terms of what we're saying to him, "Here are the expectations."

My guess would be, based on how he's reacting to Dad going into his bank account and checking on how he's spending, my guess is he's looking forward to being out on his own. He's looking forward to taking that next step. And so it's not like you're having to convince him to leave. He wants to leave. He wants to be out on his own. And so maybe just having a conversation with him around what does he see as the timetable? Because like Becky said, it's not going to magically just appear at 30. There's got to be steps that have to be taken to get to that financially free place to be able to make that move.

Becky Brown: And Carla, JJ just touched on something though that is very important is as you and your husband discuss this, you want to create a reality that is achievable outside of your home. And so many parents make this mistake. "We're only going to charge you $100 to stay here," but hey, guess what? When you get out of this, it's going to cost you three times, four times, probably 10 times as much to rent a place, to feed yourself, to put gas in your car, all of those things.

So you want to have a reality—and I know we have suggested this before—you can collect that money and if you want to gift it back at some point in the future, you could, and get them started out on wherever the next chapter is. But we want to create reality for them because that's creating muscle, it's creating strength, it's creating fortitude that they can go out into their life making good choices, launching them strong.

JJ West: That's right. Muscle only grows through resistance. Muscle cannot grow any other way. It has to face resistance. And so for our children to grow into adulthood, to flex those muscles, they have to meet some resistance, some pushback. And that's life. Things cost more than they should, and life is hard, and jobs are hard, and relationships are hard, and I learn to step into those roles as I face that resistance.

Brian Perez: Carla, Doing Life with Your Adult Children would be a great book for you to get from the newlife.com store. Thanks for calling in today to the program. It was great talking to you. Now we're going to go to Don in Evansville, Indiana, who's listening to us on Pure Radio. Hey there, Don. Thanks for calling in today.

Don: Hi. I hope you guys are doing well. We are. Thank you. I am calling because I'm having some real issues and it's causing a lot of anxiety and depression and stuff. My husband is 70, and so nevertheless, he's retired and he will be on his phone playing games and stuff or watching movies or videos on TV from like 9:00 a.m. until like 2:00 in the morning. And I'm trying to convince him that he is depressed because he has not even done any adulting tasks like pick up the trash or any of that kind of stuff for over like two months.

And he gets mad if I ask him to do anything because then he's like, "Well, why can't you do it?" kind of thing. And I'm like, "Wait a minute." So obviously we don't have kids or anything, not to have that difficult conversation with him because I have a lot of chronic health issues and I do stuff even in pain and that kind of thing, and I'm not asking for sympathy. But can you give me some advice?

JJ West: When did this start, Don?

Don: He's always had that addictive personality for video games and TV. But it's just gotten worse. I would say over the last like three, four months.

Brian Perez: Becky, what would you say? Is that the time that he was retired?

Don: No.

JJ West: When did he retire?

Don: He retired like five years, six years ago.

JJ West: Okay. So up until four or five months ago, he was still active, even though he was retired. He was still actively participating in the home, taking care of stuff, participating in life. It was only in these last three or four months that he's seemingly checked out?

Don: I would say it's been longer than that as far as being checked out. And even before, if I asked him to take out the trash, he would, or ask him to do things. But now with him, he'll roll his eyes and get mad and that kind of thing. So I mean, it's been longer. But he has a very melancholy, phlegmatic type of a personality and he doesn't like conflict or anything, so it's really hard to bring up things like this without him throwing it back at me or whatever.

Becky Brown: How long have you been married, Don?

Don: For 12 years.

Becky Brown: Okay, and you all don't have children?

Don: No.

Becky Brown: Is this your first marriage for both of you?

Don: No, this is second.

Becky Brown: Okay. And no children from previous marriages?

Don: They're all gone out of the house.

Becky Brown: Well, I figured that, but I'm thinking of what are your connections. You're right, Don. It's funny because we read your question right before you got on the air, and I said he's depressed. So you already know that. And you're describing somebody who—it's also a diagnosis called dysthymia, where it's just this low-level, low-grade depression that lasts for a long, long time.

And it can be—it can be impacted by—for a 70-year-old man, it could be hormonal changes. It could be health changes. Is he overweight? Yes, it's all of those things. But here's the problem, Don. You know that you're not going to fix him. So there has to be a shift in the relationship so that you're not carrying the burden, but also if he does have a screen addiction—and he very well could—what is the way forward for you to connect?

Whether it's with your children, extended friends. And we can talk more about this after the break, but it's a big weight to watch your spouse just languish in their life. And it can be whether it's the screen addiction or whether depression has set in because life has just lost its luster and he hasn't connected with people. But I think we can give you some pointers on the other side of the break.

Brian Perez: You think we can? I know we can. That's right. Don, stay on the phone. Charlie, we want to talk to you as well and everyone else who calls in to New Life Live. I'm Brian Perez with JJ West and Becky Brown, and we're going to continue our conversation with Don. And thank you so much for watching and listening today to New Life Live.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: And back to Don. You still with us, Don? Mm-hmm. I am. Okay, great. Thank you so much for holding through the break. So what would you guys offer to Don, Becky?

Becky Brown: Well, Don, here's what may seem weird because it's not about your husband. I want you to get the help that you need to feel good. So the pain that you're carrying, the chronic pain, and just the way that you feel supported will, believe it or not, it will help you in how you encourage your husband or interact with your husband. But he's stuck, but it doesn't mean he's going to be stuck forever.

But I just know that you have to have the support that you need. So it may look like once a month you have the kids on both sides, whoever's kids, they live wherever, come on over, bring something, we'll play games, we'll engage with each other. And if you're not part of a church, maybe you start going to church and inviting him to go with you. Just these little disruptions in the routine.

He's afraid to even think about what his life is like right now, and that's where those addictions to screens come into play. And just like what Dr. Alice Benton writes in her book, it's about Understanding and Loving Your Child in a Screen-Saturated World, but I would recommend that to anybody who's alive because even just understanding the research that she's found about the power of screens can give you some insight on what is happening to your husband's brain.

Don: What's the name of the book?

Becky Brown: Understanding and Loving Your Child in a Screen-Saturated World.

Don: Okay.

JJ West: Yeah, great resource. And then I would just add to this, Don, it's going to be important to not come into the conversations with your husband with both guns blazing. I think about there was a sitcom back in the early '90s where one of the main characters—there's a group of friends, and so one of the main characters, he goes to one guy and he's working on making potpourri with his roommate, and then he goes to the other guy friend and he's putting on makeup and he's like, "Where are all the men?"

And I feel like there's a sense in which you can kind of come in, and it's interesting because a lot of the calls that we've had today have to do with this lack of men standing up, stepping into what God's called them to be. But I don't want you to attack your husband with just a barrage of complaints. "Here's how you're disappointing me. You're not helping enough around the house, and you're spending too much time on a screen, and you're not doing this, and you're doing that."

But instead, to sit down with him, knee cap to knee cap, eyeball to eyeball, and to say, "Honey, I need you to know I love you and I want good for you, and I want good for us, and I'm worried about you. I'm worried about how your life seems to be getting smaller since your retirement, and that there's this—it feels like I'm losing more and more of you and I don't like that. I want us to have a rich life. I want you to have a rich life on your own, but I also want us as a couple to have a rich life together."

"And I want us to work on what that looks like. I don't want it to be me just coming to you with a list of complaints. I want us to work on how do we make our life better and more in line with when Jesus said, 'I've come to give you life and to have it more abundantly.' Do you feel like we are living an abundant life right now?" Sometimes when we approach from that perspective, it opens the door to conversation rather than coming in with a list of complaints that say, "Here's how I want you to change."

Brian Perez: And not just complaints, but I would say even, "You know what? I'm not going to take out the trash anymore. You're going to take out the trash," because that would—did you? Okay, and I guess it didn't work. That's why you called us today, right?

Don: No.

JJ West: Yeah, but that's what JJ's saying though, Don. Don't go in there with the tasks, right? It's connection first, and that's really going to be powerful.

Don: Okay. Well, I know a lot of women struggle with not having a partnership for the house. And that can be difficult, especially if you've got kids and everything. You're supposed to be a team.

Becky Brown: No, that's what I was going to say, JJ. Here's the thing, Don. If I sat with you, Don, I would be asking, "How did you get together? What was the thing that connected you in those early days?" This isn't a first marriage where you were like 15 and starry-eyed. This was an adult decision. There were things that attracted you to each other that have disappeared in some way.

And a lot of times—and we talk about this in Intimacy in Marriage, don't we, JJ?—we don't realize how our marriages impact us and can impact us in a positive way. That healing occurs in relationship. And so what JJ's suggesting to you, Don, it's not going to be you just figuring this out on your own. This is where you have good connections with people who can give you insight. I would actually encourage you maybe to join one of our courses, either Healing is a Choice or Take Your Life Back.

Because I think it can give you some insight into what do you need in order to connect with him.

Brian Perez: Don, those courses begin at the end of this month. You can find out more about them at newlife.com or you can call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. There's three courses all together that we're offering this time for 12 weeks, once a week, an hour a week. Healing is a Choice, Take Your Life Back, and Lose it for Life. That's the name of the other one. You can find out details and information and register at newlife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

Those would definitely be beneficial to you. This is New Life Live. I'm Brian Perez here with Becky Brown and JJ West, and we're going to take a quick break and then we'll come back to the phones. We've got Charlie and Carter standing by, so don't hang up. We'll get to you in just a moment here on New Life Live. God bless you guys. Thanks so much for watching and listening today to New Life Live.

Voiceover: Today's podcast is brought to you by Club New Life supporters who give a monthly donation because they want to continue to offer help and hope in these very, very difficult places. To find out more about Club New Life, you can go to our website newlife.com or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE.

Now, if you're new to us, we drop an episode every weekday. We would love it if you would rate or write a review, which helps more people discover help and hope and helps us share wisdom with as many people as possible. Now let's listen to our counselors as they help people walk through life's hardest places.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: Where we've got Becky Brown and JJ West on the show today. And JJ will be visiting Southern California next week for the Every Man's Battle intensive and then he's coming back next month as co-leader of the Intimacy in Marriage workshop. And I take it back. It's not next week, it's the week after that he's coming in for Every Man's Battle.

And I think JJ comes out to Southern California because he just can't get enough of those In-N-Out Double-Doubles. That's why he keeps coming out here. But recent studies suggest that approximately 20 to 25% of Christian marriages end in divorce. People get married, especially Christians, thinking they would never be part of that statistic, but sadly too many are. That's why getting help for your marriage, even a marriage you think is pretty good, is vital. Right, JJ?

JJ West: It's vital. That's the perfect word. It's vital because if we don't tend to our marriage, it is going to fall apart. Marriages are a living thing. They have to be tended to like a garden. And if you leave your garden alone, you just don't—you're not trying to destroy it. You're not stomping on the plants. You just ignore it for a while. Guess what happens? It gets overgrown with weeds and suddenly it's not a garden anymore, it's a mess. And that's what happens in our marriages.

So yeah, we need to tend to them. And coming to the Intimacy in Marriage intensive is a perfect way to tend to your relationship. Whether you're married, engaged, about to be engaged, it's a great place for you to work on your relationship.

Brian Perez: Yeah. And Don, if you're still listening, this would be great for you and your husband. When you and your spouse come to Intimacy in Marriage, you'll learn to deepen your spiritual, emotional, and physical intimacy. It's a weekend packed with seven teaching sessions, five small process group sessions facilitated by a credentialed New Life Network counselor, and one 30-minute private session with your group facilitator.

You can get all the details at newlife.com and register now to receive a discount. That's right. The early bird gets the workshop discounted rate. So take advantage of that. 1-800-NEW-LIFE or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE or go to newlife.com. Here is Charlie in Oklahoma City listening on Sirius XM Channel 131. Hey there, Charlie. Welcome.

Charlie: Hi, how are you?

Brian Perez: Doing well. Thanks for calling in today. What's going on?

Charlie: I was talking to the lady before about—I seem to have had like an issue in my life and it's kind of like it's got to do with boundaries and kind of fear of rejection. So it's kind of like there's times in my life I found it hard to establish or to keep boundaries with, let's say women, basically. And a lot of times I think I'm just being nice when really I'm kind of not establishing or not maintaining boundaries the way I need to, especially if I've been in relationships and stuff.

And I just think I'm being nice and they think I'm kind of—it's been said that I've led people on or I've led people to believe that I am more interested in them than what I would—than women to believe I'm more interested in them than what I am. And I'm just kind of tossing that out there seeing if y'all have ever heard of anything to do with that.

And I think a lot of my life it has involved kind of—it's kind of revolved around fear of rejection a lot that I've had to deal with, you know, I've been trying to deal with more so because I think that hindered me a lot and it put me in a lot of bad situations. So kind of just tossing that out there.

Brian Perez: Okay, Charlie. Did you say you're married? How long have you been married?

Charlie: I'm not married. I was recently divorced.

Brian Perez: Got it. Recently divorced. Okay.

Becky Brown: Is that the reason, Charlie, was that the reason for the divorce, that your ex-wife thought you were a little bit too friendly? Didn't have boundaries?

Charlie: She did at times. Yes, there was that did come up during the marriage. And I don't think that—I mean, I think that was—that could have been a contributing factor slightly. But later what happened was she—she attained a—we helped her to attain a higher degree and she made crazy money and I think it went to her head to be honest because then she just did away with me.

And we were working apart. We weren't together. I was working somewhere else, and so was she all the time. And it kind of—she went the other way. Basically, she found men, quite a couple—you know, quite a few of them—and just had relationships with them and I didn't—she didn't tell me, I had to find out on my own. And she still didn't want to divorce me. It's almost like she wanted to have the marriage, basically. And I said, "No."

Becky Brown: Well, and Charlie, that's what JJ was just talking about, that the marriage doesn't get tended to. You both were focused on the work that you had in front of you. I just will say about your question as far as not having boundaries or maybe being too friendly, I think there's some confusion about—and I don't know how long have you been divorced?

Charlie: Probably about almost two and a half years, almost three years.

Becky Brown: Okay. And how long were you married?

Charlie: About eight years.

Becky Brown: Okay. And so what's happening now, Charlie, is you're finding out who you really are and you don't really know what you want in a relationship. And so it could be that when you get close to somebody, then you back off because of the hurt that you just experienced. But if this was happening even within the marriage, you're looking for connection, you just aren't sure how to do that. That's my two cents, but JJ, what would you offer to Charlie?

JJ West: Yeah, so Charlie, first of all, I'm so sorry that your marriage ended the way that it did. I mean, it's incredibly painful to experience that level of betrayal, and of course it does impact the way we approach future relationships. We can become really gun-shy. And especially if we were already dealing with maybe a lifelong pattern of fearing rejection, now that's just amplified by the experience of being betrayed in marriage and having that marriage end.

I do think it's important that we're asking feedback from others because all of us have blind spots. None of us are able to see ourselves completely clearly on our own. It's very much like you can go into a store and buy an outfit and you're looking at yourself in the mirror, but you're only looking at the front of you. You can't see the sides and the back. Even if you've got those mirrors that have a couple more panels, it gives you a little bit better perspective, but it doesn't give you a 360-degree perspective on yourself.

And sometimes you need other people to give you information about what's going on that you can't see. So if you've still got a tag on the back of your pants, you want someone to point that out before you walk out the door and walk around all day with a big tag on the back of your pants, right? And so it's important that you're asking people in your life, good friends, people who know you well.

"Hey, I've been getting this feedback from women that I come across as overly friendly and that my intentions may be more romantic than I'm intending them to be. Do you see that happening in my life? Or can you pay attention to that with me to help me see if in fact this is happening? Because I'm not aware that I'm doing this. I don't want to lead people on, and so I want to behave in a way that communicates clearly to others what my intention is to them."

Get that feedback from others. That's part of the way that God gives us wisdom. He gives us wisdom through His word, He gives us wisdom through prayer, but He gives us wisdom through the counsel of others. That's what scripture says, that there's great wisdom in the counsel of many. So I would encourage you—it's hard for us on, having never met you and on the radio, to discern whether or not that's true of you. But the important people in your life—your friends, your people in your small group, your pastor, people who know you well—they would be a really good resource to go to and say, "Hey, do you see things in my life that I'm maybe leading people on in ways that I don't intend to?"

Brian Perez: Charlie, you also mentioned the fear of rejection.

Charlie: I do, yes. I guess I've kind of—you know, when we all—I think a lot of us, most people, try to do like, "What's wrong with me?" You know, and you try to kind of figure yourself out, but most of us aren't good at it, I would say. And that's why there's great show like y'all's and therapists and everything.

I mean, you know, counselor, sometimes you just need to talk it out and, like JJ was saying, get an outside perspective, which is amazing, I think. You know, that's an amazing perspective and that's great and I think that's the biggest help I could probably get. And that was kind of my connection I drew within myself is that—because I connected that. But yeah, I have had a fear of rejection a lot and it's led me down a lot of crazy roads so to speak.

Becky Brown: Well, I want to take a risk here, Charlie. Do you have any relationship with pornography at all, or has that been part of your past?

Charlie: No. I've abstained from it in my life. I don't do that. Never have gotten into it. I just kind of—you know, I just avoided it.

Becky Brown: Great! Well, I just wanted to check because sometimes that can keep us from real relationships, right, JJ?

JJ West: Absolutely, yes. It's the fantasy instead of reality. Absolutely, yeah.

Brian Perez: All right, Charlie. Thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. We're going to take a quick break, and then Carter, you will be up next here on New Life Live from Fort Hood, Texas.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: And let's go to Fort Hood, Texas and talk to Carter, who is listening on newlife.com. Hi there, Carter. Welcome to the show.

Carter: Hello. Good afternoon.

Brian Perez: How are you? What prompted you to call us today?

Carter: Oh, well what prompted was a prayer last night that said, "If you tell me to call, I will." I was listening to a religious program and I got a text this afternoon that says, "Between 1:00 and 3:00, are you anxious or in need of help?" And I was like, "Okay, got it. Understood. I'm calling." I love how God works. Check!

Yeah. Also, if you ever need In-N-Out, I heard y'all talking about it. Come to Central Texas. You'll find a few locations here in toward San Antonio and Austin. A lot of great stuff from California comes here. I've noticed throughout the past years. But I'm definitely calling because I'm a man who has been dealing with lust most of my life. And that's what I'm dealing with. Unlike Mr. Charlie who you were speaking to, pornography is definitely what is tearing my family apart.

Brian Perez: Your family. Tell us about your family.

Carter: A wife of 11 years, a daughter 8 years old, and just by the grace of God, I'm still with her and don't have the term "ex-wife" from my lips yet. And we've already gone through some hard times, but it's still the biggest struggle.

2025 is the year I quit alcohol, February 16, 2025. And that was thanks to my wife too. And she said, "What good does it do for you?" I said, "Nothing. I can't think of anything." So I promised her right there and I haven't drank alcohol since. So that was easy.

This is not easy. That was probably the easiest thing ever in comparison. So that's where I'm just wanting to know—because as I look at my life, I'm like, my goodness, the secondary and tertiary effects of this and what it does. The amount of time—it's just grotesque when you think about it.

JJ West: Yeah. I mean, and we feel that way. And yet, that pin in our stomach, that sick feeling isn't enough to keep us away long-term from that addiction. And you're absolutely right. It is much harder to get rid of an addiction to porn or some sexual sin than most of the other addictions other than overeating. Food addiction and porn addiction are very similar in this way because of two reasons.

One, it's something that we were made for. We were made to eat. God designed us to eat. And so I have to learn to live in a healthy relationship with food. I can't just eliminate food. I can eliminate alcohol. I don't need to drink. I can survive just fine without alcohol. But I was made to eat, and so I have to have a healthy relationship with food. And I was made for sex. I was designed for sex.

Now, I don't have a need for sex in the same way that I have a need for food, but I was designed for sex. And so what it means is I have to learn to have a healthy relationship with sex, not just eliminate sex from my life because I am a sexual being. So the first thing I would ask is, Carter, have you ever considered going to the Every Man's Battle intensive?

Carter: I have, but being a man who's constantly hard to get away from the work as well as the price, those two things right there, oddly enough, are what make it very difficult. I mean, that's probably with anyone. But yeah, definitely considered it, even if I have to do something, I might see how much it costs to do it online or whatever.

JJ West: The online, yeah, that is an option. So here's—we have scholarships too. I was just about to say. Yeah, you want to ask because we do have scholarships available because we don't ever want to let cost be the deciding factor of someone not coming, okay? So stay on the line and we can put you in touch with a person to talk about scholarships for the upcoming workshop.

The other thing I want you to consider, Carter, is what's the cost to not attending? You've been focused on the cost of attending and whether or not I can make it work with the budget, whether or not I can take off enough time from work, all of that. But have you really considered the cost of not going? Because right now, you said over the years, this has repeatedly deteriorated your marriage, your relationship with your wife.

And by the way, you maybe aren't aware of the impact yet, but it's also impacting your relationship with your daughter. And it will continue to do so.

Carter: Oh, I know it does. Absolutely. Yep.

JJ West: And so, man, I know there's a cost, but there's a bigger cost in not going and not taking this seriously because it doesn't just go away. We can't just will it away. We can't just go, "Okay, I'm not going to—I'm just not going to lust anymore. I'm just not going to look at porn anymore." We've tried that over and over. We know how ineffective that is.

When you go to the Every Man's Battle intensive, not only are you going to learn some great information—if I do say so myself—you're going to learn some great information. But what you're really going to benefit from is connecting with other men who understand what you're going through. Connecting with other men who are in the similar—we don't all have the same story of what landed us there, but there's similar themes in all of our stories.

And to have a place where I can go and finally be real, finally be open. For most of us, this is not something that we feel comfortable sharing in our small group from church. This isn't something that we feel comfortable sharing with the pastor of the church. But it's something that we need to learn to do. We need to learn to be that open and honest because that's where freedom lies.

Brian Perez: Hey Carter, how do you feel that this is affecting your relationship with your daughter?

Carter: Because imagine any time that any time is spent in sin is time that I wasn't spending with God, is time that I wasn't spending with my daughter, is time that I wasn't spent working out. So there's the secondary and tertiary effects of whatever you give your life to, you're taking away from something else. It's impossible not to. So that's where I see it happening. And God forbid if it would ever end up in divorce because my wife doesn't feel loved, then I'm taking away from my daughter in that fashion.

Becky Brown: Well, the thing I'm thinking too, Carter, is I applaud the fact that you quit using alcohol. But guess what happens? The porn will increase because it's a coping mechanism. And people don't understand that connection. Alcohol is a coping mechanism. These are solutions that we find for the wounds that we carry internally that we don't heal. And we know that healing occurs in relationships.

And so it's—I love that God spoke to you loudly through prayer and then followed up with a text message just to you. And, you know, the reason why I was chuckling when JJ said there was a good presenter is because JJ's the presenter, in case you didn't know that. But I would love for you to take a step in that direction. And if nothing else, Carter, we're going to be in Dallas, we'll be back because we always go to Texas for Every Man's Battle.

If you don't do the one in February that's in California, I would love for you to be in person with the other men that are at Every Man's Battle. And you can start by starting with the Every Man's Battle podcast, season one. Start with episode number one, start listening, and you'll get a taste of what we offer, but don't quit leaning into what God is already showing you. And we can't wait to hear how God's going to work in your life.

Brian Perez: That's right. So the next Every Man's Battle workshop, like Becky said, is in—no, it's in January. I'm sorry. Yeah, Intimacy in Marriage is in February. Every Man's Battle, the weekend of January 23rd in Orange County, California. And we've got another one coming up later on as well. You can go to newlife.com to find that out. But like JJ said, we don't want finances to keep you from the help and healing you need.

So call us today, and Carter, stay on the phone and we'll talk about these need-based scholarships that we have available to our intensives. Well, God bless you guys. Thanks so much for joining us today either on the radio or on a podcast or Facebook or YouTube. We'll be here again tomorrow. Can't wait to talk to you then, especially if you couldn't get through today. Call us tomorrow. For JJ West and Becky Brown, I'm Brian Perez. God bless you guys. Talk to you next time on New Life Live.

Voiceover: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey.

Go to newlife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.