New Life LIVE

New Life: Welcome to the New Life LIVE podcast. We hope to provide help and hope in your life through God's word, counselors, and psychologists as we answer questions from listeners who call with the challenges of life. Let's go to today's episode.

Brian Perez: Hello, and welcome to the show. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today, and we're so grateful to have you listening and watching. I'm Brian Perez, and if you keep getting tackled and sacked in life, we are here to help you put some victories into your win column.

1-800-229-3000 is our number. No question is off limits. The only thing between you and progress is fear. Don't let it win today. Here to help you are licensed marriage and family therapist Mark Cameron and licensed professional clinical counselor Becky Brown, who is also the president of New Life Ministries. Hello to you both. Becky, what do you have to start us off with today?

Becky Brown: The most dangerous thing on earth is justifiable resentment. By definition, resentment is indignation or ill will felt as a result of a real or imagined grievance. We've all experienced it. All of us have been resentful about something. We've all experienced ill will from somebody else or some experience, and we know resentful people.

Are you full of resentment? How do you know? You might be full of resentment if you have a negative attitude, if you are irritated about all the things in life because there's so much to be irritated about. You might have a narrative in your head saying, "It shouldn't be like this," or "It shouldn't be like that." You may be consumed with setting the record straight.

Resentment can eat you alive from the inside out. You might have some validity; there might be some truth to your resentment. When we talk about justifiable resentment, it's actually based on real circumstances, horrible and painful experiences where you have been the victim. If you shared the story with somebody, they would say, "I don't blame you. You deserve to feel all the feelings that you feel."

We know people like that. But what happens is when that becomes our way of life, it eats us up. You've all heard the saying that resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the rat to die. We need to get rid of it. In Ephesians 4:31, it says to get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander. Those all fit in line with resentment.

How do you do that when the thing that you've experienced has been so painful? There are so many stories that we hear, and we're going to hear some today when you call us at 1-800-229-3000. We're going to say we don't blame you for feeling that way. We understand that the pain that was caused feels like you'll never get over it.

But God invites us into freedom, and He says He has a way for you to get out of this. We've heard those stories too. We've heard transformation stories where you think, "How in the world did they get through that? How did they get over it?"

What I want to invite you into is if there is some place where justifiable resentment is eating you alive, let's let it go. It's not going to be easy. It's not a matter of just not thinking about it anymore or not feeling about it anymore. It's literally getting through a process. Steve Arterburn wrote about this in Healing Is a Choice.

The book has made a difference in the challenges that so many people have experienced. It's choosing to step into that healing process. We've been helping people for close to 40 years now step into that healing process. If you're struggling, whether it is justifiable resentment or just a little bit of resentment, we can help.

Brian Perez: Give us a call at 1-800-229-3000. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today. Thank you, Becky Brown, for those opening remarks. Becca, you will be up first next on New Life LIVE.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. One call to New Life LIVE can change everything. Give us a call at 1-800-229-3000 for some free advice.

I've got a trick question for you, so careful how you answer. True or false: the opposite of acting out is acting in? Today on a new episode of the Every Man's Battle podcast, JJ West and Doug Barnes unpacked "acting in," the often-ignored twin of acting out.

This episode helps you recognize those patterns to see how acting in and acting out are two sides of the same coin. Could you be acting in and not even realize it? Maybe. You'd better find out. Find the Every Man's Battle podcast on our YouTube channel, your podcast platform of choice, at NewLife.com, or on the New Life app.

To the phones we go now. 1-800-229-3000 with Becca, who watches us on NRBTV. Welcome, Becca, to New Life LIVE. Thanks for listening there in South Bend, Indiana.

Becca: Hi, thank you for taking my call. My husband and I need to know how to step in to help or when to step in. My daughter-in-law experiences extreme anxiety at times. She's on bupropion and she was on a second medication which I don't remember what it was.

The short of it is she's having a spiraling event recently due to germphobia that she has. Her family was sick, they started to get better, and then they got round two of the flu to the point where she washes her hands until they are like raw, red, cracking. She is trying to clean everything and won't hug. She quarantined my 12-year-old grandson to his room. It's just beyond normal.

In fact, we have a fairly decent relationship. She was a premie, so her background going way back is a little bit different than most people's. She wasn't really handled until she was like nine months old because she was extremely premie and had a tracheostomy and so on.

Fast forward to now. When this happens, when the family is sick, it can put her into overdrive. She literally last week was asking me what is normal. She says, "I don't know how to think." She's fairly honest and transparent with me, but when she's spiraling, I don't want to make anything worse.

I come to her aid and have made some meals for the family and helped her clean whatever she asked me of. In fact, our grandson was here at our house because I got a phone call Monday evening from my son saying, "We just need to get out of the house." He came over with the grandson just to be out of the house because the grandson was sick and his mom just couldn't deal with it.

Becky Brown: Becca, that is very common when people experience anxiety at a core level. Has she recognized that she has probably OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? Does she see that in herself?

Becca: Oh, yes. She's had other bouts through her life. There's a lot of other things going on in their family currently. My son lost his job last December, so he's unemployed from a normal job. He's doing DoorDash and making more money than he was at the last job, but there's no health insurance.

My grandson has challenges socially. He is not at a social level that he should be. When his mom is out of whack, it really affects him. He gets teased at school. He's in seventh grade currently and struggling in some areas. He's a sweet kid, but he gets picked on because he doesn't behave like a normal seventh grader would.

Mark Cameron: Has your daughter always had these OCD tendencies and anxious tendencies?

Becca: Yes.

Mark Cameron: And she's on medication, so she's under the care of a psychiatrist or physician. Is she in therapy? Has she done therapy?

Becca: She has years ago, but then their funds just decided they needed to cut that off. It's probably been five years ago since she was in it. They were just going to get into therapy where you face your fears. What is that called?

Mark Cameron: Exposure therapy. In terms of how you help her, I think that would maybe be the best way, either to help support her in therapy to pay for that or help her find therapy or be willing to go to therapy with her.

You were able to put a really good connection together here. You said that she was a premie and she wasn't handled until nine months old. That's all about not wanting to pass infection onto a baby because they're so fragile in those moments.

Then I hear you say that she quarantined her son when he got sick, so she basically went and did the same thing to him as what happened to her. Even though we don't have narrative memories as babies, we still form memories. They're called implicit memories. They're bodily feeling memories.

That's what it sounds like is a good possibility of what's happened with her. She's just been anxious from the start. When babies come out of the womb and they're premies, not only do they not get the touch and the comfort, but they usually get stuck with a bunch of needles and things like that.

It's just a very uncomfortable start to life. I would guess her going to explore the root of these issues and processing through that, as well as exposure-type therapy too, would help. Exposure-type therapy is really just dealing with the surface-level stuff, how to become more tolerant of these things. But we also know that there's a deeper underlying root cause to it. If you can go and understand the root cause to it, that helps you cognitively challenge and be able to do the exposure-type therapy too.

Becky Brown: Becca, do you have other kids?

Becca: Yes, we had three sons and they're all married and they have grandkids.

Becky Brown: I imagine this impacts the whole family. Does it impact you the most?

Becca: Yes, probably. We're the closest to my son and his wife.

Becky Brown: The reason why I'm asking all these questions is because we have to have an understanding with them and with you because this is distressful for you as well. Everybody's feeling it, which is pretty indicative of anxiety in general. It's kind of contagious.

When it gets to the level that your daughter-in-law is experiencing, there needs to be common conversation because that also can relieve some of the anxiety that she's feeling. She already has an awareness that her irrational behavior and thinking is problematic. But it's very hard when that loop starts to disrupt the loop.

It does require therapy. You could take medicine the rest of your life and it would calm down some of it, but the behavior will continue because it's the way that they're trying to make their environment safe.

I'm wondering, in this time where your son lost his job, maybe this is something that you and your husband say, "Let's do some family therapy so that I can support you in the way that works best for you. You can support your grandson." To have a path going forward, not that we're going to eradicate this, it could be. I've known people that have gotten through severe anxiety and gotten out on the other side. But it's how do we interact with each other and support one another in these times. I imagine your son losing his job and then now doing these other jobs, the whole family has been disrupted. We have to find a path forward.

Mark Cameron: The last thing that I would add is look at your part in this too. If you keep going and rescuing, you may be unintentionally exacerbating the issue or continuing on the cycle. Typically, when somebody is in this type of stuckness, there is a codependency cycle that goes on with loved ones around them. Think about what role that you might be unintentionally playing and then change that part of the cycle for you. That's oftentimes what gives the motivation to the other person because then they get challenged like, "Oh, it's not working anymore. I can't keep doing what I'm doing because now there's a challenge," and that is often what pushes them into recovery.

Brian Perez: Becca, thank you so much for your phone call today here on New Life LIVE. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. Now we're going to speak with Jennifer in Cincinnati, listening on WCVX. Welcome, Jennifer, to New Life LIVE.

Jennifer: Hello, how are y'all?

Brian Perez: Doing well, thanks. How can we help you?

Jennifer: I was listening to part of the program that you had and you were talking about resentment. That's kind of something I've realized I've been in. The situation is in a marriage over 30 years in the police world.

There's been so much going on for so many years that I've been asked to look into, like PTSD. He's been asked to get treatment, counseling, things like that, and it never happened. When he retired, everything just kind of blew up and got worse.

It's been almost 10 years now since the retirement, and it finally got to a point to where I just broke. I'm like, I don't want to live in this anymore. I mean, I've got over half my life, a lot of sacrifice, a lot of investment, a lot of things. It took me moving out for him to finally get a counselor. He got a counselor, but it's not one that is trained in trauma or PTSD or any of those kind of things, just a counselor. That's been going on a little over six months or more, and there's still not change.

I know I'm trying to be responsible and accountable for me, and I can't change him. I can't make him do anything; he has to want to. But I really don't want this relationship to end, but also I feel like I need to survive.

Becky Brown: Jennifer, what is the big trauma that you are experiencing? If you would just describe that quickly. Has there been abuse?

Jennifer: No, more like a lack of empathy, a lack of emotional intelligence, a lack of support, very controlling, all of those things.

Becky Brown: Okay, that helps, just trying to process what is happening to him as a result of whatever trauma he experienced on the force or also before he went to work as a policeman.

Jennifer: All of the above.

Brian Perez: Jennifer, we'll continue talking to you when we come back from the break here on New Life LIVE. We'd love to talk to you as well. 1-800-229-3000 is our number. We're going to be in the studio for two hours today, so call in to New Life LIVE.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. Let's continue talking to Jennifer in Cincinnati. Mark, what did you want to ask Jennifer?

Mark Cameron: Jennifer, I certainly empathize with your situation here. I can understand that. I've seen emergency responders and friends who are police officers, former police officers, and they definitely see a lot of hard stuff. It's hard to pack that away.

In order to deal with life, you actually have to just pack that away and move it aside so that you can go to the next call, so that you can keep on dealing with life. But you can only do that for so long, and then it catches up with you. This is a response to trauma, basically, is what he's done, moving that all to the side.

He needs to be able to get that out, but because he's been practicing that for so long, it's so hard. He's got this issue that he's dealing with, and there could possibly be depression underneath all of this too. After years and years of dealing with that, in males often depression comes out as anger.

But what we do know too is that every marriage has a core pattern to it where both partners are part of an ongoing cycle. I hear you saying that you've required him to go to therapy. Have you guys tried therapy together?

Jennifer: We have, several times.

Mark Cameron: And so how did that break down? How did that end?

Jennifer: He's not honest and forthcoming. When we're in the session, he knows exactly what to say and how to say it.

Mark Cameron: To pacify the therapist?

Jennifer: Yeah.

Mark Cameron: But aren't you there to speak up to say that's not working, we've tried that?

Jennifer: I do. And he says, "Well, I can acknowledge that maybe that's an issue," and then they're satisfied with that. But when we get home, acknowledging what the issue was or what the change was never happens.

Mark Cameron: You really need probably to try a different approach here. Have you ever read the book How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich?

Jennifer: Absolutely. And attachment styles and all of that, yes. I'm avoidant; he is... I forgot.

Mark Cameron: Well, they're all insecure apart from secure attachment. But yes, you know that there's a core pattern that our attachment styles affect our relationships, and each of us has a part to that, and it's reinforcing. One reinforces the other.

If there's a pursuer and a distancer, the more the person pursues, the more the other person distances. The more the person distances, the more the other person pursues. It's learning to be able to come together and confront that dynamic in secure bonding. We have Intimacy in Marriage coming up just at the end of this week here. Have you ever been to that?

Jennifer: I have not been able to afford that, unfortunately. I have heard of it and heard great things about it.

Brian Perez: We have scholarships too.

Mark Cameron: That's what we do at Intimacy in Marriage. It's based off Milan and Kay's work from their book How We Love, and it does take a skilled therapist to be able to help somebody move through that process so that they're not just saying, "Oh yeah, I'll do the work," and then it doesn't happen. Each of us has a part in this. What do you think he needs from you to support him through this, his recovery?

Jennifer: That's a really good question that I wish I had the answer to. In all the things that I've studied and I've seen a counselor myself individually and still do, I've done everything I know to do. Everything I know to do. I'm at the point now to where I'm just done. I don't want to be done, but I'm done. My soul is not in it. I'm exhausted and weary, and the "want to" is no longer there.

Mark Cameron: That's hard to move from a place of being done to then a place of support and commitment and care. I wonder if you're actually more of the vacillator than the avoider. What happens is vacillators often say "I'm done" and then they detach, and then they can think, "I'm an avoider." But really they're a detaching vacillator.

You can't move towards someone if you're at the same time moving away from someone. The vacillator in traditional research is called the ambivalent; they have conflicting emotions. So here you say, "I'm done. I can't do this anymore," and then on the other hand, earlier you said, "But I don't want to, you know, I've invested so much." It's just not going to happen by itself. Maybe you start with that question: what does he need from me, what support does he need?

If you are pulling away, and I get it, sometimes we do need to set a boundary and we do need to separate to create certain boundaries when harm is happening, but you might also consider how that could feel abandoning to him and he feels alone and not knowing what to do in his recovery.

Becky Brown: Jennifer, I just wanted to ask one more question. Is he interested in staying? Because that's another question that needs to be answered.

Jennifer: Yes.

Becky Brown: I think you guys have couples counseling in your future with somebody who understands attachment styles. Jennifer, you guys need to go to Intimacy in Marriage. See us there this weekend. We'll stay on and we'll get you connected with both of those things. We'll get you the scholarship information. But this is not something that is done yet, even though you feel done. There's still work to do.

Mark Cameron: Well, there's a lot of hope because he's willing to stay.

Brian Perez: Jennifer, stay on the phone and we'll talk to you about Intimacy in Marriage and I'll tell you guys all about Intimacy in Marriage when we come back.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. We've been talking about Intimacy in Marriage a lot because we have seen the impact it has. We want every struggling marriage to have the same breakthrough that Eric found when he attended.

Listen to what he said: "My marriage was on its last leg with no hope and no direction. When my wife told me about the Intimacy in Marriage weekend, I was inches away from a divorce. But now I want to try. I want to be a better husband, a better father. I want to change my family tree. I want to be more like Christ and give my family a life worth living. Thank you for saving my life."

Wow. If you visit NewLife.com to register, you can get more details about the next one, which is this weekend in Orange County, California. It is not too late to sign up. This weekend is Valentine's Day. The guys are like, "Uh oh." But seriously, if you're not looking forward to the holiday this year, either because it'll be your first one by yourself or you'll be alone again, let us help you. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to reach us in the studio for the rest of this hour and all of next.

Jump on the lines. 1-800-229-3000. Let's talk really quick, Becky, about these scholarships that we offer. Our previous caller, Jennifer, was excited to hear about that.

Becky Brown: We have some incredibly generous donors who have specifically given to our scholarship fund. Many times it's because of what they experienced at one of our workshops. If financial challenges are keeping you from seeking the help, give us a call at 1-800-NEW-LIFE and talk to us about it. There are ways to get you there.

Especially I want to just say one more thing about Intimacy in Marriage in Orange County. I know those of you who are listening to us right now, you thought, "I don't know if it's going to make a difference." Listen, it will make a difference. I am astonished each and every time we present this workshop that couples find answers that they weren't even asking the right questions, and then they find answers that change everything about their family, just like what Eric said in this testimony. So come and join us there. Call us, make the phone call, and just get curious about what is possible for your marriage.

Brian Perez: 1-800-NEW-LIFE or NewLife.com to find out more about Intimacy in Marriage happening this weekend in Orange County, California. Let's go back to the phones. 1-800-229-3000. Here is Jessica, who listens to New Life LIVE on the Spotify podcast in Tampa, Florida. Welcome, Jessica.

Jessica: Hi, thank you. I have a question about marriage. My husband and I have been married for eight years. The last three have been rough. Due to changes in his behavior, I started suspecting he might possibly be seeing someone or cheating last year.

I asked him and he denied. Maybe this wasn't the best thing, but I started looking through his phone. Basically, in December, I found where he had invited a woman to his hotel room on a business trip in August. I confronted him about it. He admitted that they had sex, but he said that was the only time.

For the past couple of months, it's been very tumultuous for me emotionally. I'm a believer. He says he is, but he's kind of like in a backslidden state, not really seeking God the way he was when we first got married. So my question is, how do I know, because I know in the Bible adultery is a biblical reason that God allows for divorce, how do I know that God wants me or God would release me from this marriage versus standing for this marriage? We have not had kids.

Mark Cameron: I'm so sorry that this is going on, Jessica. Is this a second marriage for you guys?

Jessica: For him, but a first marriage for me.

Mark Cameron: And did his first marriage end because of a betrayal?

Jessica: He said that his first wife cheated on him.

Mark Cameron: Well, you cannot know if this has only been one time because he's been so secretive. From what I'm hearing from you, it doesn't sound like he's so devastated at what he's done that he sees how hurt you are and he's doing everything to win you back. Is that what's happening?

Jessica: He initially was very remorseful, but then we did see a therapist and I basically she asked me what I would need to reconcile or stay in this marriage. I asked for full transparency with his phone, and I asked for him to find a local job versus traveling, and then for us to bring God back into the center of our marriage. He basically says that he feels like I'm trying to micromanage him and there's just been a lot of resistance.

Mark Cameron: All of these things that you have asked for, those are reasonable. Those are things that you need to feel safe. It is true that it can feel micromanaged. He needs to, as being the person who's done the betraying, he needs to submit to a greater level of transparency than you do because you've done nothing to show that you're unfaithful and he's done everything to show that he is.

Part of healing in this is for the unfaithful person to submit to that transparency, but to do it willingly. When they do it with resistance, even if they're not continuing to have an affair, but when they do that with resistance, it just reminds you of the hidden-type behavior that kept you unsafe before.

To go back to your other question, God is a God of restoration, but He doesn't force Himself upon us either. He leaves that door as a way open, but we have to come to Him and we have to be repentant to receive the free gift of grace and forgiveness.

When an affair happens, you need to go through betrayal recovery, and that's the only way you're going to get to healing. There is no other way but to go through this process like you're asking of full complete transparency and him committing to everything that you need to feel safe before you can then address the greater marriage problems that are there in the relationship. You're never responsible for somebody cheating on you, but affairs are symptoms of marriage problems too. But those can't be addressed until the affair is addressed.

Becky Brown: I can't say anymore about it than what you just said, Mark. But I do want to gift you, Jessica, a free registration for our upcoming webinar, From Pain to Peace: Healing from Betrayal. I think there's a lot of insight that you still need to gain.

But I also just want to reiterate that if he is resistant to being open and honest, I'll ask you the same question that I asked the previous caller: does he want to stay married? Because when he says something like you're micromanaging, I mean, what does he want you to do? Does he want to stay married, Jessica?

Jessica: He says he does, but I don't know if this is out of convenience or what.

Becky Brown: Well, talk about attachment. He's definitely an avoider. He works away from home, he doesn't want you to mess with anything that's his. You guys don't have a connection. Has it always been like this from day one eight years ago?

Jessica: No, it hasn't. The travel started about in 2022 and then slowly he's just become more and more detached.

Becky Brown: Yeah, he's just detached. I think before you make the decision to divorce, it will be very important for you to do everything that you can to save it, to understand what's going on and invite him into the process. Then if he still decides that's not what he's going to be willing to do, I don't know that you have any other choice. But it's a long road from here to there. But I think you'll get some insight.

Jessica, I want you to be aware of this. This is painful for you. You sound pretty calm, but I know that this is a lot internally, isn't it?

Jessica: It is.

Becky Brown: It's real important for you to have people around you that love you, support you, and that you don't feel alone. We want you to have connection with people who can help you deal with some of the challenges that come with a situation like this. We'll be praying for you.

Mark Cameron: You may need your own therapist too to help guide you through this because it won't be micromanaging to him if he's holding himself accountable. If he really has been the victim of betrayal before, he should know how that feels. He should be willing, knowing what he needed in that process. He could watch the betrayal webinar with you.

Brian Perez: That's true. It's happening two weeks from this Thursday, so February 26th at 7:00 PM Central Time. We can get you registered, Jessica. Everyone else can register by texting the word WEBINAR to 28950 and you'll get a free tip sheet as well.

To find out more information about New Life or to order any of the resources mentioned on today's program, call 1-800-NEW-LIFE. Now back to New Life LIVE. If you were watching or listening last week on Wednesday, you heard New Life President Becky Brown talk about our new monthly giving initiative. It's called 99 for One. The name does not imply you have to give $99 a month, does it, Becky?

Becky Brown: No, but you can. 99 for One, of course, is based off of Luke 15, the story where Jesus talks about the shepherd that leaves the 99 and goes and rescues the one and celebrates when they return home.

Here at New Life, for close to 40 years, we have been helping people who are lost in relationships, lost in addiction, lost in the struggles of everyday life. Our donors who are part of 99 for One know that what we do at New Life is worth the investment. They want to be part of what God is doing. Maybe they've been a one and they've had the help from New Life, and so that's why they want to invest in what God is doing. They also know that there are so many people that need the help and they want to be part of being a help to those who are struggling. I invite you to be part of 99 for One partners. Your monthly gift will sustain all the help that we are giving to so many people right now.

Brian Perez: You can learn more right now at NewLife.com/9941. You can sign up there. I think it'd be great if we could get 99 new 99 for One sign-ups every day. A monthly gift of any amount makes you a partner. NewLife.com/9941. To the phones now, 1-800-229-3000. Here is Rena in Pensacola listening on WEGS. Rena, go ahead.

Rena: Hi. I am calling about the resentment portion of the program today. A little bit of back history. My mom, that's who I lived with, she grew up in foster care, which she had some developmental delays and things like that academically, mental health challenges, and stuff, but she managed to raise three children.

We've grown up now, but the household was very toxic and dysfunctional. We did not have our emotional needs attended to, mostly very aggressive, and she was just surviving and making do. Now fast forward, I'm 40 and I have a son. I started therapy about a year ago. It's due to me as a result of all of the things in my upbringing, having my own struggles and things that I'm trying to work through.

But there's resentment in that because I feel like I grieve my mom, that my mom can't be. There's an unfulfillment that I feel like I have that's very hard for me to move past. Because she has some diagnosis herself, sometimes it seems like she's aware and taking accountability and other times it seems like she's in denial and not taking accountability or shifting blame and things like that.

I recently had asked her to go to therapy, and she has not made a decision. I had to start creating boundaries and things like that because the dysfunctional cycle and the toxic cycle just continues if I don't. But emotionally, it's just hard to move past. It's hard to see myself as worthwhile. I'm struggling with self-esteem and value because of so much parental lack in my life.

Becky Brown: Rena, my heart breaks for you, but I want to encourage you that there is hope. You have great understanding of what the issues are. That's half the hurdle, to really make sense of things that are so confusing. You have a clear understanding that your mom couldn't give you what you needed because she didn't get what she needed.

This is the human condition, but you also said something that's really important. The grief that you carry must be processed. What we think so many times is that when we grieve something, it's going to be corrected, like somehow you're going to get the mom that you needed, wanted, deserved. That's not going to happen.

But what will happen is you will get clarity so that that resentment that you have gets out of the way so that you can move into acceptance, that you will understand the limitations. But you will also begin to pour into your own child in a way that you create a solid connection, that you have secure attachment. You will have healing for the past. Understanding our story is so helpful for our present and our future, and it's one step at a time. I would just say one more thing: your mom isn't going to be the answer to this. It will be your work, Rena, that will impact this process.

Mark Cameron: Rena, I'm so impressed about how emotionally aware you are of the problem and you're able to also articulate it. Growing up was about survival, and it probably was about survival for your mom too. The fact that you are grieving not having the mom that you could have had, that you wished you had, it's probably the same for her too.

The sad thing is we can't give what we don't have. Attachment is programming. We all have an attachment style and it gets developed from the attachments that we have with our first caregivers. The good news about attachment research is that if you didn't get a secure attachment style, you can earn one in adulthood.

It starts with making sense of your story, or the research language is building a coherent narrative. I talk about this in my book, Understanding Your Attachment Style. I think getting into therapy with an attachment-based therapist is good. If you can get into therapy, if you can learn how to make sense of your story, then maybe it's from there inviting your mom into a session with you if she's willing to do that.

If she's not willing to go by herself, she might be willing to come in as a collateral, meaning she's not the target of therapy but she's coming in to help you. That might feel a little bit safer. Then the therapist might be able to facilitate some discussion from there. Or at the very least, your therapist will be able to help you with language to be able to hold boundaries and to say different things.

Boundaries are not just pushing someone away and saying this is my limit; if you cross it, this is the consequence that's going to happen. Boundaries also have an invitation that says, "Okay, this is the way that I'm willing to engage with you." When we put up boundaries, if limitations come but your mom has an invitation of how to enter in, that could be the momentum for her to be able to make her own growth efforts even if right now she doesn't have that internal motivation to do so.

Becky Brown: Rena, your story is valid. It's important and you're making sense of it. In making sense of it, there will be grief and that's okay. But there will also be hope as you get a new vision for your future. We want to help you in any way possible, and we can get you connected with a therapist that does attachment therapy as well.

Brian Perez: Stay on the phone, Rena. We want to send you a copy of a tip sheet called How to Identify Your Attachment Style. That's available to anyone who calls us at 1-800-NEW-LIFE. In the NewLife.com store, you can purchase Mark Cameron's book Understanding Your Attachment Style.

Becky, you seem to have hit something when you started the show talking about resentment and justifiable resentment. If anybody else wants to talk about that topic or any other topic, we're going to be here in the studio for another hour. We would love to chat with you. 1-800-229-3000 is the number to call. God bless you guys. Thanks for watching and listening today.

New Life: Thanks so much for listening. We hope something you heard will help you live in freedom today. If this content was helpful for you, we would love it if you would take a minute, leave a review, post about it, and rate it. Remember, we have resources and workshops online for you as you continue your journey. Go to NewLife.com to find out more information. Thank you for being part of the New Life community. We know that God desires all of us to live a life of wholeness and healing, and we're so glad that you're here.