New Life LIVE

Brian Perez: Hi, it's Brian Perez, welcoming you to New Life LIVE and joining me in the studio for two hours today are licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Jackie Mack Harris. Hi, Jackie.

Jackie Mack Harris: Hi.

Brian Perez: And clinical psychologist Dr. Alice Benton. Hello.

Alice Benton: Hi.

Brian Perez: 1-800-229-3000 is our number, but first, we've got a very important message from the president of New Life Ministries, Becky Brown. Becky, what's the big news?

Becky Brown: Well, hello everybody. I am so excited to launch our 99 for the One partner initiative. Every day, we hear from people all over the world, literally, who are looking for hope. They've been lost in a relationship struggle, addiction, anxiety, depression, all kinds of ways, and it reminds us of the story in Luke 15 where Jesus is talking about the shepherd that has a herd of a hundred and one goes missing. He leaves the 99 to go rescue the one and celebrates when they come back.

We've seen God work in the lives of so many people over the years here at New Life and we want to invite you to be part of what God is doing. 99 for the One is our partner program that you can give to the ministry on a monthly basis to make sure that we continue to reach out to the lost. When you think about the people who are maybe tuning in today and listening to New Life LIVE and they hear the hope that there is redemption possible, there is a pathway forward.

It reminds me of how when we look at the places where we've been lost in our lives and someone gave us the light to show us the way back home, show us to a new life, and that's what we've been doing for close to 40 years. I want to invite you to be part of 99 for the One. It is changing people's lives. We're reaching globally and we hear the stories from people every day.

We're going to hear them today as we get the callers calling in, asking for direction, asking for hope and receiving grace as well as truth, God's truth, and compassion and a way forward. Won't you join today, 99 for the One? We're going to rescue the one and restore the many. It's what we've been doing here at New Life for almost 40 years and we're going to continue to do it with your help.

I want to say thank you in advance. I want to invite you to be part of this initiative that's going to change the lives of so many people. Brian, I know that you're going to tell them how to do 99 for the One.

Brian Perez: Of course I am. You can call 1-800-New-Life or you can go to the page that we've set up just for this. It's newlife.com/99for1. Again, 1-800-New-Life or newlife.com/99for1. Now Becky, quick question. Anybody who's in our current monthly giving, do they have to do anything?

Becky Brown: It's a great question, Brian. If you are in the group formerly known as Club New Life, guess what? You are already part of 99 for One. We are shifting our attention to create this partnership where it says exactly what you're doing. A lot of times when we think about giving, we think, "What's in it for me?" but I know your heart is what's in it for those that we are reaching out for to give help and hope for people who are lost.

Leaving the 99 for the one sounds crazy until you are that one, and every person has a future and we want to be part of that. If you are already part of Club New Life, thank you, but now we're shifting you and you are 99 for One. We'll keep talking about this. We'll keep inviting you to be part of what God is doing through New Life. You are going to continue to transform lives and experience what God has for every person.

Brian Perez: That's right. Every day someone listens to New Life LIVE, signs up for a New Life intensive, joins a recovery group, or connects with a counselor at their breaking point and it's because of partners like you. They don't have to face their darkest moments alone. So call 1-800-New-Life or go to newlife.com/99for1.

If you're feeling anxious or stuck, your breakthrough can start today with one call to 1-800-229-3000. If you can't call into the show when we're here, which by the way, we're going to be in the studio for two hours today and we would love to speak to you at 1-800-229-3000, you can also submit your question as an email or leave us a voicemail.

The instructions for doing that are on our website, newlife.com/radio. Go there and you'll see the phone number where you can leave a voicemail. It's different than the 1-800-229-3000 and you'll see the email address as well. We did receive an email here from Alexis in Rochester, New York. Her question is, "How do I determine if or when to introduce my seven children, aged six months to 13 years, to my estranged mom?"

Alexis writes, "My mom has been estranged for 12 years. My oldest son was a year old at the beginning of the estrangement and apart from his first year, none of my children have had a relationship with her. Five of the seven have not met her. Here's what I've tried. During those 12 years, I've sent messages, letters, made phone calls, and offered to join her with a therapist to work on our issues. During those 12 years, I have been blocked from her phone and social media and never got responses to letters I sent.

Christmas of 2021, I sent a certified receipt letter to her asking if she would meet with me and a therapist. Sometime after that point, she unblocked me from her phone and began to ask to meet my children. When I insisted that she and I do counseling together before I would introduce my family to her, she initially refused. After another few years of silence or angry text messages, she finally agreed to meet for therapy in early 2024.

The day before the meeting was scheduled, the therapist informed me that the meeting was canceled because my mom had not completed her intake form. Currently, two years and another baby later, she still wants to meet her grandchildren and is angry at me for the atrocity of the wrong I'm doing to her by not allowing her access to them. I don't want to expose my children to the yet unresolved volatile connection with my mom. I don't trust her to provide a stable, consistent relationship for my children because I didn't and don't have that with her myself."

Wow, Jackie, where do we start on this?

Jackie Mack Harris: The question from Alexis is how do I determine if or when. I think she's done a lot to determine if she should meet with her mother. She put a lot of work and effort in, and if she should allow her children to meet her mother. It's such a sad situation, but it doesn't sound like mom is any different than Alexis has experienced her to be. I think that's the evidence that it's not time yet.

What I would say, Alexis, is when you have had your boundaries respected, when the requests for family therapy have happened and you feel that you have done the work and there has been growth and that it would be safe for your children. Right now, it doesn't sound like they would enter into a safe, healthy relationship with her.

It just sounds like anger and entitlement, which she isn't actually entitled to have access to your children if you as their mother don't feel that she's a safe, healthy relationship for them. I know this has to be incredibly hard, but I do applaud you for your strength in continuing to try to have a relationship with your mother and she just isn't able or willing to meet your request. Therefore, I would say she's not ready to meet your children.

Alice Benton: Alexis, if I told you that my father was physically abusive in my childhood, so I distanced myself from him, but I happened to have contact with him recently and he hit me again right across the face and then he told me, "I really want to meet your kids and I promise I won't do to them what I have done to you. I'm better. I'm a changed man. I'm really sorry for what I have done." When should I let my children meet my dad?

You know the answer to that and it's why your radar has been so strong already. The answer is still not yet and tragically, maybe never. It all depends on your mom's willingness to show you consistently over a year and more that she is a changed woman, that she has become humble, sober, emotionally stable. Not even just getting evidence of that from her, because that's not enough, you can't trust her, but rather from a professional who can say, "I've been working with your mother. This is what I'm seeing in her.

She is able to take responsibility for how she treated you. She now has empathy for how her behavior affected you over all these years." Those are signs of a person becoming safe, and sadly, your mom's not showing any of those. I think what's really getting to you lately is that she's angry at you and accusing you of being a bad daughter, of not allowing her grandchildren to have access to her.

Your head knows that's not true, but because I think you're a good person who cares about your mom and wishes you could have contact between her and your children, that anger and those accusations get to you and you're doubting. "Am I being bad by doing this? Have I withheld them for too long?" You need voices like ours whom you can continue to check in with to say, "My mom was nice today. Now should they meet her?" You need voices like ours to say not yet and maybe never.

Jackie Mack Harris: It's hard to even say that, but the reality is you are responsible for parenting and protecting your children. You know this person. You know the damage that can be done in relationship with them. It is hard. I had an experience in my life where I cut off a family member and didn't talk to them for maybe decades, probably a couple decades, because I was protecting my children.

I didn't want my children to experience in relationship with this person what I had experienced. I just said, "No more. If anything ever happens and they need us, we will show up because we are family, but I'm not going to subject my children to being treated that way." That's where Alexis is.

Brian Perez: But what about honoring her mom? What if that Christian principle matters to her?

Jackie Mack Harris: I think that you have honored your mom. You've invited her. You have wanted to do therapy with her. You haven't bad-mouthed her. You are just saying we need to do some work before I can allow you in and I think that that does honor her. You're also protecting her and preventing her from causing harm to other people by not subjecting your children to her. I don't think honoring means subjecting yourself to danger and harm.

Alice Benton: You did present the way back, Alexis. "This is how, mom, one day you could meet my kids," and she's the one that kept canceling. She's the one who has not followed through, so she's given you your answer. "I'm not coming your way. I'm not willing to show myself to be a safer person. I'm still who I always have been."

We want salvation for her. We want sanctification for her. Jackie, a verse comes to mind that this is in Proverbs: if you save an angry man from the consequences of his behavior, he's going to continue to be an angry man. It's actually enabling an angry person to say, "Oh, come on over and go ahead, mistreat me again anyhow."

Then they get to and they will and they won't learn their lesson. Your mom has not hit her bottom yet. She's got a low bottom and some people never turn around. Keep your strong stance. Make sure you have sisters around you who will give you this kind of encouragement so that you can keep protecting your kids as you've done beautifully, tragically, but you've had to.

Jackie Mack Harris: I imagine she's probably heard callers who have called in and who are estranged and how hard that is for them and so that might prick her heart a bit. There are probably other people around who are telling her, "That's probably not okay. You mean you're never going to let your kids know your mom?"

Alexis, you have to remind yourself and maybe if these are safe people who you want to share with, express your experience is that she's not a safe person. People are thinking in generalities and can't fathom some of the things that we endure in our childhoods. For them, they think this is crazy. "Why would you not have your children meet your mother?" but they didn't live your life and experience that mother.

People will say, "Well, every mother loves their children and every grandmother." That's a fantasy you're living in, but I can't subject my children to danger because you have a judgment about my choice. Make sure you're surrounded by people who understand this dynamic and who aren't going to push you to subject your children to a dangerous situation because of some platitudes or some need for toxic positivity.

There is this idea that if we're going to honor our parent, we do whatever they want us to do and that we tolerate turning the other cheek. We tolerate mistreatment over and over and over again because we're a good Christian and that just isn't true because we're really just enabling them to continue to cause harm to themselves and others.

Alice Benton: I think it would be okay to stay simple, brief. "Mom, I pray for you. I hope you're doing well. Please let me know if you ever do go into therapy."

Jackie Mack Harris: I like the idea of waiting maybe a year and hearing from the professional therapist, "How's my mom doing?" as opposed to if mom sends a Christmas card or a Mother's Day card that's coming up before Christmas, so we'll talk about Mother's Day, if mom were to send Alexis a Mother's Day card and oh look, she reached out to me. Maybe she's safe now.

No, we got to see more fruit. We got to see proof that this isn't just a one-time thing. It's like the renegade employee who's always late to work and then one day they show up on time and they're like, "Hey, can I get a raise?" It's just wait a minute, hold on. One time. We got to see a pattern here.

Alice Benton: I have worked with addicts in recovery, even predators and perpetrators in recovery who were able to present well for a solid six months, present really well. They were allowed back in too close, too quickly, and then that facade fell away and the old behavior resurfaced. It can sound like six months, that's so long. A year, really? Yes, because we can act well for a period of time without having true character change.

Brian Perez: What about the two steps forward, three steps back? Or let's say after a year, progress is made and then they meet and everything goes well, but then something happens. Does the timeline start over again or is it just let's show a little bit of grace? I guess it just depends on—

Jackie Mack Harris: I think it depends and at that point we've re-engaged and so now we have a conflict that we need to address. How we move forward depends on how that conflict resolution period is responded to. If something happens and mom has backtracked or regressed in some way, we're going to have a conversation about that. We might even check in with our therapist about that and see what does she do with it. Can she own it? Can she acknowledge that she had hurt someone? Can she make amends? Is she going to take steps to repair? That's going to tell us how we move forward.

Alice Benton: It's experimental and it's by some trial and error because we can't expect perfection, but we have to have a certain level of safety and expectation. Being able to say, "I will try out a lunch with you out in public, just me or maybe my 13-year-old, but if some of these old behaviors continue then I'll have to back away again."

Brian Perez: Very good advice from Alice and Jackie today on New Life LIVE. We were reading Alexis's question she submitted online at newlife.com/radio. If you go to that page, you will see the email address where you can submit your question or the phone number where you can leave a voicemail. If you'd like to talk to them in person, well, not in person, but on the phone for the next two hours, give us a call here in the studio.

We would love to chat with you at 1-800-229-3000. We'll be back. Destructive patterns thrive in isolation and freedom requires more than sheer willpower. New Life Christian recovery groups offer the antidote, a safe place to shed the shame and get raw accountability rooted in biblical truth and the shared commitment to eradicate unhealthy behaviors once and for all.

You can visit newlife.com to learn more about life recovery or to connect to a community that won't let you settle. I love that, won't let you settle, because so often that's what we want to do. If we can just get by or whatever. But nope, not at the New Life recovery groups.

Alice Benton: Brian, I recommend that all of my individual clients get into a group, and I was a hard sell on this myself because I want to be by myself. I'm an isolator. It's not comfortable for me to open up to other people. But I came to realize and believe that true recovery can only happen with a community, and it really has to be more than just one.

Even just a therapist is fabulous, but not enough because that one person can't always be available to you. We all need a small group who know us well, who are willing to pour into us and to whom we also give and care when we can, when we're in that kind of season. Our life recovery groups, I was just referring someone last night and they're in a different state.

I was looking up on the website to give them the link and to know that our groups are safe, they're vetted, they follow our principles. If you're one of the lonely or one of the resistant like me and yet you know you're not far enough along in your recovery process, let us connect you with a safe sisterhood or brotherhood even there locally by you because our groups are all over the United States. We can get you plugged in and it will advance your healing process.

Jackie Mack Harris: I think that's so great. We need each other. We were created for relationship and healing happens in the context of relationship and it's a lot for one person. If you think about that best friend that you have that they bring everything to you and it's heavy and it's weighty and they need hours of your attention to help them through whatever is going on.

It's a lot for one person. You love them, you want to be there, you want to be supportive, but you don't have all the answers. You haven't had every experience. If you are part of a group, you've got that group's experience to pull from, that wisdom, probably variations on age and different philosophies, different types of work that people do, all of that can help change the narrative in your life as you're doing your growth work because you're taking in this new information.

It can get you in proximity to people you wouldn't normally not be in proximity with and I think that also that helps change our viewpoint, our worldview, our dynamic, and it's just such a great thing. Everybody needs a group and I think the life recovery group is one of the finest group platforms or programs that I know.

Alice Benton: I sent out an SOS to my group recently. My son had broken one of our screen rules and so I was disciplining him and he was angry at me and he was telling me I was wrong, I didn't understand him, I didn't listen, how could I do this to him? I'm a softie, a people pleaser, and a conflict avoider in recovery. I didn't want to stay in my son's bad graces.

I texted my group, "SOS help, am I doing the right thing? Would you encourage me? Would you tell me if you think I'm wrong?" Getting the group feedback and the group prayer helped me to stay strong in the right path. They also have corrected me at times to say, "Back off. You're being too hard."

I need a group sounding board and I'm part of the sounding board, especially if your family of origin can't or won't be that for you. That's that idea of God puts us in families. He puts the lonely in families, but the family's not going to come show up at your door. You got to get on the New Life website, you have to call us and we'll help connect you to a family.

Brian Perez: I love too it sounds like this family, the life recovery group, isn't always going to take your side. Just because you're part of the group, part of the family, this intimate six, eight, ten people, they're not going to say, "Alice, you did the right thing." They might actually say, "Back off, you didn't do the right thing."

Jackie Mack Harris: It's not an echo chamber.

Alice Benton: It's a grace and truth balance because too much of one or too much of the other aren't good for us. We need both.

Brian Perez: We are 35 days into the new year. I don't think anybody has kept their New Year's resolutions to this point. If you have, great, I'm so proud of you. Maybe the only person who has kept their resolutions is the one who said, "I am not making any resolutions this year," and you've stuck to that.

Why is it that sheer willpower isn't enough? Why do people say, "This year I'm going to get in shape, I'm going to stop drinking," whatever, but then within ten days or something, a lot of those resolutions are out the window?

Jackie Mack Harris: It is because in our mind, there's a part of us that genuinely believes we're going to do this thing and then there are other parts of our mind that knows absolutely not, I don't want to do that. In the moment when we make the statements, we're motivated, we are energetic, we're excited, we're looking forward, and then when the time actually comes to do, we realize it's going to take a different kind of energy to do it than it takes to think about it.

For some people, the thinking about it and naming it is as far as they get. Once you've said it for some people, it's done. It's why some people are like, "Well, I told you I was going to do that," and you're like, "Well, that's great that you told me you were going to do that, but you haven't done that and so I'm still waiting, that need still hasn't been met." It's human nature. We have parts that want to do things. It takes more than willpower though. It takes maybe some support.

Alice Benton: The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Why do I keep doing the very thing I don't want to do? The times my habits have stuck, my better habits have stuck with me, it's because I relied on other people, not just myself. I'm too weak on my own.

Brian Perez: You can find out more about life recovery groups, find one near you by going to our website newlife.com or you can call us and we'll guide you through the process. 1-800-New-Life is the number to call and life recovery groups, definitely something you need to look into. We'll go to the phones when we come back on New Life LIVE.

All right, let's go to the phones. Testing, testing, one, two, three. Kim, can you hear me?

Kim: Yes.

Brian Perez: Oh good. There's a reason I asked that. It turns out we're having some kind of technical thing, so we have to call you, which is weird because we don't have your phone number. Kim, we already got you. Everyone else who wants to call into New Life LIVE for the next hour and a half, here's what you got to do.

You got to call our other number, 1-800-New-Life, which is 1-800-639-5433. Call that number because that number's working and then we will call you from this number and then you can go on the air with us and we can chat. That's how we did it with Kim. Kim, we so appreciate you calling in today.

Alice Benton: You're our intrepid pioneer for the night, Kim. Thank you. How can we help you?

Kim: I can't believe it, I'm talking to some of my besties. I love you, Alice and Jackie and Brian. You are so funny, Brian.

Brian Perez: Thank you. Funny-looking, maybe. I just took a big sip of tea when we were off the air and then he cracked me up and that became problematic. Got it all over my shirt. No, I'm joking. Not that bad.

Kim: That's so funny. Unfortunately, I have a very sad situation that may sound like a soap opera storyline, so just bear with me. My sister is an alcoholic, but now she also has an inoperable brain tumor and right now, she's living in a homeless shelter.

My question is since she's been in and out of homeless shelters and she has a brain tumor, my mom doesn't know that my sister has a brain tumor. How can I help my sister and should I tell my mom that my sister has a brain tumor or do I just continue to keep that between my sisters and I?

Jackie Mack Harris: So you have other sisters? Your other sisters are aware. Is there a reason you all are keeping the information from mom? Has the sister with the inoperable brain tumor requested that you not tell her?

Kim: Yes, she asked that and I don't want to break that trust. At the same time, there's two different problems: there's her having the brain tumor and then her struggling with alcohol. I just wanted some advice about how to deal with the situation.

Jackie Mack Harris: With the alcohol, I would think it could be helpful for you all to do some Al-Anon work or get into a life recovery group so that you have some support as well as you're trying to support her. You said that she's in a homeless shelter. Do you know if there's any treatment happening? Is this a sober living or is this because she was on the street?

Kim: It's very unique because she's an attorney. She refused to get help because she was afraid that others would find out that she struggles with alcohol, but thankfully, she just got into AA. I'm hoping that this third time having her go to treatment center and having her gone through two different shelters, I think that she's now at that place of truly wanting to accept responsibility. However, my mom doesn't know about the brain tumor at the same time.

Alice Benton: This is great news that she started AA. There might be a new humility, a glimpse of humility in her. That can change how you might help her because if we give too much help when a person is refusing to get into recovery, it tends to enable their ongoing substance use.

If you see that she will continue to receive help, then the family coming together to serve her might actually be good timing. A couple of other questions: do you think your mother should know about the tumor and are there any mental health or physical ailment reasons why your mother couldn't handle that news?

Kim: Yes, there is. When I was younger, my mom actually attempted suicide. I really feel best about keeping this news from my mom. Perhaps if you can give me insight about that. I feel as if it's not necessary. It's a non-cancerous tumor. However, I feel as if my sister may only have a few years left to live by looking at her actual health because her health is not good at all right now.

Alice Benton: If she's coming towards the end of her life, despite your mother's historical instability, should your mother know that? Would she want to spend more time with her daughter? Would she regret not knowing some part of the information if your sister were to die suddenly or quickly?

Kim: Unfortunately, my mom is not doing very well physically for herself right now, and part of the problem was that my sister was living with my mom and my mom was actually enabling her. There was a lot of codependency and enmeshment. I had some hard conversations with my mom and that's when my mom eventually released her out of her home and she felt like the best thing was for my sister to seek treatment before my mom would allow her to continue living in the home.

Alice Benton: So that was probably part of what led her to accepting AA because she lost her home with your mom.

Kim: I think so.

Alice Benton: I need to highlight that because it can feel so cold-hearted to tell someone struggling with addiction, "If you won't get help, you may not stay in my home," and then for your mother to actually follow through, it must have broken her heart.

Addiction is so evil and pervasive and strong, it takes allowing a person to have that kind of crisis that sometimes then makes them more willing to accept help. I just applaud you that you encouraged your mom to do that and she was amazingly able to follow through. It makes me think your mom might be tougher than she has seemed. She's got some hutzpah in her. Now tell us, what kind of help is your sister asking for from you or what are you thinking you should do for her because of the tumor?

Kim: Unfortunately, my sister is not very close to me. What had happened is that it really got to a crisis point where my sister wandered off in the snow. This is in another state, in South Dakota, and she had to be taken to the hospital. My sister does not really want to talk to me very much about this situation. I don't have a lot of leeway with her, but I did send her a Life Recovery Bible and I have tried to encourage her over the phone, although I haven't had that opportunity recently to talk with her other than send her the Life Recovery Bible.

Jackie Mack Harris: It sounds like your help is definitely long-distance and almost more about what you can do so that inside you don't feel like you've abandoned her. If your sister isn't in relationship with you and communication with you and doesn't really want to share with you, she's not asking anything of you, then it leaves you to pray for her.

It leaves you, if she has children, maybe to check on them, to be supportive with mom as mom is standing her ground and not letting her come back unless she continues in AA. Your support is going to continue to be on the periphery. Without being in contact with her, you can't know what she directly needs from you, and really the biggest thing you're doing is praying and helping mom with whatever mom needs help with.

Kim: I appreciate that. I think as I continue along though, continuing to keep that brain tumor a secret from my mom, I still feel as if that's the best thing to do because my mom's health is very fragile right now as well.

Jackie Mack Harris: It is a benign tumor and that it's inoperable and that does happen. People can get benign tumors that don't affect them life or death-wise but may cause headache or vision issues and things like that. That is still going to be, I think holding that sister's confidence makes sense. You have to weigh what you can live with. Pick your pain, as K. Miland would say.

Would you rather live with feeling like you divulged something that your sister didn't want you to divulge and whatever response your mom has, or keeping it from her and having mom find out and be upset with you? Be in prayer. Trust God and trust that process.

Brian Perez: Kim, thank you so much for calling into New Life LIVE today. 1-800-New-Life is the number to call us today. Having some phone issues, but you can still call into us at 1-800-New-Life. If you've been trying to call the other number, I don't know if you're getting a busy signal or if it's just ringing and ringing, but it worked with Kim, so we know it works.

Call in. We want to hear from you. We're going to be in the studio for another hour after this one. 1-800-New-Life. 1-800-639-5433. We want to talk to you here on New Life LIVE with Doctors Jackie Mack Harris and Alice Benton. Call in. We were just speaking with Kim who watches us on YouTube. Thanks so much for calling in today.

Don't forget today only, the number to call to get on the air with us, 1-800-New-Life, 1-800-639-5433. We'll be in the studio for another hour after this one is complete. Alice, I think you had something else you wanted to say to Kim.

Alice Benton: I want to talk about getting trapped into secret-keeping when it might not serve you or in your case, Kim, serve you and your mom. You're in a gray situation, so I'm just going to give you an overall principle and then you'll have to think and pray about how it applies to you.

I was just laughing with my kids the other night telling them, if you are going to try to tell me a secret, I have to always warn you before you say it. I can't necessarily keep your secrets if it's naughty, if it's breaking a rule, if it's hurting somebody else. I won't agree to keep your secret. I had to learn that the hard way because I feel pulled in when someone wants to confide in me. I like secrets, go ahead, tell me the secret.

I've been given information that I then found out I cannot keep this, but now I'm stuck because you trust me to keep your secret. Taking a stance going forward of "I am not necessarily a secret-keeper, so you be careful what you're going to tell me because I can't guarantee that I'll keep it private." We can also work our way out of being burdened with an unhealthy secret by going back, like in Kim's situation, to the sister to say, "I know you want this kept secret, but I've thought, prayed about it and gotten counsel, and I no longer think it serves you, me, or mom to keep this from her.

I'll give you two choices: either I will have to tell her or you can tell her. I think it'll be better if you do, but I'll have to get confirmation that you have told her, but I can no longer hold this secret anymore." By giving a person two options like that, it safeguards the relationship a little more. She'll still probably be angry, but you're giving her some decision-making power.

If I were a mom and my child were suffering from such an awful medical problem, even though it would destabilize me and my world, I would be pretty upset if that information were withheld from me. Kim, I think you're trying to help manage whether or not your mother can't handle this information and whether or not she might then take her life.

That's a horrific position for you to be put in, but we don't get to control how other people respond to information. I want you to pray about whether or not you're in a codependent relationship with your mom where you have to overprotect her from information that a mother should perhaps have.

I don't think there's a clear-cut right or wrong answer, but I don't want you to just stay firm on never telling her. Think and pray about it and check on whether or not your mother might regret not knowing about it. You could even ask your mom, "Mom, would you ever want to know if tough things happen to us? You know, like my sister went into the shelter recently and that's hard information. I want to be careful about your head and your heart, mom. Do you want to know if tough problems occur in the lives of your daughters?" That might give you better information of whether or not to proceed.

Jackie Mack Harris: I would also recommend, Kim, for you to consider doing some trauma work. That's a horrific experience for a child to endure, and because that trauma sits in you, you make choices based on that experience. Healing your attachment could also reduce some of the codependency because you are overfunctioning for mom as a result of her suicide attempt when you were a child.

Brian Perez: Is it honoring to our parents to keep secrets from them when we fear that maybe they won't take it well, whether it's a health crisis or if you're going through marital problems? It's like, do I want to worry my mom with this? Moms worry. Is it best to just—

Jackie Mack Harris: I'm not a great secret-keeper. I just tell people I am not a refrigerator. I'm not going to keep it. Even growing up in South Central, drop me off because I'm going to tell. I'm not going to go down for anything anybody did.

Brian Perez: That's why Jackie always rode the bus because all her friends just dropped her off.

Jackie Mack Harris: Yes, I am not. I think they need to know all the things. I want to know all the things, but I do know that there are things that I don't know about my kids that they keep between each other. One of the things my mom used to say when I was growing up, "If you can't tell me, tell somebody."

Whoever has the issue, they need to deal with it how they need to deal with it, and if my mom is going to make it worse, then I'm not going to tell her. When I was 17, I got hit in the face with a beer bottle at a family member's house and it was late at night, holiday, and I had to go to the emergency room, but my parents weren't at the gathering. I had to call home and get a parent in order for them to see me in the emergency room.

I called my dad and I asked if he was in the room with my mom and he said yes and I asked if he would go to another room and he did. My mom said he answered the phone, said yes, and put the phone down. He went to the kitchen and I told him what happened and asked him to meet me at the hospital and not to tell her. He did. It was because I needed care and not her hysterics. My mom has fainting spells and doesn't do well with drama. Everybody knew that.

Granted, we had that happen. I went back to my cousin's house, my dad went home, and we went on with the weekend as though nothing happened and then I came home on Sunday and went to hug my mom and she saw my face. Everybody was in trouble. She was not happy.

Brian Perez: Even Dad? Dad was probably in trouble too.

Jackie Mack Harris: Everybody. My cousins whose house I was over, their parents were in trouble. Everybody was protecting themselves and her because we know how she responds to difficult things. Fast forward, I am now in my 50s and I fell skating and broke my arm and leg and needed to go to the emergency room, and my instinct was to have someone else take me.

I said, "Someone else should drive me," and my mother was like, "You think I'm going to let somebody else—" and I was like, "Okay, no, you got it. You're caregiving today." She did. She needed to take care of me that day. But it's probably a life of me not allowing that because when I was little she couldn't. She didn't have what I needed, and so I then don't trust her to do it now that I'm an adult. I got a corrective experience when I fell because my mom was doing my laundry and making meals for me and bringing things upstairs because I couldn't go downstairs. I had to heal, but because of how I interacted with her as a young child, I didn't trust her to handle my hard things. Kim's family might be in a similar situation, which is why I say pray because that requires healing.

Alice Benton: It is interesting that your mom responded better than she would have historically and she was still heightened, but it was a pleasant surprise to you. We can base our assumptions on the past and oftentimes the past does let us know what the future will be like, repeating behavior patterns. But sometimes people surprise us with a better response.

Reality is almost always our friend no matter how disruptive it is. It tends to serve us to have the information of what's going on around us. I have been deceptive and manipulative at times in keeping secrets and my heart posture in doing that was people-pleasing and controlling the outcome because I didn't want people to be mad at me.

We have to wonder, am I doing this with the purpose of deceiving? Lastly, not everybody needs to know everything. If you ask me how I'm doing, I don't have to tell you that I have a rash because you don't need to know everything going on with me.

Brian Perez: I won't ask. In case you joined the show late and missed the announcement from our president Becky Brown at the start of the show, I encourage you to listen later on our YouTube channel newlife.com or the New Life app. Here's a summary. At New Life, we believe everyone matters. Inspired by Luke 15, we're launching 99 for One partners, a new way to bring consistent hope to those who feel lost.

Learn more today and sign up at newlife.com/99for1. I think it'd be great if on day one of 99 for One, we got 99 new members, at least. A monthly gift of any amount makes you a member. Newlife.com/99for1. All right, we'll be in the studio for another hour. 1-800-New-Life.