New Life LIVE

Voiceover: Welcome to the New Life Live podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: If one of your New Year's resolutions is to listen to New Life Live more often, you are off to a good start. Happy New Year. I'm Brian Perez, so excited for the change, progress, and transformation that's in store for you this year. The president of New Life Ministries, licensed professional clinical counselor, Becky Brown, is on the show today, and so is clinical psychologist, Dr. Jill Hubbard. Happy New Year, ladies.

Becky Brown: Happy New Year.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Happy New Year.

Becky Brown: Where are our poppers?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yes, exactly. I was thinking fireworks. No fireworks in the studio.

Brian Perez: No, no, that would be bad. That would be bad. So I can't wait to talk to the people we've got on the phone. Marsha, you are up first, but Jill, what's on your mind to start us off?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, what is on my mind is a continuation of what we talked about last time we were all together. And since it's New Year's Day, and I'm probably home in my pajamas watching the parade instead of here, we were talking about, and this may be the theme all week for everyone, that today is New Year's Day.

And so what do we think about with the new year? We think about what the new year is going to be about, what it's going to be like, and we think about resolutions. Okay, so here's a few words instead of resolutions. Okay, there's resolutions, there's reflections, right? There's goals, there's gear-ups, there's intentions, and the one I heard at church was invitations. There's invitations to do things differently, invitations to add things or delete things or to make our life different.

So I think it's always good to pause at this time of year. I mean, it's good to take pauses all year long, but to pause and to think about our life, what we want our life to be like. Here we are, the new year is a marker of time. Okay, so next year when we're in this spot, what do we want to be different about our lives?

And so pause to think, but we don't need to linger there too long, because it's really important that we take some action steps. And that's really what all of these things, intentions and goals and resolutions, it's adding some action steps to our life. And sometimes because we can get stuck in thinking, we can get too idealistic, we can get unrealistic with our intentions.

But some decisions, sometimes any decision is better than no decision, because being stuck is that place of no decision, of indecision and being afraid, being in ambivalence. And if we let go of something, we might lose out, right? So we keep all of our options open, instead of, sometimes we have to let go to grab hold of something new.

And so there's also a lot of times with resolutions, we think about, you know, what's the most famous one? I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to have a whole new body. Okay, well, maybe what's more realistic is I'm going to start making some choices that give me better health, right? Instead of I'm going to lose 50 pounds. So I'm going to add little things that are doable, because then that builds on one another, right?

And so a lot of times we're thinking about our lives, we want to change everything that's external. But what is it internally that we want to change? What needs to shift inside of you? And so I have a fun idea, but maybe I'll share after the break. We'll see.

Brian Perez: Oh, these cliffhangers! I want to hear what you have to say.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Well, I have a fun idea of how to do it that doesn't seem too overwhelming, but it's kind of fun.

Brian Perez: I like cliffhangers because it just means people are going to listen, they're going to stay tuned. So thank you, Jill, for that. Jill is a walking thesaurus, as well as other words that we can use besides just resolutions. So stick around and we'll hear what that is.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Okay, well, here's one thing I have to say. Instead of saying I have to do this or I have to do that, one of the shifts we can make is that I get to. You know, I have to go to work. No, I get to go to work.

Brian Perez: Yep. And we'll get to talk to Marsha when we come back on New Life Live and everybody else that's on the phone. So stick around. Thanks for listening to us today on New Year's Day.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: We are back. Thank you so much for listening and for watching. Dr. Jill Hubbard, what was that other tip you wanted to share?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Okay, so here's a fun idea, because sometimes it gets so in-depth or you just give up. So some of my friends, we are doing kind of New Year's Bingo. Okay, so we've created Bingo cards and then what you do is you plot things in the squares. And I'm not done plotting mine yet.

And then if the first person to complete an actual line of their intentions, we're going to do something special, they win a prize or something. We haven't figured that out yet. But it's kind of a fun way to have some accountability when you do it with friends and even just for yourself. But again, putting doable things. Like one of the things is I need to get an eye exam and everyone here at New Life has been bugging me. I really like my fashionable readers, but come on, it's been 20 years and I'm maxing out the strength.

So it's time. So I'm thinking in the new year, and everyone here is going to hold me accountable for that. So you know, things like that. I'm going to get together with my friends on a regular basis and we're going to talk about our Bingo cards. So putting things that are doable.

Brian Perez: I love it. So each of your friends has different things on their card?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah. So you can check off and you can kind of see, but it's not like this big monumental thing where I've got to revamp my entire life. But you can add things in. You can add spiritual things. One thing like a verse, maybe there's a verse for the year that you could meditate on. Mine for this year is Isaiah 12:2. "See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song. He has given me victory." I am going to rest in that this year. And so that's one of the things I'm going to plot on here. So just fun.

Brian Perez: And at the end of the year, we're all going to say Bingo.

Becky Brown: We're all going to say Bingo. Yes.

Brian Perez: So here's what's cool about this Bingo card, it's got 24 squares on it. That's like two a month. That's almost like a goal that you can say, "Hey, I can do two of these." If you can do more, great. But I think it's doable. That's awesome, Jill.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah. So just a fun way to switch it up and to maybe not lose heart about making some small changes that make a big difference in our lives.

Brian Perez: I like it. So if you're a regular listener or viewer of New Life Live, you know about the matching gift challenge that we had over the past few months. Our goal was $475,000 in the weeks leading up to December 31st. Becky, how did we do?

Becky Brown: Bingo! We met the match because of the faithful and generous hearts of so many people. Whether you gave a large gift or a small gift, it all got doubled and it just means that we're going to continue to help more and more people reach their transformational goals for their new life. We are so grateful.

And guess what? We don't stop at a match. We are always grateful for any gift that someone would say, "You know what? I want to be part of what God's doing through New Life." But we want to celebrate the match being met and we are so grateful for everybody who participated.

Brian Perez: Yes, we are. And you can give online at NewLife.com or by calling 1-800-NEW-LIFE or text the letters N-L-M to 228950. Thank you for whatever you did in 2025 and for whatever you're going to do in 2026. Let's go to the phones now. Here is Marsha, who listens to us on WAVA in Washington, D.C. Happy New Year, Marsha.

Marsha: Happy New Year, almost. Anyway, well, we're pretending. Yes, it's okay. Okay. Happy New Year. Okay. Hello. Thank you for taking my call. I have a question. It's been ongoing for some years. My daughter, I've called before, my daughter's 24. She was human trafficked at 14, sexual abuse, all of these things.

But in this length of time, she has had two children. I have custody of them. And she's supposed to be pregnant again with twins. Now, this information has been given out since October of last year and I'm like, you mean October of 2024? Okay. So we're waiting for this blessed event, but it's overdue. Each time I ask, each time I ask, it's like, "Oh, they had the wrong date. The doctor had the wrong date." We never know nothing. We don't know the doctor's name.

Brian Perez: It's been way more than nine months, so.

Marsha: Yes.

Brian Perez: Have you seen her? Does she look pregnant?

Marsha: She lives with me. She lives with me.

Brian Perez: Does she look pregnant?

Marsha: No, not like she should. And I've had six children, so it's not like the progressive growth that we have with children. Okay. But it's still, I'm waiting. The doctor changed the date again. I'm like, "Kimberly, what is the date? What's the name of the doctor? Where's the sonogram papers?" We don't have anything. It's like we started out just like we start back then. We have nothing. And I'm like, "God, I'm trying to get my mind in good order with Him." Because you're waiting for this so-called event, but it never comes. It changes, the date changes.

Everything you ask, we went through a doctor that she used back when she had her firstborn. He's almost nine. The information was given. I knew the doctor because we had rapport because of the human trafficking and all of that. It was a delicate situation then. And I knew the doctor and I'm like, "I know the doctor." I called the office, followed up. This is in September, October, whatever. It could have been earlier than that.

Brian Perez: So how can we help you today, Marsha?

Marsha: I'm trying to see to be unstuck. It's like what you thought, and we're stuck. And this is the entire family.

Brian Perez: And the two kids, Marsha, also live with you?

Marsha: Yes, I have custody of them.

Brian Perez: They're nine and what?

Marsha: One will be nine next in January, and the girl, she'll be seven. Okay, so nine and seven years old.

Brian Perez: Do you believe that your daughter believes this? Because there's, you know, does she believe this and she's delusional? Or is she using this for some kind of attention or sympathy?

Marsha: That's what she's kind of leaned to because you don't have anything to go on.

Brian Perez: Right. But or could she be using this? Like as long as she's pregnant, I'm imagining she gets to stay with you.

Marsha: She stays with us, yeah. But my thing is this, and I'm like, "You need to leave." I've said it, but it's like in order, if you're like this, and there's no help here, and you tell us God don't love you, I mean, it's outbursts on a regular basis, weekly. I can get it, I'll catch it on a weekly basis. "You don't love me," I'm like, "If we don't, why are you here?"

Becky Brown: Marsha, I would assume that she's not pregnant and I would probably lean towards how do I help her? If she was trafficked at 14, she's got a lot of trauma. And there's lots of cases where women have thought they were pregnant, feigned pregnancy for lots of different reasons. But it is a delusional state and her outbursts are, it's you're getting too close to the wound.

It could be that she was pregnant at one point, lost the babies, or had an abortion. I mean, there's lots of different things that she doesn't want you close to the truth. But if you keep pushing, that's not going to get you what you want anyway. She needs the support, and I know that may irritate you when I say that because you are supporting her in so many ways. But the storyline that you just gave is, I would guarantee she's probably not pregnant. She is having delusions, but also needs care. Not to demand that she, you know, "Tell me the doctor," and all that kind of stuff. Just, how do I support her? Because she's been through a lot already, as have you, Marsha. So.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, like, has she done any therapy? Any groups? Anything to help her with the trauma that she's been through?

Marsha: Yeah, we did. We did. That was early on, and the doctor was under another licensed doctor. And in D.C., if you weren't licensed, then you could not do any of that anymore. She was happy with the one she had, but that situation curved it. But she refuses help of any kind. Of any kind now. Any kind. She's like, "Nobody can help me. God can't help me. Nobody can help me." And I'm like, "Okay. But it's like, so how do we help you if nobody can help you?"

Becky Brown: Marsha, you can get help, though. She's wounded. Like there's just, there's no way to get close to somebody who is wounded at that level. And so once you start to being able to be a safe person, that's where that door's going to start to open up. But to circle around whether she's pregnant or not or those kind of things is just going to frustrate both of you.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Right, yeah. So I like, Becky, what you said. Assume she's not pregnant. If she's playing out this delusion, I mean, you don't have to confront her on it because eventually it's known, right? So just realize that this is part of her trauma reaction and that for some reason she needs this. She needs to use this for whatever reason.

And so I would operate though, again, you don't need to know the doctor or find it out because she really isn't pregnant. It's been proven. And so you're just going to go along and act like it's just a side situation and focus on other aspects of her life. You know, like, "Yeah, well, until the babies come, what do you want to do? What do you want to do for work? Or what do you want to do with your time?" And I know that will change when the babies come, but right? You kind of just play along with it, but you don't make it the main thing. And you start getting her to engage in other parts of her life that are actually real.

Brian Perez: Marsha, thank you so much for calling us today on New Life Live. Brian Perez here on this New Year's Day edition of New Life Live. It's all new. I love it. And you know, something new that we added in 2025 was our New Life online courses and yes, we're doing them again in 2026. Becky, what is the benefit of signing up for a New Life online course?

Becky Brown: Well, a lot of times people are hesitant to go into a structured counseling because it just seems like, "Oh, I don't think I have that big of a problem." But if you go into a course, you're going to learn something and you're going to have the support of a group. We love counseling, we love coaching.

But this is an opportunity for you to learn and get some self-awareness, to challenge yourself to look at your life from a different perspective, all within the safety of a group as well as a clinician who's leading the group, so that you're not, you know, just having chit-chat. It's really a forward motion and it's once a week, 12 weeks, it will make a difference. And you know what? This is a new year. If you haven't decided what you're going to do on your Bingo card, you could put it on your Bingo card. Sign up for New Life course and then actually attend New Life course and complete it. You could knock out two squares.

Brian Perez: That's it. And you can knock off that square, maybe you can do a square for signing up and then do another square for when you actually go. It starts on January 29th. There are three different courses to choose from. Lose It For Life, which is about building healthy habits. Healing Is A Choice, for moving forward from emotional wounds, trauma, or disappointment. And Take Your Life Back, not letting the past control your present.

Which one are you going to sign up for? You can get all the details about the courses at NewLife.com. Again, it's 12 weeks, once a week, beginning January 29th. So go choose your course. Find out more at NewLife.com. Thank you so much for listening today and for watching us as well. We are going to talk to Kel next in Farmville, Virginia, listening on SiriusXM channel 131. Welcome, Kel. Happy New Year.

Kel: Thank you. Thank you. Same to you all and thank you all for taking my call. I'm going to be as quick as possible this afternoon because I have to go back into work. My main question is how do I, as a caring mother, get myself in the position where I don't care so much?

Quick backstory, my daughter, 30, involved with a young man about five years ago. They were in a volatile relationship. They both got in trouble with the authorities, they both ended up in jail. While she was in jail, I was able to contact her employer, maintain her employment. She got out, she went right on back to work like she never missed a day.

But she was advised by several people, including her attorney, to keep her communications with the young man strictly to him speaking with the child. Since then, they have moved back in with me and my husband. No problem, we enjoy them being there, we are crazy about the grandson. But the outbursts every now and then that come have disrupted the household. It just disrupts me because I care so much that I don't want her to get caught back up in that situation with that family. I'm not saying not to communicate with the family because she does have a child. I wouldn't want to be in the position where I couldn't see the child, but she's just, I feel she is receiving...

Becky Brown: Kel, what is the outburst? What are they based on?

Kel: They are pretty much based on her saying that I don't need to be in her business, I'm trying to interject myself into stuff that is not my concern. But as long as you're living under my roof and as long as you're my child and he's my grandchild, you will always be my concern. So therefore it is my business.

Brian Perez: Well, if it's disrupting the household, if it's overflowing into the common area, then yes, that's your business. But she's also saying, "These are my relationships that are hers, they're not yours." So she is telling you to back off a bit, right? So when you say how can I care less, I don't think as a mother there's any way to care less. But how can you curb your behavior that shows your daughter some respect in terms of not communicating that you think she's unable to handle her own life? Because some of that when you jump in and try to help and do things, you're communicating that you have no confidence in her. And that's hurtful to her.

Becky Brown: And the other part about this, Kel, because we're older as moms, we watch our adult sons and daughters make choices that we would never, like, but we may have done stuff back then that our parents were thinking. But because they're right up front in front of you, I think it would be really a challenge to not express what you're feeling or thinking, thinking that it would be a good idea. Kel, you're not going to be able to care less. That just doesn't come with the territory.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: But it's the outward, you know, that's what I'm struggling with. I'm struggling with to wind myself down and just get back into a place where, okay, well, I don't want to be able to tell you I told you so, but many things that have happened where I could have easily said, "I told you so," in the past. And I still tell her then because I know I have told you so. So again, that's the caring part.

Becky Brown: Do not do that. Write that in a journal somewhere. Put it on your Bingo card that you told her. I think to even say to your daughter, "Daughter, I care so much because that's what mothers do, but I realize sometimes the message I'm trying to give you isn't the right message. And so I want you to know that I am hearing you about certain things being your life, and I actually would like to be a person here that you felt safe enough with to bounce ideas off of. And so I am going to take a step back and bite my tongue and trust you that you're going to make some better choices, that you've learned from what has happened in the past and that you have greater wisdom now."

So sometimes we need to give them that even if we don't really, secretly we don't believe it. But we need to say. And I have to say to my daughter all the time, "Okay, I trust you, I trust you, I know you're going to make a good decision." And I see her puff up, she'll go, "Oh, thank you," right? It's like they need that, especially from mothers, because otherwise all they hear is criticism, even when you don't mean it that way.

Becky Brown: Well, and the other part of this too, Kel, I wonder what kind of boundaries did you all establish when you all decided to live together? Because what happens so many times in the outburst is because we have expectations and our toes get stepped on and we react to our toes getting stepped on as opposed to what the real issue is.

Brian Perez: We'll come back to Kel when we come back on New Life Live.

Voiceover: Today's podcast is brought to you by Club New Life supporters who give a monthly donation because they want to continue to offer help and hope in these very difficult places. To find out more about Club New Life, you can go to our website, NewLife.com, or call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now, if you're new to us, we drop an episode every weekday. We would love it if you would rate or write a review, which helps more people discover help and hope and helps us share wisdom with as many people as possible. Now let's listen to our counselors as they help people walk through life's hardest places.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: New Year's Day gives us a new opportunity to start over. Many of us make resolutions but give up and break them by February. If you need help to achieve the freedom you want to experience in your life, we've got a free tip sheet for you. It's called Six Steps to Turn Resolutions Into Realities. Give us a call at 1-800-NEW-LIFE and we'll send it. It's called Six Steps to Turning Resolutions Into Realities. To the phones now, here is Jenny in Rochester, New York, listening on SiriusXM channel 131. Welcome, Jenny. Happy New Year. Thanks for calling us today.

Jenny: Happy New Year and good afternoon. Yes, I am the mother of eight adult children, and I know they're in pain and I was just calling to see what advice I can get to help them and also to form a renewed relationship with them.

Brian Perez: So you're estranged from all eight?

Jenny: Well, yes, due to being in a narcissistic relationship for over 25 years.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Is that their father? Or do they have the same father?

Jenny: Yes, they do, my husband, yes. He's deceased now.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: He's deceased, okay. But you stayed married to him?

Jenny: Yeah.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Okay. Okay, so because of who he was in their lives, is this what you're saying, they all kind of have moved away from you?

Jenny: Yes, because they blame me for his passing and a lot of things.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: For his passing? And a lot of things. Okay. When was that?

Jenny: April.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Oh, okay, so it's pretty recent. So they're all really grieving. So did they have a relationship with him?

Jenny: I mean, I feel like they have had more of a relationship with me because I was always on board. I don't know to what degree they had a relationship with him because I was even though being the mom and being the core of just ambiance and responsibility and stuff like that in the home, I don't know to what extent their relationship was with him.

Becky Brown: Jenny, were you together until he died, you and your husband?

Jenny: Yes, living in the same house.

Becky Brown: Okay. So Jenny, yeah, so I was just confused because your observation, you don't know whether they were close to him or not based on your observation. Jenny, and if he was not a safe person for them, a lot of times kids of a narcissistic parent will have a superficial relationship with them and they are trying to get their favor, but they don't feel safe with them. So if you're the safest person, then you're going to get the brunt of all of their hurt and anger.

Jenny: And that's what I'm feeling right now, and that's what is evident.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, yeah. And okay, so you have eight kids. Have any of them stayed closer to you than some of the others? Like, do you communicate with them?

Jenny: Yes.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Okay. Because I think it's important to give them a platform and be willing to just hear their hurt and to let them know that you know that some of the choices you made were hurtful to them over the years. And that some of them maybe wished you had done something different, done something more, and that you want to hear what hurts them, what you've done, what it was like to be in your home.

Jenny: And ironically, I have extended myself like that in words and in letters to them. But I'm giving them time because I understand the hurt and the pain and how it's a process to heal and to be ready to even talk, you know. But I was motivated to share today because I heard you guys say when I was listening that ways to help your adult children.

Becky Brown: Yeah, I was going to ask you, Jenny, you know that they're in pain and I'm just curious, have they been able to tell you they're in pain or you just observe that they're in pain?

Jenny: Well, some of them have told me, for the most part, all of them. But a couple have not to my face, they just don't. Yeah.

Becky Brown: You guys have just experienced a lot of pain and then your husband's loss. And so everyone's real tender right now, including you, Jenny. And this isn't all on you to fix their pain, but here's what I want to encourage you to do. I love that you have reached out and you've sent letters. I want you to develop a rhythm with all of your adult children of regular connection. Like you might just, I don't know how close they live to you, but I would just, you can create your own Bingo card on how you are connecting with them. And that you just have, whether it's a phone call and you're just literally talking about what's going on in their lives or what's going on in your life, and to begin to start having a healing connection for all of you. Because it seems like life was pretty rough for a long time and now we need to create these new rhythms that are safe.

But I wouldn't lead with that, because you've already done that. But I want you to create that connection and it may be once a month you say, "Hey everybody, come on over and we'll have dinner," once a month. Just, and not everybody's going to be able to make it, but just begin that process of reconnection and start a new family, literally.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: And maybe some of them you just have to text, "Thinking about you today, hoping we can talk soon." And just do a rhythm of constantly checking in with them. Not too much, right? You kind of have to feel out what the intervals should be. But like yeah, you've sent letters and then yeah, you wait a little while and maybe they respond, maybe they don't, and then you text them, "Thinking about you, hoping we can connect." And then maybe like Becky said, an invitation. "I thought I'd do a family dinner." And instead of saying we're going to do it once a month, just start one time. "Let's do a family dinner."

Becky Brown: Right. And Jenny, every day, every day if you're not already doing this, begin to pray for each of them and for how God wants you to connect with them. Because I know as moms, as we launch them and like you just said, Jill, you know you want to speak truth into them, but it's like we work ourselves out of a job. And then when there's been pain in the family of origin, as moms we carry guilt, we carry, "I wish it could have been better for them." That's what you identified, you said I recognize that.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, so being able to name what's true for them versus just what's true for you and no excuses, Jenny. And then also asking them when it's appropriate, "What do you need from me now?" Right? How can I be here for you now? Right? So you may not have felt I was there even though I probably was, but they may not have felt it. But "How can I be here for you now?"

And it's going to take them some time, Jenny, to feel like they, you got to remember, that's been their reality. Your adult brain has been able to sort through things and even though they're adults now, they're still forming who they are and how they fit into this family of origin. It's just, you know, one of the things I would encourage you is get a copy of Mark Cameron's book, "Understanding Your Attachment Style," because it will give you insight into your world but also theirs. But I just think that'd be a great way to move forward.

Brian Perez: That's a great book. "U-Y-A-S." To me it looks like "Ooh yes," and that's because every time I read the book, I'm like underlining something different because it's so good. So that's a good resource for you, Jenny. Also, "Doing Life With Your Adult Children" and even the "Life Recovery Workbook for Grief," having just lost your husband a few months ago, this would be excellent resources, all of them available in the NewLife.com store. Thank you so much for calling in today to New Life Live. God bless you. And I love too that Becky told Jenny to pray for each of her kids, not just a general, "God, I pray for my kids," but no, each one of them individually. I think that's great. So Jenny, thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. Cashus, we're going to talk to you next, so thank you for holding. We'll be back in just a little bit here on New Life Live. God bless you guys.

Voiceover: To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life Live.

Brian Perez: And now we'll go out to McLean, Virginia, where Cashus is calling in and it says here, Cashus, that you were referred to us by a friend. What's your friend's first name?

Cashus: My friend's first name is Lee.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Sam! Lee!

Brian Perez: Okay, I just wanted to say thank you to your friend for telling you about us. So thanks for calling in and how can we help you?

Cashus: Well, to begin, happy New Year, and I'm in my 20s, addicted to pornography, and I was wondering what kind of help do I need, whether it be a counselor or a coach.

Brian Perez: Well, you called the right place, that's for sure.

Becky Brown: Or our workshop. Yeah, we do have a workshop, it's called Every Man's Battle. We're doing one in about three weeks in Orange County, California. And you can find out more about it at NewLife.com. But Becky, why don't you help Cashus here, because what kind of a counselor would he need for this kind of help?

Becky Brown: Well, Cashus, first of all, I'm grateful that you're even asking for how do you get help and I'm wondering how long this has been a challenge for you and did you just come to the realization that it's not something that you can control?

Cashus: That's right. I've tried things like accountability calls and you know, I've been clean for six months until, you know, it collapsed like the Soviet Union in 1991.

Becky Brown: Yeah, we remember that. You know, Cashus, one of the things that we talk about at Every Man's Battle is understanding what's driving the addiction or the use. And many times what people don't realize is that it is an intimacy disorder. And I don't know if you've done any reading on what causes this. And then you've got the whole problem with algorithms that once you start down this journey, it feeds you.

And so as far as a coach or a counselor, I would say you have to get to the understanding of why this is occurring. When did it start? Where, you know, there's just having that storyline. And one thing that obviously I would recommend is going to Every Man's Battle. It's intensive, you'll find community and connection there.

We also have an Every Man's Battle podcast that you can listen to right now that's free. You can get it wherever you listen to podcasts and you'll hear JJ West, who's our presenter at Every Man's Battle, as well as Doug Barnes, who is one of our facilitators there, talk about a lot of the different things that cause this. And we can get you connected with a counselor who can help you begin the journey even before you go to Every Man's Battle. But you know, the biggest challenge with pornography addiction is that you're right, you can be clean for like six months, but those pictures are in your head. It's affected the way that you connect with other people. I don't know if you've had that experience yet.

Cashus: Oh, I know that too well.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, it creates a wedge with relationships. I mean, there's no female that can compete with those images. And it's a lot of times, you know, and what we get at the workshop is the shame that you experience as a result of it and the feelings often of low self-esteem, worthlessness, being unworthy that often are part of what drives it. And so.

Becky Brown: Well, I'm wondering too, Cashus, about when you were first exposed to pornography.

Cashus: I can't remember when, I could give a rough estimate, probably when I was in like middle school or maybe earlier.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: So then it became a way of coping for you from a young age.

Cashus: That's right.

Becky Brown: And then, well, the other part is how do you know that you're addicted? Is it just a problem or have you gotten into trouble because of your porn use?

Cashus: Yes, I would say I've gotten into trouble because, and here's the kicker, I'm in my 20s, I'm interested in like a romantic relationship, but with this plaguing in my mind, I can't really...

Becky Brown: That's right. And Cashus, one of the things that we teach women is when you're dating, you want to ask the man, what is your experience with pornography or sexual integrity issues? Because it's very important to start a good healthy relationship with truth. And it's not that you can't ever have looked at porn, it's the honest answer of "This has been my experience, this is what I did to deal with the compulsion or the addiction and I've got accountability and I've been clean and sober for whatever number of days, years, months, whatever. And I have a community with other men who encourage me to be the man that God wants me to be."

Brian Perez: I think that's interesting, Becky, that you encourage women to ask the men. But like when? Is that a first date question, a second date question? I mean, I would think that if you ask right away, it could scare someone away. I don't know. When do you?

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Yeah, well, I remember Steve saying that to me, you know, "Oh, you're dating someone, you need to ask them this." And I'm like, "Whoa, really? Okay." Yeah. And it is important.

Becky Brown: It is important, Cashus, here's the thing. When you work through this and you become a man of integrity, it will be the foundation of a good life. It really, you can't diminish the value of doing your work and doing your healing. It is the greatest gift that you can give your future wife. I just recently had a conversation with a wife whose current husband did not give an authentic answer when they were dating. She asked, "What is your experience?" And he said, "Oh, I you know, dealt with that long ago, don't have any problem." Only to find out that he still has a current addiction and it's ripping their marriage apart.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: You know, and a lot of times, Becky, men think, and Cashus, I'm hearing you not doing this, men think, "Well, if I just get married, that'll solve everything, right? Then I can have sex and then it'll be fine." And that doesn't cure it.

Becky Brown: Right. The interesting thing is it's not a sexual problem. It just is the way that it occurs and it's an intimacy disorder. And a lot of times there's a lot of wounds, sometimes there's often father wounds and things at the core. Has that given you some insight, Cashus?

Cashus: Yes. What was that group called again?

Brian Perez: Every Man's Battle. So we have a book, "Every Man's Battle," that you can get at our NewLife.com store. We have a Bible, we have a podcast. Because this is one of the number one things we deal with, this sexual integrity issue. And then we have the workshop that really, it is 48 hours that will change your life. It's the best way to get a kick-start into recovery.

Dr. Jill Hubbard: Isn't it 72 hours? Because it's over three days.

Becky Brown: No, it's about 40, yeah, but it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

Brian Perez: Friday to Sunday. And it's not midnight to midnight three days. You get breaks in there, yes. So Cashus, the next one begins January 23rd in Orange County, California. It's a workshop, you're there with other guys who are also going through everything. And yeah, it's a no-shame zone, as we like to say here at New Life Live, because a lot of this stuff that you're doing, you might be doing it in secret, nobody wants you to know, you don't want anybody to know about it. But you're in a room full of other guys that are going through it as well and they all want help. So we strongly suggest that you sign up for this. If you sign up before next Friday, you'll get the early bird discount. So find out more about it at NewLife.com. That's also where you can go to purchase these resources from the NewLife.com store. The podcast is free. The new season begins in just a few days, I think on Monday the 5th, so you can watch seasons one and two this weekend. So God bless you, Cashus. Thank you for calling in today to New Life Live. And I love too that Becky told Jenny to pray for each of her kids, not just a general, "God, I pray for my kids," but no, each one of them individually. I think that's great. So Jenny, thanks for calling in today to New Life Live. And that's all the time we have on today's episode of the program. We'll be back with you tomorrow. God bless you. Thank you for watching, thanks for listening, thanks for praying for us as we pray for you. And of course, Happy New Year.

Voiceover: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. And thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.