New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Hello, it's Brian Perez with a New Life LIVE weather update. Parts of the US are experiencing the biggest winter storm in five years. If you are affected by this, know that our prayers are with you. One person who is being affected by this was supposed to be on the show today. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Ron Deal, an expert on blended families, will not be joining us today, but our people are working with his people to get him rescheduled. Make sure to follow us on social media to be in the know on all things New Life.

Joining me instead, we've got Clinical Psychologist Dr. Alice Benton and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Becky Brown, who is also the president of New Life Ministries. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. And we're only going to be in the studio for one hour today, so get on the line ASAP. Welcome, ladies, and Becky, take it from here.

Becky Brown: Well, I'm one of those people that was affected by Winter Storm Fern, and we got over 14 inches and we were shoveling. It was just what we do. But what I was thinking about is last week they were talking about this storm for a couple of weeks. Every time you turned on the news, they were like, "Oh no, it's coming. This is how much it's going to be." We waited and waited and waited, and you get to a place where you check the news all the time because you want the updates.

It made me think about how anxious it was making me, and I thought I need to turn that off. Alice, you talk about this all the time about how impactful our screens are and the incoming information all the time. But it's interesting, we have become a culture of certainty. We want to be certain. We want to know. We want to get the latest and the greatest. It's a reality because we think if we're certain, we'll be safer.

Then a lot of times it's confusing because you want it to make sense. You want to understand it and you want to have clarity. A lot of times that certainty or that need for certainty replaces our need and our dependence on God. It's not just a matter of just pray and you're going to be okay, although that's a good saying. I think about a couple of questions: Can I believe it? And must I believe it?

Whether that's the weather report or whether it's your Bible reading—and if you're not reading your Bible every day, let's start today—I think back to a story from Corrie ten Boom and her book, "The Hiding Place." It's such a great classic, but she says, "Don't worry about what you do not understand. Worry about what you do understand in the Bible but do not live by." Like the things that you already know that you should be doing and you're not doing.

Then her sister, in another part of the book—this is the story of the fleas, I won't go into that—but she says the prayer is, "Show us, Lord. Show us how, Lord." So in this day and age when we have experts who tell us what the weather is, we have all kinds of views and all kinds of certain truths that are out there, it can create that anxiety because we really want to know.

What I want to remind you is the good life is experiencing the nearness of God and that you don't have to know it all or to make it make sense because some stuff you're not ever going to make it make sense. There's never going to be a good answer to why. It's a reminder to me and to everybody. Here are a couple of verses for you: Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you." Or Proverbs 3:5 and 6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek God's will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." You can be certain of that.

Dr. Alice Benton: Amen. That verse from Isaiah, God keeps giving that to me recently. You all know I have an anxious heart, and so He's speaking to me, but He's speaking to all of you with anxious hearts. Take it in.

Brian Perez: Indeed, let's talk. 1-800-229-3000. Our friend Mark Cameron was a guest on today's episode of the Every Man's Battle podcast. He discussed how different attachment styles often drive sexual brokenness. You can find this episode of Every Man's Battle on your favorite podcast platform, at newlife.com, on the New Life Ministries YouTube channel, or on the New Life app.

How can we help you today? If you woke up feeling exhausted from saying yes to everyone, call in at 1-800-229-3000. We will help you set boundaries and help you start saying no. Here's Felice. She's a listener in Inglewood on KKLA. Hello, Felice, welcome to New Life LIVE.

Felice: Good morning. Hi, how are you? Doing well. I just want to get some feedback. When you're in a relationship—I've been married for this year will be 26 years, but we had been together for over 30 years, almost 40 years—right now we're in a really bad place. He's already started seeing someone.

During the time that we've been separated—separated for about six years—during that time we were working on the marriage, at least I thought we were working on the marriage, but he had trust issues. During these last six years, there's been a lot of physical, mental, verbal abuse. I'm a kind of person that believes in what the word says about marriage. God did form marriage for a reason and it should not be broken, but I don't know what to do at this point. He says he doesn't want the marriage right now. I don't know what to do. I am seeing a therapist, let me say that.

Dr. Alice Benton: Felice, to hear that there've been all these forms of abuse—I assume he perpetrated that abuse against you, is that correct?

Felice: That's correct.

Dr. Alice Benton: And you love him still. I believe you. As he's separating from you and dating someone else, you still love him and you want to see if you can save the marriage. Are you two still legally married but living apart?

Felice: Yes, we are legally married.

Dr. Alice Benton: And do you have any children together?

Felice: We do, but our children are grown.

Dr. Alice Benton: Felice, would you tell me, did you suffer similar forms of abuse in your home growing up?

Felice: No, I did not.

Dr. Alice Benton: Was this the first person that abused you in these ways, or were there other romantic relationships that were abusive?

Felice: No, this is the only one.

Dr. Alice Benton: I'm worried for you because this man is being unfaithful, he mistreats you, and he was perhaps leading you on to believe you all were working on the marriage while he was at some point building a relationship with another woman. I worry about whether or not there's a self-protective and angry part of you that wants to be protected from a man who mistreats you even though you love him. What do you think, Felice? Can you hear me? I'm trying to get into a more private place. Did you hear Alice's question?

Felice: I'm sorry, can she repeat it again?

Dr. Alice Benton: Yes, I'm concerned of whether or not there's a self-protective part of you that, although you love him, is also angry that he has and continues to mistreat you in all these ways.

Felice: Yes, I've been praying about this a long time. I don't know if I'm angry, I don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Becky Brown: Isn't that the case though, Alice? So many times we're so overwhelmed by what's happening. We've been praying for a long time for something to change and the snowball just keeps going, and it just keeps getting worse. Now the thing that you've been praying for, Felice, isn't happening, and so it's overwhelming. You just said you're not sure if you're angry. We talk about how important it is to be able to identify what is it that's going on with me? What do I need? What do I feel? It can be a difficult thing to sort those things out when it feels like there's a lot of pressure to do something. I have one more question: Is he still in the house with you, Felice?

Felice: Is he what?

Becky Brown: Is he still living with you?

Felice: No.

Becky Brown: Okay. And so then if you had the best thing ever, what would that be with regard to the marriage?

Felice: I'm not sure what you're asking.

Becky Brown: Right, but see, here's the thing, Felice. You've got to get clear on what the problem is and what you think and what you feel about it. I don't know if you're working on that with your therapist, but my question is basically what do you want to have happen?

Felice: What I would like to have happen is I would like for us to work through this and find out what the issue is and work on fixing it, building that trust, building that relationship back again.

Becky Brown: But here's the thing, Felice, he's got another relationship going. That's hard to work on something when he's not 100% in, and it's going to require you to ask if he's not willing to work. That's the hard part about this.

Dr. Alice Benton: Felice, I'm worried that you are working out of a deficit. I'm going to give an example of what I mean. If I had been walking through the desert for days and I had no water, any murky water would do, and I would go ahead and drink that water. But if I were filled up with good clean water, I would walk right past that murky water. I wouldn't consider drinking it with all the germs and contamination in it.

I wonder how much you've been in a relational deficit so that this man who's saying by his actions, "I don't want you, and if I'm with you, I'm actually going to hurt you, and I'll do it again," but you've been so thirsty that murky water's still looking pretty good to you. I understand you're trying to protect the holy covenant of your marriage probably because you love God more than you love the marriage, which is a good thing, that's a right priority. But we want you to get filled up on healthy water so that you can have a right caution about that toxic water. Your husband, he's toxic water and he's not showing any signs that you've shared with us that he wants to get back on the right track, so he's a dangerous man in my opinion at this point. Now that might change. So what can you do to try to save your marriage? There still is a way, but that way is releasing him, doing work on your own part, getting financially stable apart from him, and getting good water. We do that through relationships with other women who are also seeking God and who can understand what you're going through. What do you think, Felice?

Felice: That sounds good. That's what I want to do.

Becky Brown: I hear the sadness too, Felice. It's so hard, isn't it?

Felice: Very hard. It's very hard.

Dr. Alice Benton: And it sounds like turning things upside down to say let go of the marriage to have any chance to save the marriage. But if you're coming after him and being needy for him, I don't think he respects you. His behavior says he doesn't respect you. But sometimes if a man loses that one good woman in his life, then he might start looking around. "Hey, where'd she go? Wait a second." But we've got to get you strong so that your standards of who you let in close to you are high, the right standards.

Brian Perez: I sure wish they could go to the Intimacy in Marriage Intensive. It's coming up in a few weeks, and Felice is in Inglewood, which isn't too far from where the intensive is going to be. It's going to be in Orange County.

Becky Brown: It's okay, Brian, she can do an invitation. Felice, you never know. We've seen people come to our Intimacy in Marriage Intensive that have been under a restraining order. It's one of those situations in her marriage right now, you have to do everything in order to see if there's anything worth moving forward, just like you're talking about, Alice.

Dr. Alice Benton: Becky, I think couples have brought the divorce paperwork with them to our intensive and then tore it up because they found a new path, a new way, new strategies that reset their marriage.

Brian Perez: You can find out more information about Intimacy in Marriage on our website, newlife.com, or by calling 1-800-New-Life. It's the Valentine's Day weekend, February 13th through the 15th, and this Friday is the last day to sign up for a discount. You can still sign up after Friday, of course, but if you want to get the early bird discount, you can sign up by this Friday. David in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, let's go to you now. Thank you for calling in to New Life LIVE at 1-800-229-3000. What's going on?

David: I'm just dealing with grief and depression. My beautiful daughter, who's my firstborn and only daughter, is dead of fentanyl poisoning. I was with her that whole day and we were going to have breakfast in the morning. Still in complete shock.

Brian Perez: How long ago was this, David?

David: Five years ago. I've been sitting in a motorhome by myself. I'm in my mid-70s. Just devastated by this. I can't get a therapist.

Becky Brown: David, let me ask you this. Who do you have around you? Family, friends, church?

David: Only my church and my senior pastor, but he's a busy man. We talked this morning. In fact, my motorhome is here on the church property, right on the battlefield of Gettysburg. It's a battle. I've got a battle between my ears. Every day. I sold my family estate, I'd built five beautiful homes, five of them with fireplaces, and with this snow and cold, I dream about being in front of my poor dog's water bowl here. It's frozen.

Becky Brown: So David, let me ask you this. Grief unresolved just keeps making you sick, it does. We understand the loss of a child is one of the hardest things that anybody will ever go through. The reason why I asked about your church and your pastor, it's very important that—and I'm in the middle of this storm just like you are winter-wise—you're going to need to have some shelter. I think even though the grief is the thing that is breaking your heart, we're five years into it, and that tells me that you're stuck. It seems justified. I had a brother that was killed when I was in college, and I watched my parents navigate that loss. It's hard because it's day after day and you try to make sense. It's kind of like what I just said, you can't make sense out of things like this. The most important thing though, David, is you have to keep moving towards community, towards connection.

David: I'm trying but I'm dealing with a tremendous amount of childhood trauma from the day they brought me home from the hospital. I was the youngest of three boys and my mom and dad, they prayed every day for a girl. Until I was five years old, they'd introduce everybody and get to me and go, "And here's David, we were hoping for a girl." And then my two brothers had no toys to play with, so I was their toy and they beat and tortured me my entire life. My own brother stabbed me eight times with a butcher knife. And you said you haven't been able to find a therapist? No.

Becky Brown: Okay, we can help you with that. But I want to hear what Alice has to say before we go to the break.

Dr. Alice Benton: David, this lifetime of injury, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual, it's like you're carrying this immense boulder on your back and it's too much for you. It's weighing you down, it's keeping you paralyzed. You need other hands to help lift that boulder off your shoulders. The pastor is one, and I'm so glad you have him, but like you said, he's helping a lot of people. You need more than one. I want you to know there are groups available that you can join online. We have New Life recovery groups all over the country. We can connect you with one of our counselors. You said, "I'm by myself, I'm all by myself in this motorhome." Let us bring other people around you to help lift that boulder.

Brian Perez: If everybody can keep David in your prayers, man, oh man, what a story. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be back with more of your phone calls here at New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000. And let's go to Becky, who listens to us on KKLA in Riverside. Becky, you're on with Becky Brown and Dr. Alice Benton. Welcome to New Life LIVE.

Becky: Yes, hi, good morning. Can you hear me? Yes, go ahead. Hi, good morning. I have a situation. I am going to have a Quinceañera for my daughter. We are going to have a purity ceremony and the Word of God given in our party, but after that's over, we're going to have live music and there's going to be dancing. My mother has said that if we have any type of music that is not Christian, that she's not going to attend.

For anyone who doesn't know, a Quinceañera is when a girl turns 15 years old in the Hispanic culture. It's a lot like a sweet 16. Correct.

Becky: I've often thought about this because it's come up throughout my adulthood and in my younger years when my mother and I didn't agree about music. Of course, I believe that we should always listen to appropriate music, so there's no question that whatever is played at the party is going to be clean. But I feel like if we're playing worship music, then we're worshiping God and we can't be like boogying to it.

I've thought about all of the options. But the point is that the 150 guests, myself, my husband, my child, everybody wants this except for her. I'm having such a hard time. This is Grandma, right? That's not just any other guest. She's so relentless in her pursuit of getting this thing that she wants, that she believes it's a sin and that I'm walking away from God. It just turns into a huge discussion that it starts to cloud my judgment. Like I have to come home and talk to my husband and say, "Do I believe this is a sin?" And then he talks me off of it. He's like, "No, this is not a sin." So I've had to work through clarifying my own values at 43 years old, if you can believe it, because of her relentlessness.

Dr. Alice Benton: Becky, has your mother been relentless on many different topics through your life? And if you don't acquiesce, how does she treat you?

Becky: Like this. She will not—it's emotional blackmail, basically. The trouble is that by God's grace, we agree, I would say, on 95% of things, so out of all of her children, I have the best relationship with her because we walk with the Lord, so really there isn't like any major. But this, or say a sip of champagne—we're not going to have alcohol, but if we did, it would just be the end of the world. These two things are the things that we disagree on. The rest of my family is telling me, because I'm the oldest and we have lots of grandkids, and they're saying, "It's going to start with your oldest and then there's never going to be an end to this if you don't put your foot down." The only reason why I would change this, having talked endlessly with my husband and prayed about it and asked for counsel, is not because I believe it's a sin but because I want to keep the peace with her. Because it won't end at the party; she will keep this going for years and years and years. It just will never stop. Every time I have a conversation with her, she'll bring it up.

Becky Brown: So Becky, from Becky to Becky, what do you think is a possible resolution? Because it sounds to me like if you say that you and your mom are 95, 99% tracking with each other and this is the line that's going to be drawn, I would wonder about a conversation with her. "Mom, I know this is the line in the sand for you and it breaks my heart. I'm trying to understand where you think I'm jumping off and I really want to respect you because you mean so much to me, and I'm just trying to make this make sense." The other part of this too, Becky, is at 43, and because your husband is in alignment, and because you've been praying about this, and you're trying to think of all of these things, you are approaching it correctly. You're not in a reactive mode. The big challenge is what would happen if she's going to keep telling the story for the next 20 years? I would think in a conversation with her, that's what I would say. "Mom, the reason why I'm hesitant to talk to you about this is because I'm afraid I'm going to pay for it for the next 20 years and it saddens me to think that this is going to be our relationship."

Dr. Alice Benton: Becky, this is so tough to know what the right best thing to do is because you're going to be disappointing somebody and it's going to cost you. You have a good history, a track record of being able to please your mom, which keeps you in that good relationship with her. If you choose non-Christian music, it could ruin relationship with her. But you also then set a precedent that the rest of the family will either have to live up to or they're going to pay the prices as well. And if you give into her when you disagree with her, I think you're enabling her controlling tactics. She has a good motivation; she's trying to keep you in God's will as she understands it, but you two have a different understanding of God's will. So I could see saying, "Mom, for the first half hour, first hour, we're going to play Christian music to honor you. For the rest of it, we're going to dance to some clean, fun, non-Christian music, and if you don't want to stay, that's okay. It would be sad, but that is okay. But Mom, if you keep bringing it up with me afterwards, that doesn't work for me. It feels like you're hammering me, and so I'll need to step away from those conversations if you keep bringing it up in an angry way because I want a good relationship with you, Mom."

Brian Perez: Becky, thanks for your phone call today. 1 Corinthians 8, that's the verse I was looking for. It's in there: "If food makes my brother stumble, I will never eat meat again so that I don't make my brother stumble." So in this case, I will never have a Quinceañera again if it makes my mom stumble.

Becky Brown: That's stretching it, Brian. Just a little.

Brian Perez: Becky, thanks for your phone call today on New Life LIVE. And now we're going to talk to Lisa in Sacramento who's watching us on YouTube. Welcome, thanks for calling us today.

Lisa: Hello. Hi. I'm trying to make sure I put this together right because I know we only have so much time. So I'm going to say first, I am in the eye of the storm. I am the person who's really trying to follow the Lord and I'm not saying what other people's relationship is, but from what I can see, I'm almost like Becky's mom. I'm really, really trying to do the right thing. However, I do end up, unfortunately, under a lot of stress. I'm at the doctor's all the time.

So I'm calling particularly about my daughter right now. She seems to be going through a mental health crisis. She doesn't see herself, she doesn't seem to understand her behaviors, and she thinks she's fine and she thinks it's me. Someone described me as possibly the scapegoat. Why? Because there's a lot of mental health and serious physical things going on in the family with members. So I don't feel like I have anybody to turn to, and I try trusting people in the community, but I see how much they judge me.

I don't want her to go through that. I don't think she can handle going through that if people knew that she was seriously mentally ill. I talked to one lady and that's because her daughter's going through the same thing. And so I just looked at her Facebook page, my daughter's, this morning, and she has a picture of a superwoman with one leg cut off and just bleeding and she's laying on the floor. And so I guess she's saying she's exhausted, she's tired of trying to be Superwoman. And she doesn't smile in any of her pictures.

Becky Brown: Lisa, how old is she?

Lisa: She's 35.

Becky Brown: And how often do you see or speak to her?

Lisa: Well, I haven't been because I've been staying away because she's making me sick. It's been about a little over a month.

Becky Brown: Okay. Was there an event that happened that or just your physical health is what's happening?

Lisa: Well, it's both, but yeah, there was an event that happened. She was here at the house and her behavior was something I've never seen. She jumped up, she threw a plate across the room, she called me names.

Becky Brown: What was it about, Lisa? What was it about?

Lisa: Well, I told her that I felt that she was putting men before her child. And I probably shouldn't have said that, but I was frustrated, I didn't know what else to say because I feel like she's moving too quick. She meets people online and I'm just worried about her safety and just worried about—I can't really keep the baby. I would just keep him, I would just take him and let him live with me—not take and take him, but I'm sure she would let me have him here like most of the time—but because of my health, I can't. And so I feel trapped. I don't know what to do.

Becky Brown: So the reason why I was asking all this is because it seemed pretty vague about what was really happening. Now here's the challenge that you have, Lisa. If you're not speaking to her and if you're not with her, I don't think looking at her Facebook page is any help because this kind of goes back to what I said before, you don't have no context and it's kind of removed. I would want for you to be able to repair the relationship in a way that you can have just a connection with her that isn't based on whether she does what you want her to do or not. But it's tricky. We talk about this all the time because adult sons and daughters and their parents, it's a challenge. We just like you said, it's just like with Becky, but I don't want you to be the same way, right? And so my I think the best thing you could do is get to a healthy place for yourself so that when you respond or connect with her, you're coming from a different place than fear and worry. Alice.

Lisa: May I just say that the connection, I tried for years, that's why I've gotten to this place physically in my health. I tried for years and years and years and we don't have time to get into the support I've shown. I probably shouldn't have said compared myself exactly to Becky's mom, but I was just saying a little bit. But not completely, and I really try to be there for her, but it got down to the wire of it just being a babysitter. And when I can't babysit, then she's upset. And even when I babysit, she'll be nice long enough for me to babysit, and then every time she picks him up, she'll start arguing with me, and it started turning into I know that when she comes to get him, she's going to start an argument and it was just strange to me.

Dr. Alice Benton: She mistreats you and takes advantage of your generosity, but she can be sweet when she needs something from you. So as you're wondering what to do about this, and because you have such limited influence in her life, the best thing you can do is the work on yourself. Now, that comparison to the previous caller's mother, what I want you to think about and ask a couple people whom you trust and who will give you truth, ask them: Do I give too much unsolicited advice? And do I tell people the good right thing they should be doing? And how is my delivery when I say those kinds of things? Because you may be coming across as too pushy even if you're right. I don't doubt that she's putting too much attention to men rather than to her son. So you're probably accurate about that. But how you go about saying these things, you know, that impacts whether or not a person can receive them.

Lisa: I try so hard to be loving. I really try to say it in a loving way. And I really don't want to control her at all. I really tell her all the time, I said I don't—I can barely even run my own life, I'm trying to get my health together. I'm not like the mom peeking through the window, "What are you doing? What are you doing?" That's not me. I just when she brings stuff to me, and she knows that I worry because I lost a child, and not only can I just say that I lost a child, but my granddaughter, 21 years old, was kind of similar to how she is. She was always saying she was tired and everything, and then one day my daughter called and said, my other daughter called and said, they couldn't wake her up. So she died at 22 years old.

Dr. Alice Benton: Lisa, we believe that your purpose is completely loving. We know that. So do this evaluation on how your delivery is. And with wise counsel around you, make decisions about how and when to push truth on your daughter who doesn't want truth from you. But sometimes it's worth it to save your grandson because he needs to be protected by somebody. And if you're concerned that he's being neglected or abused, then Child Protective Services is one of the resources you can call to get that evaluation to determine his safety. And you're open to taking him in and you may need to one day. So that balance of being loving to her but cautious not to give too much unsolicited advice unless it's absolutely necessary.

Becky Brown: And I would do your own work, Lisa, a lot before you attempt to give any more advice. Because what you just said about your daughter and your granddaughter that passed away told me volumes. Your fear, your anxiety, it's justified but it's running your life. And you need to get to a place of peace and understanding and acceptance of what's happened, and that is not an easy thing to do, but it is essential for you to have an influence in a good way with your daughter that you're having the struggle with. And I imagine the death of her niece impacted her too. So we need to get some grief work—I just can't say it enough. Do your own work, Lisa.

Brian Perez: For sure, and we'll put you in touch with someone if you need one, Lisa. Thanks for calling New Life LIVE. And let's go to Becky who listens to us—actually, Becky Brown mentioned Club New Life. Today's podcast is brought to you by Club New Life supporters who give a monthly donation because they want to continue to offer help and hope in these very, very difficult places. To find out more about Club New Life, you can go to our website, newlife.com, or call 1-800-New-Life. Now if you're new to us, we drop an episode every weekday. We would love it if you would rate or write a review, which helps more people discover help and hope, and helps us share wisdom with as many people as possible. Now let's listen to our counselors as they help people walk through life's hardest places.

Back to the phones, here is Szabi in Budapest, Hungary. Welcome Szabi to New Life LIVE.

Szabi: Oh, hi. Thank you for taking my call.

Brian Perez: Yeah, thank you for calling us from Hungary. How can we help you today?

Szabi: I have an issue with my father. He is 77 years old. My mother passed away three years ago. And I noticed that in the past three, four weeks, he refuses to take showers. And there were complaints from the church that he—sorry for the expression—he stinks. And he doesn't really care. He drinks a lot, he doesn't really change his clothes. And I don't know what to say to him, how to motivate him.

Dr. Alice Benton: Szabi, do you live with him?

Szabi: No, no. I'm like eight hours from him. I'm flying to him Thursday.

Dr. Alice Benton: How crushing to see your father deteriorate like this. He seems apathetic, he's not even taking care of his body, and there is little you can do. And he's drinking. You think he's abusing alcohol, drinking excessively?

Szabi: I mean, he's not drinking that much. If he drinks a small amount and he is out, he's done. But that's enough for him to be in some kind of coma and not to react to what's happening around him.

Becky Brown: Szabi, is there any other family member that's close by him?

Szabi: Not at the moment. Well, I have a brother who is mentally handicapped so he doesn't really know what to do. My local pastor decided to visit him every week and maybe help with the laundry. But I have the feeling that he is trying to use this to control me or to convince me to move back to him. I think he's aware that he's not taking a shower, he just doesn't care.

Becky Brown: Well, but Szabi, could he have dementia? Could he have—his age is at a time when this kind of stuff needs to be evaluated. When you say he has a drink and it puts him in a comatose state, or even with your brother who has intellectual disabilities, we need a plan. And I don't know that if you think that it's a manipulation on his part it's going to cloud your objective findings. And so if you can just look at this from—you gave a really great description when your mom passed away, it disrupted this household. And so it may be that he wants you to come back because he's scared in his lucid moments. But the things that you described describe somebody who may be experiencing dementia.

Szabi: Yeah, but when my mom was alive, my mom said, "Go take a shower." And I remember when I was a kid 20 years ago, it was the same thing. He didn't really want to take a shower. He wasn't that person who takes a shower several times a week.

Dr. Alice Benton: So he may be dealing with a long-term or recurrent depression. This is one of the symptoms of depression, a lack of hygiene. So there are many different diagnoses or medical issues that could be going on that we're not certain what exactly it is, and it could be manipulative. You might be right about that. And so there are a couple of ways to suss out what's actually happening. And one way would be to get in touch with his medical doctor to see if you can get the release of information to either gain information from the doctor or at least provide what you know to the doctor because an adjustment in medication may be part of the solution. An antidepressant can really help restore that energy and that desire for one's hygiene. You might have to consider hiring a caregiver, and even if your father refuses to receive care, at least honoring your dad by providing the help that you can because you live too far away. I would also suggest, even though you're in Hungary, that you might consult with our interventionist that we have because the interventionist helps a family to strategize, bringing people around like the pastor who already loves your dad and is there and available to determine: Do we have any leverage? Can we convince him? Can we require him to do anything? And if we can't, what does our surrender look like? Because if he is of sound mind, he does get to decide how to manage his life even if he manages it poorly. But if he's not of sound mind, then what professionals can be brought in to treat this?

Becky Brown: Right. And I would also add, Szabi, that your healing is going to be important as you approach this. There's so many people who are managing their moms and dads in later years, and when there's unresolved pain, that can confuse the situation and you—it sounds to me like you're going back for a good visit and maybe, like Alice just said, maybe you could set up an appointment to go to the doctor on Friday. Like, make this trip just let's get an assessment of how this works. I know that you remember your mom guiding him, but if this is long-term depression or if it's dementia or if it's some other thing, understanding what is actually happening is going to give you the best way to deal with it.

Dr. Alice Benton: In the United States, we have the system of the Adult Protective Services where we can call in social workers and professionals to evaluate someone who doesn't want help and is refusing it so that, if need be, they can be involuntarily placed in a higher level of care. Look into whether or not that's available to you in your country.

Brian Perez: Szabi, thanks for calling from Budapest. It's always great to hear from our international viewers and listeners, and we're so sorry that we couldn't get to all of your calls today. Please call us back tomorrow, call us early between 10:00 AM and noon Pacific time. We'll be here for two hours tomorrow. We really do want to hear from you, especially if you called in today and couldn't get on the show. And we're going to archive today's episode online. And don't forget our New Life courses—find out more about them, they start this Thursday. Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to newlife.com to find out more information and thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.